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Pokemon vs. Alien vs. Predator part 2
By CeratosPit
Previously on PVAVP...
Misty: Look. It created a gigantic tunnel in the face of that mountain!
Brock: What could have done such a thing?
Ash: I don’t know, you guys. But I say we go around traipsing into that thing and find out!
*Unbeknownst to our heroes, in a sPacecraft high above the Earth, they are being watched in a holographic projection by three frightful figures armed with hunting gear which appears to be highly advanced by technological standards and yet somehow tribal. Their countenances masked by eerie helmets which conceal all but their tendril-like hair obtruding from the back. One punches in a code on the control panel and their dropship is discharged from the much larger craft. They are heading for Earth. And they are heading for our heroes*
And now, part 2...
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*Back on Earth, the gang has returned most of their Pokemon back into their balls. All but Ash’s Pikachu, Misty’s Togepi, May’s Beautifly and Tracey’s Scyther, Marril and Venonat remain*
Tracey: *to his Pokemon* Listen you guys. You’re gonna have to stay out here and guard the entrance in case there’s danger, alright?
Scyther: Scyther! Scyyy… (Fine, but if more death rays come this way, we’re heading to Ash’ MILF’s house.)
May: Let’s see. This is, what, a thirty degree drop? Beautifly, use Stringshot!
*Beautifly sPews out a silk-like rope downward from it’s proboscis which they could all sPelunk down on*
Misty: I’m not touching that crap! That’s enzymes and bug vomit!
May: Your loss. Beautifly, return. *Beautifly returns to it’s Pokeball* C’mon, Ash.
*Misty groans and she and Togepi reluctantly join the other five (six if you count Pikachu, which I don’t) and descends into the cavernous depths below, maintaining a tight grip on the ever stretching makeshift rope*
Brock: Hey, how strong is this stuff anyway?
*The rope snaps like a cheap twig and they all fall down the steep tunnel, rolling and bouncing along the way for a half minute. Teeth are lost and bruises are gained, but finally they all reach the bottom in a dog pile*
Brock: Whose ass is in my face?
May: It’s mine’s. Sorry.
Brock:…Don’t be.
*The gang dismounts each other and surveys their surroundings with mini flashlights they all conveniently have. This tunnel apparently has led them into some long forgotten cavity in the Earth’s interior*
Tracey: I was right! The Earth IS hollow!
Max: Don’t be stupid, this is just a big-ass cave.
Tracey: *saddened* Why must you piss all over my dreams?
Pikachu: Pikachu Pika! (Hey, idiots! Look at that!)
Ash: What is it Pikachu?
*Ash and crew shine their curiously powerful flashlights onto an magnificent looking Pyramid sticking out of the ground. This elaborate structure is surrounded by many an odd statue, alien symbols and facing the kids is the largest staircase they’ve ever seen*
Brock: Hey guys, I have to poop.
Ash: Maybe there’s lavatory inside! Let’s check it out.
Pikachu: Pikahhh…(Maybe there are booby traps and monsters too, brainiac.)
*They make their way up the stairs in a relatively short time and enter a hallway whose walls are fully illustrated with hieroglyphics*
Ash: Max, what do they say?
Max: I’m an seven year old boy, Ash. What the Hell makes you think I can read hieroglyphs I’ve never even seen before?
Ash: You’re wearing glasses, nerd. Now tell me what these damn things are saying.
Max: *sigh* Jackass. Let’s see… Hmm. This reads like a crappy fanfic, but it more or less says, ‘Y0 B1+CHEZ!!! PR3D4+0RZ IZ DA R0X0R LOL WTF!!11! 4L13NZ 41NT SH1T!!! WE BU1LT DEEZ PYR4MIDZ 2 HUN+ D3Y A$$3Z!!!!1!!LOL!!1!11! W3 C4P DEM PU$$13Z 3V3RY 100 Y34RZ!!!WTF!!!!!!! DA B4FFR00M IZ D0WN DA H4LL 0N L3F+ BI-AAA4ACH!!!!LOL!!
Brock: Then there’s no time to lose! Come on, gang, I’m prairie dogging over here!
*Brock steps on a brick in the floor which slowly descends. A trigger mechanism designed centuries ago, it sets off a chain of reactions leading all the way to the base of the pyramid. There, in an immense room, hanging from chains, rests as grotesque an exoskeleton as any that had ever existed on Earth or ever would. Slowly, the machines around it switch on and activate. Not long after, the frozen creature thaws out and reanimates into a most repulsive beast. The stuff that nightmares are made of, she looks something like a sentient skeleton belonging to the hideous offsPring of a mutant dinosaur and a colossal insect. Her first act as a reawakened behemoth is to lay egg pods onto a conveyor belt and roar, in hideous anger, a roar which echoed through the chamber but became inaudible higher up in the pyramid. Up there, May takes a look at a carving of two inhuman figures engaged in combat on one of the walls*
May: Wow. I wonder what kind of Pokemon those are.
Tracey: You know, we’ve never been formally introduced. I’m Tracey.
May: I’m May.
Tracey: How old are you, May?
May: I’m almost eleven. Why?
Tracey: Seriously? You’re REALLY busty for a ten year old.
May: My parents slipped growth hormones in my cereal every morning. The doctors say I should be a D-Cup when I hit thirteen.
Tracey: Hot damn!
Misty: You know, most boys say I’ve got really nice legs. I mean I can see why--
Tracey: I got nice legs too. Boobies beat legs.
Misty: *groan* Come on Togepi, we don’t want to slip on all the testosterone.
Ash: Was that supposed to be clever?
Max: I think you have nice legs.
Misty: Then give me a call when your nuts drop.
Ash: Oh Snap!
Brock: *upon finding the restroom* You guys! This must be it!
*Everybody steps into a door at the left of the hallway, unaware that the actual bathroom was the room next to it! The walls are covered in long dried slime and long dead bodies*
Brock: What kind of shoddy-ass facilities are these?
Max: It looks more like an incubation room/sacrificial chamber of some kind.
Brock: That would explain the lack of toilets and magazines. What the hell am I supposed to go in?
*As if to answer Brock’s question, slimy egg pods slowly rise from stone structures circling the room. The tops of the egg pods slowly unpeel themselves to reveal gooey, slithery organs writhing inside*
Brock: It’s not indoor plumbing, but it’s better than nothing. Would you guys mind stepping outside?
Misty: Brock, I’ve got a feeling this isn’t a washroom.
Brock: Seriously, I can’t go with you guys watching.
*Everybody leaves and Brock sighs a sigh of relief as he relinquishes a burden. Up at the cave’s entrance, meanwhile, Scyther, Venonat and Marril play cards out of boredom and fail to notice the sPacecraft flying overhead*
Scyther: Scyther Scythe? (Got any fives?)
Marril: Marr! Marr! (Go fish, I just crapped out.)
Venonat: Nananat! (Do any of us know how to play this game?)
Marril: Marril? *looks around* Marril Mar. (-The Hell? Funny, I coulda swore I heard someone coming.)
Scyther: Scyther. (Probably Ash’s mom and Professor Oak. Boo-yah.)
Venonat: Venonat Nananat! (No, you’re right, Marril. We’re being approached by three alien Rastafarians with metal claws and fishnet stockings.)
[Editor’s note: Venonats have radar vision and Marrils have powerful hearing.]
Scyther: Scy-yi-yi-ther!? (Where are they? I can’t see ‘em.)
Marril: Marril Marril Marril. (Well they must be invisible, cuz it sounds like they’re right behind you.)
*Scyther swings around at blinding sPeed, his blade-like left claw slicing through the air and something hits the ground. An electrical aura materializes on the grass and then dissipates, revealing some bizarre blue dreadlocks bearing rings. Just a moment before, this was invisible and as Scyther and his two little friends looked up they saw the three treacherous humanoids from the ship coming into view. The one closest to Scyther looked as if he had some of his dreadlocks cut off at the side*
Scyther: Scyther? (Got reefer?)
*At the same time, the stranger and Scyther swing their enormous blades at each other, but the former’s are made out of much stronger stuff and they cut the mantis Pokemon in half. Marril and Venonat get sPrayed with the blood of their demolished comrade and are killed shortly afterwards themselves. Down in the Pyramid, a shocking thought comes to Brock’s mind*
Brock: Oh great! What am I supposed to wipe myself with!?
2 B Continued...
9/2/2004 10:25:52 PM
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