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Pokemon vs. Alien vs. Predator part 8
By CeratosPit
Previously on PVAVP...
Forretress blew up the pyramid along with all the Aliens beneath the mountain while Ash, May, the Predator, Pikachu, Treecko, Mudkip and Torchic flew out of the tunnel with not a second left to sPare. They landed in a tree realizing how much they've all grown until they saw the angry Alien queen climb out of the rubble. sPying an abandonned cab, our heroes attempt to escape the her.
And now the conclusion of Pokemon versus Alien versus Predator...
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*The gangs drops out of their arboreal perch and get into the cab. Pikachu snatches Ash’s PokeDex, flicks out the melted switchblade, sticks it in the ignition, turns it, starts the engine and they all drive off with an angry Alien queen chasing them*
Ash: Oh my God, Pikachu is driving! How can that be?
Pikachu: Chu Ka Pi! (I don’t know, but with this nod to America’s silly Godzilla movie, let’s pack in as many references to bad films as we can!)
*Pikachu sees a sexy hitchhiker standing at the side of the road. It is Britney sPears. Ash opens the door to let her in*
Britney: I’M BRITNEY SpEARS!!! I’M GOING CROSS COUNTRY TO FIND MY LONG LOST MOTHER AT THE CROSSROADS OF MY LIFE!!! CHRISTINA AGUILERA AND BEYONCE KNOWLES CAN GO TO HELL!!! I’M BRITNEY SpEARS!!! WHAT’S YOUR NAME!?
Ash: My name is Ash…and I am a slave…for you.
*The gang winds up driving through downtown San Diego, where they crash into a red convertible driven by Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore and a baby T-rex*
Jeff: Do the words ‘Must Go Faster’ mean anything to you?
Julianne: Besides an obscure catchphrase? No. Besides, there was a cop standing on the corner and I didn’t want to get a ticket.
May: We need another car!
Ash: What about that one?
*Ash points to an orange automobile with a confederate flag painted on the roof. So he, Pred, May, Pikachu, Treecko, Torchic, Mudkip, Britney, Jeff, Julianne and the baby rex hop in through the windows and drive off, leaving an overweight sheriff in their dust*
Boss Hogg: Somebody git dem dang Duke boys!
*Hogg gets stepped by the Queen Alien, continuing her chase. Meanwhile, the General Lee gets a bit crowded*
Ash: Where are we going now, Pikachu?
Pikachu: *driving* Pika Pika Pikachu!
Ash: What!? What do you mean we’re going to jump off that pier and land on Vince Vaughn’s yacht!?
Jeff: Ah. So that’s where he went.
*The General Lee drives into the docks with the monster parent not too far behind. She angrily closes in on the car but not before it goes flying off of a pier, sails through the air and freezes*
May: What the Hell? We just…stopped.
Narrator: Looks like that General Lee is catching some hang time. They better hope she can slam dunk.
*The car continues flying, or rather ‘falling with style’ and lands on the deck of Vince Vaughn’s yacht, where he comes out wearing a bad mustache and holding a trey of cookies*
Vince: Well hello. Uh, you guys wanna come downstairs? I’m having a little get together.
Jeff: Really? Ah, who with?
Vince: Will Ferrel, Luke Wilson, Owen Wilson, Ben Stiller and some other guys I’ve been in twenty movies with.
Ash: Thanks, but we’ll take no part in whatever fruity activities you guys have got going on down there. Just get us as far away from San Diego as possible!
Vince: Geez, kid. You should have said that earlier. I’m docking right now.
May: What!?
*The yacht pulls up to the dock where the Alien Queen stands drooling*
Vince: *grabbing Britney’s arm* Uh, let’s go downstairs. It’ll be safer.
Britney: OKAY, BUT I’M ENGAGED!!!
Vince: Who gives a crap? Really?
*Vince Vaughn and Britney sPears run down the stairs, leaving Ash, May, their Pokemon, Jeff, Julianne and the baby rex standing huddled closely together. Jeff and Julianne drop the baby, jump in the water and swim away as fast as is humanly possible. The alien queen cares little for their defection and drags the yacht onto land with her four arms. Pikachu charges itself and Ash revs up his buzzsaw hand*
Ash: Yo, she-bitch… let’s go.
May: Wait a second. Where’s Preddy?
*All take a moment to note Pred’s absence and assume he went downstairs with Vince to gang-bang Britney sPears but this is not the case. They immediately spot him bounding up from behind the Alien queen and jabbing his long, metal javelin into her wriggling and bony neck. Pred lands at his friends’ feet hearing the behemoth roar in anger. She pulls out javelin and snaps it in her hand with renewed hatred for these little creatures but finds them standing more bravely then before. Ash with his buzzsaw ready, Pred with all his blades extracted, May with her makeshift knife and shield, Pikachu recharging, Torchic, Treecko and Mudkip in attack positions and T-rex Jr. growling*
Pred: EaT sHiT!
Ash: I guess this is it. May, I just want you to know that there was never anything between Britney sPears and me.
*Britney is heard climaxing beneath the floor boards*
May: Really? Wow, that kind of puts my last second confession to shame but I always thought you mother was hot.
Ash: For the love of--!! Wait. You mean you’re a…*whisPers* “lesbian”?
May: No, your mom is just like Angelina Jolie. Even straight chicks can’t resist her charms.
Pikachu: *grabbing crotch* Pi chu. (Or my charms.)
*The Alien Queen’s maw thrusts down kill the whole group when, miraculously, a huge Bull T-rex clobbers her body aside with his massive head. She falls down and rolls upon her back. T-rex places his foot down upon her chest and breaks the sPikes on her carapace. He bites off the Queen’s larger right arms and douses himself with some acid. T-rex junior leaves the group to join in the carnage*
Ash: Ah ha ha ha! Some Queen she is. Hail to the King, baby!
*Just then, an enormous boulder plummets down from above and smashes the T-rexes and Alien queen. The stunned trio and their Pokemon look up to a cliff top where they see five baby dinosaurs cheering; a courageous Apatosaur, a bitchy Triceratops, a retarded Stegosaurus, an overjoyed Parasaurolophus and Pteranodon with a sPeech impediment*
Baby Apatosaurus: Alright! We killed the Sharpteeth!
Baby Parasaurolophus: Yup, yup, yup!
*Later, Pred gives the five baby dinosaurs ritualistic scars with his severed-acid-finger-pen. They did, after all, kill an Alien Queen AND two T-rexes*
Baby Triceratops: Petrie, he wrote something on your forehead!
Baby Pteranodon: Cera’s head too! What Petrie’s say?
Baby Triceratops: ‘Something.’ What does mines say?
Baby Pteranodon: ‘Me not know.’ What mines say?
Baby Triceratops: ‘SOMETHING!’ What does mines say!?
Baby Pteranodon: ‘ME NOT KNOW!’ What mines say!?
*Ash and friends watch the baby dinosaurs leave, arguing amongst themselves. And yet, our heroes have the strange feeling that they’re being watched themselves. May turns her head slightly back and looks upon several transParent figures! More cloaked Predators? Nope. This time, it’s the ghosts of Brock, Tracey, Max, Misty and all the Pokemon who died. Ash, Pred and the remaining Pokemon look back and stare in disbelief*
May: God Almighty!! Zombies!
Max: We’re not zombies, you stupid sister, we’re ghosts!
May: I’m not feeling more reassured.
Tracey: Relax. We just thought we’d beam down from above and remind you all to take your places in the circle of life or some garbage.
Misty: And that we blame Ash for sending us down that damn cave but we forgive him because Heaven is cool.
Ash: Wow. Brock? What’s Heaven like?
Brock: Loose white women everywhere!
Treecko: Treecko. (I knew it. Hey, Pikachu, you alright?)
Pikachu: Pikachu Pikachu. (Not really. I’ve got heartburn or something.)
*Pikachu’s chest explodes as a much delayed baby Alien with Pikachu features pops out. Pikachu dies and it’s sPirit instantly appears with the rest of the dead characters*
Pikachu’s ghost: Pikachu Pik! (Son of a bitch!)
*Ash picks up the rather gentle baby Alien/Pikachu hybrid and cradles it in his arms*
Ash: Don’t worry, Pikachu. I’ll raise him just like he was you!
Pikachu: Ka. (You have my pity. Now bring on those loose white women!)
*The ghosts all disappear*
May: Say, I wonder if Team Rocket survived?
*Meanwhile, in Hell, Jesse and James get sodomized with pitchforks*
James: I knew we shouldn’t have ripped the tag off that mattress!
Jesse: Then you should have said something!!!
Jesse & James: *crying in pain* THEY’RE BUSTING OUR ASSES AGAAAIIIN!!!
*Three months later, May’s rival Drew is training his Roselia in the forest. They are interrupted by a strange voice*
Drew: Alright Roselia, use your--
Voice: You want some candy?
Drew: Huh? Who said that?
Roselia: Zee? (Is somebody there?)
*A mighty metal sPears flies down from the trees and runs through Roselia*
Drew: Roseli--huh!?
*The last thing Drew ever sees is a huge Alien/Pikachu hybrid decapitating him with his tail. Ash and May come out of the bushes dressed in the style of their new traveling companion, Preddy the Predator*
May: That’s for being a better Pokemon coordinator then I ever was, Drew! … That’s right, you hold your peace!
Ash: Can I skin him and polish his skull this time?
Preddy: FoR sHiZzLe My NiZzLe!
*Preddy wasn’t aloud back on his home planet on account of his gross misuse of clan initiation. Two kids was one thing but the baby dinosaurs was overkill. Ash and May realized, with Preddy’s help, that it was more fun to hunt Pokemon, then catch them. So they, along with Treecko, Mudkip, Torchic and the lightening-sPewing Alien/Pikachu hybrid, went on a murderous rampage killing people and Pokemon alike and they couldn’t be happier*
At this point I awoke in a cold sweat and sat up on my bed. The beautiful redhead at my side awoke too.
“sPitty? Are you alright?” she asked.
“I’m fine, Lindsay Lohan.” I assured her. “I just had that dream again.”
Lindsay paused in recollection for a moment. “The one where the pandas invade New York?”
“No, no.” I told her. “The other one.”
“Oh. The one where the Pokemon battle the…aliens, right?”
“And Predators, yeah.”
She pressed my head to her bosom. “You poor baby. You wanna make out?”
My answer didn’t require much thought. “Okay.” I simply replied. I unhinged my lower jaw and ripped holes in my cheeks by opening it. My inner set of jaws jutted out from my mouth and made their way towards hers. Lindsay’s mouth unfolded to reveal four opposing mandibles stretching out her inner lips to an inhuman degree.
The night ahead proved to be very kinky.
The End
Next time...
Yugi-Oh: I summon Handicapable Antelope to the field!
Freddy: I summon Machete Weilding Zombie Juggernaut in a Hockey Mask.
Yugi-Oh: That isn't a duel monster!
Freddy: And this ain't no duel.
9/8/2004 9:56:56 PM
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