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InGen University p2
By CeratosPit
The group made their way back to the school talking about robots, national debt and sock puppets. Alan Grant was a young man of average height who wore a plaid shirt around his waist, a red duster around his neck and a fedora hat atop his messy hair. He didn’t remember where he got the hat from, but rarely did a day go by where he didn’t wear it. Billy Brennan was an energetic youth with a light brown, blown out hairstyle. Of all Alan’s friends, he alone shared his enthusiasm over dinosaurs. Alan’s girlfriend, the voluptuous young Elle Sattler always held an interest in botany, and recently, paleobotany. She usually wore miniskirts and large sneakers she believed made the rest of her body look cuter by comparison. The young father, Ian Malcolm, towered over the rest of his friends. For a tall, stuttering, skinny geek with a penchant for quantum physics, hair gel, black clothes and the baggage of raising several illegitimate children, the ladies found him quite to their liking. Particularly Sarah Harding, the pretty red-haired young woman whose been vying for his attention since day one without much success. Sarah loved animals and majored in zoology. She also loved wearing hip-hop label clothing but she really didn’t know why. Nick Van Owen was a cocky playboy, nearly as tall as Ian and probably fathered more children than his friend. The difference is, Nick wore a false mustache, used an alias and ‘boned’ girls who would in all likelihood never find out who he was. He found that thrilling. Roland Tembo appeared to have a clean shaven head and face, but truthfully, he couldn’t grow hair on his head for some reason. Roland trained himself in eleven fighting styles and was the regional paintball champion. And finally there was Ray Arnold, the only African American in the group (with the exception of some of Ian’s children) was an all-around likeable computer whiz once you got used to his fondness for four letter words and cigarettes. Like Roland, he sPorted the bald look save he had a little beard.
When they finally reached their destination, they all parted ways. Ian had to go drop off his children off at the IGUDCIPP, Roland and Billy were off to Psychology, Alan, Nick and Sarah went to Urban Environment while Elle and Ray went off to Computer Programming.
As Ian walked into the Daycare room, he noticed dean Hammond tied up in a jump rope while his grandchildren, Tim and Lex trashed the place. Lex was an angelic looking five year old blond girl in pig tails and overalls, although her behavior proved her to be less harmless than she appeared. Her three year old brother Tim was clad in a bib and diaper. “I don’t care if you are my grandchildren!” Hammond threatened. “I’ll have you turned into dog food if you don’t release-- Ian! Ian Malcolm! Ha! How nice of you to come by with those delightful wee tots of yours!”
“Ah, yeah.” Ian said with a hint of confusion. “Where-where’s Dr. Harding?”
“I’m afraid the good doctor had to be let go, Ian.” said the seemingly sorrowful dean. “I caught him trying to embezzle money from the University in order to pay off his debts to the mafia. And while I selflessly sPared no expense and gave him the money out of my own pocket, I’m afraid that I could not tolerate somebody with such distasteful ties on my staff. You understand, don’t you?”
Ian couldn’t believe his ears. He did not know what to say. “Oh my…wow…I, uh, I just can’t-can’t…really? I certainly, ah, didn’t expect this. He said he would look after my children while I went away for-for break…”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Say, would you kindly untie me?”
“Hmm? Oh, ah, yeah. Sure.” Ian did as he was asked. “It’s just that I’ve been, ah, stuck with these kids for around two years now and I-I-I really needed this time away.”
“Well, that’s parenthood.” said Hammond as he got back up. “There are no vacations from your children. Unless of course you’re my daughter Lynn or her idiot husband, Tex Murphy and you’ve decided to take a never ending honeymoon on my expense..”
“Oh, come on, dean-dean Hammond. I’m sure that that happy couple is going to be together forever!”
“You there! Old man!” said a voice coming from behind a large pile of toys. An unusually longhaired newborn who sPoke with a British accent stepped out. “I have soiled myself and demand changing!”
Once again, Ian looked confused. Although not for the obvious reason. “Isn’t-isn’t that Amanda’s baby?”
Punk rock sex kitten Amanda Kirby made her way into Psychology class with a look of contempt and clothing held together by safety pins she was famous for. Her style consisted of big, black boots, plaid cut-off shorts, fishnet stockings and tank top barely covering her bra which had anarchy symbols over each breast, sPike-studded bracelet and collar and multiple piercing. Her hair was naturally blond, but nearly unnoticeable by the overwhelming use of black highlights. Seeing her here and now, one would have never susPected that she not only got married recently, but had a baby as well. Her figure had returned overnight it seems, but now her lactating breasts were nearly twice their former size. This fact was well observed by some of her male and lesbian classmates. Some of them wound up sitting through class with a black eye and a fat lip.
When she came to the attention of Roland Tembo, the Brit was shocked to find her in class. “Jesus Christ, Amanda!” he exclaimed. “What are you doing here, luv? Aren’t you supposed to be on your honeymoon?”
“Yeah.” she smugly said. “Maybe I’m just a girl with high priorities, but I didn’t wanna sPend my sPring break at Paul’s uncle’s nudist colony.”
“Where is Paul?”
“Hopefully back at the nudist colony.”
“And Eric?”
“Who?”
“Your son?”
“Oh, him. Yeah I dropped him off at daycare.”
Billy, meanwhile was cracking up off of the events that recently took place. “Oh man! What a hilarious wedding that was! Why I remember in like it just happened last week!”
“It happened yesterday.” Amanda pointed out.
“Yeah, I have a weird memory disorder.” Billy explained.
Suddenly everything got blurry and harp music began playing. The trio braced themselves for a flashback. Yesterday, the sun was shining and birds were singing at a blessed union of two souls deeply in love. Five hundred miles away. But at the wedding of Ahjay Sidhue and Amanda Huggankiss, the gray sky was crying from the tragedy about to take place. Inside the chapel, the pregnant Amanda Kirby was walking up the aisle with Dr. Harding, as her own father had practically disowned her a few years back. Waiting for her at the alter was Ahjay Sidhue, an east Indian friend who agreed to marry her so her son wouldn‘t be born out of wedlock. He had on his face a look of forlorn sadness. The kind one wears to their own wedding when they are in love with somebody else who doesn’t return their feelings. Next to him was his best man and best friend, Roland Tembo.
Across from them were Sarah, Elle and a guy named Udesky as the bridesmaids. “You’re not a bridesmaid, are you?” Elle asked the latter.
“I never said I was.” Udesky answered.
“Good point.” Sarah noted. “Then who are you?”
“I’m the booking agent. One of the bridesmaids got sick, so I came here instead.” he explained.
“I guess you never can tell about people.” Elle said.
And Sarah topped her off with “Ain’t that the truth. Poor Amanda. Something tells me she really doesn’t want to be here today. And neither does Ahjay. We really should try to stop this wedding.”
“Are you kidding?” Elle asked. “Then we won’t be able to keep these dresses!”
Among the several guests at the wedding, Alan, Ian, Billy, Nick and Ray sat in the front pew. “We should stop this wedding.” said Nick. “I can’t stand to see such potential go to waste.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Alan assured his friend. “As soon as Amanda has the baby, they’re gonna get the marriage annulled and they’ll go back to they’re old lives. Except Amanda will have a baby and--”
“What are you talking about?” Nick asked. “That’s no reason we couldn’t throw a bachelor party.”
“Tch. $40 worth of canned whipped cream and I never got to use ‘em.” Billy complained.
Suddenly the lights dimmed and the room was set aglow by a strobe light’s myriad of colors. From the left side of the chapel, a young black man who looked more like a mercenary than a pianist played an introduction on his organ. “Ladies and Gentleman, I wanna hear you raise the roof off this mother for my soul brother from another mother of the Caucasian persuasion, give it up for Brother Cooper everybody!”
The crowd went wild as another curiously threatening looking man in sunglasses came out from the back of the church and high fived everybody sitting at the edge of their pews. He even took a moment to sign a topless girl’s chest. But finally he reached the alter he motioned everybody to calm themselves and finally began the wedding. He was taller than either bride or groom, had dark brown hair and a little goatee. “Brothers and sisters--”
“I love you Brother Cooper!” screamed a random girl.
“He-hey! Meet you backstage after the wedding.” Cooper continued. “Now then, Brothers, Sisters and Brother Nash, we are gathered here today, to join two souls in Holy matrimony that’ll probablylasteightminutesamIright? We‘re joining this slutty rocker girl, and this closet homosexual foreigner together so that a child may be born into the loving arms of a married couple. If only Brother Nash was so lucky when he was born, am I right?”
“Hey, sucka, leave me outta this!” Nash chuckled.
Suddenly Amanda felt a contraction. “Ooh! Hey! Padre! Save it for open mic night and skip to the good part.”
“Yes please and do not refer to me as a closet homosexual foreigner.” Ahjay added. “I only experimented a few times and I strongly believe that everybody in this chapel has done the same.”
Crickets chirped.
“Right let’s just skip the formalities.” Cooper agreed. “Brother Nash work that organ!”
“Out here in front of everybody?” Nash joked.
“Just play ‘White Wedding’ you crazy fool! Now then, do you, Amanda Huggankiss--AmandaHa ha ha ha! For real that‘s your last name!?” Brother Cooper continued laughing until Amanda stomped his foot. “Ow! Damn, girl, that was unnecessary. Do you take this man to be your husband?”
“Only because that jerk Paul Kirby ran out on me when I told him I was pregnant with his kid.”
“Good enough.” Cooper agreed. “And you, Brother Ahjay?”
Ahjay sighed. He looked to his friend Roland for any last second advice. Roland just gave him a look that said ‘Do what you must.’ And so Ahjay agreed. “I do”
Brother Cooper nodded. “And if anybody here sees any reason why this couple should not be married, let him sPeak now or forever hold his peace!”
The only voice heard was Nash singing “It’s a nice day for a white and tan wedding…”
With no objections, Cooper was ready to finish up. “Then by the powers vested in me by www.fake-licenses.com, I now pronounce you husband and--”
“MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A TRUCK, BERSERKER!!!” interrupted a Boom Box being held up in the air at the door on the right by a desperate looking German named Dieter Stark. “WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKING F*CK, BERSERKER!”
“What in the Hell!?” proclaimed Cooper amid all the other confused attendants.
“Dieter? That’s our song…” said Ahjay with a tear in his eye. “I’m sorry Amanda. But I know what I must do now.” And leaving behind his confused bride to be, Ahjay hopped on Dieters moped and they rode away into the gorgeous sunset.
“Wasn’t it just raining?” Ray Arnold asked.
“Oh that’s just great.” said Amanda. “Now who am I supposed to marry?” As if to answer her question, her attention was then drawn to the Plexiglas window where Paul Kirby was banging his fists and calling out Amanda’s name. She looked into his eyes and cried out, “Paul, you jerk! You run out on me and now you have the gall to come back on my wedding day!?”
Paul ran down the stairs to meet her followed by two of his buddies. “Hold on, I can explain! I never ran out on you. I just wanted to surprise with the biggest diamond ring I could buy, but I didn’t have any money. So I purchased three plane tickets to South Africa for me, Rob Mudoon and Eddie Carr where we got workers visas and got jobs in a diamond mine. I would have been back sooner, but we got caught up in white slave market and a whole bunch of things didn’t go our way. But I’m here now baby. And I wanna help you raise our child.”
Amanda tried to hold back the tear in her eye. “Damn you Paul, you always know what to say.”
“Say you’ll marry me?”
“Do you have the giant diamond ring you went out for?”
Paul turned to his friend Eddie Carr, a stubby dude with dreadlocks and a big nose. “Eddie? The ring if you may?”
“Uh, yeah dude? Slight prob. It um, hasn’t passed through my system yet.”
There was a collective “Eww” from the audience.
“Oh, hold on mate.” Said Rob Muldoon, a club hopping Lime with a pacifier necklace and a big funky striped hat. He placed his hand into his wife-beater and pulled out a ring. Although not the kind Amanda was hoping for. “I got ya covered.”
“I guess this will have to do for now.” said Paul as he got down on one knee. “Amanda? With this nipple ring I thee wed!”
Brother Cooper took a second to collect himself. “Alright then. New Guy! Do you solemnly swear t--”
An annoyed “YES!” came out of the lips of both Paul and Amanda.
“Fine.” said Cooper. “You’re married now! Go have kids, I’m out.”
And just as Cooper turned around to leave, Amanda began having another series of contractions. She screamed in pain while Paul tried to get a handle on the situation. “What is it, honey? Do you have to use the John?”
“The baby!” Amanda screamed. “Paul! The baby! It’s--It’s--” And just then, riding a broken waterfall out of Amanda’s dress, a shaggy looking baby crawled out of his placenta.
“Wah! Wah, I say!” said the baby. “I tell you Waaah! Somebody get me some damned pants, it is intolerably cold in here!”
1/26/2004 12:13:51 AM
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