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Jurassic Krap 3: part 15
By CeratosPit
Last Time...
Leaving behind a laboratory of muppets, our heros Alan Grant, Billy Brennan, Paul, Amanda and Eric Kirby stepped out onto a foggy balcony on the middle of the cliff-face. All that was visible beyond this were various fences and bars*
Paul: Um, guys? I don't usually get ideas very often, but something tells me that this isn't a good one.
Amanda: Honey, that's the smartest thing you said in 14 years.
Eric: What did he say 14 years ago?
Amanda: Let's try birth control. Not that it worked or anything...
Grant: Right, let's get out of here.
*Grant sets his foot back in the elevator. But it has been so long without maintenance, that the cord snaps and the thing plummets hundreds of feet below onto some sharp rocks*
Paul: In that case, I don't think it would be wise to take those rusty old stairs
*The rusty old stairs collapse too, as if in resPonse to Mr.Kirby's comment. Grant looks around. At the edge of the balcony, there's a walkway. Grant steps towards it. He firmly grabs the handrail*
Grant: This looks sturdy enough. I'm going to cross it first to make sure it's safe.
Billy: *trying to forget the past incident* I'm right behind you.
Grant: Noooo... Amanda's next since she's the only one physically incapable of doing anything to me from "right behind".
Billy: Oh, get over yourself.
*Grant walks off into the mist*
Eric: Aw man, I don't like fog! 8 years ago, our boat driver disappeared in that stuff and was never seen again!
Grant: *from other side* Okay, Mrs.Kirby, it's safe!
Amanda: *to Eric* Don't worry honey, mommy's not gonna disappear. She just has to cross first and make sure it's safe ok?
Eric: Anything to save your own ass, huh mom?
Amanda: Hey, at least I'm TRYING to sound concerned. *she walks off* brat.
Paul: Oh, hey billy, Grant forgot to put this back in your bag. *Hands Billy a purple thong*
Billy: Oh yeah, that SOB still has my bag! Um, listen, Mr.Kirby, you're not gonna tell anybody about this--
Paul: Relax. You're talking to a guy that wears a bra!
Billy: Cool. Hey, is there a bathroom around here anywhere? I really need to use one.
Amanda: Eric! Come on over!
Eric: Well, here I go...
Paul: Good luck son. Try not to get snatched up by any flying monsters!
*Eric walks off into the fog. Meanwhile, Amanda notices Dr.Grant studying the area. Alan picks up a small purple puppet with the letters CTW printed on it. Nearby, Eric continues crossing the walkway when he feels a sudden jolt on the handrail*
Grant: Oh my God...
Amanda: What is it?
Grant: It's the Children's Television Workshop!
*Back on the catwalk, Eric Kirby sees a large, yet humanlike figure*
Eric: Louie Anderson?
*Then, like out of a nightmare, Big Bird steps up to him with his arm/wings raised and beak open. This big bird is physically similar to the one on Sesame street, except for much angrier eyes and a beak lined with sharp teeth. Eric Turns around and screams, but by this time, Big Bird is airborn! The Mega muppet grabs the boy's shoulders with his round toes and lifts him up into the air*
ERIC: MOM! DAD! SpIDER-MAN! ANYBODY, HELP ME!
*Paul and Billy cross the walkway and chase after him on another catwalk*
Paul: ERIC!
*They all see Big Bird flying along the side of the cliff, flapping those little arm/wings, and drop him into a nest of giggling Elmos. Eric laughs in horror as they tickle him. Grant runs to see if there's anyway of saving the poor boy (or himself). He then notices Billy standing on a handrail*
Grant: Billy?
*Billy looks back at him with a little resentment. Grant knows what his ex-best friend is about to do*
Grant: Billy stop! Don't Billy!!!
*Billy unzips his pants*
Grant: Don't piss in the river! You'll introduce harmful new chemicals into the ecosystem!!!
*But he is too late. Billy takes his leak of faith. Grant stops at the handril and bumps into it, trying to stop his friend. Instead he knocks Billy (who zipping his fly back up) over the edge. Waving his arms around, Billy snatches his hat and falls*
Grant: Billy! Hat! NOOOOOOOOO!!!
*As Billy falls, he grabs either side of hat which expands and becomes a parachute. He drifts down safely. Grant, meanwhile, runs towards another walkway (this one is covered by a fence)followed by the Kirbys*
Paul: We have to save Eric!
Grant: Screw Eric! We have to get my hat back!
*But they are all stopped dead in their tracks when another Big Bird steps into their path. He slowly advances towards the three humans who slowly back away*
Grant: *getting an idea* Please have nuts! *WHAM! Grant kicks Big bird in the nuts and the muppet monster skrawks in pain* YES! *Creeeeeeaaakkk! The walkway starts to give into their combined weight*
*Meanwhile, Eric leaps from one weathered rocky uprising to another covered in Elmos tickling him all over*
Eric: HAHA STOP HA HA THAT HA HA TICKLES!
*Just then, Billy swoops down with the hat-achute and extends a foot for Eric to grab onto*
Billy: Eric! Grab My Foot!
Eric: Thanks, Bill-oof!
*(Un?)intentionally, Billy kicks Eric in the face and knocks the boy and his Elmos into the river 100 feet below*
Billy: Oopsy Daisy. *casually whistles a tune*
*Eric and the Elmos sPlash into the raging river below. Moments later, Eric resurfaces and takes a deep breath of relief*
Eric:I MADE IT! I'M ALIVE!
*CRASH! The walkway the Grant, the Kirby's and a Big Bird falls and crashes onto Eric. Waist deep in water, Grant is beating the crap out of Big Bird and the Kirbys look disappointedly into the water belows. Eric is unconsious beneath the walkway*
Amanda: Eric! Just what do you think you're doing oung man?
Paul: Honestly boy, going for a swim at a time like this!
*Elsewhere, Billy lands safely on the ground and the hat returns to it's normal size. He looks behind him, as a ferocious Big Bird lands, pulls out a gun and shoots him in the chest. Billy falls back into the river*
Big Bird: Dick.
*Grant and Paul finally reache the exit of the Aviary. They open the heavy door and try to close it just as Amanda and Eric run out*
Grant: Close...the...gate...Mr.Kirby...
Amanda: Now!
*As soon as they shut the door and lock it, a pair of Big Birds crash into it and try to break out*
Grant: Hah! That door is solid steel! There's no way they can escape!
Eric: Not even through that gaping hole in the cage? *points to a hole, 10 feet away from them. The Big Birds start to climb out*
Grant: I'm cursed aren't I?
2/19/2002 12:17:48 PM
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