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InGen University p7
By CeratosPit
Chap 7
It was three o’clock when Nick backed his van into the main hall of the InGen U dormitory with Roland sitting shotgun. He impatiently honked his horn, calling for his friends to hurry up. “Come on, ya grannies! I haven’t got all day! Actually I do, but the faster I can take shots until I pass out, the better!” He then impatiently tapped his fingers and made conversation with his front seat passenger. “Hey Roland, is that a gun your cleaning, or are you just happy to see me?”
Roland, who was wiping his paintball gun barrel, chose an indirect answer. “What do say if the tardiest son of a bitch gets a new coat of paint?”
“I say that ‘Tards are people just like you and me and deserve to be treated with the resPect we would give then had they not been mentally handicapped.” Nick replied with a sense of meaning. “Although it would be fun to shoot ‘em in the balls, I ain’t gonna lie!”
Roland raised an eyebrow. “Not quite what I meant, but--”
“What’s up, fellas?” Ray Arnold asked, as he entered the van.
“Hey Ray, what’s the hold up?” Nick asked him. “I’ve been here almost thirty seconds already. Where is everyone?”
“They’re a lazy bunch of motherf*#kers, what do you want me to say?” Ray answered.
Not too far away, Elle was walking hurriedly down the hall with her bags packed. Running from behind to catch up with her was Alan. “Elle, wait up!” he called and was pleasantly greeted by his girlfriend. “Listen, before we leave, I wanted to give you something that shows just how much you mean to me.”
“Really? What is it?” she asked. And what she saw Alan hold out for her was the most beautiful bracelet she had ever beheld. In fact she swooned over and fainted.
This wasn’t quite the reaction Alan was hoping for. It was actually better, but somewhat inconvenient considering the situation they were in and he didn’t quite know what to do. “That means she likes it.” said Sarah who briskly walked by. Before Alan could thank her, Ian walked by saying. “This might be a--a good time to revive here.” “Ditto.” Amanda agreed. “Nice trinket.”
Finally, Ian, Sarah and Amanda came into Nick’s sight with Alan bringing up the rear holding an unconscious Elle Sattler in his arms as well abundant luggage. Nick impatiently honked his horn and pointed to his wristwatch. “C’mon, people, you know the drill! Pimps in the front, hoes in the back and chumps in the trunk!” So his fellow travelers all piled in and threw their luggage and cataleptic girlfriends into the back. “Now then! Let’s ride!” Nick put down his lead foot, filled the main hall with more exhaust than any van should give off and drove back out the entrance, mowing down a few students along the steps. Among them was little Billy, who had jumped in the way, waving his arms.
“Guys! Hold on! You forgot--AAAAGH!!!” poor Billy screamed as he got run down on those jagged steps. To make matters worse, the front tire stopped while resting on the lad’s waist. “Dude! Back Up! Your Crushing My Pelvis! And By Pelvis I Mean Merchandise! And By Merchandise I Mean--”
“I can’t back up on a flight of stairs, lawn gnome!” Nick said, rolling his eyes. “Hold on, I got an idea!” Unfortunately, Nick’s idea was to continue slowly down the stairs, while rolling that heavy van’s tire down Billy’s torso, neck and head. The pain was excruciating, but happily for Billy, it didn’t last for too long. Sadly, the back tire did the exact same thing.
When the van finally rolled off the stairs, Billy got back up on his hands and feet. “I’m okay!” he assured his friends. “I think that one of my broken ribs may have pierced a lung, but it’s nothing a week at a Mexican hot sPot won’t help.”
“Hey, Roland, look!” Nick told his friend while pointing to the very noticeable bloodstain on Billy’s green shorts. “Our little boy’s finally blossoming into womanhood. She’s had her first period!”
Billy just groaned. “For your information, I just had a few mishaps with a dentist drill, a scary little girl and your stupid ‘Bangkok’ joke.”
“Not to worry.” Roland declared. “This should wipe that stain right out!” He then proceeded to fire a green paint ball at Billy's crotch.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!” Billy screamed. “MOTHER OF GOD! WHY!? WHY DO ALL THESE HORRIBLE THINGS KEPP HAPPENING TO MY WEE-WEE TODAY!?”
“Christ, I was just trying to help.” Roland half-apologized. “Sorry.”
“Well, what’s done is done!” Billy said in a sudden happy shift of attitude. “If you’ll just let me in, we can all just be on our merry way!”
“Sorry, amoeba, I don’t recall inviting you.” Nick said.
It was then that Billy flashed back to every conversation Nick had about his upcoming trip and realized that not once did Nick actually say that he was invited. “But…but you never flat out denied it when I brought it up either!”
“I know.” Nick chuckled. “That was just a cruel loophole I thought up to keep your hopes up so that I can dash them all away! Hah!”
Alan, who had been listening to the whole thing from back in the van had heard just about enough. “That’s too far, Nick!” Alan scorned. “If Billy doesn’t go, than neither do I!”
“Suit yourself.” Nick shrugged. “More tail for me!”
Suddenly, Elle regained consiousness and grabbed Alan by the arm as he got up. “Alan, wait! You’re not serious are you?”
“Elle, if a man doesn’t stick up for his fellow man, no matter what the consequences, then that man ceases to be a man and reverts back to a pre-manlike stage!” Alan explained, his chest swelling with righteousness.
“But we were gonna go night swimming!” Elle protested. “And look, I even got a new bathing suit!” she said holding up something.
Alan was perplexed. “Elle, that’s a pack of dental floss.”
She just giggled. “Tee-hee. Use your imagination.”
A few seconds passed before Alan realized the mental image his girlfriend was painting. “Jesus, Mary and Joseph.” This was certainly more of a moral dilemma than he was hoping to face today. In fact, his head was practically about to explode before a small hand grabbed Alan’s collar and yanked his neck over to the window. Billy knew the predicament he was putting his friend in wasn’t a fair one.
“Listen, dude.” Billy said with a sigh from outside the van. “At the cost of getting action, honor ain’t shit. EsPecially with that. You see that jewel encrusted bracelet thingy you gave Elle? She’s going to want to thank you for that. And I mean all night long! So you go to Cancun sPring break. And you tear that up. Because in the condition mines is, I ain’t going to be tearing anything up for a while.”
That’s all Alan needed to hear. And frankly, he was more than a little bit moved. “I’ll write you a VERY detailed letter about it.” He thanked his young friend. “Step on it Nick!”
“Writhing sea of naked drunk girls, here we come!” Nick said, flooring his van.
Sarah just sighed and leaned over to Ian. “You wanna hijak this van? Because if he doesn’t shut up, I swear I’m pulling a mutiny.”
And so, Billy waved a sad goodbye as his friends pulled out of sight. But then he heard a sympathetic voice from behind him. “That was a pretty noble thing you did for your friend.
Turning around, Billy screamed like a monkey and jumped behind some bushes. “Please don’t hurt me!”
Cheryl shook her smirking face. “Actually, I came to apologize.” she explained. “I mean, you were kind of a jerk earlier, but what I did to you, well, I hope I didn’t damage any goods.”
Billy peaked out from behind the bush. “Well, after all I’ve been through today, that was probably one of the more pleasant moments.”
“Whoa. Now I’m even sorrier.”
“Meh, I’ll be alright. Strong Like Bull!” The two children laughed and began walking. “So, how do you like InGen University?”
“Frankly, I think half of the staff is mentally unsound and I could probably lay a red-ass beat down on your fraternity.”
“You kidding? The blind guy in the wheelchair tried that once.”
“Really? That’s brutal. I mean I’ve heard of hazing, but actually blinding a guy and paralyzing him--”
“No, no.” Billy clarified. “The blind dude won. He was in an accident years earlier.”
“Oh. So where are you going?”
“I’m getting some pie at the Museum of Big Dead Things’ cafeteria. You wanna come along? My treat.”
Cheryl didn’t say anything. She just smiled. And the two youngest students in InGen University made there way over to the Museum of Big Dead Things.
After a minute on the road, the sPring Breakers encountered a traffic jam that in all likelihood led all the way down to the Mexican border. That was made evident by teens sun basking on the roofs of their cars and ritualistic chanting of the jocks inside. “We ah, we really should have seen this coming.” Ian thought aloud.
“Nah, man.” Ray sarcastically disagreed. “How the f*#k could Nick have known that there would be traffic on the way to the border on the f*#kin’ afternoon before sPring Break. Dumb-ass mothrf*#ker…”
Nick groaned. “Oh, a dumb-ass motherf*#ker am I? Well buckle up kids, because this stupid-ass mofo’s got a plan!” And with that, Nick pulled a sPecial lever installed into his custom van. The engine roared and the gas exhaust tripled as the van ran off the road into a field of flowers. The flowers were turned into mulch and the playful woodland creatures in the path of the unstoppable van were turned into lunchmeat.
“Nick! Stop it!” Sarah protested. “You’re destroying the environment!”
“Environment Shmenvironment!” mocked the crazy driver as he steered into the forest. The trees wilted upon contact with the insanely pollutant exhaust. His passengers were holding each other tight, shaking with fear. All except Amanda Kirby, who was playing her gameboy. Everybody else noticed the woods were getting progressively thicker.
“Dude! Turn the van around right now!” Alan cautioned. “You’ll never make it through those trees!”
“Trees?” Nick asked pushing a big red a big red button marked ‘Do Not Push’. The hood popped open and two large pinwheels holding chainsaws on each flap were activated. “What trees! Hah ha ha!” They sPun around, removing all obstacles from their path whether it be tree or happy bear or troop of boy scouts. Obviously having fun, Nick sought to enhance his amusement with the help of his good friend, beer. He pulled a can out of it’s six-pack rings, stuffed them into a whole bag of 6-pack rings and upon noticing how full it was he tossed the rings out of the window and into a nearby river.
“I really don’t think you should be drinking while driving!” Elle shared.
“Why? What could possibly go wrong?” Nick asked.
“You mean that, ah, hasn’t already?” Ian asked. “He-he’s got you there, Elle.”
“We’re not out of the woods yet!” Alan said both metaphorically and literally. “Look! It’s Bigfoot!”
Imagining a money making opportunity, Nick Van Owen slowed down. Ahead of them in the dimming sunlight ran a hairy manlike figure. Roland pulled out his binoculars and focused on the creature. The hunter in him knew that this would make quite a trophy. But his hopes were dashed and replaced by disgust. “I’m afraid that that isn’t Sasquatch. But rather just some bloke with too much back and ass hair.”
Everybody cringed. This had drawn Amanda’s attention away from the gameboy. She adjusted her eyes to the distance and looked in disbelief. “Nick, pull up to him, would you?” she asked. Nick made a lewd comment and complied. He drove up to the fuzzy man who wore some leaves around his waist. Amanda’s susPicions were confirmed and with an exhasPerated sigh, she asked. “Paul, what the hell are you doing out here?”
“Whoooooooooo!” Amanda Kirby’s husband shrilled. “Hi Honey! We’re going streaking! Ow!”
“Who’s we?” Amanda asked.
Paul turned around as if to indicate the people following him only to discover that, people in the van aside, he was alone. “Um, I guess they’re all taking five. You guys want to join me?”
A resounding “NO!” was his answer. “Paul!” Comanda Ammanded, I mean…whatever. “Paul, get into this van right now!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Nick objected. “Mandy, don’t take this the wrong way, but I will not let your hairy, sweaty, naked husband into my van!”
“I can’t just leave him out here!” Amanda said. “Wait, you said ‘into your van’, right?”
Later, the van exploded out of the woods, chainsaws a-sPinning, and drove off a small cliff with Paul Kirby tethered to the roof. They landed on somebody else’s van and continued to drive over the rest of the traffic, much to the dismay of the people in the vehicles that they were crushing. But eventually, they made their way to the border. And as they flashed their passPorts to the sleeping border patrol officer, they entered the country where residents from the land of the free go to party. And just before sunset, too!
Over at the Museum, Burke sat next to the mummy exhibit, twiddling his thumbs. It was a slow day and he had been bored. His eyes darted from left to right and came upon the Big Book of the Dead. Shrugging his shoulders, he thought he’d give it a read.
In the Omegamma house, the sneaky Professor Junkee placed the children into a large suitcase. However, he could only fit twelve inside. “Well, Lex, Tim, Kelly and Eric, it looks like I’ll have to place you into this duffle bag.”
“Mister Junkee? Where are we going?” five year old Alexis innocently asked.
“We’re going to Malaysia!” Junkee cheerfully answered. “The candy and puppy capital of the world!”
“If by candy and puppy you mean sweatshop and orangutan capital.” Little Eric answered back. “Where shall we be staying? The Cardboard Hotel? The Brown Water Inn?”
“That’s enough out of you, you clever baby!” Junkee scolded. “Now, into the duffle bag!”
“Why the bloody hell is it called a duffle bag anyway?” Eric asked to himself as he got in.
Professor Junkee zipped up the bag and leaned over to the window. “Now how am I going to get this luggage full of babies past airport security? Perhaps I should just ‘borrow’ a plane and fly it to Southeast Asia myself. But where am I going to find my own airplane at this hour?” Just then he glanced out the window and saw a small plane heading for the Museum of Big Dead Things. “Halleluja! My puh-rayers have been answered!”
Back at the Museum, Billy and Cheryl were enjoying their pie and each others company. A second later, an airplane had crashed down through the roof and landed nose first on the eleven year old boy. This day wasn’t getting much better for him. As Cheryl cried out his name, the door behind the cockpit was kicked open by a size 18 boot. Wasting no time, an enormous and powerfully built man clad in a rather tacky biker getup two sizes to small for him leapt out. “Wheh is da mummy?” he asked the girl. Cheryl was perplexed, but Billy’s hand managed to push it’s way out of the rubble and point in a certain direction. Grabbing his hand, the Goliath pulled Billy from out of the wreckage. “Take me to heem. NOW!”
Over at the mummy exhibit, Burke had been finishing a random selection selection from the ancient Egyptian text. “Bloobity blooey blah blah.” And suddenly, a powerful gust of wind shook the room.
It was at this moment, that the giant man ran in with Billy and Cheryl in either arm. “STOP!” he souted. “YOU MAHST NOT READ FROM DA BOOK!” But he was too late. For when the stranger finished his warning and the sun sank into the horizon, the Mummy came to life with a terrifying roar.
2 B Continued...
3/7/2004 10:52:56 PM
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