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InGen University p5
By CeratosPit
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LAST TIME ON INGEN U...
Alan: I work for the most perfect sPecimen of humanity in a museum and I got a crate from Egypt.
Dennis: Me and the DIKs got kicked out of our house cuz Peter's uncle's a dick.
Ben: Eric Kirby has a cute little tushy. And I mean that in a totally straight way... or do I?
Ray: I got no real character development.
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Chap 5
Alan Grant didn’t mind hard work. He relished it, in fact. However he did feel it was slightly unfair that nobody else in the whole museum would help him lug around a 400lb crate. And so, stressing every sinew in his body, he carried it upon his back to the other side of the museum. Past the Shop of Big Dead Gifts and the Court of Big Dead Foods, through the Hall of Big Dead Critters and for the Hall of Big Dead Civilizations. The Hall of Big Dead Critters, incidentally, was his favorite place in the whole museum. Not only was it the largest section of the museum, it contained the skeletons of countless dinosaurs. Real fossils fused to the metal imitation fossils other museums only put on disPlay. This method was questionable, but Sir Pitt believed that it gave people their money’s worth, and thus big dead fossils were used in place of big fake ones.
Before he had finished his journey, he overheard the brand new tour guide working a crowd of museum patrons. “Dilophosaurus wetherilli was believed to be a medium sized, French-sPeaking, carnivorous dinosaur of the early Jurassic period. It most likely hunted in packs and there is no evidence that suggests it had a frill or sPat poison black goo.”
“Who said it had a frill and sPat poison in the first place?” asked a precocious 8 year old.
“Absolutely nobody.” said the tour guide, who turned around and revealed himself to be none other than…Dr. Harding! “In fact I don’t even know why I just said that!”
“Dr. Harding!?” asked an astonished Alan. “What are YOU doing here?”
“Oh hello Alan.” greeted the former school nurse and daycare man. “I’m afraid that Hammond fired me this morning because I didn’t videotape his BJ last night. Luckily, on my way home, I noticed the ‘Tour Guide Wanted’ sign in museum window. I applied and got the job, thanks to all that dinosaur studying I did as a youngster.”
“I didn’t know you were into dinosaurs.” Alan said.
“Ah yes. When I was younger, I always wanted to be a Dinosaur Dentist. But then I grew up and lowered my expectations to a more realistic field: Dinosaur Pediatrics, Veterinary medicine and Physiology. Eventually I dropped the dinosaur asPect and--”
“HEY!” yelled an angry mother. “Give us your biography on your own time. I paid twenty bucks for you to guide my kids on this overpriced tour!”
“Yes, of course, ma’am.” Harding apologized. “Later Alan. Next up, we have the world’s largest clutch of fossilized Velociraptor eggs…”
Alan would have felt sorry for the father of his good friend, had he not actually seemed content to be a tour guide. With that peace of mind, Alan stretched in preparation for continuing to lift the crate. Whoa, that’s a lot of improperly used verbs. Anyway, as he bent backwards, crackling his sPine he happened to look up and see a brand new exhibit on the ceiling.
“What the hell is that!?” Alan asked loud enough for the tour to hear.
Seeing how that was sort of a legitimate question, Dr. Harding answered. “That would be the Museum of Big Dead Thing’s Big Dead Foam Blue Whale.”
The mammoth whale replica was fully 100ft long and weighed twenty tons. It hung upside down from a single strand of high tension circus wire with it’s mouth open and tongue hanging out. The detail was quite realistic, even on the inside. Al was astonished. “When was it put up there?”
“Apparently it’s been up there for the past 8 years.” Harding explained.
“Then how did I never notice it?”
“I don’t know. Maybe if you didn’t wear that stupid fedora hat all the time, you’d notice stuff overhead. Moving on…”
Perhaps Harding was right, Alan thought. But he paid no mine to the comment. Though he didn’t recall how he came across it, he had always felt a strong bond with the hat. Almost like it saved his life at one point. Back to the task at hand, Alan took a deep breath as he lifted the crate back upon his…back. And as he did, he scarcely noticed a little clanging sound behind him. The sound of a jewel encrusted golden bracelet falling out of a small hole in the box.
“Well that’s funny.” Alan mused. “All of a sudden, the crate feels 2lbs lighter.” And he walked off.
Over at the InGen U Daycare Center for Ill Prepared Parents, Ian Malcolm walked in on the DIK fraternity boys putting up party decorations. “Ah, hey guys.” Ian said with a hint of confusion. “I didn’t know this place tended to college level babies as well.”
“Hardy Har Har, Ian Malcolm.” said Peter Ludlow with no actual hint of laughter. “If you’ve come looking for your many illegitimate children, I’m afraid that they are over at the Omegamma house which we have been kicked out of.”
“Hammond kicked you losers out?” said Ian with a little disbelief. “Wow, what did you guys, ah do? Forget to use a coaster and-and leave a ring on the table?”
“For your ‘Um-Ah-Information’ we were booted from our home because the daycare center wasn’t equipped to handle more than fifteen children. With the addition of Eric Kirby, the tots, mostly yours might I add, had to be moved to a larger facility. Our house. And so thanks mostly to your restless libido the Delta Iota Kappa Brotherhood is now completely ruined. At least until…tonight.”
“Yeah, ah, okay. So my kids are now in your old house?” Ian double checked.
“That’s what I said.” Peter ensured him. “And we are here to be laughed at by everyone…until tonight.”
“Ok. Great. Ah, see you DIKs later.” Ian said as he turned around to walk away.
“Yes, so will we see you tonight?” Peter asked, following him.
“Um, not likely. I, ah, don’t frequent daycare centers when my kids aren’t in ‘em.”
“Not even if there’s a…party?”
“There’s not gonna be a party here tonight.”
“Oh, how wrong you are Ian Malcolm! How wrong you are! Haven’t you seen my DIK brothers setting a Bacchanal atmosPhere?”
“Ah, honestly? I, um, wasn’t paying attention…”
“In that case it was lucky I caught up to you. I hereby invite you to the greatest celebratory gathering that InGen University has ever seen!”
“Thanks but I’ll pass. I can’t actually, ah go to parties since I have thirteen very small children who-who require my, um, ah, constant supervision. I’m even calling off my sPring break road trip be-because, ah, my sitter apparently doesn’t babysit anymore.”
“I am truly sorry to hear that. But if you could do me a favor and inform all of your friends that the Delta Iota Kappa Fraternity is hosting a party, a kegger even, at the daycare center tonight--”
“You really want me to tell everybody that your Brotherhood is getting drunk at the Daycare center?”
At that point, Peter dropped to the floor, grabbed Ian by the snakeskin boot and begged. “Please! Please Ian, we are completely desPerate! You’ve fathered more children than you know what to do with and we have yet to even kiss a girl! If anybody could--oh drat, what was that expression?--hook us up, we know that you of all people can!”
“Sorry, dude, I-I haven’t dated in a year. Ask, ah, ask Nick Van Owen.”
“No! Not him! He’ll strip us naked, pour baby oil on us and lock us up in the broom closet like he always does!”
“Huh. So that explains where all my baby oil has gone.” And with that Ian’s boot slipped out of Peter’s grasP and he walked away, leaving the sad excuse for a frat boy lying on the floor wondering if he would tell anybody about the party.
Back at the Omegamma house, John Hammond was growing sick of getting his beard pulled on by two of Ian’s bratty little children while the rest ran around with scissors in their hands and bags on their heads. Soon all of this would come to an end for him. He would be relieved of babysitting duty by pawning them off on the only member of his faculty available until he could find a permanent replacement for Gerry Harding. And at the moment, he wished he had better options.
“Hiya, jefe!” said Prof. Junkee as he slammed the door open. “What’s this I hear about a new super sPecial promotion with an increased salary that only I am qualified for.”
“Hello, Junkee.” Hammond greeted less than enthusiastically. “It’s quite simple. Just watch over these babies when their parents pawn them off on you and try not to let them die. As for the raise, you’ll be given an extra ten cents added to your current salary.”
“A dollar thirty five an hour!?” Junkee exclaimed. “Pinch me I’m dreaming!”
Hammond picked up his walking stick and headed for the door. “Well, I see that you will all get along famously. Now if you will all excuse me, I have a gynecologist appointment. Tootles!”
With Hammond gone, Junkee turned to the gathered crowd of babies. “Now then! I wonder how much I can auction you all off for in Malaysia? Perhaps I can exchange you all for an actual doctorate in Psychology. Then I can get rid of this one!” he said holding up a framed sheet of paper in which he scribbled over the name Dr. Mirko Pavlek and wrote his own. “ I can imagine it now. ‘Dr. JP Junkee: Psychiatrist of International royalty!”
Little Eric rolled his eyes. “Make up you mind already! Are you a fraud Psychologist or Psychiatrist!?”
“What’s the difference!?” Junkee asked back.
Just then, Ian Malcolm walked in. “Ah, hello. Professor Junkee? Where-where’s dean Hammond.”
“Out about the town, I’m afraid. Can I help you, young man?”
Little Kelly among Ian’s other children came running over to greet their father. “Daddy! Yay!”
“Hi Kel! Hi-hi sweetie! You ready to go home?” Ian asked.
“Oh, is that your daughter? A shame, we were just starting to have fun. Well I suppose you two may leave, I will just watch the rest of these children until their parents get here.”
“Oh, don’t worry about it.” Ian reassured the professor. “I’m ah, Ian Malcolm. Twelve more of these kids are mine. Come on, kids! Into the wagon! We’re going for ice cream!”
And as the rest of the tots smiled and piled into the wagon, Junkee began seeing his brilliant (to him at least) plan fall apart. “If he takes all those children…” Junkee said to himself, “Then I will scarcely have enough to sell into slavery in exchange for a Psychologist’s degree…”
“Ah, I’m…sorry. What was that you were saying to yourself?” Ian asked.
Junkee had to be quick on his feet. “Thirteen children!? My, but you are a prolific fellow. Who helps you raise them all?”
“Oh, I’m pretty, ah, self reliant.” Ian explained. “Luckily my folks are loaded and their scattered mothers, um, usually pay child support on time. But yeah, classes are the only times, I have to myself.”
“Good Lord, man! It sounds like you can use a vacation.”
“You ah, you got that right. In fact I-I was originally gonna go on one today, but Dr. Harding, who was gonna sit for me, was recently fired and-and I can’t in good conscious ask him to--”
“Of course you can’t! Why I’m sure that that man has enough trouble on his pallet without you holding him to a prior engagement. If only there was somebody you knew who loved to watch over children for free so that you can go on your vacation and that wasn’t completely insane…” Junkee cleverly mused. “Oh! I know! How about me!?”
“You?” Ian asked raising an eyebrow. “Well, I ah, barely even know you and--”
“What’s to know? I’m just nuts about watching other’s children and not selling them off in foreign countries!”
“What was that, um, that last part?”
“Nothing! You go on your sPring Break Ian Malcolm. It is your God-given right as a hard working college student! I will resPonsibly keep an eye on your offsPring while you are away!”
“Huh. Well, I-I can’t say no to that…” Ian pondered.
“Daddy go bye bye?” Kelly asked sadly.
“Oh, hey don’t worry my queen, my goddess, my insPiration. It’s only for a few days. And-and you can have lots of fun with your brothers and, ah, sisters and Lex and Tim and Eric.”
“I wuv you daddy!” Kelly said as she hugged him tight and welled tears in her eyes.
“I know. I know. But Daddy needs some time alone in Cancun where he can get drunk and have even more unprotected sex with strangers even-even though he really should, ah, know better. Daddy’s very silly.”
“Silly daddy!” Kelly smiled.
The door opened once again to admit Amanda Kirby who came in a hurry. “Hey, I’m here to pick up my son, uh…” she paused to look at the palm of her hand. “Eric? Eric.”
“Damn it all, mother!” little Eric cursed. “I’m your son, not your neighbor’s dentist’s hamster. Could you at least bother to remember my name?”
“Whatever, just get in the backpack.” said devoted mother.
“Oh good God, is it too much to ask you to get a proper stroller? I’d rather stay with this lunatic than get into that thing again!” Eric said indicating the smiling Junkee.
Amanda looked up at the Professor. “Don’t worry Amanda, he will be in good hands I assure you!” Junkee assured her. “In fact, while your out buying the stroller, why don’t you join Ian on his trip to Cancun and soak up some rays?”
“Why would I want to go get sunburned while surrounded by a bunch of giggly beach whores in Cancun?”
Again, Junkee thought quickly. “I hear that they opened up a new Hot Topic down there.”
Sure enough, that’s all Amanda needed to hear. “Let’s go Malcolm.” She grabbed her tall lanky friend by the arm and pulled him back out the door.
“Bye kids! Bye Kelly!” Ian cried as he left.
Kelly teared up as her father left. “Bye daddy. I wuv you.”
Eric momentarily put down his newsPaper. “Good riddance, mother. Don’t let the door impregnate you on the way out, now.”
2 B continued...
2/19/2004 11:07:45 PM
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