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InGen University p6
By CeratosPit
Chap 6
On the other side of the world, in some long forgotten tomb buried beneath the sands of Egypt, things progressed as they had for the past few millennia. A sPeck of dust drifted off of a stone column just as one had a few days since in the stygian blackness of a place that had long forgotten light. Ah, but today something different was to happen. For a brief nanosecond, a tiny sPark illuminated a corner of the chamber. Then, as though it had never occurred, the darkness enveloped all and the things in the ancient room again continued their nonprogression. I know that’s not a word, but who cares? Then, as though to disProve the saying that lightening never strikes twice, it happened again. This time for a sPlit second longer and in another sPot. Before long, visible bolts of static were dancing about the long forgotten compartment, making perceptible it’s many features. Brighter and brighter grew an orb of light encircled by all the voltage. So much so, that for the first time in thousands of years, every asPect of the room became vividly lit. From the vast circle painted with forgotten hieroglyphics in which the light emanated from to statues of ancient gods facing it, this room had obviously been constructed by the ancients to serve some fantastic purpose. One which undoubtedly had to do with the commotion in it’s center.
Finally, after nearly a minute of contained lightening storms, one brilliant flash brought the sPectacle to a close and all was to go on as if this had never happened. But something did happen. Not a second before the lights died did there appear where the orb was, the downward facing, kneeling figure of a giant.
It was a dark night in Egypt. And a windy one too. The sand hovered over it’s dune as did the sand of all dunes for miles around. However, about ten meters beneath this sandbank, there took place what can only be described as a miracle. An hour since, a giant was born of light where there should be neither man nor light. What happened since, only the man knew for sure, if he was in fact human. But he must have sPent every second clawing and digging and climbing his way out from some sand-obstructed tunnel in an Herculean effort to reach the surface. This night was indeed like any other night in the deserts of Egypt. Or at least it would have been had not a mighty fist exploded from a cloud of sand atop a dune. For that was indeed very unusual.
In the more familiar settings of the InGen University campus, Nick Van Owen caught some shut eye as he waited for his friends. He lied on his back at the edge of the campus’ water fountain with his issue of ‘Cans & Jugs’ covering his eyes. The fountain it’s self was a gift from the Museum. This was made a little bit evident by the fact that it was some crested dinosaur ‘sPitting’ water over it’s self. It was here that Ian Malcolm and the newly wedded Amanda Kirby had found him.
“Oh God…” Ian said. “My brain is overloading with, ah, wet dream jokes and-and none of them fit.”
“Yeah, I hate it when that happens.” Amanda replied. She then proceeded to take the magazine off of Nick’s face and smack him with it. “Hey! Van Owen. Take me with you to Mexico.”
“If I do, will you sleep with me?” asked the rudely awakened Nick, rubbing his sore chin.
“Uh, in case you’ve forgotten,” Amanda explained. “I’m a married mother of one.”
“True.” agreed Nick. “But it’s a miserable marriage of convenience and you can’t even remember your baby’s name.”
“Yeah, yeah, I don’t, um, agree with Nick unless it’s a last resort,” Ian shared, “But he’s right. Yesterday you seemed genuinely, ah, happy to marry Paul so that Eric could be born into a family. Now you just left the kid behind with Dr. Junkee and-and where is Paul anyway?”
“If I know Paul, he’s riding the shaved llamas at his uncle’s nudist resort. As for the marriage, I was genuinely happy. But that was Thursday. Today is Friday.” Amanda clarified. The boys however didn’t understand. “My personalities are based on the seven days of the week. Lazy Sundays, gothic Mondays, rebellious Tuesdays, horny Wednesdays, jovial Thursdays, nonchalant Fridays and swashbuckling Saturdays.”
“Interesting.” Nick noted as he marked down all the Wednesdays in his day planner. “Alright, Mandy, you’re in. What about you, Ian? I love my godchildren and all, but I don’t wanna bring 13 babies on a week where the last thing on my mind should be getting hot girls pregnant.”
“Tch. God forbid you ever breed.” Amanda quipped mostly to herself.
“Oh, I’m sorry did you say something, mother of Possum-eater Paul Kirby’s baby?” Nick snapped back. “Didn’t think so.” Amanda was silent, but her middle finger sPoke volumes.
“Double Snap!” Ian said to mark the occasion. “Ah, actually no. Professor Junkee offered to, um, watch mine and Amanda’s kids while we were away.”
“Junkee?” Nick asked. “Isn’t that the guy who stabbed somebody with his long, sharp, cartoonish nose?”
“Ah, no.” Ian assured himself and his friend. “I, ah, think that that was another Professor Junkee.”
At that moment, they trio was joined by Ray Arnold. “What it is, my main motherf*#kers?”
“Hey Ray-man. Ah, what did YOU learn in computer class today?” Ian asked sarcastically.
“Apparently nothing rhymes Silver, Orange or Purple.” Ray answered.
“Silver, Orange, Purple?” Nick asked.
“Silver, Orange, Purple.” Ray confirmed.
Amanda then noticed Sarah walking towards the group with cage full of rodents. “Hey, Sarah. What’s with the rat pack?”
“I just learned that the biology department was going to have these little Mongolian imported gerbils put down during break so that they can be dissected when the students get back in two weeks.” Sarah explained.
“Silver, Orange, Purple?” Nick still wondered.
“Wait-wait a minute, Sarah.” Ian told his friend. “Do you mean to tell us that, ah, you’ve stolen those exotic rodents?”
“Silver, Orange, Purple.” Ray confirmed yet again.
“That’s right Ian.” Sarah said with conviction. “Because if they plan to kill innocent animals in the name of science, well then that’s what I do. I pilfer foreign gerbils.”
“Silver, Orange, Purple?” Nick continued.
“Pilfer foreign gerbils!?” Ian exclaimed
“Silver, Orange, Purple.” Ray yet again answered.
Billy proceeded to walk up to the group and heard the topic. “Hey Ray? Does anything rhyme with
antidisestablishmentarianism?”
“Wow.” Ian resPonded to Sarah’s answer. “I’m, ah, I’m sorry Sarah. I guess I forgot how little control you have over your self when it comes to animal rights.”
“Antidisestablishmentarianism?” Nick repeated.
“What’s that supposed to mean, Ian?” Sarah asked hinting susPicion.
“Antidisestablishmentarianism…” Ray pondered.
“Can’t I resist unleashin’ fair organisms?” Sarah continued.
“Can We Please Change The Subject!?” Amanda screamed.
“Fine.” Nick said. “Everybody get packing. The Van Owen Van is shipping out in exactly one hour for Club Promiscuity, Meh-hee-co! And don’t forget to bring your passPorts. I don’t want another Canadian Terrorist Organization episode on my hands like last time!”
“Man, how the f*#k was I suppose to know that that guy was a terrorist?” Ray asked. “I thought American Satans was just what Canadian folks call us.”
“That’s what I thought, African American Satan.” Billy told Ray. “I guess the fire that is racism can never truly be extinguished.”
“Damn, that shit is whack.” Ray agreed.
“Well, this has been 5 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.” Amanda groaned.
Over at the museum, Alan was nearly finished setting up the Mummy with it’s sarcophagus, Big Book of the Dead and mummy missile firing action! That last part bewildered Alan, but it seems somebody thought it logical to package the long dead mummy as though it were some huge action figure. There was one small sPace in between the large plastic containers which looked like it held something but was empty. Alan figured it to be a manufacturing error and thought no more of it. What had occupied his mind though was the uncharacteristic moistness of the mummy which he propped up in his upright casket.
“So this is who you hang out with when I’m not around?” said a familiar voice from behind Grant.
“Elle! Hey, babe, what are you doing here?” Al asked his girlfriend as he turned around.
“Giving you this. Just because.” Elle said handing Alan a gift wrapped box.
“Ooh! Gimme!” Al said, greedily taking and opening the box. Upon seeing the gift his face lit up. “A dentist’s drill! Dear God, Elle, how did you know?”
“Well, remember that time you were cleaning off an Indricotherium collarbone of sedimentary bits packed into the clefts with a fossilized raptor claw whose origin remained a mystery and you said, ‘I tell you, Ellie, my kingdom for a decent dentist drill!’?” Elle asked him.
“Wow, I didn’t even realize I said that aloud!” Alan remembered. “Uh-oh. I didn’t say anything else weird, did I?”
Elle took a moment to recall that time Alan said something about losing his virginity to an ostrich, but thought it better if she pretended that it never happened. “Nope.” Then, quickly to change the subject, Elle looked at the mummy. “So who is this charming gentleman?”
“Elle Sattler, meet Imhotep the mummy. Apparently he was a high priest of some kind who had a forbidden romance with the pharaoh’s daughter and was mummified alive.”
Elle also noted the strange gleaming of his decayed skin. “He looks kind of…”
“Juicy.” the couple said at the same time. They then laughed at their coinciding comments. The laughing abruptly stopped and was followed by a passionate staring into each other’s eyes.
“You know,” Alan began in a ridiculously seductive voice. “You’re looking quite juicy as well, miss Sattler.”
Elle blushed ever slightly. “Oh am I? ‘Doctor’ Grant?”
The doctor comment was the clincher. Alan’s trembling, wobbly, quivering lips moved closer towards Elle’s tremulous, shivering, drooly lips…for about forty five seconds. And just before they locked their faces in a kiss, they were interrupted by an agitated 11 year old.
“You know guys, I came here half a minute ago and was patiently waiting for you two to get this over with but, Dear God, you guys take forever.”
Elle rolled her eyes. “Don’t you have a firetruck or something to play with?”
Billy smiled. “I sure do…IN MY PANTS!” he then pulled out a five inch die-cast firetruck from his pocket. “Micro Machines! Playing to win!”
“Dude, could you come back in like ten minutes?” Alan asked his friend. “Elle and I were kinda…um…”
“You know it’s this kind of awkwardness around public disPlays of affection that makes most kids my age uneasy around it?” Billy informed his friend. “You’re just lucky I’ve been watching FOX’s primetime line-ups since I was born. Anyhoo. I didn’t come here to interrupt your horn-dogging. That was just an unexpected bonus. I came here to tell you that Nick and the gang are gonna ship out a little under an hour.”
“Holy crap!” exclaimed Elle. “I’ve barely even packed! Bye sweetie!” And just like that, Elle was out.
Alan couldn’t believe that they were leaving so soon, either. “I can’t believe they’re leaving so soon!” he said redundantly. “I still have a five hour shift ahead of me!”
“Maybe you can tell your boss that your Grandma swallowed her Chihuahua and you need to drive her to the hosPital.” Billy suggested.
“I can’t do that, my boss is on Mt. Olympus now.”
Billy took a moment to rewind and see if he missed something. “And…did he leave a real hard-ass in charge or something?”
“Nope, he just left that tired, drunken custodian, Rezinald in charge.”
“So punch out early! Rez won’t care! He’s asleep in the broom closet as we sPeak.”
“I don’t know, Billy. If something bad were to happen, it would be my fault. And my healthy sense of paranoia is telling me that something terrible is about to happen.”
Billy gave his friend a hug. “I would never let anything happen to you.” Then he stopped. “Did that come across as gay?”
“A little, maybe.”
“Ok then. Back on topic, just hire some competent loser to work your shift for the rest of the day!”
Robert Burke, a fellow budding paleontologist with a pretty thick beard and a fedora hat not dissimilar from Alan’s, walked by the duo and stopped to say goodbye to his coworker. “See ya, Alan. sPring break is finally here and I have a sock drawer to go rearrange!”
“Bob, wait!”Alan halted. “If I pay you thirty bucks, will you cover for the rest of my shift?”
“Are you kidding?” Burke said happily. “For thirty bucks I’ll eat a Chihuahua!”
“…I’m just asking you to take over for a few hours.” Alan clarified handing Burke the money. “No reason to eat anyone’s dog.”
“I got you covered, man.” Burke assured Alan.
As they were leaving, Billy noticed the present Alan was holding. “So, what’s in the package.”
“Elle got me a dentist drill.” Alan sighed. “She’s a paleontologist’s dream.”
“Damn, bro! You must be, like, a dynamo on the sPrings if she hooked you up with that!”
“I don’t follow.”
“You know…” Billy than proceeded to make all sorts of evocative hand gestures.
“Oh! You mean…well no, um, actually we haven’t, you know…yet.”
Coming to a halt, Billy stuck out his arm and stopped Alan as well and turned to face him. “Alan, bend over, there’s something I want to tell you.”
“Is it about dinosaurs?”
“Yeah. Yeah, it’s about dinosaurs. C’mere.” And as Alan bent over to hear what Billy had to say, he was a little bit surprised to learn how painfully his young friend could smack people across the face. “HOW COULD YOU HAVE NOT HIT THAT ALREADY!?”
“Ow! Geez, Billy!” Alan said rubbing his cheek. “It’s not like I don’t want to. It’s just that she never disPlayed any interest in wanting to--”
Before Alan could finish explaining, Billy snatched the dentist drill from him. “Dude, look at this. You know what it is? It’s a dentist drill. Why would a girl buy you a dentist drill? Because you like to painstakingly clean freshly discovered fossils? Or because subconsciously, she’s implying that she wants you to ‘drill’ her?”
“Gosh I never thought of it that way!” Alan discovered.
“You know what? If you have to turn to an eleven year for advice on your sex life, you don’t deserve this drill yet!” Billy said, stuffing the tool into his pocket. The one with the hole in it. “I’m going to hold onto this until she makes a man out of you.”
“Billy, it’s time like this, I’m glad we’re the unlikely duo we are! Secret handshake!” Alan said, initiating a complex handshakes, head butts and waist to waist bumps. Sadly, the last of these bumps switched on the dentist drill in Billy’s pocket. A silent buzzing was followed by screams of agony from the boy who ran in pain.
“AAAAAAGH!!! THERE’S A DENTIST DRILL IN MY PANTS!!!” Billy screamed as he ran by an old couple.
“Is that what kids are calling their tallywackers these days?” the old man asked.
Alan didn’t so much think about the excruciating pain Billy was in as he did about something else. “Wow. She even included the batteries! Oh man, do I have to have to get Elle something awesome now. But what?” It was at this moment that Alan noticed a beautiful, two pound gem encrusted bracelet just lying on the floor in the Hall of Big Dead Critters at the precise sPot where Alan felt the crate with the mummy drop two pounds earlier but didn’t feel like investigating. It wouldn’t be until much later that he would put two and two together. “I bet somebody lost this.” He said disheartened. He the looked over to a boarded up area to his right which said ‘Lost And Found Section Coming In August!’ “Oh well!” Perhaps this was a sign that the bracelet was now his to give away to his hot girlfriend after all.
Back in Egypt, at the Cairo Chippendales, male stripper Lewis Dodgson stepped out from behind a curtain dressed as a leather clad motorcycle enthusiast to the dissapointment of the many formerly aroused women in the joint. Dodgson wasn’t exactly a desireable sPecimen. The American had no rhythm, 3 nipples and an enormous forehead. This didn’t stop him though. “Come on ladies? Who wants to go hogwild? Uh-huh, Uh-huh. Uh-huh!”
The door to the club slammed open, to reveal an enormously muscled naked giant who scanned the room. All was silent for a few seconds, but this ended with the joyous cries of the women who held up dollar bills. Why women in an Egyptian stripper club had US currency, nobody really knew, but Lewis was quite bothered by this intruder stealing his attention. He then saw the focused face topped with shortly cropped blond hair move towards him. Lewis tapped his angry foot as the giant waded through the sea of harmonious women towards him.
“Nice night for a walk, huh?” the man-stripper asked. “You have some nerve interrupting my performance like this!”
“Yoa cloz.” the giant said. “Hand dem ovah!”
“Talk to the hand, girlfriend!” Dodgson snapped, sticking his palm out.
Soon, he would wince in pain as the enormous man crushed his hand bones while screaming at them. “NOW!”
2/28/2004 10:23:16 PM
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