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Jurassic Krap: the series Episode 1: The Empire Strikes Back
By CeratosPit
Somewhere deep within the caves of Kabul Afghanistan, TT the Taliban Terroristrial led the pack of Raptor refugees to his Evil Organization’s lair. A few days ago, they escaped the destruction of Isla Sorna by way of a repaired yacht that TT had levitated all the way to the middle east with his telekinetic capabilities. Further into the caves, they are greeted by heavily armed men with beards and turbans. TT stops short of one man sitting in the center of the cave on lovely throw pillows. He bows to his leader and sPeaks…
TT: I have brought them to you as you have ordered my master.
Osama Bin Laden: Finally, after many months of hiding underground within the bowels of this miserable country, you have brought to us the secret weapon which shall be the undoing of those American pigs! Excellent.
*Hearing this, the alpha Velociraptor steps away from his pack and approaches the terrorist mastermind*
Velimeyraptor: Indeed, those dreadful Americans. Ha ha. Jolly good to meet an excellent judge of character such as yourself, mister…?
Osama: It sPeaks!?
Limey: It asks, sir, what your name is.
TT: Oh ho ho ho. How silly I have been for forgetting to remember to introduce you, Velimeyraptor, to his great supremeness and supreme greatness that we call our leader; OooooSAMA BIN LADEN!
Limey: Charmed.
Osama: Oh, but the pleasure is mines, I am sure. Yes! Because you see we had no idea that you creature were able to sPeak! Tell me, creature, are you intelligent.
Limey: Do you shit in a cave?
Osama: WWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTTTTT!!!???
*Limey’s right hand raptor, Velocirapper bursts out in laughter*
Velocirapper: Oh Snap! Oh Snap! Oh Snap! Limey, dawg you a clown for real.
Limey: Quite.
TT: How dare you sPeak in the way that you are sPeaking to our glorious leader who shall lead us into glory! Yooouuu
will hold your tongue or it shall be removed from the mouth that you keep your tongue in!
Osama: Please, please, TT, what can you expect from an inferior beast as this?
Limey: I beg your pardon, inferior? My people aren’t the one’s hiding from the world in a cavern, Mr. Bin Laden.
TT: Oh but you are now! For you see, with the island which you used to live on when you were living on an island destroyed, you have no where else to go! Where in the world shall you be accepted by the very sPecies that is the last sPecies that would ever accept you?
Limey: If you must know, we’ve already purchased a lovely condo in southern California under the alias of the ‘Pilkingtons’. I’m Nigel Pilkington.
Rapper: I’m Tarnell Pilkington, Bitch!
Vanessaraptor: We’re Vanessa…
Velocirupert: and Rupert Pilkington
Smurth: Damn Straight!
Velocirasta: I’m Cleo Pilkington, brodda!
Emirilociraptor: I’m Emiril Pilkington! BAM!
Transvestiteciraptor: Hiiiiiii! I’m Sidney Pilkington!
Valleygirlraptor: I’m like, totally Britina Pilkington!
*All the other background raptors mumble there names*
TT: ENOUGH! Have you all forgotten that you are indebted to me? Me! TT The Taliban TERRORISTRIAL! If not for the actions I have acted out, none of you would be here! No, you all be exploded on the exploding island!
Limey: Come now, we are beating around the proverbial bush. Mr.Terroristrial, what is it exactly that you were expecting from us?
TT: Oh ho ho, what I AM expecting is for your full cooperation. For you see, my raptor friend, you and your people shall become the grand army of me and my people! And it is with your help that we shall INVADE AMERICA!
*TT and Osama laugh maniacally*
Rapper: I think you dumbass Al Quedas need a couple o’ calculators.
Limey: I must concur with my rhyming right hand raptor. There are little under 30 Velociraptors in our tribe. We can’t exactly invade a well armed country with a population of over a billion people overnight.
*Suddenly, an American man in a white suit steps out from the darkness at the end of the cave*
Man: You could if there were over a billion of you.
Limey: Well, this just keeps getting more interesting, now doesn’t it?
Osama: Little dinosaur creature, allow me to introduce you to Mr. Dodgson.
Limey: Wasn’t I under the impression that you disliked Americans?
Osama: Mr. Dodgson is an acception. You see, he works for the only Evil Organization in America which supports the Taliban. It is called BioSyn!
Dodgson: Ya see, with the Taliban’s leadership and our vast resources of Biological weaponry developed for “our” military, we not only have the power to wipe out the American people for the Taliban, we’ve also got the intention to do just that.
Limey: I see. But if you don’t mind my inquiring, why would your corporation want to betray it’s own country.
Dodgson: Cuz we’re an Evil organization, pal! It’s what we do? But America’s only the first step in our heinous scheme. Today the U.S.A, tomorrow, the world!
*TT, Osama and Dodgson laugh maniacally again*
Limey: Now, if I have these details straight, you mean to tell me that you will clone a billion velociraptors to be your own personal army to take over the world with? Isn’t that a tad multifaceted for a plot of global domination?
Dodgson: Well, whaddya expect us to do? Bomb them? Unleash a horrible virus? They’ll see that coming a mile away. Hell, that’s what everybody’s expecting! But nobody will ever expect a diabolical scheme this bizarre!
Limey: Well I’d most certainly be lying if I said we did. It is appearent that our goals differ more than they equate. You wish to conquer the world so that you may force your beliefs and way of life on your fellow man. We, on the other hand, don’t want to conquer anything. Our asPiration is only to rid it of your revolting kind so that you may never continue these wicked acts of war. We have no interest in becoming your own personal enforcers.
Osama: *chuckles evilly* Foolish little creature. You don’t have a choice in the matter! This is no question of interest!
*A Taliban henchman steps away from the rest and addresses Osama*
Henchman: Oh, but I bet I can think of somebody who’d be VERY interested in all this! *He takes off his turban and removes his beard to reveal his true identity*
TT: Infidel! Who are you that dares to sPeak when you are not being sPoken to!
Nick Van Owen: The name’s Nick! Nick Van Owen! And I bet the American media would lllllove to see what I got on tape just now! *He whips out his hidden camera and disPlay’s it*
TT: Guards! Seize him!
*10 of Osama’s henchmen try and tackle Nick, but the wily infiltrator takes them all out with some slick karate moves. There‘s still a hundred or so more guards in the cave*
Nick: This is one swingin’ party you got here, Bin Laden! I hope a couple of my friends can crash. The U.S. Marine Corp will be here any minute, now.
*By now, every gun in the room is pointed at Nick. But he’s not hot under the collar just yet*
Dodgson: Nick Van Owen. What make’s you think we’ll believe that?
Nick: *pulls out a tracking device* You need anymore proof beside this Military tracking device?
Osama: Destroy the tracking device! And if they find us, we shall use this mole as a hostage!
Nick: Hold it right there Osammy. I’m no expert terrorist or anything, but I really don’t think a man with A BELT OF DYNAMITE STRAPPED AROUND HIS WAIST *which he drops his robe to reveal* makes an ideal hostage.
Osama: WWWHHHAAATTT!!!???
*Osama, TT and the henchmen all murmur and panic, but Dodgson just looks annoyed*
Dodgson: Who do you think you’re fooling Van Owen? That’s not real dynamite and you’d never work for the US Military! That ain’t your style, you’re a loner.
*Nick puts a casual look on his face and points up to the roof of the cave over them. A moment later, it explodes and rocky debris rains down upon them. TT uses his powers of levitation to hold up the rocks in mid air, but it’s obviously taking a lot out of him. Osama and his henchmen run in panic. Dodgson just stands there looking angry and confused*
Nick: Oh by the way, Lew, you’re right, this isn’t real dynamite. *He pushes the belt’s trigger button and a couple of rockets pop out of the back* It’s a jetpack!
*Nick blasts off through the huge hole over them and flies off into the night sky. Down in the cave, TT has settled all the rocks slowly onto the ground*
TT: Waaait a minute. Where did the velociraptors go off to!?
Osama: Who cares!? Let us escape from here!
*He and the TT run over to a control board on the cave wall, while all the henchmen run hither and thither. A large door slides open to reveal TT’s sPaceship. But something’s not right. It’s running at full power and the staircase is folding up*
TT: Somebody is hijacking my ship!!! Who is hijacking my ship!?
*The ship rotates, and the two evildoer can see raptors inside at the controls. Velimeyraptor, at the helm, notices them outside looking in and screaming*
Limey: Cheerio.
*With that, the sPaceship takes off into the sky much like Nick Van Owen did moments ago*
Osama: Oh Nooooo! This cannot be it! We cannot be defeated like this!
TT: Nooooo, this cannot be the way for us to be defeated, indeed!
Dodgson: *interrupting* We’re not defeated. Not just yet, anyway.
Osama: But the Marines! The Marines will crush us like the inferior pussies that we truly are!
Dodgson: There are no Marines!
TT: What? But if there are no Marines, then who exploded the explosion that exploded but moments ago!?
Dodgson: That was all Van Owen! He’s the guy who set off those explosives. He just tricked us into acting like dumb panicky animals so that he could get away!
Osama: Oh, so we are safe. Thank God. I mean, er, Allah.
Dodgson: No, we’re not safe. Not only does Nick Van Owen know where we are, he recorded everything that just went on. In a few hours, the whole world will know that we were here AND they’ll know that BioSyn is in cahoots with the Taliban! This is a disaster!
TT: Hmmm. Perhaps not all is as bleak as bleak though it may appear to be.
Osama: Do you a plan, my friend.
TT: YES! An incredible plan!
*Hours later, The O’Reilly Factor comes on in the US*
Bill O’Reilly: Welcome back to the factor. Our next guests are Nick Van Owen who, just a few hours ago, took this footage of Osama Bin Laden, his Taliban band, and an American BioSyn employee sPeaking to dinosaurs, Dr. Ian Malcolm, who TIME Magazine noted as one of the 5 most brilliant men alive, and Wilton Fist, owner of the multi-billion dollar company BioSyn.
Wilton: It’s good to be here again, Bill.
O’Reilly: I’ll let the ratings board decide that, Mr. Fist. Now, Mr. Van Owen, my first question goes out to you. I have to ask, is this even real?
Nick: Real as the nose on your face, Bill.
Ian: Which isn’t saying very much.
O’Reilly: So, I’m to understand that Osama Bin Laden is now working with dinosaurs? Come on, Mr. Van Owen, you have to admit this is a little farfetched.
Wilton: Bill, I must agree with you. This film is absolutely ludicrous. Not only do I find the association of my company to these terrorists offensive, but I also find it…um… you know, really bad. I mean, on top of all that, I’ve checked over and over again, and there is nobody working for my company named Lewis Dodgson, who matches the appearance of the man on this film.
Ian: How’d you, ah, know his first name was Lewis?
Wilton: Excuse me?
Nick: Dodgson. Lewis Dodgson. I never said his first name was Lewis, and it sure wasn’t mentioned on the film.
Wilton: Well, I-I-I only assumed that…
Ian: Busted.
O’Reilly: Now, wait a minute, Dr. Malcolm, wait just one minute. I have it on good authority that all dinosaurs are extinct. That cavemen used them as appliances like on the Flintstones, until a meteor hit the Earth and crushed all the dinosaurs. Tell me where I’m wrong.
Ian: Well, ah, first of all you’re a jackass who doesn’t know the difference between the Mesozoic era and Hannah Barbara. Second, up until last week, there have been dinosaurs on Earth for the past 10 years or so thanks to an out of business company called, ah, InGen…
Wilton: Who we put out of business, mind you.
O’Reilly: Look, Dr. Malcolm, I’m sorry if you thought that I was gullible, but the whole Jurassic Krap thing is nothing more than an Urban Legend!
Ian: Are you, ah, Brain dead? I’ve actually seen these things! I’ve actually been attacked by them! What about that whole T-rex incident a couple of years ago?
O’Reilly: Just an elaborate hoax, Dr. Malcolm. And shame on you for trying to keep it alive.
Nick: Oh shut up! Look, Bill, you’re missing the point. John Hammond brought dinosaurs back to life from ancient feces, and the ones that survived the explosion on Isla Sorna were taken to Kabul Afghanistan by an alien in a flying yacht where they met Osama Bin Laden and a guy named Lewis Dodgson in an underground cave!
Wilton: Do I really need to say anything at this point?
O’Reilly: Sorry Mr. Van Owen, but I’m just not buying it. Mr. Fist, I’ll leave you with the last word.
Wilton: Thank you Bill, I would just like to say that when the Taliban will rule over this pitiful country with an iron fist, you can be certain that we had not had not nothing to do with that not happening.
O’Reilly: You said it, Mr. Fist, coming up next, the most ridiculous item of the day.
Ian: The fact that you’re still working. Hey Nick, you, ah, wanna go grab a beer?
Nick: Long as you’re buyin’.
Ian: Oh, ah, forget it then.
*Wilton Fist exit’s the TV studio and steps into his limo*
Wilton: Driver, take me home. I’ve had a rough evening.
Dodgson: *revealing himself to be the driver* You think you’ve had it bad?
Wilton: DODGSON! I can’t believe you even have the gall to show your face here after what you just let happen!
Dodgson: Boss, please. Have this sandwich.
*Dodgson hands his angry boss a huge sub. Wilton is a very large, fat, bald man with very powerful arms which he grabs the sub with*
Wilton: Indeed, Lewis Dodgson, you have redeemed yourself. None the less, we are in great trouble if anybody finds out that the footage is real. And you my friend shall have to go into hiding.
Dodgson: Boss, I’m a corporate sPy. Incognito is my middle name.
Wilton: I thought your middle name was Karol?
Dodgson: *drives nervously* That… you know, I killed my own mother so that nobody would ever learn that. That must never be known outside of this limousine.
Wilton: Of course. Tell me, Dodgson, did you manage to at least attain the Velociraptors for the Taliban?
Dodgson: They… got away sir.
Wilton: Oh, of course. The only dinosaur sPecimens left in the world, and you lose them too. Could this night get any worse?
Dodgson: I wouldn’t worry about that sir. There is still one place on Earth where we can attain viable dinosaur embryos. Operation: Jurassic America could still go off without a hitch. Maybe even better than our original plan.
Wilton: Is that so? And where might these embryos be found?
Dodgson: Well sir, do you remember our mole working at InGen all those years ago?
Wilton: Ah yes, that fat disgusting Slob, Dennis Nedry! *He takes a large disgusting chomp out of his sub* What of him?
*Meanwhile in Kabul, Marines bust into the cave and shoot everybody in sight. Including Osama*
Sergeant Harry Ballz: ALRIGHT!!! WE FINALLY GOT BIN LADEN!!! SEND IN THE BOOZE!!!
*Kegs are lowered into the cave and the Marines have a wild party. The next afternoon in San Diego California, Billy Brennan walks steps into a bar and grill having it’s grand opening called ‘Styracosaurus Ugly’. Amanda Kirby’s new business and it seemed to be doing pretty well for it’s self. Billy walks past the many customers gawking at the exotic dancers and sits himself at the bar. He doesn’t go unnoticed, however, by the guys sitting next to him, as it’s pretty hard to miss a cyborg*
Bar fly: Hey fellas, look at this! We got Mr. Data over here
*His moron friends laugh, but Billy just grins and bears it. He takes a moment to re-accept the fact that he is now a cyborg. His computerized eyepiece, retracting robotic arm, wheeled feet and the bubble dome coming out of his ass that he sits on are all visual scars of Ian Malcolm’s bionic operation to save Billy’s life. And overall, it wasn’t a bad life. The only problems were his trouble when showering and the occasional jerks like these guys*
Bar fly: Ya know kid, you look familiar. I think I know your mother.
Billy: *annoyed* Is that so?
Bar fly: Yeah, I use her to make toast! Ha ha ha ha!
*His friends laugh, and Billy just becomes fed up*
Billy: Really? Well, I know your mother to. I use her for sex.
*The Bar fly stops laughing and his friends look on with interest*
Bar fly: You wanna run that by me again, C-3PO?
Billy: Nah, just forget it.
Bar fly: Whoa, whoa, no. You said something robo-boy, and for your sake it better not be what I thought I heard.
Billy: *nervously* I said--
*Suddenly, Billy is interrupted by…*
Roland Tembo: I believe the young man called your mother a filthy whore.
*The Bar fly turns around to find who said that. He sees a bald British guy in a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and a hat hanging off the back of his neck*
Bar fly: Hey, was I talking to you, baldy? No! So why don’t you go back off to merry old London, alright? Freakin’ Brit…
Roland: What do I have to do to pick a fight with you? Replace my colon with a carborator?
*The Bar fly has now forgotten about Billy, and gets up to confront the new guy. It looks like a fight is about to break out, when Amanda Kirby steps out of the back room dressed in tight leather*
Amanda: Hey, hey, hey! You guys know the rules, take your fight outside!
Bar fly: *To Roland* Ladies first.
Roland: Well you sir, are a gentleman.
Bar Fly: I’ll take that as a compliment.
Roland: I can think of none greater.
*Almost everybody in the bar follows Roland and the Bar fly outside to watch what is sure to be a fun fight. Billy, however, doesn’t move from his stool. Amanda turns to him and smiles*
Amanda: Glad you could make it, Billy! You wanna drink?
Billy: Yeah, I’ll have an ice-pick.
Amanda: Sure thing. Hey Lex! Get this guy whatever he wants!
*Lex Murphy pops up from behind the bar in red leather shorts and top. She pours Billy his drink*
Lex: Say, aren’t you Dr. Grant’s um, life partner or something?
Billy: What? Um, no! I mean, I used to be like, you know, but now I’m not and… he never was. So, no.
Lex: Alright, but I’m not judging you or anything. I’m not like that. Although I find you adorable.
Billy: Really?
Amanda: So, where is Dr. Grant anyway.?
Billy: Oh! He’s in court right now, suing your ex-husband. Could you turn on the TV?
*Lex complies and turns on the tellie. Judge Judy is starting*
Announcer: You are now entering the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheinberg. The cases are real. The verdicts are final. The judge is a cheap ploy for ratings. This is the Plaintiff. *Alan walks into the courtroom* Alan Grant claims that the defendant kidnapped him, and brought him to the deadliest island in the world against his will where thy had many zany adventures. He is suing the defendant for $1,000,000. This is the defendant. *Paul Kirby walks in* Paul Kirby claims that he needed the plaintiff to accompany him to the terrible island to rescue his son whose been living there comfortably for the past 8 years. He also claims that the plaintiff is really a duck dressed up like a paleontologist.
Paul Kirby: He is!
Announcer: He is being sued for $1,000,000. I could sure use a million myself. Oh, I should have never asked that loan shark for--
Burt the Security Guard: All rise, the honorable Judge Judy presiding!
Judge Judy: Everybody be seated. This courtroom will now come to order. The case of Alan Grant vs. Paul Kirby for $1,000,000. Dr. Alan Grant do you have any opening statements?
Alan: As a matter of fact, your honor, I do. Although I have been on an island infested with dinosaurs before, this was a much more traumatizing experience than anything I’d ever encountered before. My companions were one dimensional, the events were poorly arranged, and there were plot holes I could drive a truck through. My first traumatic experience on Jurassic Krap was much more entertaining.
Judy: And you Mr. Kirby?
Paul: Me what?
Judy: You what? Do you have any opening statements, Einstein?
Paul: Oh, yes of course. *coughs* Your honor, not only do I intend to prove that this man was never in any real danger at all, but that he is not a “man” at all! He’s a duck! A giant hypnotic duck who gets his jollies by acting like a paleontologist, because as we know it is illegal in 15 states to give a duck a degree in Paleontology!
Alan: Your honor, I’d also like to state that this man is a complete moron.
Paul: Oh, am I? Am I moron? Or are you a duck?
Judy: Hey! Mustache Man! Zip it!
Paul: Just one moment, your honor. I’d like to prove to this court that not only is Dr. Grant, in fact a duck, but that I am no moron!
Judy: Mr. Kirby, you’re getting on my last nerve! Don’t piss in my mouth and tell me it’s lemonade! If you don’t shut your trap--
Paul: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury--
Alan: What Jury?
Paul: If I’m such an idiot, THEN HOW DO I KNOW THAT A DUCK’S NATURAL ENEMY IS THE OCTOPUS!?
Judy: ORDER! ORDER!
Paul: 3 double cheeseburgers with everything and an apple turnover. Now, not only do I know this little tidbit of Duckology, I also have with me something with me that will undoubtedly prove that the man you see before you is waterfowl!
Judy: MR.KIRBY! I’M HOLDING YOU IN CONTEMPT!
Alan: *groaning* God help us.
Paul: God help you indeed, Duck-tor Grant! Ha Ha! *Paul whips out a thrashing octopus from his wet briefcase* Let’s see what Mr. Tentacles has to say about what sPecies you are!
*Paul is about to throw the octopus at Alan’s head and Burt the guard is about to stop him when the program is interrupted by a sPecial news bulletin*
News Anchor: We interrupt this mockery of the American Judicial System to bring you this sPecial report. Earlier today, the US Marines discovered Osama Bin Laden’s secret lair and pumped him full of lead. His body is being flown to New York where it will be strung up over Times Square and beaten with Piñata sticks until chocolate and vital organs rain down onto the streets of New York. Thank you for listening. We now return to our regularly scheduled courtroom debacle.
*Judge Judy comes back on, and her honor has Paul’s octopus stuck on her face. Burt tries to pull it off while Paul furiously blows a duck caller in Grant’s face*
Alan: I hate you.
Paul: *stops blowing* Wow, I guess you’re not a duck after all.
Alan: Nope.
Paul: But that would mean, THAT JUDGE JUDY IS THE DUCK!
*Burt finally rips the octopus (and the skin) off of her face. But it just grabs onto his. While Burt is wrestling the cephalopod on the ground, the hideous, faceless Judy breathes deeply and angrily at Paul*
Judy: Nister Kirvy! I herevy find in favor of the flaintiff! You will fay hin his $1,000,000! Now get out of ny sight!
Paul: Aw, darn it! And my case was airtight too.
Alan: Woohoo! Up yours, Mr. Kirby!
*Grant dances out of the courtroom and arrives moments later at Styracosaurus Ugly*
Alan: Unh! Unh! Whose bad? Whose bad?
Billy: Hey, congratulations, Alan!
Alan: Thank you, Billy. Hey Mrs. Kirby, I’m sorry about draining your ex-husband and son’s pockets of their money.
Amanda: Yeah, don’t worry, they’ll get by.
*Roland and the jerk bar fly walk back inside. Roland with a satisfied expression on his face, and the bloodied bar fly with a look of horror. Roland sits with the rest of the gang*
Roland: Might I get a Coors?
Lex: Coming right up, Mr. Tembo.
Billy: Hey, thanks for saving my ass back there, mister.
Roland: Don’t worry about it. I haven’t been in a bar fight for almost 3 weeks now. Can’t get lazy, you know.
Billy: Yeah, well… um, sir? Your left boot is missing.
Roland: Is it now? *takes a look* Well I’ll be a baboon’s dentist, you’re right. Now where the bloody- -
*Roland looks around, and notices the traumatized bar fly standing around. He walks over to him and pulls his left boot out of the man’s ass. Roland puts it back on and casually comes back to his seat where Lex serves him his drink*
Alan: Say, you wouldn’t happen to be Roland Tembo would you?
Roland: One and the same.
Alan: Wow, me, you, Billy, Mrs. Kirby and Lex. That’s 5 Jurassic Krap survivors in the same bar.
Amanda: 6, actually.
Billy: Really? Who else?
*Lex points to the other side of the bar where Kelly is pole dancing and a bunch of guys hold up $10 bills*
Kelly: HI, MR. TEMBO!
*Roland tips his hat. Meanwhile, several miles away on Isla Nublar, a cargo helicopter marked ‘BioSyn’ sets down on an abandoned road. Five agents with metal detectors pour out of the door. Dodgson stays in the chopper and addresses the men*
Dodgson: Alright, according to the radar, the can should be about 50ft into that Dilo…Dilo-pho-saurus paddock. I want it in 10 minutes or I’m leaving you all behind. Got it?
Agent 1: Uh, Mr. Dodgson? Are you sure there aren’t any dinosaurs left on this island?
Dodgson: *heavy sigh* For the last time, this island has been nuked of all animal life 8 years ago.
Agent 2: Then why are there 5 of us searching for a shaving cream can instead of just one guy?
Anent 3: And why do you say you’re going to take off in 10 minutes if we don’t find the can?
Dodgson: It’s just a precaution and I don’t like to waste time!
Agent 4: A precaution?
Agent 5: What about guns, then?
Dodgson: Good idea. *He shoots Agent 5 in the chest* Here’s a precaution: Waste anymore of my time, and I will shoot you.
*Agents scatter off into the woods and Lewis steps back into the helicopter where Mr. Fist is sloppily eating Burritos*
Wilton: I’ve got to hand it to you, Lewis Dodgson. Placing a tracking device in that can of shaving cream was certainly a bright idea. Even if we had forgotten about it for several years.
Dodgson: Well, don’t thank me yet. I just hope the embryos weren’t exposed to too much radiation during those bombings.
Wilton: For your sake, Lewis, you had better hope not!
*Meanwhile, the technician is noticing some strange blips on the radar screen*
Tech: Mr. Dodgson? Um, I hate to ask this, but are you absolutely positive that there is zero chance of any dinosaurs living on this island?
Dodgson: Oh, for God’s sake, what did I just say to those men outside?
Tech: I know, sir. But there there’s something on the screen. Something big. And it’s coming this way.
Wilton: What on Earth…? *slowly continues eating*
*Meanwhile, not too far off in the woods…*
Agent 3: I found it! *digs out the can of shaving cream* It was right next to this little waterfall!
Agent 1: Cool. Let’s get back to the chopper!
*Suddenly, they feel a slight tremor. The waterfall stops running. The 4 men look down at the puddle directly beneath the fall. With another tremor felt, the puddle vibrates. Another impact tremor and vibration, and the waterfall continues flowing*
Agent 4: What do you suppose could have done that?
*another, louder impact tremor*
Agent 2: Whatever it is, it’s coming this way.
Agent 1: Hurry, let’s get back!
*The men start running when they notice an enormous shadow cast over them. Agent 4 stops to look back and sees a monstrous hand reach down for him*
Agent 4: No! NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!
*Back at the Helicopter, Wilton and Dodgson here the men screaming and feel the Earth beneath them shaking intensely*
Wilton: Pilot! Get this helicopter ready for an immediate departure!
Dodgson: *to the technician* Whaddya see?
Tech: According to radar, the creature just ate one of your agents! Number 4!
Dodgson: The Embryos! Did they get the embryos!?
Tech: Yes! Yes they’ve retrieved the embryos, but the creature is closing in… OH MY GOD!
Dodgson: What?
Tech: It just ate Agent 2!
Dodgson: Was he carrying the--?
Tech: No, 3 has it. But it looks like he could be next. They should come into view right about…
*Agent 1 bursts out of the woods, and down the road for the Helicopter. Agent 3 is hot on his trail as there is something pursuing the Agents. And a moment later it pops into view. A huge scarred hand grabs agent 3 and stuffs him it’s gaping jaws! As it’s teeth close, Agent 3 sticks his arm out of it’s mouth, yells “CATCH!” to his partner and tosses the shaving cream can to Agent 1 while the teeth close down and sever his arm. Agent 1 rushes to the chopper where Dodgson looks out in amazement at the monster*
Dodgson: Holy crap! It’s Nedry!
*Indeed, it was the monstrous Dennis Nedry who, after being exposed to so much nuclear testing, grew into 20 foot 6 ton giant. Agent 1 handed Dodgson the can and tried to climb in*
Dodgson: NOW! TAKE OFF NOW! NOW! NOW!
*regarding Dodgson’s order, the pilot lifted off before Agent 1 could get in. He slipped, but barely grabbed on to the doorway. Nedry was now in grabbing distance of the Helicopter*
Agent 1: Mr. Dodgson! Help me, I’m slipping!
Dodgson: *holding the can* Sorry Agent, circle of life, ya know?
*Dodgson kicked Agent 1’s face and he fell into Nedry’s hand. His screams were drowned out by the whirring of Helicopter blades*
Dodgson: Ha ha! Mr. Fist, let’s celebrate!
Wilton: Yes, yes, I’ll break out the ice cream!
Tech: I don’t see what you guys are celebrating. You just lost 5 men back there.
Dodgson: No, we lost 6. Can’t you count?
Tech: Oh. Really? I thought there were only 5 agents.
Dodgson: Yeah, 5 agents and 1 technician who was no longer of any use to us.
*The tech is thrown out of the chopper. Back in San Diego, evening sets in and more people come into Styracosaurus Ugly. 3 of whom, are Ian Malcolm, his wife Sarah Malcolm and Nick Van Owen*
Ian: Alright, alright, I’ll pay for the, ah, drinks. Damn you.
Nick: I knew you would.
Sarah: Oh my goodness, Ian, isn’t that Alan Grant and Roland Tembo?
Ian: Ye-Yeah. Wow. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that fate has brought us together so that we could all endure a multitude of crazy dinosaurs adventures. And since I don’t know any better I will say that. Sarah. I’ve got a bad feeling--
Sarah: Oh, come on, Ian, it’s only coincidence. Roland!
Roland: *turns around* Dr. Harding, Dr. Malcolm and the Earth first bastard!
Alan: Ian!? What is this, a Jurassic Krap survivors reunion?
Ian: Either that, or, ah, God’s way of collecting us into another situation where many people die. Billy? Billy! How are the, ah, robotic body parts coming along?
Billy: Well, Dr. Malcolm, I’m still trying to figure out how to work some of these things. For example there’s this weird pulsing feeling I get in my robotic arm sometimes, and I just don’t know what it means.
Ian: Do you feel it right now?
Billy: Yeah.
Ian: *whips out the ‘How to turn dead people into Cyborgs’ manual* Ah, say “Pika Pika”.
Billy: Pika Pika? *Without warning, Billy’s robo-claw unleashes a bolt of electricity that sends Grant flying across the room* WHOA!
Alan: *cough* You got that right. Uhhhhhh…
Ian: You think that was wild, wait ‘til he, ah, learns how to shoot lasers out of his eyepiece.
Sarah: Say, have any of you guys seen Kelly? She works here now and we came to pick her up.
Kelly: *running up to Ian from behind* Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad! *hugs him*
Ian: *Noticing the tight red leather shorts, top and boots she’s wearing* Whoa there, hey, ah, Kelly. Oh my… what the…
Kelly: Did you come by to pick me up?
Ian: Yes, because, ah, I assumed you would be wearing something. Kelly, ah, what… what are you doing here? Like this?
Kelly: I’m an exotic dancer! Mrs. Kirby hired me!
Amanda: Hey, your kid has talent, Dr. Malcolm.
Sarah: Yes, as a gymnast! Kelly, we thought you were just waiting tables here so you could get through college.
Kelly: I do wait tables. When I’m not dancing
Ian: Do you get paid more?
Sarah: Ian!
Kelly: Absolutely.
Ian: Well, ah, regardless, sweetie, we don’t want you making money like this.
Kelly: But I’m 18! I can make my own decisions!
Sarah: You mean like that time you made that decision you made to have “XFL 4EVER” tattooed to your butt?
Kelly: I had it removed!
Ian: Ah, yeah, with MY money. Kelly, honey, I’m sorry, but as long as you live under our roof, you will abide by our oppressive iron fists.
Kelly: Yeah? Well maybe I don’t want to live with you guys anymore. Maybe I’m sick of living in ‘Wild Kingdom’.
Sarah: Oh? What’s that supposed to mean?
Ian: Ah, Sarah, you do own about 800 pets.
Sarah: They’re not pets. They’re my babies. So where will you live Kelly?
Kelly: Well…
Lex: You can live with me. I got an extra bedroom. It’ll be fun.
Kelly: Really? Cool! Hey, can we stop by my place to pick up some things when we finish work?
Lex: Yeah, sure. My brother’s driving by to pick us up.
Alan: Oh, Tim? How’s he been all this time?
Lex: Kind of depressed actually. He goes around grandpa’s mansion moping about feeling how he has no sense of purpose in life.
Billy: Wow, Lex. You come from a rich family, you’re a techno genius, and yet you’re a bartender/exotic dancer. I hope you don’t mind my asking, but why?
Lex: *seductively* Why? Are you complaining?
Billy: Uhhhhhhhhh… no?
Lex: Good. *pets Billy on the head* My reasons are mine alone. But if it’ll help you sleep at night, I’ve renounced my grandfather’s fortune because I’m happier off making my own dough.
Tim: *walking over* Then why do you always insist on having me pick you up in the limo?
Kelly: Timmy, hey, we didn’t see you come in.
Ian: Yeah, pull up a, ah, seat, Tim. Roland Tembo is arm wrestling Nick Van Owen.
Nick: *winning* Man… Roland… you must’ve gotten lazy… huh?
Roland: Say Greenpeace… I got a question…
Nick: Yeah…what?
Roland: When do we bloody start?
*Roland lifts his arm up at such a sPeed that he flips Nick over the table and slams his arm onto it*
Roland: What do you say, Dr. Malcolm? You next?
Ian: Ah, yeah. Why not?
*Meanwhile, back on BioSyn’s Helicopter, Wilton Fist is enjoying a delicious ice cream sundae with bananas, whipped cream and a cherry on top, while Dodgson finishes running tests on the embryos inside the can*
Wilton: So what news do you have for me, Lewis?
Dodgson: Well sir, desPite being exposed to heavy doses of radiation, these embryo samples are still useable. And with T.T.’s insta-cloner, we could have over 100 adult sPecimens by tomorrow morning.
Wilton: Ha Ha! Excellent! Here, Lewis, not only am I giving you a raise once we get back, but I shall make you a sundae right now!
Dodgson: Why thank you, Mr. Fist, I appreciate it. I’m just gonna put this equipment away.
Wilton: Yes, of course. *Wilton takes 3 scoops of Vanilla ice cream, lays two bananas on them, and reaches for the whipped cream which is RIGHT NEXT TO THE SHAVING CREAM CAN OF EMBRYOS! He mistakenly takes the wrong can and sPrays the shaving cream that’s been in the can for the past 8 years and followed by a strange gelatinous substance. Dodgson turns around as soon as Wilton puts the can back down and places the cherry on top*
Dodgson: *having some* Mmm, this stuff isn’t too bad. Except for the whipped cream. What’s the expiration date on that stuff?
Wilton: *picking the can back up* We shall see, it says that-- oops. Ha ha, I picked up the wrong can. How silly of me.
Dodgson: *looking alarmed* Mr. Fist, let me see that shaving cream can!
*Dodgson unscrews the top and notices that not only has it run out of shaving cream, but the tube labeled “Carnoratosaurus” is empty*
Wilton: What is it?
Dodgson: I’ve just eaten the shaving cream and Carnoratosaurus embryos! I’m gonna die of food poisoning!
Wilton: You fool! What have you done!
*Back at Styracosaurus Ugly…*
Lex: Hey boss? It’s almost 8. Can me and Kelly go home?
Amanda: Yeah, sure.
*Suddenly, Ian snaps Roland’s forearm in half*
Roland: Blimey! That smarts! You been lifting weights, Ian?
Ian: No, I, ah, just seem to have gotten stronger ever since I stepped out of my experimental teleportation pods.
Billy: You better hurry and get to a hosPital Mr. Tembo!
Roland: What? For this? Look now, it’s only a scratch. *his forearm dangles from ripped skin*
*Suddenly John Hammond bursts in wearing a cocktail dress acting panicked*
Hammond: Everybody! Get out of the bar! We’re being attacked by raptors from outer sPace!!!
Tim & Lex: GRANDPA!?
Alan: I thought he was committed.
Hammond: No time for that now, Dr. Grant! Everybody run for your lives, their sPaceship is landing!
Billy: Wow, this guy really is nuts!
Ian: Yes, but, ah, he’s being serious right now. Look out the window.
*Outside Styracosaurus Ugly, T.T.’s sPaceship lands and the raptors pile out. Limey steps into the Bar and Grill first and he is followed by the rest of the pack*
Ian: Man, do I hate being right all the time.
Limey: Oh bother. Did the elderly chap in the cocktail dress ruin the surprise?
Rapper: It’s a west night, and we got a appetite! We’ll have to fill our stomachs with these troglodytes!
Ian: Crude, but good word use.
Rapper: F*ck you!
Nick: So, you guys decided to join up with the Taliban and conquer America, didn’t you?
Limey: On the contrary. We filched their sPaceship to escape Afghanistan. *sits at the bar and addresses Lex* Bloody Mary, please. Extra Bloody.
Vanessa: Get set for danger!
Rupert: From a pair of--
Limey: No, no, don’t even bother. We’ve already introduced ourselves. Just, go eat some of the inhabitants of this bar.
*The raptors attack the bar flies and cause chaos*
Nick: So what are you lizards doing here, then?
Rapper: *bitch slapping Nick* Bitch, that’s our word for it! Don’t you ever lemme hear you say that again!
Limey: Actually, Mr. Van Owen, we came here to warn you.
Nick: Warn us about what?
Limey: *getting his drink* Thank you, Alexis. We came to notify you of BioSyn’s Plan B.
Alan: Which is what?
Limey: As we sPeak they are returning from Isla Nublar with a canister of Dinosaur embryos that endured the bombings of the island. Once they arrive, they will clone vast armies of every saurian sPecies that dwelled in Jurassic Krap.
Ian: Ah, wow. And after they nuked that island twice, those embryos, they, ah, must be radioactive by now.
Limey: Reasonably.
Alan: So what are we worried about? Embryos exposed to that much radiation would die a hundred times over.
Ian: And, ah, you really think that’s going to happen instead of thousands of radioactive dinosaurs rampaging across America?
Nick: Well, isn’t that what’s most likely.
Sarah: Don’t count on it, we live in a sci-fi parody universe. Radiation doesn’t kill, it mutates.
Alan: And it’ll contaminate every other life form on the planet.
Ian: My God, a radioactive Taliban! That’s just, ah, ridiculous enough to happen.
Nick: Whoa, guys, hold on a second. Why should we even believe anything that this raptor tells us? In case you’ve forgotten, his sPecies want to eradicate us from the planet! Hell, they’re even killing off all the unimportant people in this bar!
*Lex notices Tim about to be attacked by Velocirapper*
Lex: Timmy! No!
Tim: Agh! Please don’t kill me!
Limey: Rapper! For God’s sake, old chap, I said kill all the irrelevant characters. Don’t you know who that is?
Rapper: Man, how the hell should I? They all look alike to me!
Limey: That’s little Tim Murphy. The young boy from Nublar?
Rapper: No shit? Aw, man you’re right! I remember you. YOU’S THE LITTLE SHORTY THAT LOCKED MY ASS IN A FREEZER! Yo Limey, can I at least put a beat down on this li’l fool?
Limey: Very well, just refrain from slaying him. Now where was I?
Tim: Wait! Don’t hurt me, I’ll give you money!
Rapper: This ain’t about no Benjamins, baby!
Tim: Um, a little help here? Anybody!
Roland: *wraps his broken arm up in a ripped piece of his sleeve while fighting off two raptors with a pool club* Love to help you out bloke, but I’ve literally got my hands tied!
Billy: Same here! Pika Pika! *Billy’s lightening bolt blasts Team Raptor out the window*
Team Raptor: WE’RE BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAAIN!
Rapper: Can’t nobody save you now, can’t nobody hold me back! Oh no! I’ve got you where I want you!
Kelly: Hey you!
*Tim and Rapper look at Kelly whose sPinning on the dance pole faster and faster. Her sPeed keeps accelerating until finally she flies off the pole straight at Rapper and kicks him out the window*
Rapper: oh no
Limey: So, in summation, they are using a corporate sPy named Lewis Dodgson to create a clone army for the Taliban.
Hammond: Begun this clone war has!
Limey: Well, the hour grows late and now, my entourage and I must part.
Nick: One more question. If you guys know about this, than why do you need us to stop them?
Valleygirlraptor: Duh. Cuz we’re like, busy plotting our own scheme to wipe out humankind, loser!
Limey: Come everybody, back to the ship! We’re off to sunny Cancun!
Raptors: YAAAY!
*The raptors climb back into the sPaceship carrying severed human limbs for snacks. The entrances close and the sPaceship takes off, leaving behind the survivors in the busted up Bar and Grill*
Amanda: Oh no! My beautiful new establishment! It’s ruined. Absolutely ruined.
Roland: Now, don’t you worry, love. I’m sure that with a little elbow grease, some 2X4’s, two new windows, and a place to bury all these eviscerated bodies, you’ll be back in business in no time.
Nick: Well, I hate to put things into persPective you guys, but we’ve got bigger problems now.
Hammond: That’s right! Somebody has to change my daipie!
*Everybody stares at Hammond momentarily*
Tim: Nick is right. We have to stop BioSyn from breeding those embryos while we have the chance. Or by this time next week, we could be overrun by nuclear dinosaurs!
Ian: Good idea. Yeah, you guys save the world. I’m going to bed. This was one, ah, crazy night.
Alan: You’ve got it. Besides, I have to wake up bright and early to see my son tomorrow.
Lex: Wow, I didn’t know you had a son, Dr. Grant.
Alan: Well I do. Ellie just won’t admit to it.
Billy: Man, that bitch has got to face the truth one of these days.
Nick: Ok, guys? Back to topic here. I’m going to shut down BioSyn while there’s still time. Now you guys can either help me or just go on moping with your sad lives. Whose with me?
Alan: I’m sorry Mr. Van Owen, but I’d like it very much if I never saw another dinosaur again. Especially a radioactive one.
Billy: Besides, we’d just slow you down. You’d be better off without us.
Kelly: I’ve gotta move all my stuff to Lex’s place.
Sarah: I’ve got 900 animals to feed.
Roland: I believe I’ve sPent enough time in the company of death.
*Everybody takes another look at all the body parts scattered and sPlattered all over the place*
Amanda: I’ve got to clean this place up.
Bar fly: And I’ve got to turn over a new leaf. You see, everybody, this experience has taught me something. That maybe there is a greater plan at work here. I mean, I’ve never been to one of those Jurassic Krap islands you guys are always talking about, and I am by all means unimportant to your lives. Yet, I survived that massacre along with the rest of you guys when I should have died. If anything, I was an asshole to you all. But here I am. I’m alive and let me tell ya, I’m a changed man! For the first time in my life, it’s all clear. THINGS DO HAPPEN FOR A REASON!
*At that moment, the Raptors’ sPaceship crashes down through the ceiling of the Bar and squashes the bar fly*
Ian: Yup. And fate is, ah, one cruel bitch, let me tell you.
*A moment of silence passes and then, voices are heard from inside the ship*
Limey: Alright! Whose turn was it refill the gas tank? Vestite, it was yours, wasn’t it?
Vestiteciraptor: Guilty as charged!
Rapper: So what do we do now?
*The humans just watch the ship and listen*
Limey: To the Raptorcycles!
*Suddenly, the doors on the ship open and a score of motorcycles fly out with the velociraptors riding them. The humans jump out of the way as the raptors drive out the exit*
Rapper: Move, bitch! Get out the way! Get out the way, bitch! Get out the way!
*Everybody gets back up to see the raptors ride off into the city*
Amanda: Well, so much for my Grand opening.
*Meanwhile, at BioSyn HQ, conveniently located 2 miles away, Mr. Fist’s chopper sets down on the roof’s helipad. He and the pilot step out carrying Dodgson by the shoulders where they are met by security guards*
Dodgson: *breathing heavily* Call… an ambulance…
Wilton: And blow our cover? Lewis are you out of your mind? Why would you possibly need a doctor that knows nothing of your condition when we have some of the top geneticists in the world right here in this building!
*Moments later…*
Dr. Henry Wu: So let me get this straight, he ate ice cream that was contaminated with radioactive shaving cream and dinosaur embryos?
*Dr. Wu is addressing Wilton Fist in his cutting edge laboratory where Dodgson is strapped to a table, sweating, shaking and breathing heavily*
Wilton: Yes, eh, Lewis? What were those embryos you ate?
Dodgson: Carno… Carnora… Carnoratosaurus…
Wu: Ah, Carnoratosaurus. *Wu aims a remote at a screen where the image of a Carnoratosaurus appears* A medium sized theropod of incredible strength, aggressive behavior and unmatched color coordination abilities. We sPliced them with Cuttlefish DNA to improve that trait about a decade ago and the results were amazing. Not only could Carnoratosaurus camouflage it’s self to near invisibility, but it could create realistic images and patterns on it’s body.
Wilton: Interesting. But tell me, Wu. Can you save him?
Wu: From what? Becoming mutant with human intelligence and all the characteristics I just described in the Carnoratosaurus? Sure. I got the antidote right here! *pulls out a syringe*
Wilton: Now wait a moment, Wu. Are you telling me that I can have an agent in my company that can turn invisible, or take on the appearance of other people?
Wu: Yeah, you’d pretty much have a perfect assassin. Unless of course he went insane and turn on you. *looks at Dodgson who is unconscious and foaming* Awww, wook at da widdow Cownowatosauwus mutant going beddy bye!
Wilton: *takes a bite out of a kielbasa, pulls the syringe out of Wu’s hand and throws it away* There was no cure, Dr. Wu. Mr. Dodgson will just have to come to terms with his dreadful accident.
Wu: Um, sir, I don’t follow. You just threw the antidote out of my hand, I can still--
Wilton: Shut Up! There Was No Cure!
Wu: Ohhh, you mean like a cover up type thing?
Wilton: Yes like a cover up type thing! Now tell me Wu, how quickly can you create a first wave of dinosaur clones?
Wu: Well, that would depend on the condition of the embryos you got.
Wilton: See for yourself. *gives Wu the Shaving cream can. Wu investigates the contents*
Wu: Hmm. I can clone10 adults of a single sPecies within the hour. What about… *pulls out a tube* Dilophosaurus.
Wilton: Excellent! It certainly is lucky that we live in THE FUTURE!
Wu: IN THE YEAR 2002!
*They both laugh maniacally into the night*
2 B continued...
8/22/2002 12:43:02 PM
(Updated: 8/25/2002 9:20:15 PM)
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