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Jurassic Krap the series: Episode 4 The Phantom Menace
By CeratosPit
Last Time as you may recall…
Eric: Dad, we're being followed by a pack of Raptors on motorcycles!
Pablo: Wow, would you look at these kids? Why back in my day, Motorcycle gangs just wore Snakeskin boots and leather jackets. Nowadays, they go all out and wear gigantic Lizard costumes!
Nick: Alright, Tim, John, let's go over the plan once more. We land on the roof, sneak in through the ventilation system, and sPlit up into 3 different directions. Tim, you'll sneak into Wilton Fist's office and retrieve any files and documents that pertain to their links to the Taliban, cloning dinosaur armies and whatnot. I'll sneak over the cloning labs and take photographs of everything that's going on. John, you have the most important job.
Hammond: Do I get to pet the bunny?
Nick: You stay in the vent where we leave you and pick your nose until we get back. But do it very quietly.
Lex: I mean, it's not a very big bed, but we can both squeeze in.
Kelly: Hey, listen, there's no reason we can't take this shower together, right?
Nick: Dodgson?
Dodgson: No, not quite. I'm afraid Lewis Dodgson is dead. You can call me... *Dodgson changes appearence once again. This time into a horrible red demonic reptile man with the anthropomorphic face of a Carnoratosaurus* ... THE CRIMSOM CARNORATOSAUR!!!
Wu: I'm just a simple brilliant genetisist trying to make his way in the Universe.
*Nick helps Tim up. He shoots his grappling hook up into the Air duct and the two retract back up in there. Nick goes in first but before Tim could climb in, one of the Dilophosaurs sPrays him with the radioactive Dilo-juice*
Tim: Tell me I just didn't see--
Crimson: You did, kid! NICK VAN OWEN IS DEAD!
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
The Crimson Carnoratosaurus flies Cyberdactyl next to the late Nick Van Owen’s minijet where Tim Murphy and John Hammond ride helplessly. Crimson jumps off of his Robotic Pterosaur and land on the little plane. He kicks the glass dome/windshield with great power and it goes flying off the hull…
Hammond: Excuse me sir, but is toilet paper made out of toilets?
Crimson: Geez, no wonder your company died! Say hello for me when you see it in Hell!
*Crimson smashes his clawed hand through all the controls and rips out the wiring*
Tim: It can’t end like this…It can’t…
Crimson: Ah, the rich boy! What do you get for the kid who has everything? I Know! *The Crimson Carnoratosaurus hocks something up into his throat, and sPits out Nick Van Owen’s head into Tim’s hands. By now, the plane is losing altitude fast and about to crash* Well, sorry I can’t talk to you guys any longer! But I’ve got a civilization to destroy! So long!
*And with that, the Crimson Carnoratosaurus hops back onto his Cyberdactyl and flies back to BioSyn. Tim’s vision is fading because of the Dilo-juice and his sense of touch is going numb. He sees the residential mountain they are about to crash into in a few moments and feels the wind blow Nick Van Owen’s head out of his hands. Thinking quickly, he feels under his seat and pulls out a Parachute*
Tim: Grampa… hold this tight…
Hammond: *hugging the parachute* BUNNY!
Tim: 1… 2…
*Tim pulls the ripcord and the chute opens. Hammond is sucked out of the jet and floats away on the wind. Tim meanwhile braces himself and gets ready to accept his fate. Seconds later, the Minijet crashes into the mountanside with Tim still inside. Meanwhile, back over at Ian Malcolm’s house, our favorite chaotician opens the door and tiredly steps in*
Ian: Ah, Honey? I’m home. *Ian looks over at a glass of water on a shelf next to the door. He sees it ripple and feels the ground rumble* This is going to be bad.
*From every room in the house, animals of every size and shape flock over to their master. Sarah’s lion, elephant, parrots, hornbills, tree frogs, rats, gerbils, guinea pigs, cats, dogs, hippopotomus, octopus, meerkats, monkeys, apes, pythons, goldfish, rabbits, rhinoceros, pigs, giraffe, grizzly bears, penguins, jaguars, dolphin, great white shark, wallabies, iguanas, wombats, crocodile, lemurs, buffalo and sPiny anteater knock him over and cover him with licks and animal kisses. Sarah walks in*
Sarah: Welcome home.
Ian: No! Bad animals! Ah, get off of me! Hi honey. Bad! Why aren’t these, ah, animals in their cages for the night?
Sarah: *scratching her happy lion’s neck* They couldn’t sleep. They miss Kelly.
Ian: Well, ah, tell them not to worry. I’ve seen Lex’s place, and I don’t think even you’re, ah, Madagascar hissing cockroaches would wanna live there.
Cockroaches: *hiss hiss hiss*
Sarah: She’s just doing this because she wants more independence, you know. Once she see’s how hard it is without us, she’ll come back.
Lion: *sad growl*
Sarah: What’s the matter Numa? Don’t worry, you can have Kelly’s room until then. They grow up so fast.
Ian: Ah, yeah, I remember it seems like just yesterday when he killed his first Zebra.
Zebras: *make nervous zebra noises*
Sarah: I was talking about Kelly. Oh well. At least we still have our boys.
Ian: Yeah, where, ah, where are my 3 sons?
*Just then, Ian’s 3 black 17 year old sons, Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte Malcolm walk in*
Ian: Hey boys. How was that party?
Lee Harvey: Shyt was tight, pops! All these motherf*cking hoes was getting’ boxed…
Shonte: Yeah, them project bitches was givin’ head to all the ni@@az in the joint.
Jamaal: Best part is all them chickenheads think we own that Escalade we was bouncin’ in!
Sarah: Now boys, what have we told you about using Mr. Van Owen’s Escalade?
All 3: Never push the red button.
Ian: So, ah, how is Nick, anyway?
Shonte: Dunno. We dropped by to give it back, but the motherf*cker wan’t home.
Ian: Oh. He must still be, ah, photographing condemnatory footage at the BioSyn Corporation.
Jamaal: Yo where Kelly at? I gotta give her back this motherf*ckin’ gold chain she let me rock at the orgy—um, I mean party.
Sarah: She’s not home. She decided to move in with Lex Murphy.
Lee Harvey: Oh Snap! You mean that fine-ass blond motherf*cker with the big bubble titties!?
Sarah: Language…
Lee Harvey: Oh my fault. Were you referring to the exceedingly attractive young Aryan female with the large sPherical mammary glands?
Shonte: Sweet lord, I would enjoy nothing more than a prolonged session of intercourse with that young lady.
Jamaal: Or her brother. *Everyone, including the animals, stares at Jamaal* I mean, uh, so does this brother.
Ape: *covers eyes and shakes head*
*Not too far away at Lex and Kelly’s house, the two young ladies stand around in the bathroom wrapped in towels. Kelly watches Lex prod a hairpin around inside the knob of the bathroom door. She finally gets it open*
Kelly: Took you long enough.
Lex: Hey, genius can’t be rushed! Come on, let’s get to bed.
*Lex and Kelly get over to their single bed and the latter notices the broken window nearby*
Kelly: Uh oh. It looks like we’re gonna be real cold tonight.
Lex: Yup, you said it. I guess we’re gonna have to cuddle real tight to conserve body heat.
Kelly: I guess so. But, you know, we’re mature and stuff and… you know?
Lex: Yeah! I mean, it’s not like this makes us… you know?
Kelly: Oh yeah, no! Hell no!
*Kinky Porn music starts playing again. The Next Morning, over at Alan Grant’s house, our favorite paleontologist is wearing his plaid robe and filling his bowl with Fossil Flakes cereal. Billy knocks on the door*
Alan: It’s open!
Billy: *stepping in* Good Morning Alan. What ya got there?
Alan: My daily bowl of delicious Fossil Flakes Cereal!
Billy: Mmm, Fossil Flakes. With whole grain wheat thighbones, marshmallow footprints and chocolate coprolite!
Alan: They’re Fossilicious!
Cartoon dinosaur: And Fossil Flakes are a part of this complete breakfast!
Announcer: Now, within sPecially marked boxes of Fossil Flakes, you can get a free Raptor Claw!
Alan: Oh boy! I could sure use another one of those! *buries his hand into the box of cereal and slowly realizes that it’s empty* Hey! There’s nothing in here! *looks over at Billy* BILLY!
Billy: *stealing Alan’s Raptor claw and bowl of Fossil Flakes* Oh like you really need another one of these!
*Billy runs out the door and Alan chases him across some rolling hills while cartoony music plays*
Alan: Billy stop! Don’t Billy!
*Sure enough, Billy does stop. But not because of Alan’s screams. He stares at the burning wreckage of Nick Van Owen’s minijet. Grant pounds him on the head and takes back his cereal and Claw*
Alan: Silly Billy! Fossil Flakes are for Paleontologists! *notices the hulking remains of Nick’s minijet* Dear Lord! We have to go see if anybody’s trapped inside!
Billy: Let’s hope it’s a dead Billionaire.
*Alan and Billy walk around and see Tim Murphy lying unconscious on the ground. Alan rushes over to check for signs of life. To his and Billy’s surprise, the young millionaire is still breathing*
Alan: Wake up! Tim, wake up!
Tim: *cough* 3…
Alan: Ha ha. Big Tim, the Human piece of toast.
Billy: What are you doing here? And how did you survive?
Tim: Uh… I don’t know. The last thing I remember was… Oh my gosh, Grampa! GRAMPA!
Hammond: *hanging by his parachute from a tree branch* Yabba Dabba Doo!
Alan: He’s fine. So, how did your investigation of BioSyn go?
Billy: And where’s Nick?
Tim: Oh man. I remember, there was this terrible color changing dinosaur man flying on a robotic Pteranodactyl, a lot of Star Wars references, and he bit off Nick’s head. Nick Van Owen is dead.
Alan: Ok, see, now you’re beginning to sound like him. *implies Hammond*
Hammond: *pulls Nick’s head out of his shirt and throws it to Billy* Peekaboo!
Billy: *catches it* Alas, poor Nick. I knew him well, Alan.
Tim: Wait, that’s not all. I could have sworn that I got sPat on by some Dilophosaurs.
Alan: Ha ha ha, Tim, let me tell you. Surviving a plane crash like this is incredible enough. But if you got sPat on by a Dilophosaur, there’s no chance you’d be alive right now.
Billy: Yeah, that was probably just a dream you had while you were unconscious. It only feels real because you’re very disoriented right now. Say Ah.
Tim: Ahhh…
*Billy lights up Tim’s mouth with his laser eyeball*
Billy: Hmm. I’m no doctor, but you look like you’re gonna be okay.
Alan: Come on, Tim, let’s go over to my house for some breakfast. *He and Billy lift Tim by the arms and walk him home*
Tim: I am kind of hungry. What have you guys got?
Alan: Fossil Flakes cereal!
Tim: Oh boy! With whole grain wheat thighbones, marshmallow footprints and chocolate coprolite!
Billy: Guys. What about him?
Hammond: *forgotten and hanging from the tree* Coo-ooooooooooookie CrisP!
*Meanwhile, over at his house, Ian Malcolm hides under his bed eating his Chaos Crunch cereal and talking to one of Sarah's Rats*
Rat: *squeak squeak*
Ian: Well, ah, Mr. Rat, I’m hiding down here because this is the last box of my delicious Chaos Crunch Cereal. You see, ah, every delicious flake of this cereal is intricately formed so that no two flakes are ever exactly alike.
Rat: *squeak squeak*
Ian: You’re right. They probably will find us.
*Suddenly, Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte flip over Ian’s bed and find their father eating his Chaos Crunch while sPeaking to their mother’s pet rat*
Lee Harvey: Yo pops, we hungry man!
Jamaal: Yeah, we want some of that motherf*ckin’ Chaos Crunch too!
Ian: *starts running* Oh no you don’t! You kids are always after my Chaos Crunch cereal!
*The boys chase Ian all over the house. The animals start chasing him, too. Moments later they lose him*
Shonte: Stop playin’, pops! Where you at?
Jamaal: *asks the apes* Yo, you motherf*ckin’ Pan troglodytes see where our old man went?
*A large chimp points towards the garage*
Shonte: No doubt. Thanks!
*As his sons head for the garage, the big chimp pulls off his mask to reveal he is Ian Malcolm. He whips out his bowl and continues eating*
Ian: I gotta have my Chaos Crunch!
*Sarah walks in holding her phone expecting somebody to answer. Nobody does, so she hangs up*
Sarah: Honey, I just called Nick Van Owen for the third time this morning, and there’s been no answer.
Ian: What, are you, ah, worried?
Sarah: I don’t know, should I be?
Ian: Honey, Nick Van Owen can take care of himself. He probably met some, ah, beautiful BioSyn scientist last night, went over to her place, shut off his Cel phone and they’ve been knocking boots all morning.
Sarah: You really think so?
Ian: Honey, when have I, ah, ever been wrong? I mean, ever? You can’t cage Nick Van Owen, baby, he’s like a, ah, bird. He’s gotta be free.
Sarah: I guess you’re right. You wanna go to Amanda Kirby’s place and get see how she’s doing?
Ian: Ah, yeah, yeah, let me just get out of this oversized chimp costume and finish my cereal.
Sarah: Mmm, the last of the Chaos Crunch! *steals the bowl from her husband and runs off*
Ian: Kree-gah! Bundolo!
Numa the Lion: *Roars*
*Meanwhile, down in Hell, Nick Van Owen wanders aimlessly through valleys of fire and jagged landscape. He’s been roaming since he arrived in Hell last night until he finally reaches a Tavern called ‘Jurassic Bar’*
Nick: What the this place? *he steps inside and finds Donald Genarro, Ray Arnold, Robert Muldoon, The Bowman family, Eddie Carr, 20 nondescript Big Game hunters, Ajay Sidhue, Robert Burke, Dieter Stark, Peter Ludlow, Nash, Cooper and Udesky sitting around watching TV* Where am I?
Eddie: Hey, Nick Van Owen! Guys, look who it is!
Peter: Ah, Mr. Van Owen. How kind of you to join us. Pull up a seat, won’t you? We’re watching your friends on Earth.
*Nick looks at the TV and sees Ellie Degler watching TV with her son Charlie*
Barney the Dinosaur: Today we’re going to learn about how feeding wild bears honey will make them into your super dee duper friends! Hoo hoo! *just then, the reception goes out*
Ellie: God dammit to hell! Mark! Fix the Reception!
Charlie: God dammit to Hell!
Ellie: Charlie! You stop that this instant young man! Where do you pick up these terrible things? Mark! For the love of pickles, fix the reception!
Mark: *blandly from another room* I don’t know how.
Ellie: Stupid piece of crap, I’ll do it, myself!
Charlie: Piece of crap! Piece of crap!
*Ellie leaves to go outside to have a look at the fuse box and leaves Charlie on the couch. Once she steps out, Alan Grant climbs in through a window on the other side of the living room*
Alan: Hey, Charlie. How’s that Uber-bitch of a mother been treating you?
Charlie: Piece of crap! Uber-Bitch!
Alan: I know, son, I know. But one of these days, we’re gonna slit her throat, stick her in the trunk of my car and dump her body into the river.
*Outside, Ellie opens the fuse box to find that the TV wires have been cut*
Ellie: *angrily* Grant…
*She runs back inside and sees Alan holding Charlie in his arm while showing him a fossil*
Alan: Now, this was the tibia of a Protoavis, Charlie.
Ellie: Alan! *whips out a revolver* Put down my f*cking baby!
Charlie: F*cking baby! F*cking baby!
Ellie: So YOU’RE the one whose been teaching him all that foul language! I should have known!
Alan: *slowly putting down Charlie* Sorry, Charlie. Daddy’s got to go. *runs like hell into the kitchen while Ellie fires a couple of rounds*
Ellie: You stop saying that! You are not that boy’s father! Mark is! Mark! You’re never around when I need you! Mark! Stop him!
Mark: *points a finger at Grant* Stop, you.
*Alan knocks Mark out of the way and rushes out the back door. Ellie fires a few more shots, but by the time she reaches the door, Alan jumps into Billy’s Vette where they, Tim and Hammond drive off*
Ellie: Oh no you don’t. Not today. Mark! Watch Charlie! I have some business to take care of…
Mark: Yes, Ellie.
*Grant and the gang are sPeeding down the freeway, him in the passenger seat, Tim behind him, Hammond next to Tim and Billy driving. Tim asks him a question*
Tim: So, Charlie is you’re and Ellie’s baby? Then why won’t she let you see him?
Alan: Well, you see, Tim. Ellie and I broke up about three and a half years ago. Me, because I was paying less attention to her then to my fossils, and her because she met this this bland whipped guy called Mark.
Billy: Who she’s married to right now.
Alan: And one day, she said…
*Alan has a flashback sequence where he and Ellie are in a gorgeous meadow at sunset. Ellie’s hair is covered in flowers and her white silk dress is flowing in the wind. Alan has Fabio’s hair and body. His open shirt reveals his massive chest and chiseled abs*
Ellie: Oh, Alan. When will you stop fiddling with those silly relics of yours, and start a real life? A real life with me? A real love.
Alan: Baby, I do have a real love. Her name is Paleontology. I’m sorry I can’t be the man you want, but you have to understand that a man like me can’t be tied down. No, my destiny is in those rocks. It’s in those relics. And if you can’t realize that, then we just weren’t meant to be. The man you need is that hopelessly banal pussy, Mark Degler.
*The flashback ends, and present day Alan finishes his story.
Alan: So that night we had some break up sex and the next morning when she woke up, I wasn’t there. I guess she went to Mark for comfort sex after that, as it would have coincided with Charlie’s conception date. The slut.
Billy: Yeah, Alan? Do you wanna tell him what really happened?
Alan: She got us drunk and we had a nasty 3-way. Ok? We broke up, and she moved down to San Diego to start a family. I moved down here a year later, because my new house is located on one of the richest fossil beds in the world.
Billy: And…?
Alan: And to sPy on Charlie.
Billy: I’m Alan’s neighbor, and a pretty big fan of his work. In fact, I’m the one who called him in Montana and told him about this place.
Tim: Wow. That was sick and touching at the same---
*Tim’s comment is interrupted by the sound of a gunshot. But instead of happening in the blink of an eye as these things usually do, everything seems to slow down around him. Tim’s sense of perception sPeeds up to the degree where reality becomes slow motion. He turns his head back to see a bullet closing in on them. It’s headed for the back of Grant’s head. Tim’s adrenaline rushes, and just as the bullet flies past him, his arm pushes Grant down further into his seat. By now, Alan’s mind has processed the sound of the gunshot as a possibility of danger. And just as he looks back, the bullet flies into and out of his hat. The sPeed of Tim’s perception resumes normality. They all look back to see Ellie chasing them maniacally in her own car*
Hammond: Wokka Wokka doo doo!
Alan: My hat! That bitch ruined my hat!
Ellie: I was aiming for your brain!
*Ellie gets off 2 more shots, but the guys duck and she misses*
Billy: Aw, man, she’s got us now!
Alan: Maybe not, Billy. I’ve got an idea. Hammond! Do you still have that parachute we wrapped up?
Hammond: *pulls the backpack out of his ass* Shhhhh. It’s taking a nap inside.
Alan: Sorry, John. It’s about to get a rude awakening. Billy! Slow down and get us next to Ellie.
Billy: Alan, I can’t in good conscience---!
Alan: Damn it, man! Just do it!
Tim: Dr. Grant, what are you planning?
Alan: You’ll see.
*Billy obeys his friend’s command and a moment later, Alan Grant and Ellie Degler are at neck and neck distance to each other. Ellie aims her gun at him*
Ellie: Any last words, you sick freak?
Alan: Yeah. Merry Christmas!
*Alan shoves the backpack into Ellie’s arms, knocking the gun out of her hand*
Ellie: What is this!?
Alan: It’s your present, bitch!
*Grant pulls the ripcord and the parachute flies out of the pack, pulling the screaming Ellie Degler out of her automobile and sending her flying off into the distance*
Ellie: DAMN YOU ALAN GRAAAAAAAAaaaaaaannnnnntttt…
Announcer: This episode of Jurassic Krap: the series is brought to you by… This year’s Annual Oscar awards. Being attended by every Celebrity in America! Held this year at the BioSyn Theater, which is conveniently located right next to BioSyn HQ! BioSyn: Totally not supporting the Taliban!
*Nick Van Owen watches along with all the Jurassic Krap non-survivors*
Nick: Why would BioSyn be holding the 2002 Oscars?
Eddie Carr: I dunno. Maybe they wanna kill off every celebrity in America.
Nick: Oh my God. They wouldn’t. They would! Eddie, BioSyn is… hey wait a sec. Eddie Carr? What are you doing in Hell? What are any of you guys in for?
Eddie: I sold a couple of vehicles that I knew were death traps.
Donald: I helped a convicted child molester go free.
Ray: I’m Roman Catholic and I wore a condom while having sex with a woman I wasn’t married to.
Muldoon: I stole a Candy bar from a Grocery store.
Ajay: I shot a tiger.
Dieter: I had a inappropriate relationship vith mein dog.
20 nondescript big game hunters: US TOO!
Ludlow: I was just a greedy little bastard who destroyed all their lives.
Nash: I bit off my wife’s nose, sucka!
Paul Bowman: We 3 had inappropriate relations with our dog, too.
Cooper: I burned some crosses back in my day.
Udesky: Dog-f*cking.
Nick: Wow. You people are freaks. Hey, is there anyway out of Hell?
*Everybody laughs*
Eddie: Well, there is one way…
*Back on Earth, Alan, Billy, Tim and Hammond pull up to Styracosaurus Ugly which is being closed down for renovations. They step inside to see Amanda Kirby and Roland Tembo sweeping up broken bits of wood and debris*
Alan: By the way, Tim, I never got as chance to thank you for saving my life. If it hadn’t been for your quick reflexes, I would’ve had a hole in my head.
Tim: Oh, don’t mention it. I didn’t even know I could move that fast.
Billy: Hey, Mrs. Kirby. How’s the clean up going?
Amanda: It’s a disaster! I don’t even know where to start with the bodies. Or the broken sPacecraft.
Roland: I still say they make nice decorations.
Tim: Yeah, it gives the place something of a Goth/Sci-fi look
Amanda: Look, no offense, guys, but that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. God, what was I even thinking when I opened up this place? That I could start a successful business? Geez, I mean all my adult life, I’ve been nothing more than a housewife and homemaker. I don’t even know the first thing about owning a business.
Hammond: Don’t worry, Cap’n Crunch, all it is is a delay. All major theme parks have delays. When I opened up Jurassic Krap in ’93, nothing worked!
*Ian and Sarah Malcolm walk in*
Ian: Yeah, yeah but John, when the velociraptors broke out of their pens, they didn’t eat the, ah, tourists. Oh, no, wait a second. Yes they did.
Sarah: Hey guys. Has Nick Van Owen stopped by?
Roland: I’m afraid I haven’t seen that bloody environmentalist here since last night.
Tim: Uh, everybody. I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. Nick Van Owen died last night at the hands of some invisible BioSyn mutant called the Crimson Carnoratosaur.
Ian: Uh oh. It looks insanity is genetic in the Hammond family tree. *Sarah elbows him in the stomach* Ow! I mean, uh, nevermind.
Alan: Look, Tim, you’ve gotten some pretty bad bumps from that plane crash last night. There’s no telling if your memories are even valid. I mean, come on. Getting sPat on by radioactive Dilophosaurs?
Amanda: *ignoring everyone else* I’m sorry, I’m going to my office. I need some time to myself.
*Just then, from under the wreckage of the sPaceship, the surviving Bar Fly climbs out of the broken floorboards*
Bar Fly: Ohhhhh, man, do I feel like crap! You guys know something? I had an epiphany last night, and then I got crushed by a sPaceship. And you know what? I’m still alive! After all that, I still live! Now I’m positive that I was meant for something more than my existential life!
Tim: Ahh… Ahh… Ah-Choo! *As Tim sneezes, a slimy black acidic substance shoots out of his mouth and burns right through the Bar fly’s upper body half. Everybody just stares at Tim freaked out*
Ian: Ah, God bless you?
Billy: Whoa, dude! What the Hell was that?
Tim: I don’t… know. I just don’t know!
*Tim runs out of the bar, terrified of what just happened just as Lex and Kelly walk in*
Lex: What’s bugging him?
Kelly: I dunno, he’s your brother.
Ian: Ah, hey girls. How was your first night together?
Lex: WE’RE NOT LESBIANS, OK!?
Kelly: JUST DROP IT!!!
*Lex and Kelly angrily walk over into Amanda’s office*
Ian: Well, I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I’d sure like to forget everything that just happened.
Roland: Aye. Let’s all get piss drunk.
Alan: I’m in.
Billy: Break out the Tequila.
Sarah: Why not?
*Back outside, Tim runs into an alleyway to rewind and think about what’s happening to him. He calms down and talks to himself*
Tim: Okay, just chill out for a second, Tim. Think. What happened back there? How the hell did I shoot deadly acid out of my mouth like a… a… *Tim flashes back to the Dilophosaurus instant last night* … a Dilophosaurus? Wait a second, wait just a second. That radioactive dilo-juice couldn’t have… could it? *Tim is interrupted by a creepy laugh echoing through the alley* Who said that? Whose there!?
*A velociraptor in a black leotard drops down from the roofs overhead and lands right in front of Tim*
Velocissassin: So you’re Tim Murphy?
Tim: Wha-what’s this about? Who are you?
Velocissassin: I am Velocissassin. You’re friend Velocirapper was a tad peeved that he couldn’t finish you off last night, so he hired me to do it for him. Now don’t squirm and this might not hurt.
*The raptor lunges at Tim’s head in an attempt to bite it off, but while he is in mid-air, Tim’s acelerated reaction sPeed comes into play as it did back in the car, and everything slows down. The young man bends backwards "a la Matrix" and Velocissassin slowly flies over him and crashes into trash cans. Tim’s perception sPeed resumes to normal*
Velocissassin: *getting up from the garbage* You should have just stayed put. Now I am going to make this painful.
*The angry raptor takes another lunge at Tim, this time at his waist. And while a part of Tim is scared as Hell, he instinctively jumps high into the air over Velocissassin and sPits down fast freeze drying saliva at his attacker. When the raptor lands back on the ground, his body is encased in what appears to be black concrete. Overhead, the strange boy transforms into something inhuman. Tim feels his skin is being covered by thick, green, pebbly scales all over his body except for the lower part of his face. His fingers and toes end in claws, two bony crests grow out of his head, his muscles become stronger and senses and reflexes are sharpened far beyond what is deemed normal*
Tim: Holy fruits! *Still up in the air, Tim grabs onto a clothesline. It rips on one end and our newly mutated hero swings down towards the black raptor statue to deliver a powerful kick. He shatters the black casing, freeing Velocissassin*
Velocissassin: What are you, freak!?
Tim: *dropping to the ground* From the looks of it, I’m an amateur fighter who’s wiping the floor with your ass.
*This is the last straw. Velocissassin leaps high up into the air, and comes back down with his sickle foot claw ready to pierce Tim’s skull. But our hero opens his mouth and sPrays the deadly acid with which he finished the bar fly. Only a few of the raptors skeletal remains hit the ground. Tim stands in awe of his victory, and slowly he regains his human features*
Tim: That… was too frickin’ sweet! *A fleshy Frill pops out around his neck*
*Back at BioSyn HQ, Wilton Fist and the Lewis Dodgson a.k.a. the Crimson Carnoratosaur walk over to Wu’s lab to see how his work is progressing. When they open the doors, they see a dozen scientists at the controls of various machines connected to 300 large test tubes. Each one holding a fully grown Tricycloplotz inside. Dr. Wu walks over to them*
Wilton: Well, Wu, how goes project G.E.D.I.?
Crimson: Project G.E.D.I.?
Wu: Genetically Engineered Dinosaur Infantry. And, well, everything’s going according to plan. By tonight, you guys will have your very own army of man-eating tricycloplotzes to crash the Oscars. I’ve also taken the liberty of cloning a mutant sPykosaurus and brachiosaurus. *Wu points to 2 large tanks where the dinosaurs are being grown in water* Unfortunately, the brachiosaurus seems to be giving off too much radiation. Just like the dilophosaurs were.
Wilton: Were?
Wu: Yes. They exploded last night. Luckily they were placed into a reenforced tank. If I hadn’t caught on to that possibility, they might have blown up this entire building. So it looks like I’m gonna have to pull the plug on this Sauropod as well. Otherwise, it could destroy the entire continent.
Wilton: The entire continent you say? *Without warning, red alarm lights and sirens begin wailing. The sPykosaurus begins flailing around in it’s tank* What is this!? What is going on here!?
Wu: The sPykosaurus! Somebody shut off it’s resPirator system, it’s waking up!
Crimson: *pinning Wu to the side of a large computer* Who!? Who shut off it’s resPirator!?
Wu: I don’t know! It’s YOUR job to find saboteurs!
Crimson: Grrrrrr! *throw’s Wu away to a side. The sPykosaurus breaks out of it’s tank. An amalgam between sPinosaurus and Godzilla ’98, this genetically enhanced sPykosaurus is easily twice the size of the one Grant, Billy and the Kirby’s encountered on Isla Sorna not too long ago. Crimson takes a moment and sniffs the air. He senses a familiar sPoor*
Wilton: No, no, no! This is terrible! Dodgson! Who could have done such a thing?
Crimson: *realizes that he does recognize the scent of the saboteur* No. It couldn’t be…
2 B Continued…
Last time as you may recall_
Crimson: Ah, the rich boy! What do you get for the kid who has everything? I Know! *The Crimson Carnoratosaurus hocks something up into his throat, and sPits out Nick Van Owen's head into Tim's hands. By now, the plane is losing altitude fast and about to crash* Well, sorry I can't talk to you guys any longer! But I've got a civilization to destroy! So long!
*Tim pulls the ripcord and the chute opens. Hammond is sucked out of the jet and floats away on the wind. Tim meanwhile braces himself and gets ready to accept his fate. Seconds later, the Minijet crashes into the mountanside with Tim still inside*
Ian: Well, ah, tell them not to worry. I've seen Lex's place, and I don't think even you're, ah, Madagascar hissing cockroaches would wanna live there.
Kelly: Uh oh. It looks like we're gonna be real cold tonight.
Lex: Yup, you said it. I guess we're gonna have to cuddle real tight to conserve body heat.
Billy: Mmm, Fossil Flakes. With whole grain wheat thighbones, marshmallow footprints and chocolate coprolite!
Alan: Silly Billy! Fossil Flakes are for Paleontologists!
Tim: Wait, that's not all. I could have sworn that I got sPat on by some Dilophosaurs.
Ian: Honey, Nick Van Owen can take care of himself. He probably met some, ah, beautiful BioSyn scientist last night, went over to her place, shut off his Cel phone and they've been knocking boots all morning.
*Meanwhile, down in Hell, Nick Van Owen wanders aimlessly through valleys of fire and jagged landscape. He's been roaming since he arrived in Hell last night until he finally reaches a Tavern called `Jurassic Bar'*
Peter: Ah, Mr. Van Owen. How kind of you to join us. Pull up a seat, won't you? We're watching your friends on Earth.
Alan: I know, son, I know. But one of these days, we're gonna slit her throat, stick her in the trunk of my car and dump her body into the river.
*Alan shoves the backpack into Ellie's arms, knocking the gun out of her hand*
Ellie: What is this!?
Alan: It's your present, bitch!
*Grant pulls the ripcord and the parachute flies out of the pack, pulling the screaming Ellie Degler out of her automobile and sending her flying off into the distance*
Ellie: DAMN YOU ALAN GRAAAAAAAAaaaaaaannnnnntttt_
Tim: Ahh… Ahh… Ah-Choo! *As Tim sneezes, a slimy black acidic substance shoots out of his mouth and burns right through the Bar fly's upper body half. Everybody just stares at Tim freaked out*
*The angry raptor takes another lunge at Tim, this time at his waist. And while a part of Tim is scared as Hell, he instinctively jumps high into the air over Velocissassin and sPits down fast freeze drying saliva at his attacker. When the raptor lands back on the ground, his body is encased in what appears to be black concrete. Overhead, the strange boy transforms into something inhuman. Tim feels his skin is being covered by thick, green, pebbly scales all over his body except for the lower part of his face. His fingers and toes end in claws, two bony crests grow out of his head, his muscles become stronger and senses and reflexes are sharpened far beyond what is deemed normal*
Tim: That… was too frickin' sweet! *A fleshy Frill pops out around his neck*
Crimson: Project G.E.D.I.?
Wu: Genetically Engineered Dinosaur Infantry. And, well, everything's going according to plan. By tonight, you guys will have your very own army of man-eating tricycloplotzes to crash the Oscars. I've also taken the liberty of cloning a mutant sPykosaurus and brachiosaurus. *Wu points to 2 large tanks where the dinosaurs are being grown in water* Unfortunately, the brachiosaurus seems to be giving off too much radiation. Just like the dilophosaurs were.
Crimson: Grrrrrr! *throw's Wu away to a side. The sPykosaurus breaks out of it's tank. An amalgam between sPinosaurus and Godzilla '98, this genetically enhanced sPykosaurus is easily twice the size of the one Grant, Billy and the Kirby's encountered on Isla Sorna not too long ago. Crimson takes a moment and sniffs the air. He senses a familiar sPoor*
Wilton: No, no, no! This is terrible! Dodgson! Who could have done such a thing?
Crimson: *realizes that he does recognize the scent of the saboteur* No. It couldn't be…
___________________________________________
BioSyn laboratories is in a state of chaos. The deadly sPykosaurus has come to life and broken out of his tank. Wilton Fist, Dr. Wu and the Crimson Carno can only watch as the enormous carnivore thrashes angrily in the lab.
Wilton: Dodgson! Do something! Stop it!
Crimson: OK! THAT DOES IT! 2 Things! First of all, it isn't Lewis Dodgson anymore, okay? It's Crimson Carnoratosaur! The Crimson Carnoratosaur! Got it? Secondly, that thing is like a hundred times my size!
*Meanwhile, the sPykosaurus is going on a rampage, killing all the background scientists*
Wu: *walking back over* Oh, uh, by the way, while we're on this topic, Carnoratosaurus is the outdated version of that sPecies' name.
Crimson: What!?
Wu: Uh, yeah, it's actually Ceratotaurus now.
Wilton: Wu! This really isn't the time!
*The sPykosaurus in the background bites down on Wilton Fist and tries to eat him. The big boss is too big to swallow though, and the sPykosaurus chokes*
Wu: It's like, uh, Brontosaurus, you know? We don't call it Brontosaurus anymore. We call it Apatosaurus.
Crimson: Why?
Wu: Because when it was first discovered, it was called Ceratotaurus. Then, a later paleontologist dug up the same dinosaur thinking it was new, so he had it named Carnoratosaurus. *The choking sPyko finally sPits BioSyn's CEO out of his mouth and he flies across the lab* It was soon discovered that they were the same creature, and then it's name officially became Ceratotaurus because that's what it was first called. And because it was shorter.
*sPykosaurus get's bored by Wu's explanation, so it breaks through the wall and escapes from the lab*
Crimson: Now hold on a second. Are you telling me that I'm going to have to change my name to the Crimson Ceratotaur?
Wu: Uh, I dunno. Yeah, probably.
Crimson: But that is so lame! See, Crimson Carnoratosaur sounded cool because it had 2 "Ck" sounds. Crimson Ceratotaur? Come on!
Wu: Well it's shorter, anyway. But, you know, it's your name. You don't have to change it if you don't want to.
Crimson: Good. Because I won't, you know?
Wu: You know what? Why don't you just call yourself the Crimson Carno?
Crimson: What? Well, yeah, actually that could work I guess.
*The two look around and see the lab in shambles with dead scientists sPlattered all over the computers. Wilton Fist's legs are flailing around sticking out of the wreckage of some busted machine. On top of that, there's a huge hole in the wall from which a monstrous dinosaur escaped into the outside world*
Wu: Well, at least none of the Tricycloplotzes were destroyed. Or that Brachiosaur.
Crimson: Scientist, that doesn't really matter anymore. We just let a gigantic, crazy dinosaur loose on the streets of southern California. BioSyn is completely screwed.
Wilton: *working his way out of the wreckage* Perhaps not, Lewis…
Crimson: CRIMSON! CRIMSON CARNO, ALRIGHT!?
Wilton: Oh, for Heaven's sake! Perhaps not, "CRIMSON". I may have an idea. Do you know how Stan Winston looks?
*Meanwhile, down at the US/Mexico border, Pablo and Ricardo Kirbyez (AKA, Paul and Eric Kirby) are trying to pass themselves off as Mexicans to escape from US law*
Pablo: Hola, senor Border Patrol! Me llamo es Pablo Kirbyez y el es mi nino, Ricardo Kirbyez!
Officer: Senor, I AM fluent in English.
Ricardo: Yeah, come on, dad, this is stupid.
Pablo: Silencio! El habla ingles, pero no mi habla ingles.
Officer: Yeah, look, I don't have time for this. Just show me your passPorts.
Pablo: Ricardo?
Ricardo: The Hell are you looking at me for? I didn't bring any passPorts.
Pablo: *to the officer* Uno problemo. Nosotros no tengo los passPorts, caballiero.
Officer: Then I can't allow you to cross this border. Go home, senor.
Pablo: Pero, mi casa es en Mexico! *slips the border patrol officer a $20* Eh? Eh?
Officer: Senor, are you trying to bribe me?
Pablo: No! No, es no bribe. Es tip! *winks;)* You see, senor, I know how poor we Mexicans are, so I thought you could use this, you know?
Ricardo: *smacks forehead* Dad, you don't sPeak English remember?
Pablo: Oh, heh heh, si. Of course. That's the only phrase I can sPeak in English!
Officer: Si, that one and "Of course. That's the only phrase I can sPeak in English!"
Pablo: Si! That too! And "That too". Mi hablo "That too."
*Moments later, Pablo and Ricardo Kirbyez find themselves in a dirty Mexican holding cell surrounded by surly looking inmates*
Ricardo: Anymore, brilliant ideas, Padre?
Pablo: Just one. Clench your butt cheeks really tight
Ricardo: Why? AAAGH! *Ricardo is pulled away by a large horny inmate*
Pablo: Play dead, boy! He'll lose interest! Oh, man, this blows. *Ricardo squeals like a piggy in the background* I bet Amanda's doing just peachy right now.
*Meanwhile, over in Amanda Kirby's office*
Lex: What do you mean you're shutting down Styracosaurus Ugly!?
Kelly: Mrs. Kirby, I thought this place was your dream.
Amanda: Yeah, I must have been dreaming. I never even finished college. Damn Paul and Eric. I can't run a business. EsPecially after what happened last night.
Lex: But that doesn't mean you should give up. So a couple of people were mercilessly slaughtered by velociraptors in a sPaceship.
Lex: Yeah, that could have happened to anyone. Look, before my grandpa went crazy, he had a profound saying that always helped me get through times when the universe seemed to turn it's back on me; Hakuna Matata.
Kelly: Yeah, my dad understands fate better than anybody I know, and he also bestowed 2 words of wisdom on me that made me realize that these things shouldn't get me down.
Amanda: *packing up her stuff* And those are?
Lex: Shit happens.
Amanda: Well it certainly hit the fan last night. Look, I know you girls are just trying to help me out, but for the first time in weeks, I realize just how stupid I've been. I'm going home to pack up my stuff.
Kelly: Why?
Amanda: *stepping out of her office* I'm moving back to Ohio.
*Amanda and the two girls look into the bar to see how drunk everybody's gotten in the past 10 minutes. Alan, Hammond, Ian, Roland and Billy chant as Sarah chugs down a 40*
Guys: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Sarah: *finishing* I am the queen of the jungle! Whoooooo!
Guys: *Cheer* Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!
Amanda: Oh my God! Dr. Grant, even you?
Alan: Damn, Mrs. Kirby, have I ever told you how fine you is? I wanna lick, lick, lick, lick you from your head to your toes!
Amanda: And I thought you were the resPonsible one. You see what I'm talking about, girls? I'm just not fit to run a bar. Hell, it's only noon, and these people are too wasted to even get home.
Sarah: No, I'm cool, I could hail a subway with these babies! *flashing everyone*
Kelly: Agh! Sarah, please put those away!
Ian: Billy! Get the camera!
Billy: Already got it, Malcter Doctolm! *Billy's laser eyeball transforms into a video camera* I had Vick Nan Owen install this!
Lex: Look, Mrs. Kirby, don't blame yourself for this…
Amanda: Well, I'd blame Paul, but he's not here right now. *sigh* Might as well do something resPonsible at least. *Get's on the bar counter and whistles* Everybody listen up! You're all piss drunk, and I'm gonna have to drive you all home! Okay? Roland, I'm gonna need your Hummer. Now I don't know where some of you live, so…
Drunk people: SHOW US YOUR BOOBS! SHOW US YOUR BOOBS!
Amanda: God, I don't know if you can hear me, but please send me some help before I put a gun to my head.
*Roland throws his rifle at Amanda's head and knocks her off the counter. Meanwhile, not too far away, a car made entirely out of buzz saws is terrorizing the streets of San Diego. Driving it, were the 3 sinister senior citizens, The Granny Gang! Ethyl, Estelle and Edna are a trio of old women with a taste for total destruction!*
Ethyl: Yeee-Haw! Let’s show these Californians what happens when they turn down the apples and pennies we give them every Halloween!
Edna: And when they screw around with our social security!
Estelle: Praise the lord!
*Black slime suddenly engulfs the buzz saw tires and hardens in seconds. The clueless old women wonder what happened*
Estelle: Ethyl, did you drive us into the La Brea tar pits again!?
Ethyl: I never did that a first time! That was Edna!
Edna: This isn’t the La Brea tar pits!
Tim: *dropping down on the hood of the car, in his reptillian form, scaring the women* Maybe not, but it traps old fossils like you just as well.
Estelle: What in Sam Hill!?
Edna: Ethyl! Fire the Buzz Saw surprises!
Ethyl: Fine, but they ain’t gonna be surprises anymore!
*Ethyl pushes a button and two buzz saws fly out of the headlights. sPitter-Man sees them flying forward but then turn around and come back at him. He leaps up into the air, turns upside down and blows out flammable gas bubbles at the hood. When the buzz saws return, they collide, the sParks ignite and a terrible explosion occurs. When the smoke clears, the granny gang sits in shock, surrounded by scrap metal*
Tim: *landing in front of them* You know, most old ladies your age just drive Lincoln Town Cars. *sPrays adhesive sPit on the trio, rendering them trapped* Or better yet, just start taking the bus.
*A small crowd of pedestrians gathers around the scene*
Pedestrian: Wow, dude! That was Amazing!
Other pedestrian: Yeah, you really showed those old ladies!
Yet another pedestrian: What do you call yourself, mister?
Tim: Who am I? You sure you wanna know? I'm sPitter-Man!
*With amazing sPeed and agility, sPitter-Man leaps up out of the junk pile, swings around a lamp post and disappears over the roofs of nearby buildings*
Teenage Girl: I wanna have his baby!
*What happens next is a montage of scenes disPlaying sPitter-Man foiling a bank robbery, stopping a school bus from falling off of a skyway and beating up some schoolyard bully as his theme song plays*
Cover Band: sPitter-Man! sPitter-Man!
Dilophosaurus sapien!
6 feet tall, green like Shrek!
Got a frill growin' `round his neck!
Look out! Here comes the sPitter-Man!
Is he tough? He's a survivor!
He's got multipurpose saliva!
Tracks down theives by their sPoors!
Captures them just like Hadrosaurs!
Hell yeah! There goes the sPitter-Man!
At the scene of the crime,
At the right time and place,
He'll sPew toxic slime
Into the bad guy's face!
sPitter-Man! sPitter-Man!
Don't make him kick your ass again!
Cash rewards ain't his thang,
As long as he gets poontang!
To him, crime fighting is his duty!
Next to sampling booty!
That's our sPitter-Man!
*By now, you're probably wondering whatever happened to that gigantic sPykosaurus that escaped from BioSyn labs. Well, I'm getting to that. Driving down the street in Roland Tembo's Hummer, Amanda Kirby had to make a quick stop before taking the drunken gang home*
Lex: Where are we going, Mrs. Kirby?
Amanda: We're gonna make a quick stop at my place first. It's only 5 minutes away.
Roland: SHOW us your BOOBS!
*Sarah flashes everybody again*
Ian: Wooohooo! *throws up*
Kelly: Da-aad!
Amanda: I have to reserve a flight back to Ohio.
Lex: So, wait, you're really serious about moving back, then?
Amanda: It's like I said. There's nothing out here for me…
*In the back, Alan lays his head down and looks tiredly out the rear window. Billy turns over to him*
Billy: Hey.
Alan: *blandly* What's crack-a-lackin'?
Billy: Hey. I love you man.
Alan: Forget it, Billy. I'm not gonna let you wear my hat.
Billy: F*ck you, then.
Alan: Billy, how many tequila shots did I eat?
Billy: Eleventy. Why?
Alan: Cuz there's a gigantic sPykosaurus chasing us.
Hammond: I love you, too.
Ian: *throws up on Hammond* Hey. There IS a gigantic, ah, sPykosaurus chasing us.
Amanda: What?
Everybody in the car: THERE'S A GIGANTIC SpYKOSAURUS CHASING US!
*Amanda looks into the rear view mirror. Sure enough, gigantic scaly legs seem to walk right up to the sPeeding Hummer. Outside the window to their right, they see the gigantic, powerful jaws snatch up a Corvette pulling up ahead of them*
Hammond: Can I have a bacon Pie?
Kelly: Oh SHYT!
Alan: I’m sorry. Alright! Everybody! If you look OUTside to your LEFT side of your right side, you will see a generically en-pantsed sPookysaurus---
Amanda: Dr. Grant! This isn't the time for a lecture!
Ian: Ah, no, it's TIME FOR NOOGIES!!!
*Ian puts his arm around Amanda's neck from behind and rubs his fist into her hair. Everybody in the car cheers with delight as Amanda loses control and swerves left and right. All except for Amanda, Kelly and Lex, who were sober and screaming. The Hummer sPins around on the street until Amanda finally hits the brakes and stops it. She and the girls sigh in relief for a second, but it is short lived because right outside of the windshield they see sPykosaurus' massive foot about to crush their vehicle*
Billy: Again! Again!
*The screams of the girls are muffled out by the sPykosaur's foot crashing down on the Hummer. A moment later, the massive dinosaur roars in agony. He rips a telephone pole out of the ground and pries out the Hummer, which to everybody's surprise, isn't even scratched*
Amanda: Wow. These things ARE tough!
Roland: That's right, love! I pump the engine full of sPirits every morning!
Sarah: *pulls something out from under her seat* Hey. A flashlight. Neat. *She accidentally turns it on*
*sPyko holds the Hummer in his clawed hand and investigates it closely. The people inside watch it watch them. Sarah shines the flashlight into it's eyes*
Lex: Turn the light off. Turn the light off!
Sarah: Hey, you wanna see my nostrils shine? *sticks the flashlight into her mouth*
Billy: No, we wanna see your boobs again!
Alan: Nobody move a muscle! It's hearing is based on smell!
Amanda: EVERYBODY, SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
Ian: Oh great, ah, Amanda, you just got it's attention.
*sPykosaurus looks like he just figured out that the people inside were edible as well as really stupid. He smashes his pointer claw through Amanda's window. The terrified woman unbuckles her seatbelt and gets out of her seat as sPyko's claw rips open the door*
Roland: That was weak, Hummer! I'm very disappointed in you!
*Amanda tries to get behind her seat, but the dinosaur vigorously shakes the vehicle in his grasp. He lifts the hummer over his wide, open jaws and waits for somebody to fall out. Amanda tumbles back into her seat and grabs Kelly's arm just before she falls out. Everybody else watches in stupor, except for Lex who's stuck in the back seat of the now sideways Hummer. She sees Kelly hold onto Amanda, who dangles over the mouth of the deadly giant*
Roland: See, this is why it's always important to wear your seatbelts.
Hammond: Worm-ball fight!
*Hammond pulls a ball of worms out of his dress and throws them at Kelly, who loses her grip and drops Amanda*
Amanda: Somebody save meeeeee!!!
*As Amanda plummets to her doom, everything slows down and her life flashes before her eyes. In a moment, she remembers being 4 years old at her mother's strip club*
Mom: And some day, honey, if you study hard, go to college, and ruin everything by taking some heavy drugs, you can be an exotic dancer! Just like mommy!
*Amanda flashes back to the present*
Amanda: (thinking) I never did go to college…
*She flashes back to 5th grade, where a 10 year-old boy with a mustache is smitten with her*
Paulie Kirby: Oh, Mandy. Would you ever consider becoming Mrs. Amanda Kirby someday?
Mandy: Eww! I'd rather be Mrs. Amanda Nedry!
Dennis: *walks over looking like Eric Cartman* Huh, yeah that's right. Hey! Woman! Get over `Hyah' and resPect my authoritah!
Mandy: I wasn't being serious, you big fat sack of human excrement!
Dennis: Okay! That does it! Screw you guys, I'm-a goin' home!
*Flashes back to present*
Amanda: (thinking) I STILL can't believe what that led to…
*Amanda flashes back to her marriage to Dennis Nedry at age 19*
Reverend: Do you Dennis Nedry, take Amanda to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Dennis: I do with all the blotted arteries in my heart!
Reverend: And do you, Amanda Huggankiss, take Dennis Nedry to be your lawfully wedded---
Dennis: Your last name is Huggankiss!?
Amanda: you wanna keep that on the down low? i've been keeping that a secret my whole life!
Dennis: Oh my! Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha! Oh my, oh my_*falls on the floor laughing until a loud fart echoes through the chruch* Oh my God, that has got to be the stupidest name I've ever heard! Amanda Huggankiss! Ha ha! It's like, it's like "A Man to Hug and Kiss"! Geez Louise that's stupid! I can't believe I almost married you!
Amanda: Wait… Almost!?
Dennis: Yeah, sorry babe. The wedding's off. Look, it's not you or anything---well, no actually it is, it's your name. See, frankly, I'm just too good looking to marry a woman with such a stupid last name. Huggankiss, heh heh, oh good God.
Amanda: What are you talking about!? You won't even have to live with it! I'm changing my last name to Nedry! I don't want to be Amanda Huggankiss anymore!
Dennis: *leaving* Huh, well you sure as hell ain't gonna be Amanda Nedry! See ya!
Amanda: *drops to her knees and pounds on the floor* But I don't want to be Amanda Huggankiss anymore! I don't want to be Amanda Huggankiss anymore!
*Suddenly, Paul Kirby slides over to Amanda wearing a tuxedo T-shirt*
Paul: So. You, uh, still sure you don't wanna be Amanda Kirby?
*Amanda stops crying. She looks at Paul and then the Reverend*
Amanda: Oh well. Better an idiot than a fat slob, I guess. Hey father, who told you to stop!?
*Flashes back to the present again*
Amanda: (thinks) Maybe that was a bad reason to marry somebody, but I sure as hell ain't goin' back to Huggankiss. Of course, I really can't say that that wedding was the worst thing that ever happened to me…
*Flashes back to the hosPital at age 20, where she gives birth*
Paul: *holding a catcher's mitt* Push, honey, push!
Amanda: *casually reading a magazine* Alright, alright, I'm pushing already. Sheesh, I don't know what all those women complain about when they're giving birth. This isn't very painful at all, it's just like taking a dump.
Male Doctor: Wait, it's really not that excrutiating?
Amanda: Nah, I guess it's just some big woman consPiracy developed by feminists back in ancient times so that we could have something painful to complain about that men couldn't possibly comprehend.
Doctor: Oh, I see. And you all use that against men so that you could guilt trip us by saying things like, "You don't know what real pain is, you never gave birth to anything!"
Amanda: I suppose so. Oh! Wait! I feel something!
*Amanda pops the baby out of her stomach and Paul catches it in his glove*
Paul: It's a boy!
Doctor: No, Mr. Kirby, that's the Umbrellacal cord.
Paul: It's a girl!
Amanda: Oh, let's name her Erica, after my fat neighbor!
Doctor: Whoa, hold on there a sec. *pulls out a magnifying glass* Nope. You were right, Mr. Kirby. I'm afraid it IS a boy.
*Flashes back to present*
Amanda: (thinking) Yup. That's how my son, Eric A. Kirby got his name. Well, giving birth was easy. It's raising the child that's hard…
*Flashes back to age 25. Amanda is washing an enormous pile of dishes very tiredly. 5 year old Eric rides his Tricycle into the kitchen*
Eric: Hey! Whore-face!
Amanda: *sigh* Yes, Hon--?
Eric: Shut up! Now listen! I just took a shit on my bed for you to clean up! Now clean it up!
Amanda: Sweetie, Mommy's busy right…
Eric: Hey, shut up! Did I say you could talk!? Did I!? No! Now go clean my crap up!
Amanda: *slowly* Yes honey.
Eric: And get to stepping, bitch! God, you're like the worst mom ever!
Amanda: *going upstairs* Paul, can you help me with something?
Paul: *from their bedroom* Can't, hon! I'm sPying on our neighbor! She's getting naked!
Amanda: Erica!?
Paul: Eww, no! Harriet.
Amanda: Hairy Harriet?
Paul: Yeah, baby, yeah!
*Flashes back to the present*
Amanda: (thinking) Wow, I've had the worst luck with men. Too bad we had to go to the worst place in the world to get one of them back…
*Flashes back to her trip to Isla Sorna a couple of weeks ago. Alan Grant is making shadow puppets and Billy and the Kirbys are trying to guess what they are*
Alan: Okay, can anybody guess what this one is? *he makes a puppy shadow*
Paul: It's a Komodo Dragon!
Amanda: It's a doggy!
Alan: Yes, that's right, Mrs. Kirby. Arf! Arf! I think it likes you! Alright now, how about this one? *Makes a dinosaur shadow*
Billy: It's a that sPykosaurus!
Alan: Close, Billy, it's a Suchomimus!
Billy: No, I mean over there! That sPykosaurus is back!
sPykosaurus: *pops out of the trees* Who's hungry? I am!!! RRRAAAAAGGGGHHHHRRRR!!!
*sPykosaurus chases everybody off into the woods and Amanda flashes back to the present*
Amanda: (thinking) Wow, I sure am glad that that's over with… wait a second… *She flashes back yet again to yesterday when she left home to go to work* Oh no! I left the living room lights on! That electric bill is going to kill me!
*By now, Amanda has fallen between the imposing upper and lower jaws of the sPykosaurus and in a moment they would close down on her. Only a miracle could save her now. A miracle named sPitter-Man! From between the sharp teeth on one side, the Dilopho-sapien lunges towards Amanda, grabs her by the waist, and before he flies out through the other side, he sPrays his acid into the throat of the beast. In a swift moment, sPykosaurus would feel the unbearable pain of the acid dissolving away his mouth tissue, but just before he does, sPitter-Man grabs onto one of his teeth and swings onto his massive neck. A roar of searing agony escapes from sPyko's jaws while our hero slides down his great writhing neck with Amanda slung around his shoulders. He maneuvers around the towering sPikes on the monster's back the way his reptilian counterparts might maneuver around the trees when moving downhill in the jungle. But they never carry such terrified women on their shoulders. Let alone on the tortuous back of a greater dinosaur! Finally they were out of the forest of bony skewers and sliding down the sPykosaur's thrashing tail. sPitter-Man jumped off the tip and landed on a rather convenient palm tree. He sets Amanda down in the palm*
sPitter-Man: Chill here for a sec, cutey. I gotta go stop this monster!
Amanda: *stopping him* Wait! Who are you?
sPitter-Man: You know who I am.
Amanda: I do?
sPitter-Man: Sure. It's me, Tim Murph-- *the sPykosaur's thrashing tail smacks sPitter-Man out of the palm tree*
Amanda: Timurph? Timurph who?
*sPitter-Man crashes through the window of a supermarket and lands on a pile of pineapples*
sPitter-Man: Wow. That was close. I almost revealed my secret identity. I've got to be more careful!
*sPitty jumps back out of the window and lands on the street poised and ready for action! Then, the Hummer falls on top of him*
Kelly: Oh my gosh! Is everybody alright!? *everybody throws up on Kelly* I'll take that as a yes. *She tastes some of the vomit on her face* Mmm! Somebody had Fossil Flakes!
Everybody in the car: THEY'RE FOSSILICIOUS!
*sPitter-Man crawls out from under the Hummer and watches the sPykosaurus go crazy*
sPitter-Man: Alright, that does it. No more Mr. Nice Dilophosaurus sapien! Yo! sPyko!
sPyko: RRRRAAAAGGGGHHHHRRR!!!
sPitter-Man: You're so ugly that, um, girls don't find you very attractive! And I mean like, at all!
*The colossal carnivore just stands there wondering if that was supposed to be an insult*
Lex: Wow. Who is that guy? That was weak.
Ian: Tell me about it. I'm, ah, drunk, and I can think of more clever stuff than that. *rolls down his window* Hey! Ah, Dino-boy! C'mere.
*sPitter-Man walks over and Ian whisPers something into his ear*
sPitter-Man: Ha, thanks. `Eyo, T-rex shit! You so damned ugly, that when I'm done pounding your face in, you'll actually look better!
sPyko: RRRAAAAAAGGGHHHRRR!!!
*sPykosaurus charges at sPitty like a freight train on steroids, but our hero is calm and collective. He sPrays his lubricant sPit onto a large patch of the road in sPyko's path and the raging beast blindly steps on it. While he loses his balance, sPitter-Man hops into the driver seat of the Hummer and burns rubber. Behind them, the collapsing dinosaur falls in their direction and almost traps them under his weight. Almost*
Hammond: Hi Tim!
sPitter-Man: Wha---How did you---?
Lex: Pay no attention to my Grandpa, he's insane AND piss drunk. He thinks you're my brother and his Grandson.
sPitter-Man: Oh. Ha ha, of course.
Ian: Yeah, it, ah, probably also has something to do with the fact that you're the same height, you have the same voice, and you're part the same dinosaur sPecies which Tim earlier claimed he was sPat on by a, ah, radioactive sPecimen of. Or something.
Kelly: Dad, please. I know you're tore up too, but that's the most ludicrous thing I've heard in a LONG while!
sPitter-Man: *in deep man voice* Yes, that is indeed silly. *notices sPyko about to get back up* Excuse me, all.
*sPitty leaps out of the Hummer and sPrays his adhesive sPit over sPyko's hands causing them to stick to the ground. He then lands on the creature's snout which tosses him up into the air over it. sPitter-Man covers sPykosaurus' entire body with strips of his adhesive sPit. A moment later, the great monster is stuck down on the ground, totally immobilized. sPitty drops down in front of his face*
sPykosaurus: RRRAAAAAAGGGHHHRRR!!!
sPitter-Man: Shut up. *uses up his adhesive sPit on shutting sPyko's mouth* Now then, I believe I have a promise to keep.
*sPitter-Man sPrays his Acid sPit all over sPykosaurus' face. The gang watch from inside the Hummer. Sarah flashes everybody again. Finished with the acid, sPitty continues tormenting sPyko by pummeling his face in with his enhanced strength*
Sarah: Poor little big dinosaur. What's the sPitting guy doing?
Ian: Making it pretty.
*sPyko opens his eyes when he feels sPitty finish abusing him. He sees the strange little Man-thing standing in front of him looking satisfied*
sPitter-Man: Wow. This is some of my best work to date! *holds up a mirror and shows sPyko his new face*
sPyko: Oh my God! I look like a Backstreet Boy!
sPitter-Man: So you like it?
sPyko: Are you joking? I love it! I’m gorgeous!
*Enrique Iglesias floats by in his fantastic airship*
Enrique: No, my friend. I am Gorgeous. You’re just cute.
sPyko: Hey, don’t take this moment away from me! Moley.. Mole McMoleson!
Roland: Blimey! Which one is less creative?
*Enrique floats off*
sPyko: Man, sPitter-Man, I don’t know how to thank you.
sPitter-Man: Well, the ocean’s not too far away. Could you, maybe, swim away and never return?
sPyko: You got it, man. You’re tops! *leaves*
sPitter-Man: Yeah, I know. *runs back up to Amanda Kirby’s palm tree with the quickness* Well, you look comfy. Care to come down now?
Amanda: *with little hearts in her eyes* Whatever you say, sPitter-Man.
sPitter-Man: Please. Call me sPitty. *And so, sPitter-Man slides down the tree with Amanda in his arms and brings her over to the Hummer where everybody’s stepping out* Catch you folks later. Crime never sleeps. *he bounds off and leaps over all the buildings*
Malcolm: We’ve gotta get wasted, ah, more often.
Billy: I hear that.
*Momentarily, Tim Murphy steps out from the corner of a nearby store*
Tim: Hey guys. Whoa, did I miss something here?
Lex: Timmy, I can’t believe you just missed everything! See, there was this gigantic dinosaur and he went, ‘Raaaghr! Raaaghr!’ *acts like sPyko*
Tim: Wow, that sounds just like a sPykosaurus ancienticus.
Kelly: And he attacked our Hummer! But we were saved! sPitter-Man saved us all!
Tim: Oh, really? Who’s sPitter-Man?
Amanda: *smitten and sighs* sPitter-Man is my hero.
*Later, on TV…*
Bill O’Reilly: sPitter-Man is a menace!
Tim: What!?
*Tim, Billy, Lex and Kelly are sitting on a king size bed, watching the O’Reilly Factor at Amanda’s house. Most of the drunk guys are asleep behind them, but Alan wakes up*
Alan: Oh, my head…
Tim: Shhh. *turns up the volume*
O’Reilly: Earlier today, this “Phantom Menace” went public when he assaulted 3 senior citizen women out on an afternoon drive. Joining us now are those women. Ladies.
Ethyl: Thank you, Bill. Why, in all our years, we have never met such a rude young man.
Edna: Someone oughtta teach that boy some manners.
Estelle: And to resPect his elders!
O’Reilly: Amen. Also joining us is Mr. Bank Robberson…
Bank: Uh, yeah. I was, like, uhhh… making a deposit? Ya know? And I had my gun out, right? And like, this sPitter- dude thought I was all, robbin’ the bank and stuff? Aaannnd… Ya know? He beat me up. For like, no reason.
O’Reilly: Alfred Koholic, a school bus driver…
Alfred: Lemme, Lemme tell you, Lemme tell you what that sPlatter-Man done. I was, um, driving the octopus, I mean school bus, and, he came and, did some stuff I don’t remember. *belch* And, uhhh, the next thing I knew, the bus was hanging off the end of the road I think. And I remember seeing sPitter-Man!
O’Reilly: A bus full of children. That’s terrible. One of those children was assaulted by sPitter-Man just a few hours later on the school yard. Finally joining us, Butch Toughington…
Butch: All I did was show this kid who owed me money my new switchblade, and just when I was about to give him a closer look, that mean old sPitter-Man gave me an atomic Wedgie!
O’Reilly: Terrible. Just Terrible. sPitter-Man, if you’re watching this right now, I want you to know that you won’t get away with these vigilante acts you’re commiting and I suggest that you turn yourself in to the local authorities, buster!
Kelly: What’s this guy’s damage? sPitter-Man saved the city from that giant, crazy dinosaur!
O’Reilly: On top of all that, he destroyed a massive animatronic dinosaur filming a movie on the streets of San Diego. Joining us live as well, is Stan Winston.
Stan: Bill, what is the world coming to when masked vigilante’s go around destroying incredibly expensive sPecial effects?
O’Reilly: I don’t know, Stan. I don’t know…
Tim: That wasn’t no damn, sPecial effect!
Billy: You callin’ Stan Winston a liar?
Tim: Huh? No. But still…
Lex: Well, Tim, even I’m willing to believe that the dinosaur was an Animatronic.
Tim: Oh, come on! I don’t care how good Stan Winston is, that thing looked pretty freakin’ realistic to me!
Kelly: Wait a minute. I thought you said you didn’t see the dinosaur?
Roland: *waking up* Blimey. Did somebody put horse tranquilizers in my drink again?
Tim: No, I mean, I didn’t SEE it, but you know, I saw Lex’s portrayal of the creature, and judging from that, I find it hard to believe that that thing could have been fake.
Lex: Bro, unless that wasn’t Stan Winston, but rather a man with the uncanny ability to alter his appearance to match the guy, it doesn’t really matter how good my impressions are.
Tim: Alter his appearance…? The Crimson Carnoratosaur!
Alan: You know, it’s actually Ceratotaur now, not Carnoratosaur…
Tim: That’s great, Dr. Grant, but I gotta go. Peace out everyone!
*Tim jumps out of Amanda’s bedroom window, lands in the bushes, and a moment later, sPitter-Man is seen running down the sidewalk wearing Tim’s clothes. Nobody inside notices, though*
Kelly: I wonder what that was all about.
Lex: I don’t know. He’s been acting a little odd lately. Maybe he’s taking after Grandpa.
Hammond: *coming to* Mooberry Pie…
Alan: Say, where are we?
Kelly: We’re at Amanda’s house.
Alan: Oh yeah. Didn’t she say something about moving back to Ohio?
Billy: She sure did. She’s packing up all her stuff right now…
Amanda: *walks in holding two suitcases* Nice to see some of you awake. Roland, can you drop off everybody at home once you get it together?
Roland: Shouldn’t be a bleedin’ problem. Thanks for bringing us all here.
Amanda: Well, it was the least I could do. You guys have been really nice to me after everything that’s happened. Too bad I’ll probably never see any of you again after today.
Alan: Whoa. You mean you’re still going through with that whole “moving back to Ohio” thing?
Ian: *awake* And you’ve only lived here for a, ah, few weeks, that’s… that’s kind of sad.
Amanda: Yes, and if I stay, things will just keep on getting sadder. So I’m going back home to live with my mother until I can re-marry. Preferably somebody with a little more intellect than a bar of soap. My plane leaves at 8.
Kelly: 8 tonight? You’re gonna miss the Oscars.
Billy: Oh, right! That reminds me, I got 4 tickets. Anybody care to join me?
Lex: Sure, I’ll go.
Kelly: Me too.
Billy: Alan?
Alan: I don’t know… Will Britney sPears be there?
Billy: We’re sitting right next to her.
Alan: Oh Baby, Baby! You KNOW I’m in!
Ian: Well, I’d be careful if, ah, I were you guys. I have a bad hunch about that event…
Sarah: *awake* Honey, you have a bad hunch about everything…
Ian: And, and I’m always right, aren’t I?
Billy: Dr. Malcolm, if Tim Burton wins Best Picture for “Planet of the Monkeybones”, then I’ll be forced to agree with you.
*Over at BioSyn headquarters, Stan Winston walks into Wilton Fist’s office. The gluttonous CEO eats from a bucket of cole slaw*
Wilton: Congratulations, my friend. I believe you may have just saved BioSyn some precious time.
Stan: I hope you’re right, sir. *transforms back into the Crimson Carnoratosaur* That sPykosaurus incident could have ruined everything.
Wilton: All I know is that it had better not happen again, Lewis.
Crimson: Crim-Son.
Wilton: Oh, whatever. Do you have any idea who could have sabotaged the lab? It’s you’re job to keep things like that under control!
Crimson: No, sir. I thought I did, but it couldn’t have been… Not Nick Van Owen. I killed him with my bare hands. And teeth. I bit the man’s head off.
Wilton: Hungry? *offers him a handful of cole slaw*
Crimson: Uhh, no thank you sir. My diet now consists entirely of meat.
Wilton: There are little bits of meat in here, you know. I just finished a bucket of fried chicken some 8 minutes ago.
Crimson: *long uncomfortable pause* No.
Wilton: Suit yourself.
Crimson: Sir, I am concerned, however. About this sPitter-Man character. Where did he come from?
Wilton: Ah yes. The other human with dinosaur powers. Don’t worry about him, “Crimson”. He is of no concern to us. At least not yet.
Crimson: What if he ruins our plans for tonight?
Wilton: He won’t. Not even he can put a stop to what I have in store. But should he try, I am counting on you to eliminate that problem.
Crimson: Yes sir. *turns to leave*
Wilton: One more thing. I trust you’ve taken care of the real Stan Winston?
Crimson: I wouldn’t worry about that…
*Meanwhile, at the REAL Stan Winston’s house, the master of animatronics is standing on the his living room bookshelf, tossing hard-covers at a throng of his robotic creations*
Stan: Back! All of you, back! I created you! I am your god! Now back, I say!
*The queen Alien rises up and is about to take a swipe at Stan, when sPitter-Man crashes through the window and drop kicks her. All the other Animatronics turn their attention to attack him. With the quickness, he pulls out a Universal remote control and shuts them off*
sPitter-Man: 20 robots and not one of them seems to like you, Mr. Winston. I’m not going to have to call the RSPCA, am I? *gets hit on the head with a vase* OW!
Stan: Get away, you doppelganger!
sPitter-Man: Wait, you have me confused with somebody else! There’s this horrible Carnoratosaurus-guy going around with the ability to change his appearance that needed to get you out of the way so that he could blame that big old sPykosaurus running down the street earlier on one of your creations!
Stan: …wait, what?
sPitter-Man: He works for an evil organization in cahoots with the Taliban, that wants to take over the world. They’ve got some evil schemes that I never got around to reading, but I can’t help but feel that that sPykosaurus was just the tip of the iceberg.
Stan: Evil organization?
sPitter-Man: Yes, um, BioSyn.
Stan: BioSyn? Like the BioSyn Headquarters theater which is holding the Academy Awards right now?
sPitter-Man: Exact-- oh no. I gotta go Stan! *leaps out the window*
Stan: GodsPeed, sPitter-Man. *turns back into the Crimson Carnoratosaur* GodsPeed. Robots! *pulls the REAL, gagged, Stan Winston out of a closet* Finish him off!
The REAL Stan: Mmmph! Mmph!
Crimson: What? *pulls off the gag*
Stan: I said, ‘Mmmph! Mmph!’
Crimson: Whatever, I don’t got time for this.
*Throws Stan into his legion of Animatronics where they beat the crap outta him. Crimson climbs out through the window and hops onto his hidden Robo-dactyl. He takes off into the sky and heads back to HQ. At the sPeed he’s flying, he’s sure to reach it before sPitter-Man. Meanwhile, at the Oscars, Tom Hanks wins his 5th award for “Gumpaway”*
Tom: ...And so, I've decided to build myself a house out of all my Oscars. Thank you all!
*Tom Hanks steps offstage and everybody applauds. Including our four friends in the audience*
Alan: Have any of you guys even seen Gumpaway? What’s that movie about?
Billy: This retarded Shrimp Fisherman get’s washed up onto an island where he marries a volleyball
Kelly: That Volleyball was fantastic by the way. Have you seen her in--?
Lex: You guys, shut up! They’re about to present the award for best actress!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, here to present the award for best actress, are Jim Carrey and The Rock!
*Everybody applauds as Jim and Rock step up the mic*
Jim: sPank you all, very much for that humble applause!
Rock: Say, Jim?
Jim: Jim.
Rock: No, Jim, The Rock means The Rock wants to ask you something.
Jim: No, Rock, for the last time, I won’t marry you!
Rock: Ha ha. No, Jim Carrey, The Rock was actually going to ask you whether or not you like Pie, but I guess we now know the answer to that is no.
Jim: Well, Rocky, do you like pie?
Rock: *does the people’s eyebrow* As a matter of fact,--
Jim: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHETHER YOU LIKE PIE OR NOT! THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS-- *Rock punches Jim in the face. Once he removes his fist, Mr. Carrey’s mug appears to have imploded*
Rock: The fact of the matter is that there is some very fine Pie in this room tonight! Sadly, there can only be one recipient for the best actress award.
Jim: *pulls his face out* And the nominees are…
Rock: Julia Roberts in Runaway Sweethearts!
*Julia smiles and waves at everybody. The J-Krap gang just sit unimpressed*
Alan: Now there’s a set of jaws that’d make T-rex nervous.
Kelly: That’s funny.
Lex: What is?
Kelly: I just got this weird tingly feeling down the back of my neck.
Billy: Are you cold or something?
Kelly: No, it’s not that. I just have a weird feeling is all. Sort of like…
Lex: Like what?
Kelly: Like my dad’s Malcolm sense…
Billy: What the Hell is a Malcolm sense?
Kelly: It’s like those weird premonitions he gets whenever bad stuff is about to happen.
Jim: And Britney sPears in Crossroads 2!
Alan: Looks like something bad IS about too happen...
Rock: And the winner is…
Jim: Julia Roberts! Runaway Sweethearts! *Julia gets up, smiles, and waves when Jim abruptly stops her* Psyche!
Rock: The real winner, Miss Britney sPears! Crossraoads II!
*“Oops I did it again” plays and Britney makes her way up to accept her award*
Britney: WOW, Y’ALL! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I’M BRITNEY SpEEEEAAAARRRRSSSS! I’M THE GREATEST ACTRESS IN THE WORLD!!! WHOOOOO!!!
Julia: *walks up to her* Get off this stage, bitch! That award is mines and you know it!
Britney: UH, I DON’T THINK SO, JULIA!!! I’M BRITNEY SpEARS! THIS AWARD IS MINE!
Julia: You’re not even a decent singer, let alone an actress!
Britney: YOU KNOW WHAT, SKANK? YOU’RE JUST ANOTHER OVERRATED HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITY WITH NO DISCERNABLE TALENT THAT NOBODY KNOWS HOW YOU GOT TO WHERE YOU ARE!!!
Julia: And, what? You’re not?
Britney: WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU’RE A BIGGER ONE! I’M BRITNEY SpEARS! AND I’LL TELL YOU WHAT, I’M TAKING YOU OUT!
Jim: Sssomebody Ssstop them!
*The two are about to clash when the Rock holds them apart. The Jurassic Krap gang look on, amused*
Alan: I guess you and your father were right Kelly, something bad IS taking place here, tonight.
Billy: Yeah, and as soon as the Rock let’s ‘em go and rip each others dresses off, the sooner things will get better.
Kelly: I don’t think that’s what we forewarned…
Lex: Hey, do you guys feel that?
*Back on stage, The Rock is having a bit of difficulty restraining both women*
Jim: Ladies, ladies, please! Fighting is for degenerate morons who can’t pronounce 4-syllable words! No offense, Rock.
Rock: None taken… Jim! Hey, you guys feel that?
*The entire theater rumbles and moments later, an army of man-eating Tricycloplotzes burst through the walls! Random Celebrities are trampled and eaten by the fearsome beasts. The J-Krap gang avoids the monsters and heads to the stage where Britney, Jim, Julia and the Rock stand around, looking in surprise at what transPired. The gang climbs onto the stage because, for the moment, it seems to be pretty safe. The eight people watch the horror. Sensing an opportunity, Britney grabs the Oscar and clubs Julia off the stage with it. The “Pretty Woman” screams as she falls until two Tricycloplotzes below rip her apart and dine on her innards*
Britney: WHAT? Y’ALL WOULN’T HAVE DONE THE SAME?
*Not too far off, The Crimson Carnoratosaur is flying over to the doomed award ceremony, when his communicator turns on. He sees Wilton Fist and Wu on the screen*
Wilton: What do you have to report… “Crimson”?
Crimson: It’s like I thought. This “sPitter-Man” is heading there to save the day.
Wu: sPitter-Who?
Wilton: Haven’t you been watching the news? He’s some other dinosaur freak running around who can sPit or something. He sPits acid, he sPits tar, he sPits dishwashing detergent or something…
Wu: Damn. I wonder where he came from.
Crimson: And where’d he get those powers?
Wu: Maybe he got bitten a radioactive sPider or something. Oh! A radioactive sPitter! Ha ha. Later. *Wu steps off screen*
Crimson: Yeah, now where the hell would he find a Radioactive-- Oh…my…God…
Wilton: What is it?
Crimson: sPitter-Man is Tim Murphy! John Hammond’s grandson!
9/25/2002 9:51:16 AM
(Updated: 9/25/2002 4:03:09 PM)
(Updated: 9/29/2002 9:33:24 PM)
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