|
Jurassic Krap the Series: Episode 2: Attack of the Clones
By CeratosPit
Late that night, Paul and Eric Kirby were driving across some random bridge in southern California in their SUV...
Eric: Dad, let's not do this.
Paul: Now, Eric, as your father, I know best. And I say that if Alan Grant thinks he's gonna sue my butt for $1,000,000, then he's got another thing coming! He can't sue us if we're living in TIJUANA, MEXICO!
Eric: Actually, dad, I'm pretty sure he can.
Paul: He can sue Paul Kirby, but not PABLO KIRBYEZ!
Eric: Dear lord...
Paul: Nor can he sue ENRIQUE KIRBYEZ!
Eric: I'm not changing my name to Enrique. There's already a guy in this series named Enrique.
Paul: There is?
*Eric points out the window to show his father Enrique Iglesias still flying that crazy Airship of his*
Enrique: Que Pasa, casas?
Pau-- er, Pablo: Alright then, how about Ricardo?
Eric: I hate you dad.
Paul: Tch. Teenagers. Today, you say you hate me, tomorrow you'll say--
Eric: Dad, we're being followed by a pack of Raptors on motorcycles!
Pablo: --Dad, we're being followed by a pack of raptors on motorcycles. You're going through an awkward stage in your life...
Eri-- I mean, Ricardo: Idiot! Listen to me! There are, like 30 dinosaurs on motorcycles chasing us!
*Ricardo looks out the back window to see them getting closer*
Pablo: And it's understandable that you'll say things that you don't really mean. Why when I was you age, I remember looking my old man in the eye and telling him, "It's my body and I don't care what you say! I'm getting breast implants whether I want to or not!"
Ricardo: Dammit, Dad! Look out the freakin' window! They're right there!!!
*Pablo looks out his window to see Velocirapper on a motorcycle riding parallel to him*
Rapper: I got humans in my fridge, a horny bitch, just need to knock yo ass offa dis bridge!
Velocirasta: It's saturday!
Rapper: Sticky-icky-icky!
Pablo: Wow, would you look at these kids today? Why back in my day, Motorcycle gangs just wore Snakeskin boots and leather jackets. Nowadays, they go all out and wear gigantic Lizard costumes!
Ricardo: I don't wanna die!
Pablo: What, you're hair?
*Three motorcycles agressively slam into the Kirbyez's SUV and knock it over the bridge into the river*
Pablo: Oh, would you look at that? Those little punks scratched the paint!
*sPlash! Overhead, Nick Van Owen, Tim Murphy and John Hammond are flying over to BioSyn HQ in Nick's personal Minijet. They put on sPecial sPy suits and strap on their gear*
Nick: Alright, Tim, John, let's go over the plan once more. We land on the roof, sneak in through the ventilation system, and sPlit up into 3 different directions. Tim, you'll sneak into Wilton Fist's office and retrieve any files and documents that pertain to their links to the Taliban, cloning dinosaur armies and whatnot. I'll sneak over the cloning labs and take photographs of everything that's going on. John, you have the most important job.
Hammond: Do I get to pet the bunny?
Nick: You stay in the vent where we leave you and pick your nose until we get back. But do it very quietly.
Hammond: Ok. I don't want to scare the bunnies.
Tim: Hey, Mr. Van Owen? I'm, uh, having second thoughts about this whole esPionage thing.
Nick: Are you quitting on me, Tim? Because if you are, tell me now. I can't do this alone.
Tim: Sorry, man. I guess I just don't have the stomache for this.
Nick: Well, you should have said something earlier.
*Nick flips the jet over and the trio falls out. Nick grabs Tim and Hammond, and his jetpack comes on. They slowly descend and land on the roof of the building*
Tim: What are you doing!? I said I quit!
Nick: So quit. Go home. I'm not stopping you. Climb down down the building. Or jump off. Or take the stairs. But watch out for the security guards. This place is crawling with them.
Hammond: You know, Staples can be sharpened into little braces for Venus Fly Traps.
Nick: Cool. So Tim, you gonna stick with us, or take a chance a chance and leave?
Tim: *sigh* Either way, we probably won't get out of this building alive.
*The three break into the air duct and crawl down the vent until they come to fork in their path. Tim Goes to the left, Nick goes to the right and Hammond sits down to pick his nose. Meanwhile, over at Lex's rather ghetto house, Ian helps carry Kelly's baggage into her room*
Lex: So welcome to my humble adobe. Whaddya think?
Ian: I think I'll, ah, move in too. There's no animals.
Kelly: Wow, this is gonna be so cool being roommates, Lex! We can trick the neighbor boys into thinking we're hot lesbians and torment them!
Lex: Not gonna happen. Our neighbors ARE hot lesbians.
Ian: You can still play the, ah, same trick on them.
Kelly: Ew. Dad, you're gross.
Ian: Yea-Yeah, buy lots of whipped cream. That'll really, ah, torment them. Well, adios, ladies.
Lex: Bye, Dr. Malcolm!
Kelly: So where's my room?
Lex: Well, it's over there, but there's no bed. You're gonna have to bring your's over tomorrow.
Kelly: Oh. Well, that's no problem. I'll sleep on the couch tonight.
Lex: I wouldn't do that either. There's loose sPrings and baby roaches. I'm calling an exterminator on Monday.
Kelly: Oh. Dang. Um, could I sleep with you?
*Kinky music starts playing*
Lex: Uhhh, sure. Of course. I mean, it's not a very big bed, but we can both squeeze in.
Kelly: Alright. Hey, I know it's late, but can I take a shower? I've been wearing tight leather all day.
Lex: Yeah, same here. I'll go after you're done, just don't take too long. I haven't paid my water bill in 3 months and they've been threatening to cut me off.
Kelly: That sucks. Where's your bathroom?
Lex: Oh it's right here. C'mon/
*Kelly follows Lex into her Bathroom, close the door, and follows her to a window*
Lex: Sorry there's no shower curtain. But just pull down the shades, and the lezzies next door won't stare at you. Hey, Kel, help me shut this window? It's always kinda stuck.
*Kelly helps Lex pull down the window. They both groan at the labor of it. So loud in fact, that their hot lesbian neighbors peek out the window and see them pull down the blinds.
Gina: Hey, Lizzie. Check it out. I think Lex has been hanging out around us for to long.
Lizzie: Oh my God. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Both: FOURSOME!!!
*Back at Lex's...*
Lex: Alright Kelly, so don't take too long. Listen, I'm really sorry.
Kelly: About what?
Lex: I know I've got kind of a crappy place here. But, I'm gonna get some work done
Kelly: Lex, don' worry about it. Now that I live here too, we can get that work done on our pad twice as fast. Seriously, you're like the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
Lex: Aww, thanx Kel, that means alot to me:) *Lex tries to leave but the door is stuck* Oh no! No again! First the window, now the door! Looks like we're gonna be stuck in here!
Kelly: Oh man. Now how am I supposed to take my shower?
Lex: Well, look, I'll just chill here with my eyes closed. Don't worry, I'm not gonna go all perv on you or nothing.
Kelly: Thanks, Lex. You're a real pal.
Lex: Well, I try.
Kelly: Hey, listen, you know, we're two sensible young ladies and good friends. There's no reason we can't take this shower together, right?
Lex: What?
Kelly: I mean, you know, I'm just saying cuz you know, they might cut off your water and stuff. But if that's like, too--
Lex: No! No, it's cool. Yeah, sure. I mean, you're right, you know? Thanks.
*Back at BioSyn, Nick Van Owen slowly dropped from the air vent into the cloning lab. He walked around all the huge machines in awe and took photos. He passed what appeared to be a large holding crate from which he heard dinosaurs hooting. Nick saw green light glow out of the air holes. He moved on and took more photos. Footsteps were heard coming closer. Somebody else was in this lab. He peeked over a machine to look at the origin of the footsteps. But to his surprise, there was nobody there. But he wasn't alone in this room. No, Nick Van Owen definitely felt the presence of somebody else. Somebody near. But he didn't know exactly how near until he felt something punch him in the face*
Nick: Wha--? Who did that?
*An unseen voice laughs maniacally and Nick is punched in the face again. Nick runs around the giant machines and tries to hide from the unseen force. Meanwhile, Tim searches Wilton Fist's office. He opens one of his desk drawers and pulls out some dirty magazines with pictures of hairy men with barnyard animals. Disgusted, Tim places them back into the drawer and opens another one. This time, he pulls out a folder labeled 'Top Secret Information that should really be kept in a safer place about BioSyn's plan to help the Taliban take over the world with dinosaurs'*
Tim: Jackpot.
*Suddenly, the door opens. Panicking, Tim hides under the desk as Wilton Fist walks over to his desk. The enormous CEO sits down and pulls out the dirty magazines from his drawer*
Tim: *whisPering* Sweet Jesus, no.
*Wilton stuffs his hand down his pants and Tim closes his eyes. Timmy tries not to hear the heavy breathing of the gluttonous degenerate looming over him. And two minutes later, the heavy breathing stops. It is replaced by snoring. Wasting no time, Tim crawls out from under the desk and rushes back to the air vent on the wall. Back in the lab, Nick Van Owen is found and being thrown around by an unseen force roaring with laughter*
Voice: Had enough Van Owen?
Nick: Who... who are you?
Voice: Who am I? Now Nicky, I'm shocked. You don't recognize the voice of your greatest adversary? Well, now that you mention it, I do sound just a bit different. Here, maybe this'll help...
*Before Nick Van Owens eyes, Lewis Dodgson appears out of thin air*
Dodgson: That better?
Nick: No... Dodgson?
Dodgson: No, not quite. I'm afraid Lewis Dodgson is dead. You can call me... *Dodgson changes appearence once again. This time into a horrible red demonic reptile man with the anthropomorphed face of a Carnoratosaurus* ... THE CRIMSOM CARNORATOSAUR!!!
Nick: This can't... be happening.
Dodgson: Believe it Nickles. I'm stronger, faster, I can take on anybody's appearence or disappear before your very eyes.
Nick: Yeah? Well you ain't bulletproof! *Nick pulls out a revolver and blasts Dodgs--um, I mean the Crimson Carno in the face*
Crimson: Actually, I am. You, on the other are everything but. You're not slash-proof. *He slashes Nick across the arm* You're not slam-proof. *He slams Nick into one of the machines* And you sure as Hell ain't kick-in-the-nuts-proof! *Crimson does that as well. Nick Van Owen's screams are carried into the ventilation system. Tim hears the cries of pain and rushes over. But he doesn't reach them first though. Dr. Wu steps into the Lab*
Wu: Hey, Dodgson, are my muffins ready?
Crimson: Stuff it, Wu! I got something here better than freakin' muffins!
Wu: Cupcakes?
*Wu walks around a couple of his gigantic machines and sees the Crimson Carnoratosaurus holding Nick Van Owen up in the air with one arm*
Crimson: I got us a little sPy!
Wu: Dodgson, we're not gonna eat a sPy.
Crimson: You're not. And for the last time, my name isn't Dodgson anymore! It's the Crimson--
Wu: Crimson Carnoratosaurus, yeah, yeah. Geez, you're like a freakin' comic book character.
Nick: Wait, I know you. You're Dr. Wu. You used to work for InGen.
Wu: Yeah, before they went belly up.
Nick: You traitor.
Wu: Whoa, I'm no traitor. I'm just a simple brilliant genetisist trying to make his way in the Universe. Where was I gonna work? McDonalds?
Crimson: HEY! If you two are done talking here, I'd like to get on with the killing!
Tim: You're not killing anybody! RAAGH!
*Tim drops from the air vent onto Crimson and vigorously punches him in the face. The monster stands around looking bored with it*
Crimson: Are your knuckles getting sore?
Tim: Yeah, actually, they kinda are.
Crimson: Well, that'll happen when you're PUNCHING A GUY WHOSE FACE IS COVERED IN FREAKING HORNS AND SCALES, IDIOT! *He uses his free arm to throw Tim off and the young man crashes into the holding crate*
Wu: I'm getting out of here. Goodnight.
Crimson: Don't let the bedbugs bite ya, Wu!
*Tim gets up and sees the Crimson Carnoratosaurus striding towards him dragging Nick Van Owen behind him. He can see that the creature enjoys torturing them. But Crimson isn't the only creature in the lab. Tim looks behind him and sees 6 glowing green Dilophosaurs step out of the crate. They bob their heads playfully. Crimson looks slightly alarmed and this distraction is just what Nick needs. In a desPerate attempt, Nick pulls out a stun gun and zaps Crimson's crotch*
Nick: Well, you're not Zap proof!
Crimson: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! I am going to kill you, Nick Van Owen!
Nick: Not tonight!
*Nick helps Tim up. He shoots his grappling hook up into the Air duct and the two retract back up in there. Nick goes in first but before Tim could climb in, one of the Dilophosaurs sPrays him with the radioactive Dilo-juice*
Tim: Gah! It burns!
Hammond: Me too. *They look at Hammond standing in the air vent in front of them* I have to pee pee! *Hammond pisses on himself and the Urine trickles down through the ceiling. Down below, Crimson, slowly gets up and feels a golden shower rain on him*
Crimson: VAN OWWWWWWEEEEEEENNNNN!!!
*Crimson leaps up into the air vent and discovers that they are way ahead of him. He runs after the trio who have already made it to the roof where it is raining. The three men can hear him*
Tim: Mr. Van Owen, when is that plane gonna be here? This stuff is burning me really bad!
Nick: Here it comes! It's coming back!
Hammond: We're over here, Superman!
*Just as the minijet sets down, the Crimson Carnoratosaurus breaks out from under the roof, snarling with rage! Nick Helps Tim inside. Then Hammond. But just as he's about to climb in, a clawed hand pulls on his shoulder and throws him halfway across the roof. Crimson walks up to his fallen prey, but Nick still has a few tricks up his sleeve. Before Crimson can get to him, he activates his jetpack. Nick flies over the roof in the rain. He heads back to his minijet*
Nick: Hammond! Activate it! Push the autopilot button!
Hammond: Aye aye, captain!
*Hammond bats the fuzzy little pimping dice around*
Tim: Ugghhhh, grampa, the big red button. Pusshhhhh...
Hammond: Chicken Pie!
*Hammond presses the red button and the minijet starts to hover. Nick is zooming in towards the plane when Crimson leaps up and pulls him down. He rips the jetpack off of Nick's back and the two plummet off of the side of the building. Nick shoots his grappling hook back up at the edge of the roof. Crimson hangs onto him by biting onto Nick's thick boot, crushing the foot inside. Nick winces in pain as the grappling hook retracts. Summoning up his lower body strength, Nick swings Crimson back and forth until his boot finally slips off and Crimson crashes though a window. Crimson lands in Fist's office where the CEO is sleeping at his desk. He growls and runs back into the lab. Nick Van Owen meanwhile drops on top of his minijet which begins to fly off slowly*
Nick: Tim... You got... the files?
Tim: I lost them! I need to get to a hosPital!
Nick: Damn... I forgot my camera.
Hammond: I forgot my Golden Grahams.
Nick: Ah, hell. We're screwed now. Jet! Return us to my place at 40mph.
Jet: Command accepted.
Hammond: Say, Nick? Can Mr. Dodgson fly on a robotic Pteranodactyl?
Nick: I dunno, John, why?
Hammond: No reason.
*Nick looks back and sees Crimson Carnoratosaurus flying on a Cyberdactyl after them*
Crimson: You're not gonna lose me that easily Van Owen!
Nick: Oh no. Jet--
*Before Nick could issue a command, Crimson pulls him off the glass dome on the minijet. He flies in front of Hammond and Tim. The latter's vision was getting weak, but he could just barely make out what was going on. The Crimson Carnoratosaur bit off Nick's head and ripped his arms off*
Hammond: Again! Again!
Tim: Tell me I just didn't see--
Crimson: You did, kid! NICK VAN OWEN IS DEAD!
8/25/2002 1:22:49 AM
Comment on this fan fiction!
|
|
|
