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Jurassic Krap the series: Episode VI
By CeratosPit
One evening, Dr. Alan Grant was lying in bed, twitching and mumbling from what must have been a nightmare.
Alan: No! Stop! Don’t eat me! Eat the kids! Eat the damn kids!
*Suddenly, he is awakened by a phone ring. The weary paleontologist picks it up*
Alan: Wrong number.
*Alan hangs up and goes back to sleep. But moments later, the phone rings again. He angrily answers it once more*
Alan: It’s 1am! Who is this!?
Voice on phone: Are you sleeping well, Dr. Grant?
Alan: I was!
Voice: That’s strange. You looked like you were having nightmares to me.
*The voice hangs up before Alan could say anything. He hangs up the phone and goes back to bed when the phone rings a third time. Fed up, he just decides to let it ring. The next morning, Dr. Grant is lying in bed awake and irritated as the phone continues to ring as it has all night*
Alan: Oh for God’s sake!!! *he picks up the phone* NOW YOU LISTEN HERE, YOU VILE SON OF A BITCH! IF YOU EVER CALL ME AGAIN, I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH!!! YOU HEAR ME, PUNK!?
*Alan hangs up the phone. Meanwhile, on the other side of the line, Ed McMahon is trembling with fear*
Ed: No problem, we’ll just find another Hawaiian vacation winner.
*Later that morning, we come across Alan, Ian Malcolm, Roland Tembo and cyborg Nick Van Owen at Amanda Kirby’s bar and grill, ’Styracosaurus Ugly’ having breakfast pancakes*
Alan: I tell you guys, lately I’ve been having these nightmares about somehow ending up in Jurassic Krap again. And just the other night, I got this mysterious phone call from somebody who sounded like they were watching me in my sleep. You think they’re connected somehow?
Ian: Yeah, ah, maybe you never actually got that phone call. Perhaps that was just another extension of the dreams you’ve been having.
Nick: Or maybe you’ve got a stalker.
Alan: You think so?
Roland: Could be. I hear there’s a guy in this neighborhood whose been repeatedly arrested for breaking into his old lady friend’s house and playing with her son.
Alan: Roland, that’s me.
Roland: Oh. Sorry, mate.
Nick: How is Charlie, anyway?
Alan: Ah, the boy’s growing up so fast. Just yesterday, I taught him how to say Micropachycephalosaurus.
*The 4 men simultaneously ‘Aaaaawwwwww’ at Grant’s news. Malcolm finishes his beer and snaps his fingers. Kelly, his 18 year old daughter who now works there full time walks over*
Kelly: Hey, daddy, can I get you something?
Ian: Ah, yeah, honey, daddy’s run out of beer. Would you be a divine insPiration and get me another bottle?
Kelly: You know, dad, I really don’t think you should be drinking in the morning.
Ian: Kelly, please. Time magazine ranked me as one of the 5 most brilliant men alive. If I kill off a few brain cells, it’s really no major loss.
Kelly: Well, if you put it that way… *she turns her attention to the kitchen* LEX! Can we a get a couple more brews for my dad and his friends!!!
*Lex, also aa exotic dancer/waitress, walks out of the kitchen with a 6-pack of Bud Lights and brings it over to the table*
Lex: These are on me, fellas. Thanks for recommending me to the manager.
Alan: Sure thing, Lex. Say, where is Mrs. Kirby anyway?
*Amanda Kirby walks into the club looking like she’s been through hell. She drops her coat, hops onto the catwalk next to where the guys sit. She begins a sexy pole dance and casually addresses them*
Amanda: Sorry I’m late, guys. A giant robot was about to smash my car when sPitter-Man came along and saved the day.
Nick: Wow. I bet that was exciting. I wonder who sPitter-Man really is.
Amanda: Meh, Probably somebody we’ve never even heard of before. Somebody really sexy. So, how are my most loyal customers?
Ian: Well, Grant here thinks he may have a stalker.
Amanda: Really? I bet it’s just Paul.
Alan: Why would your Ex husband be stalking me?
Amanda: Well, you did sue him for everything he was worth and now he and Eric are dirt poor. Plus, Dr. Malcolm blew up Isla Sorna while they were still on it. I’m surprised he’s not stalking you too.
Ian: *sipping his booze* What can I say? Your husband has poor taste.
Roland: I once had a stalker. A bloody lion! I snapped his neck with my bare hands, I did.
Amanda: Um, that’s nice, Roland. But I don’t think my asinine husband is anything to worry about.
Nick: Say, Mrs. Kirby? Why do you still go by that name even though you and your husband got a divorce?
Amanda: I like Kirby. It’s cute, and I just really don’t wanna go back to being called Amanda Huggankiss. *everybody in the bar bursts out laughing at Amanda* Right, that’s something I probably should have kept to myself…
*Suddenly, Billy Brennan bursts in through the door!*
Billy: Guys! You’re not gonna believe this! I just won an all expenses paid Hawaiian vacation from Publishers Clearing House!!!
Alan: Are you serious? That stuff never happens.
Billy: Well it did for me! Not only have I also won a trip for me, but 10 of my friends get to come with me! You guys in?
Alan: Well, I find this a bit hard to swallow…
Ian: Then wash it down with something. They’re only pancakes.
Alan: Sure, Billy. I think we could all come!
Lex and Kelly: Us too?
Billy: Why not? Well, that leaves about 3 more sPots open…
Ian: Well, I suppose I should bring Sarah then.
*Suddenly, Ellie bursts in through the door*
Ellie: ALAN!
Alan: Oh boy, here it comes…
Ellie: Dammit, Alan! This is the last straw! *whips out a gun* You’re never going to bother me or Charlie ever again!
Alan: Ellie, wait! We were all just going to Hawaii! You could come too if you promise not to kill me!
*Nick Van Owen stands behind Ellie waving his arms, shaking his head and making negative gestures*
Ellie: Really!? Wow, I always wanted to go to Hawaii! Alright you got a deal!
Alan: Whew! Close one.
Ian: Not really. Now, ah, Nick wants to kill you.
*Nick bangs his head against the wall*
Ellie: But just for the record, Alan, I’m going to see to it that every minute of your vacation is a miserable one! And not only that--
*As Ellie is talking, a wad of sticky black goo sPlatters all over her face. She yells incoherently and waves her arms around the air. Just then, a young man with a green reptilian body leaps in through the window*
sPitter-Man: Hey guys! What’s crackulatin’?
Alan: Wow, thanks sPitter-Man! She’s been getting on my nerves lately.
sPitter-Man: Don’t mention it. Say, I heard you guys were all going to Hawaii.
Nick: We sure are, sPitter-Man!
Billy: Care to join us?
sPitter-Man: Sorry guys, but you know crime never sleeps. Although, you know who you all should bring?
Ian: Somebody who will frivolously throw their money away buying us stuff?
sPitter-Man: Nah, you should bring my number one dawg, Tim Murphy.
Roland: Exactly. Somebody who will frivolously throw their money away buying us stuff.
Billy: You got it. Tim it is. Hey, where is that kid?
sPitter-Man: Oh, I got a feeling he’ll show up in a moment. Well guys, I have to go stop some genetically enhanced Mongolian poodles. Catch y’all later!
*And with that, sPitter-Man leaps back out the window as everybody waves goodbye. Seconds later, Tim walks in through the door*
Tim: Hey guys! What’s cracku-er, I mean, how’s it hangin’?
Ian: A little to the left, but, ah, my doctor tells me that’s normal.
Nick: Hey Tim, you wanna go to Hawaii with us?
Tim: Wow! Do I ever! Thanks you guys!
Billy: Don’t thank us, thank sPitter-Man! He told us we should bring you.
Tim: *acting surprised* He did!? Wow, that’s my buddy sPitter-Man!
Roland: Say, how did you ever get to know that bloke, anyway?
Tim: Oh, let’s just say cool people like us have ways of coming together.
Roland: Oh, I see. He’s gay.
Billy: *thinking* Hmm. I wonder if he’s available…
Tim: WHA!? sPitter-Man isn’t gay!
Roland: If that’s what you want to believe…
*Ellie finally rubs the Tar-sPit off her face with a wet towel next to the wall*
Ellie: *breathing heavily* Finally. Now where was I? Oh yeah, Alan, I’m gonna--
*CRASH! John Hammond’s car crashes through the wall and runs over Ellie*
Hammond: MY AIR CONDITIONER HAS A FEVER! SOMEBODY CALL THE HOPSTICKLE!
Tim and Lex: Grampa!
*Later, everybody’s standing outside watching the Men in White restrain Hammond and put him in the Krazy Truck*
Hammond: I LOVE YOU MRS. POTATO HEAD!
Man in White: Yes, yes, Mrs. Potato Head is waiting for you back at the institution.
*They lock him in the truck and drive away. The gang stands around watching*
Alan: So, Nick, when is our flight?
Nick: *looks at watch* It’s taking off in, um, 3... 2...
*Cut to scene where the small passenger plane is taking off. Everybody is seated inside.*
Ian: So, ah, Sarah what do you wanna do once we get there?
Sarah: I wanna find some cuddly little dolphins and squeeze their little heads off!
Ian: Yeah, as long as you don’t bring any home. Our house is enough like, ah, the Serengeti as it is.
Sarah: By the way, honey, did you remember to hire an animal sitter?
Ian: Don’t worry, I got Ellie’s, ah, husband to do it. At least until the boys get from Vegas.
*Meanwhile, back at the Malcolm residence, Mark is being chased by Sarah’s lion, Fru Fru, in the basement*
Mark: Nice kitty.
*Over in Vegas, The Malcolm boys are picking up three hookers*
Lee Harvey: Yo, what up baby. I’m Lee, these two motherf**kas here are mah brothers Shonte and Jamaal. *Jamaal smack him upside the head* Ow! Motherf**ka, what dat fo’?
Jamaal: Dummy, what the f**k you doin’ blowin’ up our sPots like that?
Shonte: You never tell hoes da truth!
Hooker#1: Come on, ladies, I don’t trust these boys, let’s go.
Jamaal: Yo, yo, yo, yo, what if we throw in an extra $20?
Hooker#2: Alright then, let’s do this.
All 3 Malcolm boys: AWWW, SHIT! SECOND CHANCE! SECOND CHANCE!
*Back on the plane…*
Nick: Wow. As if it weren’t crazy enough that we’re going to Hawaii, we happen to be on the same plane as Pop superstar Aaron Carter!
Aaron: *to Lex* Hey, Legs. You ever had a 13 year old before?
Lex: Bite me, brat!
Aaron: Is that an offer?
*Lex punches Aaron in the face and leaves her seat, disgusted. She passes by Alan and Billy*
Billy: You know what the best part of flying is?
Alan: Yes. Being immune to earthquakes.
Billy: Well, aside from that. It’s those delicious peanuts. Do ya think they’ll serve any on this flight?
Alan: I dunno. How long is this flight?
Billy: I think 7 hours.
Alan: 7 hours!? Good lord.
Billy: I’m going to the cockpit. I’m gonna ask the captain when our meals will be served.
Alan: No, let me do it. I’ve got to stretch my legs a little bit.
*Alan gets out of his seat and walks over to the cockpit*
Alan: Excuse me, captain?
*Paul Kirby turns around in the pilot seat. They both drop their jaws in surprise*
Alan & Paul: WHAT THE-- YOU!?
Paul: Hey, Dr. Grant!
Alan: Mr. Kirby, what are you doing flying this plane?!
Paul: Trying to make a living! After you sued me for every penny I was worth, I had to find a job. Check it out, I’m a pilot!
Alan: This coming from the man who abducted me and flew me to the most dangerous area on Earth.
Paul: I never brought you to Columbia.
Alan: I meant Isla Sorna! Hell, do you even know how to fly a plane?
Paul: I should think so! I’m doing a pretty decent job right now, aren’t I?
*Eric turns around in the co-pilot’s seat*
Eric: Uh, Dad? We’re plummeting into the ocean!
Paul: *turns back to the controls* Whoopsie daisy!
*The plane pulls up after nearly crashing into the ocean*
Alan: AAAGH! Mother of God!
Paul: Hey, you shouldn’t be back here. Look at what you made me do! Have some peanuts and get back to your seat.
Alan: Gladly! *Alan grabs a bag of peanuts, leaves the cockpit and returns to his seat* Billy, wake me when we land.
Billy: Did you find out about the peanuts?
Alan: Yeah, here you go. I also found out that our pilot is nuts. Paul Kirby is flying this plane.
Everybody else: WHAT!?
Aaron: Who?
Amanda: *breaks out a scotch* I’m gonna need this.
Alan: Yup. Now, don’t wake me before we arrive. I haven’t slept all night. And if this plane bursts into flames and crashes into the sea, I really don’t wanna be awake.
Roland: Pansy.
*Alan falls asleep. After a few hours in flight he wakes up. He opens his eyes to see that nobody is on board! Just then he hears his name being mentioned. To his horror, there’s a raptor in the seat next to him!*
Raptor: Are you sleeping well, Dr. Grant?
Alan: AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! *he wakes up to find it has all been a dream. He hears Billy next to him*
Billy: Alan! snap out of it, man! You ok?
Alan: Oh. Billy. Thank good-- *He turns to his left to see that it isn’t Billy he’s talking to, but a raptor!* AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!
*Alan wakes up again*
Billy: Alan! Snap out of it, man! You ok?
Alan: Whoa. Billy, I just had one of those nightmares again. And this one was like one of those ‘waking up inside a dream and still be dreaming’ nightmares. Do you know what I’m talking about?
Billy: Oh yeah, sure. You mean like the one you’re having right now.
Alan: Come again?
*Billy pulls off his face, and reveals that he is really a velociraptor*
Alan: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!
*Alan wakes up yet again*
Billy: Alan! Snap out of it, man! You ok?
Alan: Oh jeez, I’ve just been having a whole lot bunch of nightmares.
Billy: Well, I can’t say you woke up to anything pleasant. We’re on a plane piloted by Paul Kirby, and there are Pteranodactyls outside the plane ripping the wings apart.
*Alan looks outside the window and notices 3 pteranodactyls shredding apart the wing*
Alan: Oh give me a break. AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!
*But to his surprise, he doesn’t wake up this time*
Ellie: Would you shut up already!
Aaron: We’re gonna crash! Somebody hold me!
*He clings to Kelly and buries his face in her cleavage*
Kelly: Eww. Anybody got a crowbar?
Sarah: Here you go, sweetie. *hands her a crowbar* But I think that kid’s the least of our problems now!
Amanda: We’re going down!
Ian: Ah, Hold onto something, this is going to be bad.
*Everybody screams as the plane crashes down on the island below. It sPins across the treetops and finally lands upside down on a grassy plane. Everybody inside groans*
Grant: Is everybody alright?
Aaron: Don’t worry, homies! I’m cool!
*Everybody groans in disgust. Suddenly, Paul and Eric step out of the cockpit in Hawaiian shirts*
Paul: Woohoo! Somebody point us to the nearest Luau!
Eric: Yeah, I gotta go get me a lay!
Ian: Um, idiots? I don’t think we’re on Hawaii.
Aaron: Then where are we.
Billy: You guys don’t suppose we’ve landed on--
Alan: Don’t even say it. You’ll jinx us.
Roland: Wait a bloody second. I thought Malcolm blew that place up.
Tim: Guys?
Ian: Yeah, I did. It’s deader than this kids career in 5 months. *points to Aaron*
Tim: Guys?
Ellie: Then how do you explain those Pteranodactyls we saw?
Tim: Guys?
Amanda: Well, maybe they flew off the island before it blew up.
Tim: GUYS!
Everybody: WHAT?
*Tim points outside to a herd of Ceratopsians riding tricycles at full sPeed in their direction*
Tim: If this isn’t Sorna, then what is that stampeding herd of Tricycloplotz doing here?
*Everybody looks outside of the plane in horror*
Ian: Ah, Timeshare?
Nick: Right, well, I‘m getting out of here. I recommend you guys do the same.
*They all run out of the plane as the Trikes on trikes get closer*
Alan: We’ll never be able to outrun them!
Roland: Maybe we can divert them in another direction!
Ellie: How do we do that!?
*Roland whips out his Rocket launcher, fires it at the plane and blows it up. The Tricycloplotz don’t care and crash through the burning wreckage. Flaming debris rains down on our heroes*
Alan: Roland, I don’t think that helped us much.
Nick: No, but you gotta admit that was pretty cool!
*The gang heads into the woods, escaping the thundering herd behind them. Once they stop to rest, the question comes up*
Kelly: Mr. Tembo, why would you bring a Rocket Launcher to Hawaii.
Roland: I wanted to blow some of those annoying little dolphins.
Sarah: *Smashes a tree branch against Roland’s head* No! No, that’s a BAD Big Game Hunter!
Roland: Crikey!
Alan: Ok then, here’s a better question. Where did we land? This can’t be Nublar OR Sorna.
Billy: Maybe Mr. Kirby flew us into a time-warp and just sent us flying into the Mesozoic. Like on that episode of the Twilight Zone.
Paul: Oh please, I think I know a time-warp when I see one!
Ian: Hey, ah, Mr. Kirby. What’s that? *Points to a tree stump*
Paul: *gasP* AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! IT’S A TIME-WARP! EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! *Paul runs into the woods*
Ian: Tch. Idiot.
Eric: *sigh* Well, I guess, we’re gonna have to go find him, now.
Everybody else: “Um, No, not really” “I don’t think so” We’ll do it later” “Find who?”
Eric: Yeah, you’re all probably right…
Alan: Now back, to the question at hand; Tim? Lex? Did your Grandfather happen to build another Island theme park where he bred dinosaurs?
Tim: Not to my knowledge. He bought 5 islands, but only 2 had dinosaurs on them. Hey, Lex. Where does your GPS say we are?
Lex: *fiddling with one of her gizmos* According to this thing, we’re on an island about 300 miles off the coast of Costa Rica called Isla Burrito.
Ellie: Isla Burrito?
Tim: Isla Burrito! Yeah, Grandpa used to own an island that went by that name. The other 2 were Isla Puta and Isla Cojones. But, according to him, they never cloned any dinosaurs here.
Ian: Jinkies. What a mystery.
Alan: Does anybody have a Cell Phone?
Billy: I do, but it’s out of range.
Lex: I can fix that. *takes Billy’s cell phone* I’ll just boost it’s reach by hooking it up to my GPS. This shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes.
Kelly: What do we do in the mean time?
Roland: *starts walking* Well, we’re not going to get any bloody answers standing around here. Let’s get this moveable feast underway.
*Everybody follows*
Sarah: Yes! Maybe we’ll find shum shweet widdow baby dinoshowsh! *Shrills with delight*
Malcolm: Ah, honey? How about we just go to Florida later and get you some baby Alligators?
Ellie: Wait a second…8, 9, 10... We’re missing somebody!
Aaron : *jumping out of the bushes* Don’t worry, y’all! Aaron C is in the hiz-ouse!
Ellie: No, not you! We don’t give a rat’s ass about you! Where’s that Nick Van Horn guy?
Kelly: Van Owen. I dunno, I haven’t seen him since we ran into the woods.
Ian: NICK!?
Sarah: Nick Van Owen!?
Ian: Honey, ah, how many Nicks do you think are on this island?
*Meanwhile, not too far away, standing around in the jungle are…*
Nicholas Cage: Hey was somebody just--?
Nick Nolte: No, no, they were calling for some Van Owen guy.
Cage: Oh. Ok.
Nolte: You wanna do anal?
Cage: No, I’m good.
*Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys walks up to Aaron and the rest of the group*
Nick Carter: Yo, baby bro! You’re here too?
Aaron: Alright! The Carter boys are together again!
Alan: Oh, sweet God…
Nick: And you guys know what? I feel a song coming on! *BLAM! Roland shoots him in the head*
Aaron: Nick! No!
Alan: Thank you, Mr. Tembo.
Roland: No worries. I just did what you all were thinking.
Aaron: No! Nick, No! Brother, my brother, you can’t leave me! You can’t… you just can’t… Ladies! Hold me, I need sympathy!
*Aaron grabs onto Lex and Kelly, who simultaneously kick him in the nuts*
Lex: Off, creep!
Kelly: Or we’ll have Roland shoot your ass, too!
Aaron: *curled up in a fetal position* Oh…well…*cough*…it almost…worked…
*Moments later, Nick Van Owen catches up to the group holding up his video camera*
Nick: Hey, gang. Hope I didn’t worry you. I was just getting some footage for National Geographic.
Alan: Well don’t do that again. We don’t know what’s on this island.
Ian: Well, no, there’s trees, some dinosaurs and a hapless moron running around them.
*In the woods, not too far away, Paul Kirby runs around like the hapless moron Ian made him out to be until he crashes into a Gungamimus and falls back to the ground*
Paul: Oof! Oh my gosh, I’m sorry!
Gungamimus: *deep gasp* Whassa yousa be saying to meesa? That yousa so sorry?
Paul: Yeah, that was all my fault. See, there was this Time Warp and--
Gungamimus: Oh heepee heepee hooraysa! *fart* Thisen be da happiest day-o of meesa rife! Meesa so gratefur!
Paul: Hey, lemme tell ya buddy, a Time Warp is nothing to be happy about!
Gungamimus: No, no, no, no, no, no, Meestah man! Meesa being so happy that yousa been aporogizing to meesa!
Paul: Really? Why?
Gungamimus: Because yousa no kirr meesa insteading of saying yousa being soooo sorry to meesa. Meesa most inferiorest and behated animar on isrand! Maybe da Universe even! *farts*
Paul: Ha ha! You just farted again! I find that really funny. You know, farting? I find that funny! You’re kick-ass. What’s your name?
Gungamimus: Meesa carred Poo Poo Tinkres!
Paul: Ha Ha! Poo Poo Tinkles! That’s kick-ass! Oh, I wish I could take you home with me!
Poo Poo: Oh, but yousa can! Yousa see, because of yousa saying yousa so sorry to meesa, meesa be owing you a rife debt! Meesa being yousa most humbringest servant now forever!
Paul: Wow! Really, Poo Poo? That’s totally kick-ass! Now we could be best friends forever!
Poo Poo: For ever and ever and ever and ever!
Paul: *puts arm around his new pet* You know something Poo Poo? I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!
*The two walk off into the jungle to find the rest of the gang. Poo Poo farts again and Paul has a good laugh. Further away in the jungle, Nick Van Owen films the group as they trek across the island. He films Alan and Ellie*
Ellie: You know that the deal is off now, right?
Alan: What?
Ellie: The deal. You were SUPPOSED to take me to Hawaii, and I would drop all charges. This isn’t Hawaii.
Alan: Oh, come on, Ellie. This whole restraining order thing is Bullcrap!
Ellie: Don’t you even say it!
Alan: Charlie is my son too, and you know it.
Ellie: Now you knock that off this instant, Alan Grant! Charlie is Mark’s son, not yours!
Alan: If you’re so sure of that, then why don’t you take the DNA test?
Ellie: Because I don’t need the damn DNA test! I’m his mother and I know who his father is!
Alan: Fine, you believe what you want. And when that kid starts classifying new sPecies of Dromaeosaurs and wearing old Fedora hats, then you just keep reminding yourself that!
*Ellie looks like she’s about to retort that but just storms off. Nick than pans his camera over to Aaron Carter hitting on Lex and Kelly*
Aaron: Come on, ladies, I don’t know why you tryin’ to play me like this. I’m gorgeous, I’m rich and famous, I’m--
Kelly: Pompous, whiny, irritating…
Lex: Not to mention 13 years old.
Aaron: So? Come on, girls there’s no law against statutory rape in this jungle!
*Lex and Kelly swiftly turn around to punch him out. Aaron falls back with 2 black eyes. Eric comes over and helps him up*
Eric: Wow. Can you teach me to be like you?
Aaron: Ugh! Get away from me, you poor, ugly, unpopular kid!
*lightening abruptly flashes over the jungle and is followed by thunder. It begins to rain*
Billy: Uh oh. It looks like we’re gonna get wet. Lex, Nick, you better put your gadgets away.
*They comply, and it starts to pour*
Ian: I don’t suppose anybody brought an umbrella or a, ah, bus shelter or something?
Roland: I don’t think we’ll be needing those, Ian. Look up ahead.
*There’s some kind of small, odd manmade shelter up ahead that’s covered in vines and leaves but looks like it could fit them all inside*
Tim: What do you suppose that is?
Nick: I don’t know, but it seems dry inside. We better take refuge.
*The gang of 12 run inside and huddle for warmth*
Kelly: Um, Lex? Is that your hand down my pants?
Lex: No, but I was just about to ask you the same…
Both: AARON!!!
*The little teenybopper grins just before to two young ladies knock his lights out. Again*
Sarah: So what is this thing anyway? It looks like--
Alan: Oh my God.
Amanda: What is it?
Alan: It’s a Microwave!
Amanda: For what?
*Like a bolt of lightening, the door slams shut, locking the gang inside! From outside, the vines and leaves are wiped off of the see through door and the gang sees their old pal, Team Raptor and their pack looking in*
Roland: What the bloody Hell?
Vanessaraptor: Get set for danger!
Velocirupert: From a pair of Strangers!
Eric: That answer your question, mom?
Vanessaraptor: Vanessa!
Velocirupert: Rupert!
Vanessa: Team Raptor’s gonna serve you on a plate!
Rupert: With a little bit of Soy sauce, you’re gonna taste great!
Smurth: Smurth! Damn Straight!
Ian: Wow. That was too obvious for, ah, even me to miss.
*Velimeyraptor, the pack Alpha, comes over to the see through door to address his captives*
Limey: I should say so, Dr. Malcolm. Losing our touch are we?
Ian: Afraid so. I can’t believe we fell for the old, ah, “walk-into-a-giant-microwave-to-get-out-of-the-rain” trick.
Limey: What rain? Gentlemen, you may now turn off the effects!
*Two raptors in a nearby studio shut off the sPrinklers and lightening effects*
Tim: Wow, they really went all out today.
Aaron: Whoa, a real dinosaur! Totally far out! Y’all know what? I’m gonna write a song about all this!
*Velocirapper steps into view of the prisoners*
Rapper: Man, why don’t you shut ya little “only gets played on Radio Disney” ass up, ya mini Backstreet Boy!
Billy: That isn’t gonna work.
Aaron: Hey, you guys wanna hear about how I beat Shaq?
Everybody: NO!!!
Alan: Alright, Velimeyraptor, this isn’t Isla Sorna, so how’d all these dinosaurs get over here?
Limey: I’m afraid that it is in the best interest of my kin to not reveal those details. Not that they would mean very much to you in any case, old chap. For you see, in approximately 6 minutes, you and your 11 companions shall be baked from the inside.
Ellie: What!? You can’t do this!
Billy: Yeah, he’s gonna.
Limey: Indeed. By the by, Dr. Grant, have you been slleping better?
Alan: Well, not really… Hey! Wait a minute! You’re the one who called me up last night! That’s where I recognized that voice from!
Limey: Yes, and I trained the Pteranodactyls to crash your plane onto this island. It was all a vast consPiracy to bring you here. And it worked out rather well, wouldn’t you say? All your little friends came along!
Ellie: Oh great! So this is all Grant’s fault!
*Limey presses a button and the gang begins to sPin. The Raptors all leave*
Limey: Well, we’re all off to watch Bill O’Reilly’s most Ridiculous item of the day.
Rapper: Yeah, we’ll be back in 5. It’s Getting’ Hot In Therre! So Take Off All Your Clothes!
Kelly: Oh, I AM getting so hot!
Lex: I’m gonna take my clothes off!
Limey: sPlendid, you shall develop into topless baked goods by that time. Cheerio.
*He leaves the gang to their doom inside the Microwave, sPinning to their doom*
Nick: Oh no, it can’t end like this! Not like this!
Roland: Take it like a man, Nick. You always knew you would die someday, it just came sooner then you thought.
Nick: No, not that, my camera stopped working while Lex and Kelly were stripteasing! The battery must be dying!
Billy: GAH! No, Nick--AGH-- that would be the circuits--eeh-- frying!
*It just keeps getting hotter for everybody, except for Tim, whose Dilophosaurus sapien physiology helps him withstand the temperature. He then gets an idea*
Tim: Hey guys? Ever notice just how beautiful the back of a microwave oven is?
*Everybody looks at the back of the Microwave, while Tim sPrays some of his Acid sPit on microwave door. A hole develops, just big enough for him to jump through*
Ian: *holds Sarah and cries* You’re right, Tim. It’s gorgeous!
Tim: What? Oh, yeah. Hey all, check it out! A little hole just, uh, sPontaneously opened up in the door. I’ll hop out and shut this thing off!
Roland: *skin melting off* What are you waiting for?
*Tim leaps through the hole and shuts off the microwave. He does this, however, in plain view of the raptors watching TV*
O’Reilly: *on TV* Showering twice a day? Come on, people! That’s just being obsessive!
Velatinaraptor: Amigos! El hombre joven se está escapando!
Limey: Quickly! Thwart his strategy of liberation!
Other Raptors: WHAT!?
Limey: Stop him, for God’s sake! Stop him!
Other Raptors: “Ohhhh, sure” “Why didn’t you just say so” “Use one syllable words, boss”
*The raptors charge Tim, who’s right across the front end of the Microwave at the controls. Thinking quickly, Tim kicks the “Open” button and the Microwave door swings open, slamming into the attacking pack of raptors! Limey’s head gets caught in the hole Tim made. The humans inside rush out, a little disoriented and dizzy. Roland’s skin has melted off*
Tim: Holy sPatulas, Mr. Tembo! You need medical attention!
Roland: *a little disoriented* Whaaaa… for this? It’s just skin. It’ll grow back!
*Tim notices the stunned raptors are coming to. And the humans are still way too sPaced out to do anything about it*
Tim: *to himself* this looks like a job for sPitter-man…
*Timmy runs behind the giant microwave, takes off his clothes and transforms into sPitter-Man. While he’s doing this, Velimeyraptor realizes his head is stuck in that hole in door*
Limey: Blithering Blazes! My cranium is caught in the constricting confines of this cavity! Relinquish me from it’s grasP, my comrades! Comrades?
*Little does he know that behind him, sPitter-Man has trapped all the other raptors in his concrete sPit*
sPitter-Man: *walks over to the side of the door* Sorry, dude. You’re buddies can’t help you right now.
Limey: *sees him on the right* Beg pardon. Have we met?
sPitter-Man: You can say that.
Limey: Ah, yes. I recognize your voice. You’re the Murphy boy.
sPitter-Man: No, shut up.
Limey: But of course you are! My, this is an intriguing development. What happened, young man, were you exposed to a radioactive Dilophosaurus wetherilli?
sPitter-Man: Okay, you know what? How’s about I expose YOU to some radiation?
*sPitter-Man slams the huge door shut, with Limey’s head still stuck in it*
Limey: *muffled* What treachery is this? What are you up to? Let me out of here, this instant!
sPitter-Man: *start’s the microwave* Okay, how does 45 seconds on medium sound?
*While Limey’s head is being exposed to radiation, everybody seems to be coming to*
Alan: Ohhh maaaan. What happened?
Amanda: *gasP* sPitter-Man! *runs up to her hero and smothers his face with kisses* Oh, you came all the way from southern Cali to rescue me! I mean us! What can I ever “do” repay you?
sPitter-Man: Shoot, it ain’t no thang! I’m just here, um, on my vacation! Yup. Well, I suggest you guys be on your way. I covered those raptors with a pretty thin layer of my freeze-dry sPit. They should be out in under a few minutes. I’m gonna get going--
*Kelly walks out from behind the microwave carrying Tim’s clothes*
Kelly: Guys! I found all of Tim’s clothes in a pile on the ground!
Ian: Uh-oh. He’s probably, ah, streaking the dinosaurs!
Lex: Eww! I really didn’t need to visualize that!
Alan: Well, I love that boy like a son-- no, wait-- a nephew, but there’s obviously something wrong with him. Billy, can you sPot him?
Billy: *using his robotic eye telescope* Nope. But I’m REALLY trying right now…
sPitter-Man: *laughing nervously* Oh, ha ha! You know what, guys? How about I just take those clothes, and go find Tim myself?
Roland: Mm-Hmm, so you can get him alone naked, right?
sPitter-Man: What? Dude, that is NOT cool!
Amanda: Seriously, Roland, drop it.
Aaron: Yo, I dunno, yous guys! I’m kinda getting that vibe from him, myself!
Nick: You sure you don’t just think he’s cute?
Ian: Okay, you guys, there’s, ah, only one way to know for sure. Billy?
Billy: *a satellite dish pops out of his head* According to my Gay-dar, sPitty’s as straight as the crow flies.
*Suddenly, one of the encased raptors’ arms breaks out from the “black concrete” sPitty covered them with, and thrashes wildly*
Ellie: You know, as thrilling as this conversation is, I really wanna get out of here. So screw you guys… *Ellie leaves*
sPitter-Man: Yeah, uh, I’m gonna take these clothes and find Tim. Peace, all!
*everybody leaves the scene*
Amanda: Goodbye, sPitter-Man! Don’t make yourself a stranger!
Sarah: *grabs Amanda* Come on Lois Lane!
*The Microwave beeps as it finishes. Using all their strength, Velocirapper and Velatinaraptor break out of their freeze-dried shells. Latina looks at Limey’s limp body droop from the Microwave door while his head is still inside*
Latina: Madre de dios! ¡Su cabeza se pega en la microonda!
Rapper: Uh, yeah. Whatever she said, that’s what he is. Limey! *the two raptors run up to their leader, pull his head out and lie him on the ground* Yo, Limey! Wake up, partner! You can’t be dead. You still owe me 20 beans!
Limey: *groans* Awww, wot’s all dis den?
Latina: ¡Él está vivo!
Rapper: Ha ha! You ain’t hit the crossroads yet, my brotha!
Limey: Wot in blazes ah you wankers babblin’ on abaut? Talk the good queen’s English!
Latina: Que?
Rapper: Limey? Dawg? Why you talkin’ with a Cockney accent?
Limey: ‘Ere now, at’s good query, it is. I guess dat bloomin’ radiation ‘alf lobotomized me, it did.
Emirilociraptor: *bursts out of his shell* BAM! Hey, I miss anything?
Rapper: Yeah, dawg. Our boy Limey done went from “Propah” to “Sloppah”.
Latina: Ay, Basura!
*Not too far away, the gang traverses around gigantic mushrooms in the woods when Tim pops up*
Tim: Hey guys.
Lex: Well, somebody ran into sPitter-Man.
Alan: Tim, not that it’s any of my business, but what the hell were you doing alone in the jungle, naked?
Tim: Well, heh heh, you see it was just getting so hot in that microwave, that I though I’d go for a swim.
Ian: So, ah, why aren’t you wet?
Tim: *long pause* Good question. Um, I’m not wet because I couldn’t find actually find a pool or anything. So, I didn’t take that bath after all.
*another long pause*
Nick: Well, it works for me.
Sarah: Yeah, let’s keep going. The sun will be down in a little while.
Alan: And what can be better than wandering across Jurassic Krap late at night?
Aaron: Hey, don’t worry Everybody! I know how to turn those frowns upside down!
Ellie: Is this “better” enough for you, Alan?
Aaron: *sings* People all around, you got to COME GET IT! COME GET IT! COME GET IT!
*Roland cocks his rifle but before he can do anything, a pack of ravenous little Smurfosaurs pop out of the bushes and swarm all over him*
Ian: Ah, yeah. Come and get it.
Aaron: Gaaahhh!!! You guys! Help Me!!! Help Me Please!!!
*The rest of the gang just stands around casually, trying not to pay any attention to the savagery before them. Half a minute passes, and the Smurfies disPerse, revealing the skeleton of the late Aaron Carter*
Lex: Hey, I guess dinosaurs aren’t that bad, after all!
*poison darts soon fly out of the bushes and find their way to the necks of our 12 heroes. They awaken later that night tied up in a great, deep pit to the sound of tribal music. Above them, the village of the Smurfosaurs is celebrating *
Eric: Sounds like somebody’s having a good time…
Billy: It’s those Smurfosaurs. They drugged us and brought us here for some kind of ritualistic sacrifice.
Lex: How do you know?
Billy: Being a cyborg, I can never fully sleep. I was only immobilized.
Amanda: You need any Prozac?
Billy: No, I’m good.
Alan: *struggles with his bonds* Well, those little devils can sure tie a strong knot. Billy, can you cut through these ropes with your laser vision?
Billy: Nope. He disabled it.
Alan: Who did?
*Billy indicates the old Smurfosaur on the ledge above them wearing the red hat and pants, surrounded by hundreds of other Smurfosaurs in whites*
Papa Smurfosaur: So, the humans awaken from their Smurf! I hope you smurfed well, humans, for that was the last nap of your miserable smurfs!
Sarah: Oh My God! Look at them! Aren’t they precious!? Ian, I’ve got to have one!
Ian: I dunno, honey. What’ll we, ah, feed them? Annoying little popstars?
Papa: We smurfed no pleasure in eating that whiny little smurf. We had to put a smurf to that awful noise!
Nick: In that case, we have a lot in common! Maybe we should be friends, instead of you guys trying to sacrifice us!
Papa: Not gonna smurf for that. You humans must be smurfed in order--
Drinky Smurfosaur: Hey, dad? Can I get the key to the liquor cabinet? I’m sobering up, fast.
Papa: Wha-- Drinky!!! Can’t you smurf that I’m addressing the human sacrifices? Smurf?
Drinky: Yeah, whatever, sooner I get that key, the sooner you can do whatever?
Papa: You smurf something? I’m not going to tell you where the smurfs are, son. It’s time you stopped getting inebriated all the damn time!
Drinky: Dad, my name is Drinky Smurfosaur. It’s what I do. Just like all Groovy Smurfosaur does is dance, all Horny ever does is have sex with things, and all Tube Junkie does is watch TV.
Papa: Oh, what did I ever do to deserve such fruitless sons?
Drinky: Look, man, I’m sorry if you wanted gay sons, but your stuck with me, Groovy, Horny and Tube Junkie. So you can either just accept us for who we are and give me the key to the liquor cabinet, OR you can, I dunno, sacrifice us! Which you really seem to enjoy doing!
*Moments later, Drinky, Groovy, Horny and Tube Junkie Smurfosaur are tied up beside the humans*
Drinky: Wow, man, I never actually thought he’d go through with it.
Horny: *to Sarah* Hey, baby! How about I get to be really close friends with your left leg?
Sarah: *delightfully* Oh My God! Ian, it’s hitting on me! Couldn’t you just die!?
Ian: Honey, I, ah, kind of think that’s the whole point of this sacrifice.
Billy: What, to get hit on? Well that certainly would be flattering…
Kelly: So, exactly how ARE they gonna sacrifice us?
Ellie: And more importantly, will it hurt?
Drinky: Uh, I dunno, man. We usually do something different every other week. Last time, we dipped this Para-whatchamacalit into acid. Huh huh, that was sweet.
Alan: And this week?
Drinky: Um, I, like, forgot. Yo, Groovy.
Groovy: *listening to his little walkman with headphones on* What’s hap-pen-nin’?
Drinky: Yeah, uh, how are they gonna kill us this week?
Groovy: *singing* We’ll get eat-ten al-live! By a gi-ant T-rex!
Amanda: Don’t worry, you guys! I’m sure sPitter-Man’s on his way here to save us, right now!
Tim: *still asleep* …put your pants on, grandpa… *snore*
Ellie: Oh, please! That two bit jerk sPitter-Man should be locked up! Just like Bill O’Reilly said!
Amanda: Take that back, bitch!
Ellie: Make me!
Papa: *cutting in* Excuse me? Hey! Helloooo? Okay, you smurfs are gonna be T-rex chow in just a smurf. Anything last smurfs you wanna say?
Drinky: Yeah, dad, go Smurf yourself!
Eric: Mom? I know we haven’t been getting along to well, but I just want to say how much I hate you for what you’ve done to me.
Ellie: Alan, I blame all of this on you, and I’ll see you in Hell!
Ian: I left a million dollars in the…
Sarah: Come on already, I wanna see the cute li’l T-rex!
Horny: Can I nail somebody? Anybody?
Billy: Alan, I think I love you.
Alan: Billy, you’re my best friend and a valued sidekick. But don’t push your luck!
Billy: Got it. Lex I think I love you.
Lex: Billy, if we ever get out of this, I’m going to make hot, monkey-love to you.
Amanda: My only regret in life is never getting a chance to make hot monkey love to sPitter-Man.
Tim: *still sleeping* … i am sPitter-man…
*everybody laughs at Tim’s ludicrous statement*
Roland: Well, apparently I haven’t sPent enough time in the company of death…
Nick: I have. I’ve already been to Hell once. It’s not so bad.
*When everybody finishes, two large doors on the side of the pit open up. Stepping out is an enormous T-rex who slowly makes his way to the humans and Smurfosaurs tied up in the center of the pit*
Ian: You, ah, don’t suppose he’s a vegetarian, do you?
*The rex goes up to Grant who has his eyes closed and sniffs him. Suddenly the rex recognizes him*
T-rex: Wait a second… Alan? Alan Grant? Oh my God it is you!
Alan: *opens his eyes* Wait a second… You’re the T-rex we rescued from Isla Sorna in Jurassic Krap 3!
Billy: Oh yeah! Well I’ll be damned!
T-rex: Hey, Billy! Ian, Amanda! What’s happening?
Ian: Oh, not too much. We’re being sacrificed to you right now, ya know?
Amanda: Yeah, listen, could you maybe not eat us?
T-rex: Hey, don’t worry about it. I’m not going to eat you guys.
Papa: *shouting from his ledge* What is the smurfing of this!? Why aren’t you eating them!?
T-rex: I’m… I’m not hungry, ok?
Papa: What are you talking about? I haven’t fed you for the whole week that I‘ve caught you! You must be hungry!
T-rex: Well, I’m not, ok? So why don’t you just leave me alone!
Roland: What’s the matter, Mr. Rex? You don’t eat humans?
T-rex: *tries not to cry* No, it’s not that, I just…
Amanda: Just what?
Alan: Yeah, you’re among friends.
T-rex: I’m A Scavenger, Okay? You Happy?
Alan: Oh. Well, I am a little surprised. When did you find this out?
T-rex: When I almost got killed by that sPykosaurus in Jurassic Krap 3. I just lied on the jungle floor in two separate pieces thinking about how it feels to be dying, and ever since then I’ve decided not to kill anymore. I would just go around, beating up other predators and stealing their meals.
Billy: Do your parents know?
T-rex: No. I haven’t told them yet.
Ian: Well, hey, ah, don’t worry about it, buddy. Lot’s of famous predators scavenge. Just look at, ah, Lions!
Roland: Aye. Some of the fiercest bastards I ever hunted were scavengers.
Ellie: This is so messed up…
Sarah: Besides, it doesn’t matter whether you kill your meals or just eat them dead. What matters is that you’re sPecial just the way that you are. I’m sure your folks will understand.
Drinky: Unless they’re like MY folks.
Papa: Ok, you smurf what? I’m sorry, but smurf is just really disturbing to listen to. Now, T-rex, you can either smurf these bastards, or I’m going to smurf a landslide into that pit which will smurf all of you!
T-rex: *looks at his friends and then looks back up at Papa Smurfosaur* You know what? Kill us all then! Cuz I’m here! I’m a scaven-gere! So get used to it!
*The sacrificed Humans and Smurfosaurs cheer for their friend. But the joy is short lived*
Papa: *whisPering* whatever! Gentlesmurfs, initiate the landsli--
*Like lightening, Paul Kirby and his sPeedy Gungamimus, Poo Poo Tinkles, run up behind Papa Smurfosaur, causing him to fall into the sacrificial pit. T-rex traps him under his foot*
Paul: Hey, everybody! Look what I found! His name is Poo Poo Tinkles and he’s my new best friend!
Poo Poo: Yousa Arr rove Poo Poo Tinkres when yousa be getting to know Poo Poo Tinkres!
T-rex: Hey, Smurfosaurs! It looks like the tides have finally turned! If you don’t let me and my buddies out of here, I’m gonna have a big blue stain on my foot!
Papa: You lie! You smurfed you’re a scavenger! You won’t smurf me!
T-rex: No, that just means I won’t eat you. But you’re an asshole, so I really won’t have a problem killing you!
*Rex applies pressure with his foot*
Papa: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! Alright, I give! You and your friends can go in peace.
*Later, T-rex lifts everybody out of the pit with his head. He is then pulled out with a large harness. Alan stands by the edge of the pit getting a lecture from Papa Smurfosaur*
Papa: You may leave this evening, but be forewarned! Should your feet ever tread the village of the Smurfosaurs again, we shall--
Ellie: *interrupts Papa Smurfosaur by getting in front of him* Move it, buster!
Papa: Hey!
Alan: Here it comes…
Ellie: *to Grant* Listen you! Today, I was in a plane crash, a microwave oven and a sacrificial pit! And guess who I blame for it all?
Alan: Mr. Kirby?
Ellie: *imitates buzzer* Wrong! I blame you, dummy! And furthermore--
*Ellie is interrupted by Poo Poo, whose face comes between her and Grant*
Poo Poo: Why are yousa so sad, nice rady?
Ellie: Grrrr! Back off! I’m in no mood for--!!!
Poo Poo: Meesa be knowing what wirr maken yousa happy! Meesa be showing yousa da roudest fart in da worrd!
Ellie: Huh?
*Poo Poo turns his ass towards Ellie’s face and rips an incredibly loud fart which sends her, as well as Papa Smurfosaur behind her, back into the pit. On top of that, the deafening sound of the fart causes the boulders over the pit to loosen and fall. Ellie Degler and Papa Smurfosaur land on their backs and look up to see the boulders falling on them*
Ellie: DAMN YOU, ALAN GRRRAAAAAAAaaaaannnnttt…
*Ellie and Papa Smurfosaur are buried in the landslide. The pack of Smurfosaurs look on in shock. They then look angrily at the humans and four smurfs on T-rexes back*
Ian: Ah, thank you all for the hosPitality, but we really must be leaving.
Kelly: Yeah, call us! Peace!
*T-rex runs out of the Smurfosaurus village, chased by an angry mob, with Alan, Ian, Sarah, Billy, Kelly, Lex, Tim, Amanda, Paul, Eric, Roland, Nick and Poo Poo Tinkles on his back. As he runs into the woods, Tim finally wakes up*
Tim: *yawn* Did I miss anything?
Alan: So, T-rex? Where are we going now?
T-rex: Well, I have something I need to take care of…
*Later that night, we see T-rex outside his parents’ cave, talking to them*
Mommy Rex: Oh, Bubula! We’re your parents! We love you no matter what you are!
Daddy Rex: sPeak for yourself, Mother! Daddy Rex didn’t raise no Vulture! *Mommy Rex smacks him* I mean, yes, yes, we love you no matter what! EshPecially since you brought uh these delicious little treats!
Roland: Who you calling a treat!?
T-rex: Uh, dad? Theses aren’t treats. They’re my friends, dude!
Daddy Rex: *eye’s Roland susPiciously* Hey, wait a minute! Aren’t you that guy who drugged me and brought me to San Diego?
Roland: Um, no. No, that was Patrick Stuart.
Daddy Rex: Ah, yes. Damn you, Patrick Stuart! One of these days, when I get my sPindly little arms on you…
*Later, we find the gang standing around in the jungle*
Alan: Well, I guess we’re gonna be stuck here for a while…
Sarah: *cuddles her 4, new pet Smurfosaurs* And that’s just fine with me!
Roland: Aye, and it looks like we’re gonna have to build ourselves a shelter.
Kelly: Out of what? Branches and stuff?
Tim: Come on, guys! I know this is a pretty terrifying place to live, but I’m sure that if we all pull together, we can build ourselves a darn good shelter! So, whaddya say?
*Everybody, just kind of stands around. A few hours, we see everybody looking at sorriest shelter ever built*
Eric: So, that’s our new home?
Paul: Yes, son. This is where we’re gonna live.
Amanda: And that’s where mommy and everybody else is going to live.
*Amanda points to a glorious tree house, standing in the sunrise. It looks like a wooden replica of the Visitors’ Center from Nublar held up by great, thick, tree trunk. Beneath it, is a large Rock formation in the shape of a dog house, labled “Rex”*
Lex: Come on, Kelly, I’m dying to try out the hot tub.
*She grabs Kelly and they go over to the tree house*
Billy: Hey, Lex? Hot monkey sex sound familiar? Lexy? *follows them*
Tim: It ain’t Grandpa’s mansion, but it has it’s charms *goes along*
Sarah: *to her Smurfosaurs* Come on, kids! Let me show you your new room!
Drinky: Long as there’s booze, porn, a TV, and Euro-dance CD’s, I think we’ll be fine.
Ian: It’s basically a closet, but, ah, I guess we can fit all that in there.
*They leave too*
Nick: You guys think we’ll get off this island any time soon?
Roland: Maybe after 10 episodes or so…
Alan: What’s that supposed to mean?
Amanda: Call me crazy, but I think we’re gonna be trapped here for a while.
*And those four go to their new home, too. Paul, Eric and Poo Poo Tinkles are left standing around, left with their pitiful excuse for a shack*
Paul: Well, come on, son! That toilet isn’t gonna install it’s self!
Poo Poo: Pee Pee! Poo Poo! Ka Ka! Doo Doo!
Eric: I hate you, dad.
*Meanwhile, back on the mainland, the Malcolm boys return home*
Jamaal: Yo, Mr. D! You home?
Shonte: You didn’t get mauled or nothing’, did you?
Lee Harvey: Mr. Degler? *opens the door to the kitchen and looks inside* Oh, Shnap!
*Jamaal and Shonte walk in to see Mark Degler covered in blood, scratches and missing his right arm. Charlie sits on the floor with one of Sarah’s monkeys and their lion, playing with Mark’s amputated arm*
Mark: Hello, boys. Good news. I think your animals like me.
Charlie: No shit, Sherlock!
*The Malcolm boys have a good laugh at the foul mouthed 2 year old*
The End!
10/15/2002 1:29:48 AM
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