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C-Men part 4
By CeratosPit
Previously, on C-Men...
Russian News Stripper: And finally you may all remember last month’s story about the eight Australian boys in Australia who were found comatose. The first one to awaken recently claimed that they were all trying to, quote “gangbang a very slutty sheila” and lost consciousness seconds after touching her.
Raphael: ARIEL,-MARY-JEAN,-CHIWUEZE,-PACK-YOUR-BAGS.-I-HAVE-AN-ASSIGNMENT-FOR-YOU.
Chiwueze: We going to Disney World?
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*Australia. In a boxing ring surrounded by roaring sPectators, a mighty fist punches a red kangaroo square in the jaw and knocks the poor creature out cold. The incoherent screams of the crowd all turn into boos directed at the man standing above the unconscious marsupial. His expression is boredom*
Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WINNER AND STILL THE KANGAROO BOXING CHAMPION OF THE WORLD…THE WOMBAT!
*Wombat is an extremely muscular fellow just shy of an average man’s height but if you were to see him shirtless as he is now, the first thing perhaps you would notice is the rather thick coat of body hair covering him. H pulls his sPectacles from the right pocket of his khakis and walks casually out of the ring, desensitized the jeers of the audience*
Angry fan: You suck, Wombat!
Angrier fan: Bollocks!
*Wombat strolls over to the bar just behind the bleachers and takes a seat. Jokko, the proprietor and barkeep of “Jokko’s Roo Fighting Bar And Grill” sighs disappointedly and walks over*
Wombat: Gemme a jar of Vegemite, bum.
Jokko: You know Harry, just last week you were actually good for business. But when you knock out your opponents a second after the fight begins, your gonna incite a bloomin’ riot! People come to my establishment to see man and beast fight tooth and nail for guts and glory! The way you do it, well you might as well bring a bleedin’ gun to--
Wombat aka Harry: ’Ow about a little less talk, a little more stereotypical Aussie grub?
*Jokko throws his arms up in the air and goes into the back room*
Jokko: Oh for--put a bloomin’ shirt on! Your scaring my customers.
*Inside the rather large storage closet, Jokko pulls a few jars off of his shelf. Behind him, on a small mattress in the corner, a girl wearing a hooded robe sits up and sPeaks*
Courtney: Daddy? Can…can I please step out for a bit?
Jokko: No.
Courtney: But I’ve been in ‘ere for a month. I need some fresh air.
Jokko: Pig’s arse! Some fresh ass is more likely! Too long ‘ave you been whoring it up in your school, Courtney, and when you put those boys in a coma last month it became abundantly obvious that the good Lord turned you into a stinking mutie as punishment! Get used to living in solitary confinement, kiddo. You’ll be in ‘ere for a long time!
*Harry heard everything. He decided that once he made himself a vegemite sandwich, he’d give Jokko a piece of his mind. How he’d do this, he hadn’t thought up to yet. His train of thought was interrupted by a pair of talking kangaroos standing behind him. One, whom he’d just KO’d, tapped his shoulder*
Joey: ‘Ey! Ocker!
Boomer: C’mon, Joey. Just drop it.
Joey: No! I won’t drop it. I’ve fought ‘undreds of blokes ‘is size, and none of ‘em ever hit like that! London to a brick, this Figjam’s a shonky rort!
Courtney: *from the back* Please daddy? Just for a moment?
Jokko: *from the back* No! Sit back down!
Harry: Rack off, wallaby. Before I give you a second pouch.
Courtney: *from the back* I’m sorry dad! Please put down the 2x4!
Jokko: *from the back* A little late for apologies, luv!
Joey: Second pouch this!
*Joey the Roo messes up Harry’s strange hair. The man looks none too pleased. In the closet, Jokko lifts a plank of wood overhead, ready to strike at his frightened daughter*
Jokko: This’ll teach you not to--Oof!!!
*A flying kangaroo knocks the deadbeat dad over and both lie momentarily stunned on the ground. Courtney looks out the door to see it blocked by a very angry, muscular in a sleeveless black T-shirt with a smiley face on it*
Harry: NOBODY…TOUCHES…THE HAIR!
*With a sound of “SHIZNIT! SHIZNIT!”, a plunger, a ruler, a key, a toothbrush, a grappling hook and a sPoon all pop out of Harry’s knuckles. He lunges into the closet and proceeds to beat the tar out of Joey and Jokko. By now, a rather large crowd has gathered at the bar behind Boomer the Roo to hear the fight going on in that closet. After several seconds, the roughed up bartender and kangaroo are thrown out into the crowd*
Jokko: Crikey!
Joey: Eep!
*Harry steps out with his hair fixed up and utility claws still exposed. He angrily shouts to the crowd*
Harry: I didn’t c’mere for all this! All I wanted to do was make a sanger!!!
Barfly 1: Blimey! ‘E’s got thingos on ‘is knuckles!
Barfly: ‘Im’s a bloody mutant!
Sam Neill: What glorious hair!
*All the patrons proceed to pull out there guns and point them at Harry. Boomer pulls one out of his pouch and Sam Neill pulls out a knife from his sock. Harry‘s obviously got another brawl on his hands*
Harry: Oh, ripper.
To be continued...
-Mutant file
Name: Harry???
Alias: Wombat
Nationality: Australian?
Distinguishing traits: Muscular frame, more body hair than he knows what to do with, two pointy “hair horns”, well trimmed beard and mustache, eyeglasses and a sleeveless black shirt with a yellow smiley face on it which he believes protects him from evil sPirits.
Known mutant abilities: Forearms chockfull of “utility claws” which pop out of his knuckles (salad fork, hair dryer, toenail clipper, fishing pole, etc…), an unbreakable skeleton laced with diamonds and an alcoholic healing factor which converts liquor into health restoring pathogens.
Affiliation: Unknown
Think bastard fusion between: Wolverine, the Punisher and Batman
-On Scales Of One To Seven-
Intelligence: 3.5
Strength: 4
sPeed: 2.5
Durability: 6.5
Energy Projection: 0
Fighting skills: 7
1/8/2005 1:10:50 PM
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