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C-Men part 2
By CeratosPit
Last time, On C-Men...
Little Omar Lecherrez discovered that he was basically a human Tesla Coil. And his dad sold him into slavery.
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SEVERAL YEARS LATER IN THE SOMEWHAT MORE DISTANT FUTURE…
*Pierogiham Palace in Warsaw. A place that the King of Poland calls home. We find his majesty relaxing in the hot tub of his royal sPa room*
King of Poland: *sigh* Life sure goes ‘dobze’ when you’re the King of Poland. Like me. The King of Poland.
*Suddenly, six Polish secret service agents disturb the serenity and rush in with a sense of urgency*
Secret Service Agents: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!…
King of Poland: Gah! What is the meaning of this!?
Head agent: It’s a code ‘niebieski’, your Polishness. A dangerous mutant got in past security and is making his way here!
King of Poland: Now…when you say “mutant”, do you mean the supernaturally endowed variety or some inbred hicks again?
*A loud “FART” sound reports from thirty feet behind the king’s hot tub which is now surrounded by the agents. Everybody points their guns at a most bizarre humanoid creature standing in a dissipating cloud of gases. Approximately six feet tall, this man (if such a word can be used to describe it) is almost entirely covered in blue fur ranging in length from a millimeter on his face to an inch on his limbs. Only monkeylike hands and cloven hooves are devoid of any hair. Above and behind those digitigrade legs writhes what seems to a long, prehensile tail tipped with a scorpion’s stinger. Finally, that of his face which does not remain hidden behind his long, black, wavy hair and short beard seemed human enough but for his glowing green eyes. The only garments he wore were cut-off denim shorts and a doo-rag*
Tailwagger?: Who are you calling a backwoods Hillbilly, ‘your heinous’?
King of Poland: Agh! Shoot that thing!
*The King’s agents release fire on the frightful mutant but ere any of the bullets fly out of their resPective weapons, the creature disappears in a cloud of that vile smelling gas with it’s “FART” sound silenced amid the roar of handguns. An instant later, he reappears in another thick fog up on the ceiling, like a human sPider unseen by the perplexed Poles*
GasPasser?: Before you try that again, boys, I’ve got a question for you all…
*He pulls out a fresh sausage from his back pocket and waves it about*
…Who wants fresh kielbasa!?
All Agents: *in unison* We Want fresh Kielbasa!
Meatyanker?: Fetch!
*The mutant tosses the fresh kielbasa out of the second story window with all six hungry agents follow it*
Falling agent: Get that kielbasa!
King of Poland: *to self* In retrosPect, I probably should have checked their credentials before hiring any of them.
*The dreadful mutant “telefarts” once more from the ceiling onto the edge of his majesty’s hot tub*
Kingkiller?: You PROBABLY should have sPrung a few ‘zlote’ for a better security system. Those guard goats aren’t particularly territorial.
King of Poland: Who the 'kurwa' sPent my hard earned cheese on guard goats!? I said I wanted sheep, damn it! I’m not made of money! I’m not Bill Gates!
Facestabber?: Yeah, well, tell Billy I said ‘Czesch’ when you see him, kay?
*The King of Poland’s scream only lasts half a second until this mutant assassin’s tail stabs him in the face. Within an hour, all major news broadcasting stations in the world cover this story. The most prominent being “The O’Malley Constituent”*
Gil O’Malley: You're watching FUX News Channel, welcame back to The O'Malley Constituent. In Mutant Menace segment, the King of Poland was murdered tonight in a similar fashion to the Mayor of Albuquerque, the Prince of Antarctica and the robot body housing Bill Gates’ brain earlier this week. Is a mutant indeed behind these attacks or are they being performed by, as I believe, left wing gangsta rapper mutants? With us now are Grettle Von Doomstren, John Vannity and Aaron Homes. Grettle what’s your take on this latest tragedy?
Grettle: Well, Gil, I, uh, isn’t Poland a democracy?
Gil: I don’t know, I’m American. John, Aaron, what do you guys think?
*Aaron and John grope and kiss each other*
Gil: Jesus, save that for your own show!
Grettle: Uh, Gil, can I say something?
Gil: Shut up, pinhead!
*In the Radio Hut of the Byerbeewair Mall, a man with a bubbling, bald cranium watches this broadcast intently from inside his motorized baby carriage*
To be continued...
-Mutant file
Name: Professor Raphael Nunez Chavez Diesisiete
Alias: Professor NC-17
Nationality: (very) White Dominican
Distinguishing traits: Large ears, a moving, misshapen scalp, a “sPeech collar” on his neck and he gets around in a motorized baby carriage.
Known mutant abilities: Quite possibly the world’s most powerful telepath. He can erase one’s mind, or upload vast knowledge into it, possess a small crowd to do his will, temporarily switch people’s minds and telepathically induce sPontaneous yet beautifully choreographed song and dance sequences.
Affiliation: Founder of the C-Men and headmaster at the NC-17 University for Sexy Young Mutants
-On Scales Of One To Seven-
Intelligence: 6.5
Strength: 0.5
sPeed: 5*
Durability: 1.5
Energy Projection: 7
Fighting skills: 6**
*His motorized baby carriage can run at 175mph.
**Has all the knowledge of a Kung Fu master but must telepathically possess others to fight for him.
12/17/2004 2:15:28 PM
(Updated: 12/17/2004 2:17:51 PM)
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