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InGen University p8
By CeratosPit
Chap 8
“I’m sorry, gentlemen, but that’s against museum policy.” Dr. Harding apologized.
“But Dr. Harding, if we are to ensure the success of our merrymaking, we must hang these flyers everywhere we can. And what better place to appeal to our the in-crowd of our campus than the Museum of Big Dead Things?” Peter Ludlow pleaded.
Dr. Harding rubbed his forehead as he stepped away from his desk. His office wasn’t very big but it was homey. “Listen fellows…” Gerry said while escorting Peter, Donald, Dennis, Henry and Ben out of his office. “Firstly, we’re closing in an hour. Second, desPite what you might think, the museum isn’t exactly a hot sPot of popular people. THEY are all on sPring break. And finally, why are you asking me of all people? I’m just a tour guide whose been working here for a day. The inebriated janitor is in charge. Go ask him.”
“Well, sir, we asked you because we’re more familiar with each other.” Henry explained whilst leaving the office.
“Really?” Dr. Harding wondered. “I didn’t know I was affiliated with the Mathletes.”
“We’re not the Mathletes!” Donald protested. “We’re the local fraternity!”
Gerry Harding chuckled. “Yeah, sure you are.” And he shut the door in their faces.
“Well that was a bust.” Dennis Nedry told his brethren. “Maybe we should just screw the party and rent some pornos.”
“How about we watch graphic videos of women giving birth via C-section?” Ben suggested. A moment later he was smacked upside the head by Dennis.
“I can’t believe this!” Peter exclaimed in disgust. “Is that what we’re going to do? Just--just give up!?”
“It’s what we’re known for.” Henry reminded their leader.
“No! Gentlemen, tonight marks the turning point in our lives where we stop being a bunch of babies, and become a manly clan of men! We are not going to bed tonight, chronically masturbating as we always do! Donald, Henry, Dennis, Ben, mark my words when I tell you that tonight, the Delta Iota Kappa brotherhood will get laid! By ANY means necessary! Whose with me!?” Peter asked, topping his sPeech. But before his frat brothers could answer, a loud crash was heard rocking the other side of the museum and peter jumped into Ben’s arms, screaming like a little girl.
“Great Scott!” Dr. Harding shouted as he swung his door back open. “What was that!?”
“It sounded like an airplane crashing into the food court.” Dennis pondered.
“Damn!” Gerry cursed. “I told Pitt that those airplane fuel slushees were a bad idea! Lets go!”
Later, at the Egyptian wing, that ancient mummy Imhotep awoke from his ancient slumber with a sPine melting roar. Said roar came to a sudden halt and with a cough, the mummy sPoke in his ancient tongue, “Hooey! Ten thousand years will give you SUCH a CRICK in the NECK!” He then turned his attention to Burke, whose pants grew soggier and soggier. “Say there, buddy, mind if I borrow some of your organs?” Imhotep asked, not really awaiting an answer. Had he waited for one, Burke would have most likely just kept whimpering, so the mummy placed his hand upon the young man’s forehead and sucked out his life force accordingly. What was left of Burke was a frighteningly animated corpse, whereas the mummy had grown some fresher looking flesh and organs. “Thanks a million, pal. And hey, just because I appreciate the sentiment, I’ve had you turned into my first zombie minion! Isn’t that great?” Imhotep’s attention was suddenly drawn by the cocking of a gun. The big-ass gun of a big-ass man with two kids cowering behind him. “Oh, hello. Brunch! Ha ha! Hey tiny, what’s that thing your holding.”
“Hasta mas tarde, Teppy.” The giant said with a microscopic smirk. Even before he pumped the mummy full of lead and saw the surprised expression of pain on it’s decaying face, the giant knew that Imhotep had no clue what a modern firearm was. After he pumped the mummy full of lead, the smirk sunk upside down while he watch the mummy get back up. “Damn. I knew eet wouldn’t be dat easy.”
“You should’ve aimed lower.” Billy suggested. “Believe me when I say I know what I’m talking about.”
“Ass-face!” the mummy growled in Egyptian. “I felt that! And I’m not supposed to feel anything!” Imhotep’s eyes glowed and with a gesture of his hand, he levitated the giant much to the amusement of zombie Burke. “I think I know where I’ll get the rest of my organs from! And as for your little thunder-stick…” Imhotep’s powers flung the gun out of the giant’s hand and drew him closer. “…Let’s just see how tough you are without it.”
Indeed, the mummy must have thought the giant to be, inwardly, a coward who hid behind a powerful weapon. This is why Imhotep didn’t expect to have his head kicked off his rotting shoulders to the back of the room by the left boot of the huge man. Instantly, the levitation wore off and the giant dropped to the ground while zombie Burke ran to retrieve his master’s head. Once again he grabbed Billy and Cheryl and left through an exit.
While Imhotep screwed his head back on, growling ancient Egyptian curses, Dr. Harding and the frat boys ran in on their way to the food court. It was apparent that this had to be more interesting than that noise they heard. “Egads! A mummy!” Harding exclaimed. Then, employing the same levitation trick he had used earlier, Imhotep dragged the tour guide over to him and absorbed his life force as well, creating a new zombie minion.
“I was saving that for the beefcake, but I guess I’ll take what I can get for now.” Imhotep said, disappointed. He then checked his reflection in Cleopatra’s mirror in the next exhibit. For the most part, he looked human enough, but there were holes and moldy patches in his skin that were undesireable. “I guess one more wouldn’t hurt. Me.”
Dennis backed away uneasily. “Hey guys, I think we should probably skidaddle. Whose with me? Guys?” he turned around to see that his friends were already long gone. “Oh crap.”
But before Dennis could run away from Imhotep’s presence, the mummy’s powers lifted him up high into the air and pulled him closer. When I say ‘high’, by the way, I mean about two inches off the ground and by pulled, I mean dragged as the fat loser tried to scratch the ground. “Man, this kid’s gonna be MORE than enough!” Imhotep groaned. Finally, he dropped the tub of lard and just walked over to him. Once more did Imhotep suck the life force from a third victim but this time his quarry had enough to sPare.
When Dennis opened his eyes, he saw his reflection and marveled at what he saw. He wasn’t a zombie at all! He lost two hundred pounds and his acne was gone. “My God!” Dennis cried. “I’m thin and beautiful.”
The confused Imhotep took a gander at his reflection as well, but wasn’t so happy with his outcome. “Oh My Self! I’m a big, fat, acne infestation! Ew, ew, ew, ew!” Quickly, he transferred Dennis’ life force back to the original source, much to the dismay of the recently transformed dreamboat. “Now go away kid, you bother me!” Nedry obliged and ran out wheezing. “You know, maybe I can try the ‘holes in skin’ look for a day or two. I mean, it doesn’t look that bad, does it guys?” the mummy asked his simplified minions. Burke and Harding nodded accordingly.
Elsewhere, the giant ran out of the museum with Billy and Cheryl tight in his arms. “Hey, steroids, you wanna put us down now?” Billy asked.
“Agreed.” answered their kidnapper as he stopped momentarily to drop them. “Do not slow down. We weel talk as we walk. And do not attempt to flee or I weel become peesed off.”
“Oh, we wouldn’t want that.” Cheryl said, complying to his commands. “So anyway, Billy and I couldn’t help but notice that a telekinetic mummy was brought back to life and turned some guy into a zombie back there.”
“That eez correct.” the giant said as they continued into the InGen University campus.
“Well, the thing is, we’re not really in the loop with the whole Night of the Living Dead theme, so if you wouldn’t mind explaining it to us, we would greatly appreciate it.” Billy explained as eloquently as he could.
“Yoah confusion eez ondastandable.” the giant admitted as they went on. “Ten thousand yeeahs ago, an Egyptian priest called Eemhotep had a foahbeeden affah weeth da Pharaoh’s daughter. Deyah scheme was to use da Pharaoh’s Manacle of Canubis to rule ovah Egypt and da wuhld.”
“I’m gonna take a shot in the dark and say that they failed.” Cheryl guessed.
“Dat eez correct.” the giant agreed. “Deyah plot was foiled and Eemhotep was mummified alive. Den, on dis day, he awoke from da dead and rose an army of zombies who retrieved foah heem the Manacle wheech he used to conquah da wuhld.”
“I noticed you mentioned a bunch of stuff just now that hasn’t happened and in past tense.” Billy brought up. “Is there a reason for that?”
“Eet eez my tuhn to ask da questions.” the man said. “Wheah eez Elle Sattler?”
“Elle? She’s on sPring break with Al and the guys in Cancun.” Billy answered. “How do you know Elle?”
“Den we ah going to Cancun.” the giant said, ignoring their other queries.
“Wait!” Cheryl said. “What about tall dark and decomposing back at the museum?”
“Deah eez nothing we can do about heem now.” the giant explained. “As my uhliah attempts have eendicated, he eez impervious to hom and cannot be keeled.”
“Well what if we chopped him up into ten thousand pieces, stuck each of those pieces in a cup filled with quick drying cement, put each of those cups into ten thousand rockets and launched each of those rockets into tenn thousand suns at the farthest edges of the galaxy?” Cheryl asked.
“I don’t have queek drying cement.” the giant said. “Right now, da only way to stop heem eez to get to Elle Sattler befoah he sends heez zombie meenions after huh.”
“Why is he after Elle again?” Billy asked.
“Because she weahs da Manacle. Alan Grant gave eet to huh today.”
“You mean that really expensive looking bracelet he found on the floor?” Billy asked.
“Affuhmateev. Right now, Eemhotep’s powahs ah leemited. He has boundless regenerative capabilities, psionic capacities, contriol ovah life and death and he does neat sheet with sand. Eef he wuh to get a hold of da manacle weethin da next twelve owuhz, he would have lasuh veesion and webshootuhz.”
“And with that kind of power he could rule the world!” Billy said disheartened.
“You know who Elle and that Alan guy are.” Cheryl observed. “Do you know us?”
“You ah Cheryl Logan Chyler and William Nivola Brennan. I know thees because I am yoah fyoocha son.”
Billy and Cheryl stopped walking, completely freaked out by those last words. “Are you serious?” Billy inquired.
“Of coss not.” the giant said. “I was jost focking around weeth you because you ah currently way too optight.” He allowed Cheryl and Billy a moment to sigh in relief and laugh it off. “Except foah da paht about being from da fyoocha. Dat’s true. We ah een need of transPortaion. Eez deah anybody you know dat can take us to Cancun?”
“Well, future boy, all my friends left without me.” Billy said, trying to hide his pain. “But there is one dude I know who might be able to help us out.”
Back at the museum, Imhotep sat cross-legged in deep meditation surrounded by Burke, Harding and a few other zombified museum patrons he sicced his minions on. Obviously in deep concentration, he sought to somehow connect his mind to the Manacle of Canubis. Finally, something happened. And his astral form appeared behind Elle Sattler who was currently kissing the crap out of her boyfriend Alan in Cancun. He stuck around to watch for a little bit and nod in approval. Hey, he was in invisible astral form
right? Finally he returned to his body and awoke to find himself surrounded by his stupid but loyal zombies.
“Well, I see the tradition of sPring break is just as popular now as it ever was in my day.” the mummy said in the tongue of Pharaohs. He got up and stretched his legs with a little walk. Now, in fully human form, Imhotep was quite handsome all things considered. He looked like a younger, sexier, more Egyptian Mr. Clean in a tunic. Actually, it was a miniskirt but just try telling him that. “The Manacle of Canubis is south of here. And if I can hope to get that thing within the twelve hours after my resurrection, then I gotta act swift. Otherwise I won’t get my laser vision and webshooters. And without those, I could get sliced up into ten thousand pieces, stuffed into ten thousand cups of quick drying cement, and--HELLO!” Imhotep stopped to see the skeleton of a Therizinosaurus in front of him. He had wandered into the Hall of Big, Dead Critters and looked about to see the numerous skeletons of a variety of dinosaur sPecies. Most were bigger than he believed animals could get. “Hey! Guys who worked here! What are these things?”
Burke and Harding walked over to their lord and master. “Raaaaaghdinosarsaaaaagh!!!” growled Harding.
“Raaaaaaghtherizinosaurusaaaagh!!!” Burke classified the one in front of Imhotep.
The mummy’s hand had begun to glow and he slowly raised it towards the Therizinosaur skeleton. “Oh these will do nicely.”
Eddie Carr didn’t live in the dormitory like most students. No, he lived in a well furnished double decker bus which stood outside that building. This was a present from his dad, a junkyard owner, three Christmases ago. On nights like this, he could be found lounging in his beanbag chair, taking hits from his bong accompanied by buddies Robert Muldoon and Paul Kirby. Tonight however, Paul was gone so his place was taken by Mark Degler.
“You guys have no idea what it’s like remembering all these terrible things and being convinced that they never happened.” Mark said, calm for the first time in what felt like ages. “I just have these vivid dreams every night of dinosaurs and cloning labs and the SATs and I feel deep down that it’s not over yet. You know what I mean?”
“What?” Eddie asked. “No, yeah. SATs were a bitch, man. And dinosaurs? Man it doesn’t matter if it was the Jews or the Romans who killed the Dinosaurs. The important thing is that they all died for our sins and God’s will was done. Right Rob?” Robert Muldoon was up on the second deck of the bus, raving by his lonesome to techno beats while sipping a big gulp. “I Said Right, Rob!?” Eddie repeated. Rob jumped up and down, occasionally banging his head against the roof of the top deck. “That means yes, I think. Yes or no.”
Eddie and Mark’s sParkling conversation came to a premature end when a giant in a biker outfit walked in accompanied by Billy and Cheryl. “We ah commandeering yoah vehicle.”
“Cool.” Eddie said. “Can we come?”
“Eef you do not slow os down, yoah presence may be tolerated.”
Mark looked over to Billy. “Hey, Billy, you gonna introduce us to your girlfriend and boyfriend?”
Billy remembered his manners. “Guys, this is Cheryl and that guy is… hey you never told us your name, big guy.”
“I am called Sholly.”
“Sholly?” Billy asked.
“Sholly!” the giant seemed to confirm.
“Alright, I got it.” Billy said. “This is Eddie Carr and Mark Degler.”
The giant checked his rear view mirror and took a look at Mark. “You could use a shave.” he said plainly about the young man’s crazy beard. Then, as if forgetting he even said it, he turned the keys and started up the bus’ engine. Seconds later, they started moving. A thud was heard from the upstairs. The giant grew alert for a moment.
“You okay up there, Rob?” Eddie called.
“Yo, I think that stuff is finally starting to kick in, Eddie!” Rob shouted from upstairs.
His concerns gone, the giant called Sholly took the bus to the road and drove south. He knew better than anybody else that they were in a race against time. And while the Museum of Big Dead Things shrunk from view, he also knew what was going on there. In fact, he could almost hear the roars of the long dead dinosaurs as they resonated from the distance.
2 B Continued...
3/13/2004 10:56:56 PM
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