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Teen Tightasses
By CeratosPit
Woodpecker- I just dress like a fruity super hero and pretend to be one 24/7. Apparently, that’s all I need to pass for one these days! … Also, I stuff my briefs. HahahaHAHA! HahahaHAHA! Heheheheheheh!
PokeMan- Even though I’m pink all the time, I can transform into any kind of Pokemon! Even the ones Nintendo hasn’t released!
Bushfire- I derive great elation from exchanging blows with adversaries, bedding with attractive strangers and consuming unhealthy quantities of mustard!
Crow- As a psychokinetic social outcast suffering from nymphomania, I am quite the self-contradiction. So don’t make me pull a Carrie on you.
Robopimp- I’m the obligatory diesel in this crew. Now stay away from my robo-hos or I’ll bust a laser beam in yo’ bitch-ass!
Aqueduct- Raised underground, I can breathe in sewage and command rats and cockroaches. And together, we’re all…
All: THE TEEN TIGHTASSES!
When there’s trouble, they’ll be at the mall…
TEEN TIGHTASSES!
They’ve got super powers but no ballllls!
TEEN TIGHTASSES!
When armored cars are getting hijacked!
They’ll be staring at Crow’s busty rack!
Why stop gang bangers when you can bang Hooooos?
TEEN TIGHTASSES, YO!
They tape golden showers late at night!
TEEN TIGHTASSES!
Neighbors always say “Them kids ain’t right!”
TEEN TIGHTASSES!
They let the bad guys run amok!
Cuz they don’t really give a flying f*#k!
What’s the point of having powers if you can’t get laaaaaaid!?
TEEN TIGHTASSES! YAY!
Uno Dos Tres Cuatro Cinco Cinco Seis!
Go Teen Tightasses!
*Over at Breaststroke’s mother’s house, the aforementioned villain is conceiving new ways to defeat the Teen Tightasses*
Breaststroke: Those Teen Tightasses think they’re the shiznit, but they are totally not. And I will prove it to them the hard way! Why? Because I have way too much time on my hands! Mwa ha ha ha ha--
Mom: *behind door* Raphael! Have you seen my bra? The black one?
Breaststroke- *grabs bra and stuffs it into pocket* No, mom! Now go away I’m busy!
Anyway. Let’s just see how much longer the Teen Tightasses last when I unleash my secret weapon on them! Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha--
Mom: Are you sure?
Breaststroke: Yes!
*Meanwhile, at Tightass Tree-house, PokeMan and Robopimp are playing Muppet Kombat*
Robopimp: Whooo! Kermit da frog is making Elmo his bitch, bi-ATCH!
PokeMan: Dammit! Stop tickling him, and I’ll show you what two pounds of furry red fury can really do!
*As they argue, Crow grows agitated and pulls off her headphones*
Crow: Will you two juveniles stop fighting? I’m trying to listen to Britney sPears so that I can nurse my hatred of her and her supple breasts, engaging eyes and silky smooth skin, but all I can think of right now is how much I hate the both of you.
Robopimp: So go listen somewhere else! You saltin’ my game anyway!
Crow: *growls* Venni Viddi Vicci.
*The TV explodes in Robopimp and PokeMan’s faces as Crow goes off to the bathroom. Just then, Woodpecker and Bushfire walk in*
Bushfire: --and only this morning, I withdrew four deceased sPiders from the hirsute crevice of my rectum!
Woodpecker: *trying not to vomit* See, this is the kind of stuff you don’t want to share with people, Bushfire.
Bushfire: But on my planet, such dialogue is customary among friends!
Woodpecker: Hey, where are you guys going?
PokeMan: Well, seeing as how Crow went ballistic on the TV, we’re going to the mall to, um, “buy” a new one. You coming?
Woodpecker: Why not? Maybe we can pick up some kinky broads at the Bikini Hut.
Bushfire: Wonderful! Mayhap we shall receive laying!
Robopimp: Yo, where Aqueduct at?
*Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Crow is listening to her Britney CD on the toilet, when a voice from inside gets her attention*
Aquarad: You know, I was taking a bath down here, Crow, but I wouldn’t mind a shower!
*Out in the living room, the gang is set to leave when they hear Crow*
Crow: Klaatu Borada Nikto!
*Aquarad is blasted out through the Bathroom door*
Aquarad: Feisty;)
*doorbell rings*
Robopimp: ‘Eyo, who dat?
*Woodpecker steps out on the balcony of the tree-house and looks down to see a man in a suit*
Woodpecker: What do you want?
Alex: My name is Alex Cruz, I’m with Child services. It has recently come to our attention that a small group of super-powered minors have been living together in this address without any adult supervision and have stopped receiving an education altogether.
PokeMan: *from balcony* That’s bullshit! We get The Learning Channel!
Alex: I’m afraid that won’t suffice. I’m going to have to remove you all from this residence and place you in government custody until you all turn 18. By force if necessary.
*All 6 of the Tightasses appear on the Balcony*
Woodpecker: Oh really?
Robopimp: You gonna make us?
Alex: No. They will… *three familiar characters pop out of the bushes* With his awesome sPeed, The Quick Bunny will see to it that this isn’t your lucky day! With his unparalleled strength, this monstrosity of science known only as The Grimace will rip you in half! And finally, don’t let his pleasant demeanor fool you! The Pillsbury Doughboy is a master of the deadly arts of war! Now then. I’ll give you all one more chance. Come peacefully, or come in pieces!
Robopimp: I only come in pussies, Ass-Clown!
PokeMan: Boo Ya! *high 5s Robopimp*
Alex: So be it. Minions! Attack!
Woodpecker: Tightasses! Go!
*The commercial Icons meet the Tightasses on the balcony. Woodpecker is immediately taken out by the Doughboy’s belly poke*
Doughboy: Hmm Hmm!
*Grimace charges PokeMan*
PokeMan: Morsnax! I choose you! *PokeMan transforms into an evolved Snorlax whose basically a blob with long pointy ears, and becomes a difficult obstacle for Grimace to overcome* Morsnax!
Grimace: NNNGH! Nothing can stop da Grimace! *Grimace lifts up Morsnax and tosses him up into the air*
*Crow tries to throw stuff at the Quick Bunny, but he’s too fast*
Crow: Bibbety Bobbity Boo!
*She tries to psychokinetically slam a fish tank into him, but the bunny’s too fast and she hit’s Aquarad…who happens to be blow-drying his hair and gets a big shock. Off guard, she recieves another belly poke courtesy of the Doughboy*
Doughboy: Hmm Hmm!
*Bushfire continues trying to blast the Bunny with her “bush-blasts”, but he stuffs a glass of chocolate milk up her skirt causing her blasts to backfire*
Robopimp: Eat laser beams, muthaf*#ka!
*The Grimace is unaffected by the lasers*
Grimace: Nothing can stop da Grimace!
*Just then, Grimace pulls the unsusPecting Robopimp’s plug out of the socket and shuts him off. From outside, the Tree-house shakes left and right and seemingly sPits out the Teens who land at the city dump. Inside the Tree-house, Alex looks very angry*
Alex: Grrr! Fools! You lost them! You were only suppose to subdue them and now they’re gone!
*After an uncomfortable silence, Grimace eats Alex. Over at the dump, the gang sulks in their defeat*
PokeMan: Man, I can’t believe we got our asses handed to us like that.
Robopimp: Yo, I can take losing! Just not to a rabbit whose addicted to chocolate milk, Cookie dough in a Chef’s hat and big purple piece of crap.
Crow: But we did lose to a rabbit whose addicted to chocolate milk, Cookie dough in a Chef’s hat and big purple piece of crap. And there’s nothing we can do about it. Except have lots of sex with strangers.
Bushfire: Oh joyous occasion!
Woodpecker: No! No, forget the casual sex! I don’t know about you guys, but I say it’s time we start living up to our image! We’re superheroes damn it! It’s time we stop being slackers, and actually stood up for something! And what better place to start then our home!? I say to you, Teen Tightasses, they may have defeated us once, but no more! We are going to go home and damn it we’re going to get it back! Even if we must do battle with them a thousand times over for it!
--A thousand battles later…--
*The Tightasses are lying on a pile of garbage bloodied and bruised*
Aqueduct: Say, Woodpecker?
Woodpecker: Yes, Aqueduct?
Aqueduct: What if we just got someone else to fight them for us?
Woodpecker: Huh… You couldn’t have suggested that 998 battles earlier?
PokeMan as Jigglypuff: *inflates cheeks angrily* PUFF!
Bushfire: Now all that remains is seeking the equals of a massive purple costume, a cartoon spokes-rabbit an a pudgy, white anthropomorphic creature. But where shall we find those?
*At the tree-house, the Teen Tightasses break down the door to find Grimace, Quick Rabbit and the Pillsbury doughboy drinking coffee and reading newspapers*
Robopimp: Guess whose back, suckas!?
Quick: Oh for God’s sake! When will you guys get it though your skulls, YOU CAN’T BEAT US!
Woodpecker: Yeah, we know that.
Crow: But they can… *point’s to…*
PokeMan: Michellin Man! Trix Rabbit! And Barney!
Barney: It’s time to get medieval on their rumps! Hoo hoo!
Doughboy: Bring it on, asshole! Hmm Hmm!
Barney: Hoo Hoo!
Doughboy: Hmm Hmm!
*After a short battle, the tree-house sPits out Grimace, Quick Rabbit and the Pillsbury doughboy*
Evil trio: We’re blasting off again!!! *ping*
Woodpecker: Well, guys, what can I say? Thank you for getting our house back.
Barney: Fuck that! This crib is way too posh to just give back! It’s ours now!
Robopimp: Then you’ll have to go through us to get it!
*After a short battle, the tree-house sPits out the Teens, who land in the dump once again*
Aqueduct: We should have really just build an exit in that thing. I’m sick of getting sPat out every time I wanna leave.
PokeMan: *as aipom* Aipom!
Woodpecker: Well it’s their problem now! Our problem is finding a new place to live.
Crow: Why don’t we just move into the house whose backyard we build our tree-house in?
*Everybody looks at the nice big house next to the tree-house. Except for Robopimp*
Robopimp: Girl, sPeaking of backyards, John Deere couldn’t cover yours!
Crow: *angrily* Yabba Dabba Doo! *sends Robopimp soaring*
*Meanwhile, in Breaststroke’s room, the villain sniffs his mother’s bra*
Breaststroke: Yeah, that’s the stuff. *sigh* You may have won this round Tightasses (although you did technically wind up homeless) but mark my words I will have my-- *Just then, Robopimp crashes through the window and lands in the room* AAAAAAGH!
Robopimp: ‘Sup, playa? You mind if me and mah boys crash at yo’ mom’s pad for the night?
Breaststroke: Grrr! What!? What is this!?
Bushfire: *comes in through door* Regrettably, you will have to be temporarily evicted.
Breaststroke: Bah! And if I refuse?
Crow: You’re funeral.
Aqueduct: Tear him up!
*30 rats attack Raphael, and his screams can be heard from outside*
The End
12/12/2003 12:23:30 PM
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