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Jurassic Krap: The characters
By CeratosPit
Dr. Alan Grant: (dinosaurologist) Poor Alan Grant. All that this world renowned paleontologist wants to do is get on with his life and never see another dinosaur as long as he lives. Sadly, he seems to come across them every week or so. Even though he’s been retired ever since he sued Paul Kirby, his life is anything but relaxed as his past continues to haunt him. Alan has more sense than any of the other characters and is usually the voice of reason in the gang.
Billy Brennan: (protégé cyborg) Billy is Dr. Grant’s “padawan”. After he was ripped apart by the monsters of Jurassic Krap, Dr. Malcolm rebuilt him into a cyborg. He used to be bisexual, and still possibly is. Billy’s mechanical left arm can shoot bolts of electricity and his robotic eye can shoot lasers, record films, and do various other things.
Dr. Ian Malcolm: (sarcastic genius) DesPite being one of the most brilliant scientists on the planet, Ian Malcolm seems to take all his problems in life half jokingly. With an arsenal of sarcastic resPonses and a vast knowledge of chain reactions, ripple effects and chaos theory, Dr. Malcolm’s ability to foresee how things will turn out in the end borders on creepy.
Dr. Sarah Malcolm: (animal lover) Ian’s zoologist wife just loves animals to death. Sometimes literally. Sarah has over 900 pets at home which she often coddles and dresses up in cute little outfits. Unlike the rest of the gang, she always jumps at the chance to return to the Jurassic Krap islands and hopefully add a new critter to her menagerie.
Kelly Malcolm: (limber acrobat) Ian’s very limber and double jointed daughter is a born gymnast. This nimble young lady could kick a raptor through a window. Too bad she never made any of the teams at school .(It’s cuz she was black) Luckily, Kelly Malcolm found a job at ‘Styracosaurus Ugly’ where she could use and exercise her flexible talents.
Lex Murphy: (technician hottie) Lex is John Hammond’s sexy Granddaughter. She’s been developing her mad hacker skills since she was 5 and can easily gain access to sPy satellites with nothing more than a toaster and a set of headphones. With this forte, one might wonder why she’s an exotic dancer instead of a government agent. But really, who cares?
Tim Murphy: (secret identity) When Lewis Dodgson’s radioactive Dilophosaurus escaped, John Hammond’s rich grandson Tim was the first victim of it’s mutated venom sPit. But instead of dying, Tim was blessed with the incredible strength, sPeed and multipurpose saliva of the Dilophosaurus. The only curse in this myriad of gifts? Radiation induced impotence.
John Hammond: (crazy old dude) The creator of Jurassic Krap is as insane as he is insanely wealthy. sPending most of his time over at the mental institution, Hammond occasionally breaks out to join the gang on their many crazy adventures in a coctail dress. He’s also the only person who knows that Tim is really sPitter-Man. Luckily he’s a stark raving lunatic.
Roland Tembo: (tough guy) Roland is one of those manly men who reeks of too much testosterone. He loves hunting, explosions, drinking booze and beating the crap out of guys who use foul language in front of a lady. This former big game hunter can put a Tricycloplotz in a headlock with one hand tied down.
Amanda Kirby: (MILF) After divorcing her idiot husband and bratty son, Amanda did the whole ‘Independent Women’ thing and opened up her own business; “Styracosaurus Ugly”, a bar and grill with exotic dancers. She hired Lex and Kelly as her dancer waitresses whom she sees as her pupils. She also loves her son Eric, she just doesn’t care about him.
Paul Kirby: (village idiot) Ever since Alan Grant sued him for the Jurassic Krap incident, Paul has been a penniless dad whose always looking for a new line of work. Unfortunately, his idiocy gets him fired every time. Not that it gets this happy go lucky fellow with an IQ of 55 down. He rather likes living in a cardboard box in the alley.
Eric Kirby: (brat) Eric is the poster boy for desPerately horny 14 year old boys who never get any. But that’s only where his problems begin. He’s dirt poor, his dad’s a moron, and he’s constantly bombarded with bad luck. He would sell his mother out at the drop of a hat for a cheeseburger. Hey, a kid’s gotta eat.
Nick Van Owen: (man of mystery) He used to be John Hammond’s corporate sPy before the old man went nuts. Now he’s a freelancer whose notorious for bringing down major corporations with the help of his video cameras. Nick is the group’s Ladies Man, although he never seems to get any from the females characters. And he’s got a Jetpack too!
Ellie Degler: (group bitch) Gone is the sweet Paleobotanist next door we all fell in love with the first time. Now she’s something of a bitch on wheels who is constantly trying to have Grant arrested for sneaking over and hanging out with her son, Charlie. She might still have feelings for her old friend, but all she wants now is to get on with her new life.
Mark Degler: (he’s just there) Ellie’s hopelessly bland husband.
Charlie Degler: (foul mouthed toddler) Charlie is Ellie’s 2-year old son, and possibly Alan’s, although his mother is happier off not knowing. Little Charlie is developing a foul mouth as he seems to pick up curse words faster than anything else. His first sentence was “Suck my muthaf**king c**k, you grimy-ass dips**t!”
The Malcolm boys: (party animals) Ian’s 3, 19 year old, black sons, Shonte, Jamaal & Lee Harvey are all half brothers conceived by Dr. Malcolm at a 4-way back in Compton in ‘83. Nearly as brilliant as their father, these clowns still have a lot of fun bangin’ hoes, roastin’ blunts and gettin’ their ride on in Nick Van Owen’s Escalade.
The Bad Guys
Lewis Dodgson/ The Crimson Carno: BioSyn’s top corporate sPy was already evil enough before a terrible accident involving an irradiated Ceratotaur embryo turned him into a reptilian monster. Now, as the Crimson Carno, Lewis Dodgson has enhanced strength, a thirst for blood amazing color coordination abilities that enable him to mimic the form of other humans or become invisible at will.
Wilton Fist: The enormous CEO of BioSyn has many a skeleton in his closet. Aside from the fact that around 5 of his employees seem to die everyday, his corporation supports the Taliban and engineers terrible mutant dinosaurs which he plans to use to take over the world!
Dr. Henry Wu: Henry is not really a bad guy, he just works for them. As the world’s top geneticist, Wu lost his job when InGen went belly-up and was hired by BioSyn staff, where he has access to the most advanced technology in the world. Still, his sunny, and rather effeminate disPosition tends to annoy his employers who are all evil.
T.T. the Taliban Terroristrial: An evil alien with an unknown background, T.T. is fiercely loyal to his master, Osaddam Bin Hitler. When BioSyn joined forces with the Taliban, the little alien supplied the evil corporation with advanced technology. Not only is T.T. handy with an AK-47, his incredible powers of levitation make him a force to be reckoned with!
Osaddam Bin Hitler: The Evilest Man Alive! This unholy fusion of three twisted men will stop at nothing to rule mankind with a fist of steel! It’s too bad he’s got really bad Karma, or else he might actually get away with it.
Dennis Nedry: When Isla Nublar was nuked (twice) by the US military, the bombings turned it’s only human survivor
into a 2-story monster with an insatiable appetite. Dennis’ fecal matter is also the most powerful fertilizer known to man. Only a few months after Nublar was bombed, did the flora grow back, richer then ever. Tiring of vegetation, though, Dennis bounced over to Isla Burrito when his hunger for dinosaurs and humans wouldn’t go away.
Uber-Troodon: The psychic and psychotic mastermind behind the hordes of deadly Troodons. He can read minds as well as control them, which makes him all the more deadly. His thought waves, however may be cancelled out with supersonic sound waves. Uber-Troey’s also got a personal vendetta against Velimeyraptor.
Dinosaurs sPecies
The Velociraptors: Not only are they easily as smart as humans, each one’s personality represents a cultural stereotype. There is an aristocratic British raptor just as there is a gang-bangin’ ghetto raptor. This pack sPends as much time on Isla Burrito as they do in their San Diego vacation home where they like to try and enslave humankind.
Tyrannosaurus rexes: A laid back sPecies of huge theropods who like to chill on the island and eat it’s various inhabitants.
sPykosaurs: The Godzilla ‘98-esquelargest carnivores in Jurassic Krap who enjoy picking fights with other dinosaurs and terrorizing humans. Not too smart though…
Tricycloplotzes: Large ceratopsians who travel in herds on oversized tricycles and have fun stampeding.
Stegosaurs: sPike-tailed herbivores that are too stupid to survive.
Smurfosaurs: The smallest dinosaurs on Jurassic Krap live in houses carved out of large mushrooms. Smurfies live in colonies with about 150 males and 2 females. They all have distinct personalities but can synchronize their minds to become a massive blue swarm of killers like bees do.
Ankylosaurs: The most indestructible dinosaurs on the island. If a nuclear war broke out on Isla Burrito, only Ankylosaurs and cockroaches would survive.
Ceratotaurs: This powerful, carnivorous sPecies of pack hunting dinosaur can turn invisible at will and sneak up on their prey without making a sound. Better pack those heat vision goggles!
Dilophosaurs: The rival sPecies of pack hunters to the Ceratotaurs. Dilophosaurs can sPit their multipurpose saliva at an enemy 200 feet away! Their sPit can come out as an adhesive, a burning acid, an oily lubricant, a solidifying liquid, a rubbery elastic, a disabling venom and bubbles filled with knock-out gas.
Gungamimids: Stupid, crazy, clumsy and annoying are only a few adjectives one can use to describe this wacky sPecies who seem to epitomize toilet humor. No wonder Paul Kirby has one as a pet.
Poopycephalosaurs: These dinosaurs have big hard asses topping off their craniums. They aren’t as annoying as the Gungies, but they sure are more disgusting!
Brachiosaurs: The most gigantic animal on the planet is prone to levitating and stepping on things. They are a mile high and weigh 1500 tons. If an adult is exposed to massive doses of radiation, the imminent explosion could take out half the planet!
Big Birds: Ferocious bionic techno-organic muppets designed after the beloved character of Children’s programming. Big Birds are airborne hunters with serrated beaks, sharp fingertips and very round toes. They are programmed to raise cyborg Elmos as their own offsPring.
Parasaurs: An abundant sPecies of duckbilled herbivores that throws parties on the island.
Wolverinosaurus: A bizarre bipedal herbivore with 6 foot long metal claws.
Pteranodactyls: Huge flying reptiles that chill with the big birds.
Troodons: A creepy, albino sPecies of Raptor that live in the Underground caves of Isla Burrito. They hate bright lights, but relish killing and eating prey. These predators have survived underground for so long by adopting cannibalistic lifestyles. Different breeds of Troodons sPecialize in different niches in the group.
Dinosaur characters
Velimeyraptor: This reptilian mastermind sPeaks with a British accent and rules with a velvet glove. As the Alpha Male Velociraptor on Jurassic Krap, he is a wise and benevolent leader of his sPecies. So much so, that whenever he tries to bring about the extinction of human kind, it’s in the most courteous way he can think of.
Velocirapper: Limey’s right hand raptor and thugged out best friend is a lyrical artist. Rapper’s got an attitude that makes him all the more intimidating to the humans he hunts down. He hates the current dominant sPecies of Earth and shares in his homeboy’s passion for killing them off.
Team Raptor: This trusted trio of trappers builds overly elaborate traps or weapons of mass destruction to capture and crush the human scum. The 3 members are Vanessa, a self absorbed female, Rupert, an poetic male, and Smurth, a Smurfosaur who answers “damn straight!” to everything.
Velocirasta: She is the pack’s medical raptor and has created a cure for just about everything out of the immense quantities of Marijuana on Isla Burrito. Velocirasta may not be a licensed practitioner, but why go to medical school when she can lie around and watch sPongebob Squarepants?
Emirilociraptor: BAM! He’s the raptors’ culinary Cajun with about 200 recipes for meals made out of humans. Particular favorites are Human Burgers, Sapien Stew, Primate Pizza and Soylent Green.
Valleygirlraptor: She’s like, the ultra cute raptor chick whose only regret about being a bloodthirsty killer is that blood isn’t pink. Like, Ohmygod!
Velatinaraptor: Novia de Velocirapper que puede hablar solamente español.
T-rex: The T-rex the gang rescued in Jurassic Krap 3 has gone scavenger. After his near death experience, he doesn’t believe in killing his prey anymore so he just kinda goes around the island beating the crap out of other predators and stealing their kills. He’s one of the few dinosaurs that has made friends with the humans and will gladly help them try to get off the island. Which doesn’t happen to often.
The Smurfies: Sarah’s four pet Smurfosaurs. There’s the always inebriated Drunky Smurfosaur, the sexually seductive Horny Smurfosaur, the vigilant viewer Tube Junkie Smurfosaur, and the dirty dancer, Groovy Smurfosaur.
Poo Poo Tinkles: After Paul Kirby apologized to this moronic Gungamimus, Poo Poo owed him his life according to Gungamimus law. He is now Paul’s beloved pet whom everybody else seems to desPise.
10/16/2002 10:33:32 AM
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