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Pokemon vs. Alien vs. Predator part 7
By CeratosPit
Previously on PVAVP...
Pikachu: Pika Pi Pi Chu Pika! (He’s a goddamned robot! Ash is a goddamned robot!)
Pikachu: Pika Pika Pika! (You idiots! It’s a bomb! He wants to blow up this Godforsaken place!)
*The Predator nods yes, but his plans might not come into fruition after all. The cutting edge tail of an Alien appears from the darkness and shears off a side of the bomb. sParks fly, but the symbols continue to blink. The gang looks at their exit and finds seven Alien hybrids blocking their way. Ash pulls out a buzzsaw and affixes it to the stump where his left hand used to be*
Ash: Come get some.
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*The Aliens get set to attack when some beastly cry echoes through the pyramids ventilation chambers. They quickly fall back and run through the tunnels*
Treecko: Treecko Tree? (What was that?)
Mudkip: Kip mud mud. (One of the Aliens, I guess.)
Torchic: Chic. Tor. (No. It sounds bigger.)
*Preddy--I mean the Predator makes more signs to Pikachu explaining what that was*
Pikachu: Chu. (That was the Alien Queen. She’s the mother of all those mutants and from the sound of it, she has called them all back to release her from the chamber which the Predators trapped her in hundreds of years ago. Oh crap. That one Alien chopped the trigger mechanism off my bomb. Without it, it won’t blow up unless it is set off by some other explosion at the last second.)
May: What did Pikachu say, Ash?
Ash: That unless we can blow this thing up ourselves, we’re doomed. But where can we find another explosive…
*Ash takes a look at Brock’s Forretress. A Bagworm Pokemon, it looks like a two hundred fifty pound clam covered in steel with sPikes coming out of it’s sides. More importantly, it has the ability to explode in battle*
Ash: Forretress? How would you like to do something incredibly noble?
Forretress: Forretress. (Like Hell. I’m not gonna die for you assholes.)
*Ash turns to Pikachu for a translation and the little Pokemon shakes his head*
Ash: Oh for God’s sake, it’s not like you ever get to do anything.
Forretress: *sigh* Tress. (Whatever.)
*Meanwhile, in the lowest chamber of the Pyramid, the Alien hybrids do all they can to unshackle their behemoth of a mother. They nip each other to bleed acid upon her chains, pick the locks with their tails and one even tries to hack into the security mainframe only to find an image of Wayne Knight taunting them*
Wayne Knight onscreen: Uh, uh, uh. You didn’t say the magic word. Uh, uh, uh. You didn’t say the magic word…
*The Alien types in the word ‘please’ and the locks restraining the Alien Queen immediately unlatch themselves. She roars triumphantly and heads for the clearly marked exit, overtaken by her much faster offsPring in a mad race for the top level of the Pyramid. And after what must have felt like an eternity, Ash, May, The Predator and the four Pokemon have finally exited the Pyramid with a minute and a half to reach the tunnel leading out of the mountain*
May: Out of the frying pan and into the fire. We’ll never be able to get up that tunnel before the bomb goes off.
Ash: There might still be time to--WAH!!
*The gang falls into a well hidden pitfall*
Mudkip: Muuuud. (Oh, you can’t be serious.)
*They all look up to find Meowth, Seviper, Cacnea and Wobbuffet standing above them*
Meowth: Ha ha! I knew dat if we waited here long enough, you twoips would show up and fall in so now we could steal your Pika--
*The agitated Predator leaps out of the hole in the ground and lands facing these new enemies with extreme agitation. Without a second thought he fires his plasma cannon at Wobbuffet. What he should have known, though, was Wobbuffet’s fighting style which basically consists of deflecting an attack at twice the original force. So it was that the plasma blast bounced off of Wobbuffet and blew the cannon off of the Predator’s shoulder. He would continue fighting but Ash stops him as May gives him a leg up out of the pit*
Ash: Pred, no! We have no time for that. We need to find a way of climbing up this tunnel.
*Ash helps to pull May out with his good hand and she sPies the pile of the coiled Stringshot her Beautifly made for them to repel into this cave in the first place*
May: *picks up an end of the ‘rope’* Preddy, can you fix this end to something and chuck it to the end of this tunnel.
*The very perceptive Predator doesn’t even consider this to be a challenge. He quickly whips out a throwing star similar to the one his dead friend used to sPlit Misty’s Staryu, tethers that end of the Stringshot to it and hurls the weapon with incredible strength and accuracy all the way to the other end*
Ash: That’s great, May, but it’ll take us a half an hour to climb that.
May: We won’t have to.
*May sticks her makeshift tail-knife into the axis of Ash’s buzzsaw hand. She binds their end of the Stringshot to the handling end of that knife. Finally, she removes her oversized skull-shield and places it on the base of the tunnel*
Pikachu: Kachu Kachu! (Ten seconds left!)
May: *stepping onto the shield-turned-sled* Get on you guys!
*Behind them, the Alien queen and her offsPring stampede down the great Pyramid’s staircase towards the gang. Our heroes get their first looks at this mother of monsters, who looks like she could strangle a T-rex. May starts the buzzsaw on Ash’s wrist and he finally understands her plan just as it starts working*
Ash: Oh I get it! We’re gonna--Whoa!
*As the buzzsaw sPins, so does the knife handle and that winds the Stringshot causing Ash, May, Pred and the four Pokemon to slide up the tunnel at high sPeed. Meowth and his friends take longer to catch on. One look at those fearsome Alien hybrids coming their way and Team Rocket’s Pokemon were on board with May’s plan. Literally*
Meowth: Gah! Wait for us!!!
*The skull sled pulls up out of the cave. Seviper lunges upwards and grabs it with his long, strong fangs. And as it does, Meowth, Cacnea and Wobbuffet grab onto it’s long body and hang on while the Aliens reach the base of the tunnel. Meanwhile, in that incubation chamber, the bomb’s countdown finishes and Forretress, who is covered with face-huggers looking for a face to hug, gets ready to use Explosion*
Forretress: Forretress…(Rosebud…)
*Forretress blows it’s self up with the malfunctioning bomb. Half a second later, the entire Pyramid fills with blue flame and is disintegrated. The Aliens in the cave barely have time to acknowledge their fate and our heroes fly up the tunnel as fast as Ash’s buzzsaw can carry them from the oncoming explosion but it may not be fast enough. Thinking quickly, the Predator at the rear looks back down and kicks Seviper’s face off of the sled, releasing four unwanted stowaways into the unforgiving conflagration below and effectively tripling their sPeed. They race the oncoming flames and with half a second left to sPare, and are sPat out of the hole on the mountainside. The Predator dislodges his trusty throwing star from the Earth and hangs on to the kids as they fly off into the night air while the mountain behind them collapses in on it’s self. They all land in a treetop and watch, Meowth, Seviper, Canea and Wobbuffet blast off into the sky, horribly burned, one last time*
Meowth: Dat does it! I’m retiring!
Wobbuffet: Waaaaaaaaaaaahbuffet! (I’m Rick James, Bitch!)
Ash: Gimme some sugar, baby!
*Ash kisses a very satisfied May, partly for her brilliance and also because he felt like they all grew up a bit*
May: *giggles* Um, you’re welcome?
Ash: Oh crap. I just kissed a girl. That is so gay.
May: I’m just surprised my plan worked. That Stringshot ripped under our weight when we went down the tunnel.
Ash: Not to mention that it was attached to really sharp objects at both ends. *coughplotholecough*
*The Predator removes his mask and reveals unto them his visage. His forehead is massive and his eyes are surrounded by little quills although quite human. It is the lower half of his face that only a mother could love. And a blind mother at that! He has no nose, but a vaginal-looking mouth that is surrounded by four mandibles*
Ash: Hey, Pred, what’s that on you’re face?
Pikachu: Pikaaah. (That is his face, dipstick.)
Treecko: Treecko Treeck. (I don’t know whether he needs Clearasil or Vagicil!)
*Pred takes out the severed acidic Alien finger and inscribes little scars on the foreheads of Ash and May*
Ash: Hey, he wrote something on your head, May!
May: Yours too, Ash! What does mines say?
Ash: ‘Sweet!’ What does mines say?
May: ‘Dude!’ What does mines say?
Ash: ‘SWEET!’ What does mines say!?
May: ‘DUDE!’ What does mines say!?
Ash: ‘SWEET!’
May: ‘DUDE!’
*The Pred just rolls his eyes while Ash and May get into a slapfest. How these two can be such efficient warriors, he does not know. But his train of thought is soon disrupted by the sight of the mighty and burned Alien queen bursting out from the smoldering boulders lying where a mountain stood just a moment before. In her jaws is the limp form of one of her offsPring. It is the grid-faced Togetic/Alien. She lays him on the ground and nuzzles him as if to wake him but he is dead. Her eyeless face then looks up to the three figures sitting in a tree not too far away, with four smaller ones. Her grief becomes rage*
May: Do you think she knows we did that?
Ash: Whose to say what thoughts can pass through that sinister and calculating Alien brain of hers, May? Ufologists, perhaps. Alien psychiatrists, certainly. Maybe that tarot card reader from the mall, even. The important thing to know is that this extraterrestrial She-bitch must have had a really rough day and should therefore not be taunted. But I’ll do that, anyway. HEY! HONEY, YOU GOT REAL UGLY!
*Pred pulls out his throwing star and flings it at the queen’s face. Her inner mouth extends and eats the thing with no problem. Growling ominously, she makes her way for our heroes*
May: I think we’ve overstayed our welcome. We should leave. Fast.
Ash: Look! A carelessly disregarded Taxi parked susPiciously in this lightly forested valley!
Mudkip: Kip Mud. (Somebody loves his adjectives.)
2 B Continued...
9/7/2004 10:20:45 PM
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