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C-Men part 3
By CeratosPit
Previously, on C-Men... A murderous mutant goes on a killing sPree! But who was he working for?
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*In the Radio Hut of the Byerbeewair Mall, a man with a bubbling, bald cranium watches this broadcast intently from inside his motorized baby carriage. Professor Raphael Nunez Chavez Diesisiete very obviously a mutant, but with the help of a simple mind trick, he is seen by all around him as an average looking man in a baby carriage. All who look at him see this and turn their attention back to the shiny doodads on sale. Raphael, however, can instinctively feel one pair of eyes focused intently on him. In the doorway stands a half-turned figure in an old duster jacket and a downward fedora casting a shadow on his face. Yet before this strange man even turns and walks out of the store, Raphael recognizes him. The motorized carriage follows him out into the mall and the man halts to a voice that sounds like a Mr. sPeak-n-sPell*
Raphael: *through a sPeech collar* HAVEN’T-YOU-EVEN-THE-TIME-TO-SAY-HELLO-TO-AN-OLD-FRIEND,-OMAR?
*Omar Lencherrez, now grown up for some time removes his hat and looks back to smile at his old friend. His hair is still kept in silvery white cornrows as he had worn in his childhood ever since that fateful day. Time had taken it’s toll on Omar’s face which is now adorned by a stylish beard and mustache that run back to his sideburns*
Omar: Well, well, well. Do mine eyes deceive me, Raphael Nunez Chavez Diesisiete or do you deceive them for me? To what do I owe the pleasure of hearing your voice again?
Raphael: YOU-SMUG-SON-OF-A-BITCH.-I-TAKE-IT-YOU-HAVE-HEARD-THE-NEWS-OF-THIS-MUTANT-ASSASSIN?
Omar: Ah, yes. The one who slays those in power that would put our ever-growing subsPecies into concentration camps. I applaud his or her efforts.
Raphael: APPLAUD-THEM?-OR-EMPLOY-THEM?
Omar: I’m…sorry. Did you just insinuate that I was behind these tragic attacks?
Raphael: INSINUATE?-I-BELIEVE-THAT-WAS-A-FLAT-OUT-ACCUSATION.
Omar: My dear Raphael, appalled and complemented as I am that you would make such a groundless citation on my behalf, you can rest assured when I tell you that I had nothing to do with it.
Raphael: YOU-ARE-LYING.
Omar: Now what on Earth makes you think--Oh, I see. You’re up here, aren’t you? Deciphering my private thoughts? Whatever happened to your code of ethics, Raphael?
Raphael: ACTUALLY,-OMAR,-YOU-HAVE-A-TELL.
*Omar continues shaking his right leg vigorously*
Omar: Don’t be ridiculous. I do not.
*At this point, two beautiful women approach Omar. One is a tall, statuesque Jamaican with long, braided hair and an ass that J-Lo would envy. The other is a raven-haired HisPanic beauty of shorter stature with large, firm breasts*
Velektra: Sir, we found some very lovely curtains at Linens ‘n Shit.
Omar: Thank you, my dear. Raphael, you remember my beards, don’t you? Nelisa Darkholme and Velektra Nachos.
Raphael: LADIES.
*Omar places his arms around the two women and they walk off*
Omar: Well, as much as I would love to stick around and be bombarded by your erroneous fallacies, old friend, I have an evil lair that is in DIRE need of ornamentation.
Raphael: GIVE-THEM-A-CHANCE,-OMAR.-MANKIND-HAS-COME-A-LONG-WAY.
Omar: *stopping* Oh, I’ll give them a chance, alright. A chance to die!!! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
*As Raphael disappointedly watches his oldest friend walk off with his nefarious intentions still intact, he can see tiny sParks run off of his fingertips. Meanwhile, in the mall’s food court, more mutants go on about their lives. Two young men, one a tall black capped with a white widow’s peak carries a bucket of fried chicken to his friend, (yet another) HisPanic fellow, apparently blind, whose strap-on sunglasses appear to be broadcasting cartoons in the lenses*
Chiwueze Munroe: Man, I ain’t gonna lie. I LOVE fried chicken like a fat kid loves cake. That make me a stereotype?
Ariel Airlock: Only if you’d jump out of a window after some.
Chiwueze: You KNOW I would!
*A few feet away at the Wisconsin Toasted Fowl, the gorgeous, auburn-haired Mary Jean Grinstead gives a lesson to a small group of mutant students. Her beautiful blue-green eyes and smile are enough to warrant the attention of any man, but those of her students born with a Y-chromosome focus on two of her more noticeable endowments*
MJ: So you see, children, because the dinosaurs couldn’t compete with the superior chicken, they all went extinct. This concludes our lesson on the history of WTF today. If anybody has any questions, see me after lunch.
*The students themselves are an interesting looking group. Most noticeable, perhaps is Francois Drake whose anatomy and composition is identical to that of a snowman. Sitting on his head is a muscular Russian teen, Tiny RasPulinivitch who measures a proportionately accurate ten inches in height. Next to them both, stands Tiny’s Jewish girlfriend, Sarah Pryme in what seems to be skintight black S&M leather. It’s a body tattoo. Sarah is naked. Also tattooed (though not as fully) is Puerto Rican cutie Jalissa Lee. Her tatt at present was a rainbow on her stomach. Finally, perhaps the least consPicuous of the bunch is the well tanned Johnny Alexdyce. At present, a couple long-haired Jersey boys make their way to the group. One, a dirty blond in baggy hip-hop attire and a beanie hat with the letter J on it. The other a portly black-bearded fellow in a trench coat, a baseball cap and seventy two cigarettes stuffed into his mouth*
J: Yo, any o’ yous guys got a light? I wanna see if tubby here can take seventy two menthols, Nooch!
Johnny: Yeah, I got a light. Pull my finger.
J: …Okay!
*Upon having his finger pulled, a jet of flames shoot out of Johnny’s ass and engulf the hapless strangers. He laughs maniacally. A moment later, the flames die out and reveal the charred duo. The cigarettes have all been lit, but J finds himself understandably upset and grabs Johnny by the neck of his sweatshirt*
…YO, YOU’RE DEAD, MOTHERF-- Oh I Wish I Were An Oscar Meyer Weiner!
*J inexplicably starts to walk away singing and is joined by his quiet friend who sPits out the menthols*
…That Is What I Really Wanna Be! Cuz If I Were An Oscar Meyer Weiner, Everyone Would Be In Love With Me!!!
*Everybody stares disappointedly at Johnny, namely Ms. Grinstead*
Johnny: Uh, Thanks, Ms. G but I had it under contr--OW!
*Francois smacks Johnny upside the head with his branch-like arm*
MJ: One-No you didn’t. Two-I didn’t stop that guy from kicking your sorry butt.
Raphael: *rolling up* No, I did. And the next time you feel like showing off, make sure the hot chicks are paying attention.
*Tiny presently shows off his rock-hard abs to Sarah and Jalissa. Ariel rushes over to the Professor*
Ariel: Professor! I think you should see this!
*Ariel turns up the volume on the side of one of his violet tinted sunglass lenses and everybody watches the news bulletin being performed by a Russian stripper*
Francois: Hey Tiny, it’s your mom.
Tiny: Shut upsky!
Russian News Stripper: And finally you may all remember last month’s story about the eight Australian boys in Australia who were found comatose. The first one to awaken recently claimed that they were all trying to, quote “gangbang a very slutty sheila” and lost consciousness seconds after touching her.
Raphael: ARIEL,-MARY-JEAN,-CHIWUEZE,-PACK-YOUR-BAGS.-I-HAVE-AN-ASSIGNMENT-FOR-YOU.
Chiwueze: We going to Disney World?
To be continued...
-Mutant file
Name: Ariel Airlock
Alias: Devilbox
Nationality: Bronx-born Puerto Rican
Distinguishing traits: Lanky physique, short black hair, purple tinted strap-around sunglasses with television broadcasts in the lenses, carries a red and white walking stick, girly name.
Known mutant abilities: Ariel is an organic antenna who picks up television broadcasts and blasts them out of his eyes in a destructive, purple beam of concussive energy which can only be contained by his skin and lavender quartz lenses. Due to this power, he is blind to all but the broadcasts he receives (which are any and all in the world) and has four other heightened senses.
Affiliation: Field leader of the C-Men.
Think bastard fusion between: Cyclops and Daredevil.
-On Scales Of One To Seven-
Intelligence: 5
Strength: 2
sPeed: 3
Durability: 2
Energy Projection: 7
Fighting skills: 6
12/20/2004 11:28:26 AM
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