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Jurassic Krap 3; part 12
By CeratosPit
Eric carried Grant through the treetops for a couple of minutes until they came to a metal garbage can lying on it's side. Eric uncovers the lid and slides in. Grant is reluctant to follow, but eventually slides in himself. To his surprise, the interior is roomy and lavishly furnished. Eric steps into the bathroom to change from his loincloth into his civilian clothes.
Grant: Nice place.
Eric: Thanks. When I found it there was something already living in here. I had to kill before it could do the same to me.
Grant: *stepping over an Oscar-the-Grouch-skin rug* By the way, Eric, I never got to thank you for saving me.
Eric: *stepping into the living rooom* How do you know my name?
Grant: Well, we WERE just singing your theme song.
Eric: Oh, riiiiight.
Grant: Also, the fact that your crazy parents kidnapped me and brought me here against my will to find you gave me a hint.
Eric: Imagine having to live with them for 6 years. You hungry?
Grant: What have you got?
*Later we see Eric carving up a roasted Protoceratops with an apple in it's mout as Grant scrapes old beans out of a can*
Grant: So, mmm, have you read Malcolm's book?
Eric: "How to ruin the most anticipated sequel in movie history"?
Grant: No no. Ian Malcolm's book. Not Kelly's.
Eric: Oh yeah. I have it right here...
*Eric turns around in his chair to reach for the book. As he looks away, Grant picks up a bottle of Lemon Gatorade, and in his thirst, drinks half the contents of the bottle*
Grant: Hmm. How old is this Gatorade?
Eric: That's not Gatorade, that's T-rex sPerm!
Grant: *sPitting the semen onto Eric's face* I just drank half a bottle of T-rex man-seed!?
Eric: Yeah. You wanna know how I got it?
Grant: Definitely not.
Eric: You sure?
Grant: Positive.
Eric: Pleeeease?
Grant: No.
Eric: Oh, fine, I'll just... Ssh. You hear that?
Grant: Hear what?
Eric: Smurfs!
*Eric climbs to the entrance of the Garbage can and shuts the lid as wild smurfs run amok outside*
Papa Smurf: Hurry my little smurfs! The dilophosaurs are after us agian, and they'll smurf us right up!
Jokey: Hey, Grouchy smurf, I have something to Smurfess. I smurfed your sister!
Grouchy: Smurf you, mothersmurfer!
Brainy: Smurfs! Stop fighting or we'll--*sPlat*
*Brainy is hit by sPitter venom and eaten. A couple of hours later, Night becomes dawn and Paul, Billy and Amanda wake up in the tree.*
Billy: That was greeeeeaaaaat.
*Later, they all climb down the tree and decide where to go*
Amanda: So, where do we go now?
Billy: *pulling out a map* Well. We can either keep going west and cross a rickety old rope bridge that dangles over a Tarpit, then climb down into the inescapeable gorge of the flesh-eating cockroaches, and hang a left at the swamp of death. 5 days later we'd wind up right back over here. OR we can head north and reach the coast in a half an hour.
Paul: Is there a bathroom along the way?
Billy: There's one around the swamp of death.
Amanda: Oh, for Heaven's sake, let's just head North!
*And so, the trio heads on. Meanwhile, in Eric's garbage can, he and Dr.Grant wake up*
Grant: Well, come on Eric. We have to find your parents and get off this island.
Eric: Whoa, hold up. I'm not leaving the island!
Grant: Whaaaaa...?
Eric: I don't wanna go back. This island is my home!
Grant: Eric, come on. Think logically! You can either go home to your lunatic parents until you get a low-paying, middle class job to pay off alimony and child support from your 3 divorced wives and put a gun to your head at the age of 47, OR you can stay here on a secluded tropical paradise inhabited by the most majestic animals to ever walk the Earth and find the inner peace that you have lived with most people only dream of!
Eric: Well, Gee, when you put it that way...
Grant: Don't you have any friends you miss?
Eric: I have a friend here. *points to the bubble headed robot in the kitchen*
Robot: Hey stud, what's cookin'.
Eric: You better be, bitch! Where's my breakfast!?
Grant: Fine! Don't go home! But if you stay here, you'll die a virgin.
*2.5 seconds later*
Eric: Wow, Dr.Grant. I sure am glad you talked me out of staying in this remote hellhole!
Grant: Consider it a favor. Now, I told you parents to head for the coast, so if we keep going this way, we should run into them.
Eric: Are you sure that's wise? The closer you get to water, the bigger things get.
Grant: Psh. That's stupid.
*Meanwhile, not too far away, Billy and the Kirby folks were collecting water from a shallow river. But Billy's shoulders, chest, chin and 'bulge' were massive, as were Amanda's lips, breasts and ass, and Paul's fat stomach and ass*
Amanda: Can we go now?
Billy: Sure, just as soon as Paul finishes filling up his canteen. And Bladder.
Paul: *drinking straight from the river* Sorry. I'm just really thirsty!
*He stands back up and rips a Loud Fart which echoes throught the island* Sorry.
*And not too far off, Grant and Eric hear the call of the flatulent*
Eric: Dad? DAD!!!
Paul: *hearing him from across the jungle* ERIC!?
Amanda: ERIC!
*The two parties follow each others' call until they finally unite on either side of a giant fence. Billy and Grant hug and pat each other's back through the bars and Eric tries to hug his dad. Paul, instead chokes Eric "Homer Simpson style"*
Paul: YOU ROTTEN LITTLE BASTARD! IF YOU EVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS AGAIN I'LL BLOW YOUR F*CKING HEAD OFF! YOU UNDERSTAND YOU LITTLE SON OF A BITCH!?
Amanda: *smacks Paul upside the head causing him to release his grip* Don't call me a Bitch! *To Eric* Oh, sweety, mommy's missed you so much! Are you okay?
Eric: I'm fine, I missed you guys too. Let's celebrate!
Paul: Oh, Alright. I can't stay mad at you! Let me order some Pizza Hut. *reaches for his satellite phone and discovers it's not there* Well that odd. Where's my phone?
Grant: When did you use it last?
Paul: I lent it to Nash while we were plummeting into the sandwich. Oh my God. But if he had it last then that would mean--
*Paul is interrupted by the melody of his phone as it resonates from the throat of the sPykosaurs standing 3 feet behind him...*
2 B Continued...
2/8/02 11:36:16 PM
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