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Pokemon vs. Alien vs. Predator part 3
By CeratosPit
Previously on PVAVP...
*Ash and crew shine their curiously powerful flashlights onto an magnificent looking Pyramid sticking out of the ground. This elaborate structure is surrounded by many an odd statue, alien symbols and facing the kids is the largest staircase they’ve ever seen*
Brock: Hey guys, I have to poop.
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Venonat: Venonat Nananat! (No, you’re right, Marril. We’re being approached by three alien Rastafarians with metal claws and fishnet stockings.)
Scyther: Scyther? (Got reefer?)
*At the same time, the stranger and Scyther swing their enormous claws at each other, but the former’s are made out of much stronger stuff and they cut the mantis Pokemon in half. Marril and Venonat get sPrayed with the blood of their demolished comrade and are killed shortly afterwards themselves. Down in the Pyramid, a shocking thought comes to Brock’s mind*
Brock: Oh great! What am I supposed to wipe myself with!?
And now, Chapter 3...
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*Without warning, something leaps out of the egg pod and tenaciously grabs onto Brock’s ass, hugging it’s self to it. Misty was so right. This isn’t a bathroom at all! With a scream of intermingled pain and terror, Brock runs out into the hallway where all his friends stand around stupefied. There is some bug-like creature with a prehensile tail clasPed around Brock’s ass*
Brock: GETITOFF! GETITOFF! GETITOFF!!!
Ash: Brock! What is that thing!?
Brock: I don’t know, but I think it’s raping me! Now get it the hell off!
*It takes the whole gang to remove this strange creature from Brock’s rear end and as they do so, Togepi toddles into the doorway of this strange room to investigate. It looks upon several similar creatures climbing out of their egg pods and heading for the door*
Togepi: Toki? (Yo, who that?)
*The creatures don’t resPond. Instead, one launches it’s self ten feet with blinding sPeed and pinpoint accuracy to Togepi’s face and clasPs on tight. Togepi mumbles painfully through the creature’s pressed form just as the kids pull the first one off of Brock. Misty’s maternal instincts are kicked into overdrive upon this sight and she runs over to the aide of her favorite Pokemon. But just as she reaches it, another one of those face-hugging critters leaps straight for hers when a blast is heard and the creature’s center explodes*
Tracey: *holding a little smoking plasma cannon* Bulls eye!
*Pikachu takes a look into the room where there are several more of those face-huggers making their way towards them. The little Pokemon braces it’s self and discharges one berserker of a thunderbolt into the chamber, frying or at least stunning every last one of them, saving the one on Togepi for last*
Ash: Seal that door!
Pikachu: Pika! (Thank you, Captain Obvious!)
*Misty releases her Staryu and commands it to use its Icebeam to close off the aperture with a block of solid ice. May and Max tend to Brock, while Ash whips out his PokeDex and focuses the mini computer on the dying form of Brock’s butt-hugger*
Ash: Dexter! Analyze!
PokeDex: Say please!
Ash: Please, damn you!
PokeDex: Beepboopboopbeepboopbeep. Subject classified. Not Pokemon.
Ash: It’s not a Pokemon!? Then what in God’s name is it? And since when does Tracey carry a gun?
Tracey: Found this in that sock drawer. I’m going to use it on people I don’t like!
*The sock drawer that Tracey points to slowly pulls it’s self back into the wall. The ground shakes and several walls disappear and others rise from the floor. What was a hallway one minute is now a labyrinth and our heroes stand where they stood completely lost*
May: So much for leaving the way we came in.
Brock: Oh man. I can feel something swimming around in my pelvic region…
Misty: Brock, this isn’t the time for your sleazy double entendres. We’re all in very serious trouble.
*Evil laughter rings out around them and the kids look up to see Team Rocket standing atop one of the balconies on a wall between two of the strange statues*
Jesse: This pyramid’s rearranging, prepare for trouble!
James: Our theme song keeps changing, so make it double!
Jesse: To protect the world from giant death rays!
James: To prove once and for all that I am not gay!
Jesse: Disturbing the sanctity of ancient tombs!
James: Unaware that we’re just sealing our dooms!
Jesse: Jesse!
James: James!
Jesse: Team Rocket’s got you trapped like green house gases!
James: Surrender now or we’ll kick all your asses!
Meowth: True dat!
Ash: You idiots couldn’t kick a habit. What are you doing here?
Meowth: Actually, we’re as dumbfounded and terrified as yous twoips.
Jesse: We came down here to get that Pikachu…
James: …And the only thing we got was lost!
Tracey: Cuteness on how you two finish each other’s sentences aside, how did you get down here past my guard Pokemon at the entrance?
*Outside the cave, meanwhile, Scyther, Marril and Venonat’s skinless bodies hang from a tree*
James: Uh, should we tell him?
Meowth: Screw dat, lets just get deir Pokemon and scram!
Brock: *writhes in pain* Uhhh…guys?
Misty: Damn it, Brock! Not now! This is serious.
Brock: *gulp* So is this!
*Something that looks like a worm from Hell explodes out of Brock’s rectum, flashes it’s razor sharp teeth at everyone and scurries off into the darkness*
May: That was without a doubt the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen.
Max: Dude! Are you alright?
Brock: No, Max. I’m internally hemorrhaging and will die within…within seconds. Tell…tell Ash’s mom…she was fantastic. Uhhhh…
*Brock rolls up his squinty eyes and dies*
Ash: Fantastic at what? Brock? What was she fantastic at? Wake up!
Jesse: Figures. The black guy always dies first.
James: He was black?
Jesse: Wasn’t he?
James: No, I’m pretty sure he was like, Polynesian or something, wasn’t he?
Meowth: I always had da guy pegged as a Puerto Rican, myself.
James: Well. He wasn’t white. And in the end, that’s what mattered the most.
May: We should have a few words for him and get out of here.
Ash: Fine. *sigh* Brock Brockinson was somebody to all of us. A friend, a mentor, a gym leader, a chef, a token minority character of indistinguishable background and a pervert. We will miss the meals he made, the advice he gave and the times he used to hit on older white women. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Max: Hey, won’t another one of those things pop out of Misty’s Togepi?
*At that moment, Togepi exploded and in the center of it’s entrails another one of those larval creatures gasPed for air. This one slightly different from the last in that it has a few of Togepi’s features*
Misty: Oh no! Togepi!
Ash: This time, I’m gonna catch it! *tosses a Pokeball* Corphish, go!
Corphish: *popping out of it’s ball with a porno mag* Corphish Corphish! (Jeez, don’t you ever knock!?)
Ash: Corphish! Use Bubble Beam!
*Corphish shoots a jet stream of bubbles from it’s right claw which bombards the strange wormy creature, but this only angers it. Suddenly, the mystery creature becomes a being of pure light. It grows and takes on a larger, more frightening form. It has evolved into a human-sized monster covered in a white exoskeleton with a long, thrashing tail, an elongated skull with a fleshy crown on top as well as four large, bony sPines on it’s back and a pair of sPoon-shaped wings*
Ash: *whipping out PokeDex* Dexter, is there ANYTHING you can tell me about this?
PokeDex: Togetic DNA detected. The rest is of unearthly origins.
Ash: Unearthly!? Are you telling me this thing came from outer sPace!?
PokeDex: Does that look like something you would find in a zoo, smart-ass?
*Ash takes another look at the creature to see how the battle is progressing. Corphish is dead and the Alien hybrid sucks out it’s brain though some kind of straw which Ash soon learns is a second, telescopic mouth. Upon finishing it’s brain-smoothie, the Alien tosses Corphish’s body aside and runs off in Team Rocket’s direction*
Ash: Oh man, am I easily distracted or what?
James: Eek! It’s coming this way!
Meowth: Well don’t just stand dere! Battle dat ting!
Jesse: You saw what that creature did to the twerp’s Corphish! You battle it!
*Jesse kicks Meowth into the oncoming Alien’s face. Using his only attack, Meowth carves a grid pattern on the creature’s countenance with his Fury Swipes and lands on the ground in front of it. The little feline doesn’t realize it for a second, but this monster bleeds acid and Meowth’s front paws burn off and get cauterized*
Meowth: AAAAGH!!! Screw dis!
*Meowth runs back to his friends and goes straight through Jesse’s legs and turns left. Jesse looks down and then up at the Alien bounding into her. It grabs her and James and flies off into a dark tunnel whilst the two scream*
Jesse: James, stop this crazy thing!
James: We’re getting abducted by an abnormal abomination agaaain!
*Meowth and everybody else just stand around watching them disappear*
Tracey: *smacking his own forehead* Doi! I probably should have used this plasma cannon just now!
Meowth: Oh well, dem idiots had it coming.
*Misty, meanwhile scoops up Togepi’s entrails into her hands and weeps into them. Her sorrow turns into anger*
Misty: Those son of a bitch Aliens will pay for what they did to my little Togepi.
Ash: Who?
Meowth: Da egg ting.
Ash: Oh right. I hated that thing. Everybody listen up! We’ll all be safer if we release our Pokemon as we try to find a way out of this Pyramid.
Max: Good idea! That way, there’ll eyes everywhere, we’ll be more intimidating as a large group and more equipped to battle those Aliens if we’re forced to fight.
Ash: Uh, I was gonna say because we could use them as human shields, but your explanation sounds more humane.
Pikachu: Piiikaaaahhh… (I’m selling you down the river first chance I get, buddy.)
*From nowhere it seems, a face-hugger attacks Pikachu and grips it’s face for but a second. Pikachu blows up the alien rapist with a quick and mighty thunderbolt. The gang surveys the area and finds that new Face-huggers are crawling out of one of the adjoining hallways into theirs. They all release their Pokemon, including Brock’s and fight the little buggers to the best of their abilities, but the face-huggers are superior in number. The first to go down is Misty’s Goldeen which was unable to battle on land. Next to fall were May’s Beautifly and Brock’s Lotad. Finally, one of the Face-huggers latched onto Psyduck’s head, but that was a mistake. By doing so, it increased the duck’s headache which gave it a fantastic telekinetic Confusion attack and disabled many of the Face-huggers in midair*
Psyduck: Psy-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-duck-duck-duck! (We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun, but the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time!)
May: Ash! It’s a slaughter! We’ve gotta fall back and get everyone out of here!
Tracey: *blasting the Face-huggers away* She’s right Ash! And I’m not just saying that cuz I plan to bang her in three years!
Ash: Dude! I’ve got dibs on that!
*Misty grabs both boys by the ears and pulls them with her as she, May, Max and the Pokemon run*
Misty: You guys are just as bad as Brock was, you know that right?
2 B Continued...
9/3/2004 10:18:11 PM
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