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The Three Little Pigs & The Big, Bad Wolf
By CeratosPit
Once upon a time, not too long ago…
Three emancipated young pigs had left their homes and sought their destinies. The first pig, AsParagus, was an herbalist who settled down in a meadow and build his house out of hemp. The second pig, Von Heineken, was an alcoholic who moved to the beach and built his house out of glass which he collected from broken beer bottles. The third little pig, Milquetoast, was a geologist who erected a three level building made out of gemstones up in the mountains.
In the Woods of DesPair, nearest to the Meadows of Cannabis, there lived a wolf named Lupus de Sade. His house was a pigskin hut supported by the bones of his countless porcine victims. To say that he loved pigs was an understatement. He relished them. At times, he would find it impossible to keep from eating his own house, and on that day he hungered. But it would not take long for his keen nose to detect the sPoor of a living breathing pig, not so far away. His appetite whetted, he grabbed his sickle and went hunting.
That evening, AsParagus sat meditating in his tranquility room with burning incense and scented candles. He was on the verge of achieving sPiritual enlightenment when he heard a knock on his door. Thinking it was the pizza guy, AsParagus got up and walked over to the door with a twenty in his hoof. But when he opened the door, what he saw was no delivery boy. It was a grinning wolf dressed in a pigskin robe with a sickle in his right paw. “I certainly hope you’re a generous tipper.” quipped the salivating wolf. The horrified little porker slammed the door shut. “Why do they always pick the hard way?”
AsParagus ran into his living room and picked up the telephone. He dialed 911, but momentarily discovered that there was no dial tone, for that awful wolf had severed the line! Of course, his phone was made out of grass, so it never really worked in the first place, but that was not important. It was at this point that the little pig noticed the smoke filling up his adobe. Lupus had set his house on fire! AsParagus ran down the stairs to his basement in a panic, but forgot what he was doing halfway down. The fumes of his burning home just made everything feel so groovy. And so it was that AsParagus the pig had met his end. Lying, stupefied in his basement when his burning house had caved in on him.
Shortly after, as the flames were dying down, Lupus dug out the roasted little piggy and devoured most of him. Among the items in the house that were lucky enough not to be burned up was AsParagus’ wallet. The greedy wolf had opened it, in hopes of finding a few credit cards that might have served him later on but found something even better. The phone numbers and addresses of two pig brothers. One of them lived not too far away, on the beach. This opportunity was too good to pass up.
Von Heineken had drank himself into a stupor in his glass dwelling. So it was with double vision that he saw the wolf’s figure approaching his home and knocking on his combination door/window. “Little pig?” Lupus asked as he knocked, “Won’t you let me in?”
“Not by the hair of my chinney-chin-chin!” Von Heineken shouted, obviously inebriated.
“What does that mean?” Lupus wondered aloud.
“It means get off my friggin’ property or I’ll get my hedge clipped and neuter your sorry ass!” shouted the pig.
“Now, now, little pig…” said the wolf. “People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.” Lupus then pulled out AsParagus’ charred and disembodied head from his robe and hurled it right through the glass wall into Von Heineken’s chest. The second little pig fell down on his back from the impact and, in a moment of clarity, looked at the gruesome remains of his departed brother which he now held. In another moment he looked up at his glass ceiling which was shattering from a chain reaction brought on by the smashing of the glass wall. It was with a sick smile that Lupus watched the broken shards rain death upon his next meal.
When midnight rolled around, Milquetoast was lying comfortably in his bed. In a moment, he would have fallen asleep had not his cell phone rang. With a groan of discomfort he turned around and answered it. “It’s rather late, isn’t it?” he greeted with instead of the conventional ‘Hello?’.
“Am I sPeaking with Milquetoast?” asked a strange voice.
“This is he.” answered the pig. “And who are you that won’t let sleeping pigs lie?”
“Santa Claus.”
“Oh really. Well if you truly are Santa, then by all means, convince me.”
“Look out your window. I left you a couple of presents.”
Milquetoast was not in the mood for games, but if he just played along for now, perhaps this bothersome prankster would get his jollies and leave him alone for the rest of the night. So he rolled out of his bed, put on his slippers and walked over to his window. “Listen, did AsParagus put you up to this? Because if he--” His jaw dropped and the talking stopped. Milquetoast looked out of his window to see his brothers’ heads looking back at him, impaled on ten foot poles rising from the ground.
“I just slid down your chimney.” the voice said, taking a more ominous tone. Milquetoast quickly opened his drawer to pull out his handgun but it was gone. He opened the other two and searched frantically when the voice told him, “Good little piggies shouldn’t play with guns. You wouldn’t want to make my naughty list, would you?”
“Where are you, you son of a bitch!?” the pig roared into his phone.
“Being a wolf, I take no offense to that remark.” The wolf explained. “I’m inside your house, although I gather you’ve figured that much out by now.”
“So you’re not Santa.” Milquetoast said, continuing the conversation and keeping his cool.
“Oops.” Lupus sarcastically said. “You blew my cover. So listen, I’m in your house, you’re unarmed and it’s only a matter of time before we cross paths. Do you want to do the whole ‘running for your life bit’ or would you rather just save the trouble and give up now?”
“You don’t really think I’m going to make this easy for you.” Milquetoast said as he cautiously stepped out into his hallway.
“You pigs never do.” Lupus chuckled over the line. “If it makes you feel any better, your house was more challenging to get into then your brothers’.”
“That comes as little consolation, Mr. Wolf, but thank you.” Milquetoast pulled a cord hanging from the roof of the hallway and released the steps that led up to the attic. Just before he climbed them, Lupus issued a potential warning.
“You’re getting colder.”
Milquetoast smiled at the wolf’s attempt at reverse psychology. “Nice try. My attic is signal-proof.” The little pig knew it so he climbed up the steps and quickly pulled them back up. The wolf walked into the hallway just in time to see the little attic door close. He admired the pig for his cleverness and almost regretted the fact that he would eat him. Almost.
Lupus’ sickle made quick work of the attic door. Within seconds it was sPlintered and the steps slid back down. He realized however, that the pig may have now had the upper hand. Lupus had no idea what was in that attic. Milquetoast could have and most likely was holding a shotgun to the entrance of the attic, ready to pump ammunition into the wolf’s head should he try to come up. No, Lupus would wait down here at the back end of the hallway, for the pig to come down.
What could have taken hours took scarcely five minutes. Lupus saw the attic lights go on and Milquetoast began to cautiously descend down the steps with his back towards him. He didn’t even wait for his prey to come all the way down. The wolf leapt and bounded towards the steps with the sPeed of a freight train and it was only by the skin of his teeth that Milquetoast managed to scramble back up into the attic. The little pig didn’t even try to pull the steps back up, recognizing it’s futility. Nothing could stop Lupus from reaching the attic, and reach it he did. But what a bizarre sight met his eyes!
The walls were covered in wolf-skins and decorated by their bones. It was like some kind of sick reversal of his own home! “I had twelve brothers and sisters originally.” said the pig who stood at the other end of the attic. “One by one, they would all be slaughtered to satisfy the voracious appetites of your kin. So with understandable motives, I set out to avenge them.” As Milquetoast explained, the angered wolf came closer. “My intentions were simple enough. Kill those that had killed mine. Balance out the Universe, that sort of thing. But when I killed my first wolf, a mad thought had entered my mind. The ultimate irony if you will; Eat the wolf. Imagine my astonishment when I discovered that he was scrumptious. After that, my ‘hobby’ was a rather simple one. For all your ferocity, wolves are surprisingly predictable and easy to--”
“Buddy, if you’re trying to scare me, I can tell you right now you suck at it!” The wolf snapped. “If we’re ‘so predictable’ then why are you standing in a room with one alone and unarmed!?”
“Because you’re standing right where I want you.” said Milquetoast, matter-of-factly. With that, he pulled a lever which opened the trap door Lupus de Sade was standing over. Steam billowed from the opening as the wolf fell down into the large pot of boiling water at the bottom which had turned many a wolf into stew countless times before. “Poor, simple creature.” Milquetoast said with a hint of sympathy as he walked over to the trap. “So convinced of your cunning, you couldn’t conceive your own carelessness.” Milquetoast then wondered why Lupus wasn’t screaming for his life as all the predecessors had. He looked down below expecting to see the lid of the pot snapped shut, trapping him inside but it wasn’t.
Nor was the wolf trapped inside the pot. Lupus held on to the sickle which he embedded into the round wall circling the pot below. He looked up into the astonished pig’s eyes with his own. “Who’s careless!?” he shouted just before channeling his upper body strength to toss himself back up to the attic. It wasn’t strong enough to clear the floor and just barely enough to reach it, but Lupus grabbed Milquetoast’s ankle and pulled him down as he fell back into the pit. Milquetoast desPerately reached for the sickle, but his weight combined with the wolf’s yanked it out of the wall and they both fell screaming into the pot which shut it’s lid on them, sealing their fate.
Such a shame it was that the wolf and pig stew turned out to be delicious even though nobody would ever get to taste it!
The End
7/5/2004 7:36:03 PM
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