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Lost in the World of Jurassc Krap part 4
By CeratosPit
A male nurse guided Ian Malcolm through the recreation room where the looneys were playing with crayons. Suddenly, a crazed mofo in a restraint jacket knocks the chaotician over. His name tag sez 'Danny F.'
Dan: I WILL BAN YOU!!! *BZZT! Two other male nurses zap him with a tazer and drag his limp body away*
Malcolm: Sheesh. What was that guy's problem?
Nurse: I dunno, he's some computer geek who banned himself from his own website. Ah! There's Mr.Hammond!
*John Hammond is wearing a fluffy pink dress with holes that expose his nipples, and a fish bowl on his head*
Malcolm: Hey John! Long time no see, eh?
Hammond: Forget it David Shwimmer! You're not getting my soul!
Malcolm: No, no. John, it's me, ah, Ian Malcolm? Remember?
Hammond: Oh, of course! You're that gay knight who played Magneto in X-Men!
Malcolm: Ah, no, that's Ian McKellen. I'm Ian MALCOLM. I, ah, survived Jurassic Park?
Hammond: OH! Of course, of course! Now I remember. You'll have to excuse me, Ian, my memory goes every now and then, but the doctors say I'm getting better.
Doctor: *walking by* No, we don't.
Hammond: But enough about me, what brings you here?
Malcolm: Well, John. I, um, I was wondering, ah, if I could go back to Jurassic Krap with say, a team of documentarians, and and get some photographic evidence that you did in fact, resurrect dinosaurs from coprolite.
Hammond: Oh, Ian. I'm sorry to tell you this but the military just bombed the Krap out of Isla Nublar last week.
Malcolm: Ah, dammit!
Hammond: Would you like some tea?
Malcolm: Yeah, thanks.
*Hammond turns around, takes a plastic cup, lifts his dress and pisses in it. Malcolm watches, a little freaked out. Hammond hands him the cup*
Hammond: Bottoms up.
Malcolm: What the hell is that?
Hammond: Well I just asked you if you wanted some pee.
Malcolm: Ah, no, you asked me if I wanted tea.
Hammond: Now why the hell, would I offer you tea?
Malcolm: *putting the cup down* Mmmkay. You know what? I'm just gonna get going then. This was a waste of my time. *get's up and starts walking away*
Hammond: Oh don't go. I could send you to my other dinosaur preserve...
Malcolm: Ah, other dino-dinosaur preserve?
Hammond: Well of course. You don't think Nublar was the only place I bred them, did you?
Malcolm: Alright, hold up. This is straight up you talking. Not the insanity, right? You really do have another island with dinosaurs on it?
Hammond: Yes, it's called Isla Sorna! It's twice as big as Nublar and has even more dinosaurs on it!
Malcolm: Hmm. Interesting. Could I go there?
Hammond: Certainly! I can even hook you up with a Mechanic, a Photographer and a Native American Manwhore too! You can leave as soon as tomorow. My treat!
Malcolm: Excellent! Thank you John, but I don't think we'll need to bring the Native American Manwhore along.
Hammond: *turns to the Native American Manwhore* I'm sorry Chief Broom. I guess they won't need your assistance after all.
*Chief Broom sheds a tear. He goes over to the sink, rips it out of the bathroom and throws it through the wall. He steps out through the new opening and runs out*
Malcolm: Riiiight. Well, John, thanks again. I better pack up for that trip!
Hammond: Well don't let me stop you. Ya know, Ian, you're the second person I send to that Island this week!
Malcolm: And it's only Monday morning. Who else did you send?
Hammond: Your girlfriend, Sarah Harding.
Ian: What!? You send my Girlfriend to that island?
Hammond: I'm sorry, are you concerned about her safety?
Malcolm: No, I'm worried about the dinosaurs' safety! That crazy bitch keeps her cats in an aquarium and her dogs in a Birdcage! Plus, I was gonna bring some strippers with me, but that'd just be too awkward to work now! By the time I get there, she'll have probably caused another mass extinction on that Island...
Hammond: Then you'd better hurry Malcolm! This isn't a a field trip anymore, it's a rescue mission!
*And with that, Malcolm leaves. Hammond counts 4 fingers on his hand, and smiles. Danny F jumps in out of no where and attacks him*
Dan: I WILL BAN YOU!!!
2 B Continued..
3/24/2002 4:40:49 PM
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