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Bat-Grant Returns
By CeratosPit
Previously, On Bat-Grant...
“Cheryl, what is it?” Alan asked.
“It’s Billy!” she explained. “We were playing Laser Tag, and he fell into one of those large pits outside the camp!”
“Billy are you hurt?”
“No. Luckily, this over-sized T-rex skull I landed on broke my fall.”
*But the teenager in the fedora hat grabbed his enraged opponents wrists, fell on his back and forced Horner through the air with a powerful thrust of his feet. Horner flew through the air and landed in a tattoo booth a couple of feet away. Apparently it was “Get a Tattoo Day” at the Museum of Big Dead Things. Al got back up and heard Horner scream in pain. Seconds later, Horner stepped out with half of a clown face tattooed on his face. Everyone in the museum pointed and laughed. Al was among them, laughing the hardest. “Oh Man!” Al guffawed. “Wait’ll they get a load of you! At school!”
Jack Horner walked hurriedly out of the museum. “I’ll get you for this, Alan Grant! If it’s the last thing I do!"*
Just then, Cheryl slammed opened the door and ran into the trailer. “Alan! It’s gone! The skull is gone! Oh, but I found this note where the skull was!” And she gave the note to Alan. It said…
“I TOLD YOU I WOULD GET YOU, ALAN!
-The Horner”
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“Alan? Who’s…‘The Horner’?” Billy asked.
“Jack Horner.” Alan said with narrowed eyes.
“Little Jack Horner?” Cheryl wondered. “Who sat in a corner?”
“Eating his Christmas pie?” Billy added.
“No! Jack Horner the paleontologist!” Alan explained. “My arch rival ever since that day I accidentally gave him a tattoo on half his face when we were kids.” Billy and Cheryl just blinked. Grant rolled his eyes. “He kinda sounds like Tom Green?”
“Oh! That dude!” Cheryl smacked her forehead. “Wait a sec, he doesn’t have a tattoo over half his face!”
“Well obviously, he had it removed.” Alan said. “But he’s still angry and that’s why he…no, wait a second. How could he have possibly known about the T-rex skull to steal it in the first place? Nobody outside of us three-- and Alfred, my butler/cousin-- knew about it and we didn‘t tell anyone about it.”
“Uh, yeah…” Billy said as he backed off susPiciously. “Nobody…”
“Billy?” Alan crossed his arms and asked his protégé. “Did you tell anybody about the oversized T-rex skull we found last night?”
“What!?” Billy asked in a shocked tone. “Alan, I’m surprised you would even think I could do something like that behind your back!” Just then the phone rang. “Haven’t I always been a loyal and honest friend to you?” Cheryl walked over and answered the phone. “Come on, when have I ever abused your trust? Aside from that time I stole the raptor eggs back on Sorna, I mean.”
“One moment, please.” Cheryl said into the phone. “Billy, it’s the Museum of Big Dead Things! They want to know if you want the $40,000,000 dollars for the T-rex skull in cash or if they should just write you a check.”
“Tell them I want it in unmarked bills!” Billy slipped up. He then noticed Alan’s disappointed demeanor. “Oops. I mean, um, what Museum? I didn’t make any deals with the Museum of Big Dead Things! And certainly none having to do with the T-rex skull I didn’t tell anyone about!”
“Billy!” Alan screamed.
“Alright, I’m sorry!” Billy sobbed. “I called them on an impulse! I figured the skull would be enough to keep us funded for at least three more years! You have to believe me, I know this was a stupid decision, but--”
“Actually, Billy, I was going to do the same thing.” Alan admitted. “But the problem is we don’t have the T-rex skull now, do we? And we have no means of getting it back.” Just then, there was a knock on the door. “Billy, you didn’t tell anyone else about our discovery, did you?”
“No, sir, I did not!” Billy confessed.
Alan went up to the door and opened it. Outside, he saw no less then thirty reporters from various science magazine’s and dinosaur websites. “Dr. Grant, is it true that you found a twenty foot T-rex skull?” “Did you find any evidence that used heat vision to hunt it’s prey?” “When can we sPeak to the skull?”
“No! No! And I’m afraid that the skull may not be reached for comments at this time! Now go home!” With that he shut the door. “Damn it, Billy! I thought you said you didn’t tell anyone else!”
“Oh, no he didn’t.” Cheryl said. “That was my fault. You know, tell a friend who happens to work at the Science Times, they tell two friends…”
Alan could not believe how irresPonsible his partners apprentices were. But before he could scold Cheryl too, there was another knock on the door. “Alfred!” he screamed.
“Yes, Master Alan?” Alfred called back from the bathroom.
“Is there anything you would like to tell me?”
“Yes, Master Alan. You’re bath has been drawn.”
“Anything else?”
“No, sir.” Alfred said pissing into the bubble bath. “Nothing at all.”
Alan then turned back around and reluctantly opened the door. It was a delivery boy. “Package for Mr. Billy Brennan.” the boy said handing Billy the package and a clipboard. “Sign here, here, here and here.” Billy complied, but made a mistake. “No, not there! Here!”
“Oops! This is permanent ink.” Billy said. “What did I sign?”
“Well, you just sold your soul to Michael Eisner.”
“Hmm, it wouldn’t be the first time.” Billy said. He opened up his package and thousands of hundred dollar bills flew out and filled the trailer’s living room. He, Alan and Cheryl all had joygasms and they rolled around on the freshly lain out, money carpet!
“Oh my God!” Alan screamed. “I’m going to take a crap and wipe my ass with some of this money!”
“I’ll do one better!” Cheryl claimed. “I’ll actually eat some money and crap it out later!”
“You guys are disgusting!” Billy cried. “Brr! It’s getting cold in this trailer. I’m gonna hire a maid, and then throw her in the fireplace! And then I’m gonna hire another, more attractive maid and make sweet love to her by the fire! And then when the fire dies, I’ll throw her in it too!”
“Hey! Alright for you guys!” congratulated the delivery boy. “By the way, tipping is customary, you know!”
“No, it’s a city in China!” Alan told him before he slammed the door in his face. “What do we look like, a friggin’ charity?” He then turned to Billy and Cheryl, who were building a snowman out of money, and began taking off his clothes. “Alright guys, I’m going to take my bath now. And as soon as I’m finished, we’re going shopping!”
“YAY!” Billy and Cheryl cried gleefully.
Alan took off his pants, ran into the bathroom and jumped into the tub. With a sPlash, he could be heard saying. “Wow, Alfred, this water’s really warm! And it tastes like the lemonade you make!”
Later, the trio had a grand musical montage featuring them developing a ghetto-fabulous lifestyle. Alan purchased a sleek new black car which he drove back to the trailer in. Later, he flew home in a black jet and after that he drove home (which in case you‘ve forgotten is on the outskirts of the Montana badlands) in a sleek black boat. Boy, would Ian Malcolm be jealous! Billy purchased countless gizmos from the Sharper Image and the most advanced computers Apple had to offer. Which isn’t saying very much, I know. He also had a swimming pool dug up behind the Grant trailer. Finally, Cheryl found herself sPending money on all types of clothing, from the dashing, to the ridiculous. Namely tights and capes.
Later that evening, they decided to take a nice relaxing dip in Billy’s pool with various fly bitches. “I tell you, Billy,” Alan told Billy, “This has been quite a day. And best of all, there are no dinosaurs for miles around!”
“You can say that again, Alan!” Billy said.
“By the way, Billy where did you get all these fly hoes from?”
“I rented them from Eddie Griffin’s House of Pimp. Don’t get your bitches from anywhere else!” Billy and Alan raised their champagne glasses.
Cheryl on the other hand, didn’t look to pleased with her hoes. “Not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment, Billy, but you couldn’t have gotten me some, I don’t know, male bitches?”
“Oh you’d love that, wouldn’t you, you hussy?” Billy angrily replied. Just then, one of Billy’s hoes’ head popped out of the water in front of him and breathed heavily. “Hey, what is this? I’m not paying you to come up for air!” And he pushed her head back down.
“I don’t know how we ever got along without the money that museum gave us for the T-rex skull we lost.” Alan said in a resting voice.
“And the best part of all is we didn’t have to do anything for it!” Billy laughed.
A moment later, Alan’s cousin/butler Alfred walked over to the pool with a well dressed visitor in sunglasses behind him. “Master Brennan? A Mr. Cletus Crow to see you.”
“Who the hell are you?” Billy asked.
“I’m the curator of the Museum of Big Dead Things.” Crow replied. “I’ve come for my oversized T-rex skull.”
“Uh, what oversized T-rex skull?” Billy asked, having completely forgotten.
“The one I‘ve given you a ridiculously large amount of money for.” Crow explained.
The trio gasPed in realization that they had sPend so much of the money without even having the skull to back it up. “Excuse us for just a moment!” Billy told the curator, and he huddled up with Alan, Cheryl and the hoes. “Guys, what are we gonna do! We don‘t have the skull!”
“Maybe if we just tell him the truth about what happened, we could refund everything and pay him back.” Cheryl suggested.
“Cheryl, that’s the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever heard!” Billy told her. “Besides, I’ve already thrown five maids and six original Van Gough’s on fire! Look, there goes Starry Night!” He pointed to the classic work of art go up in smoke in a bonfire.
“Alright, I‘ve got a plan.” Alan said. He pulled a fishnet out of the water, filled with money. “Billy, you and Cheryl take this wet money, go to the research tent and make a paper mache T-rex skull! It‘s dark in there, so maybe it‘ll fool him!”
“But won‘t that take a while?” Cheryl asked.
“Don‘t worry.” Alan reassured her. “I‘ll keep him busy.”
“You‘re the best, Alan!” Billy said before dashing out of the pool with Cheryl into the tent.
“So, Mr. Curator!” Alan said to the curator while climbing out of the pool. “Would you care for some coffee?”
“Well, no, I just came to load the skull up into my limousine and--”
“That’s great!” Alan put his arm around the curator and practically forced him to come into the trailer with him. “But the skull will still be there when we’re finished! …I hope.”
“You hope?” The curator asked. “For what?”
“I hope…you have time to watch some home movies with me!”
About an hour later, the curator was bored out of his mind, drinking cold coffee while a home movie featuring Billy running around back and forth with a porcupine stuck to his butt played. Alan on the other hand was laughing uncontrollably at the movie. “Oh man, that was the best game of porcupine baseball ever! I tell you, I hit several out of the park that day! I can swing a bat at large rodents like nobody’s business!”
“Yes, that’s wonderful, Dr. Grant.” said the curator standing up. “But it’s really an important matter that I get that T-rex skull and bring it to the museum. And I do mean right now, so please take me to it.”
“Yes, listen, there’s a slight problem with the skull…” Alan began explaining. The curator didn’t look to pleased. “You see, I promised my nephew Alonzo that he could see it tomorrow before I sent it off to the museum, and--”
“You’re lying.” said Crow. “You don’t have the skull, do you?”
“What!?” Alan cried. “Why that is the most insulting accusation I’ve ever been insultingly accused with!”
“Then show it to me.” said the Curator. “If you really have it, I’ll come back for it tomorrow. If not, I’ll come down on you like a ton of bricks.”
Alan checked his watch. Enough time should have passed for Billy and Cheryl to finish the model. “Very well. Follow me.” Alan walked very slowly and the Curator had no trouble keeping up with him. “I’m not going to fast for you am I?”
“Something tells me you’re stalling for time, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.”
Eventually, they reached the tent, but when Alan looked inside, he was filled with sheer horror. There was no skull, but a green paper mache lump on the ground and Billy and Cheryl were running around the tables and desks playing Laser Tag! “What the hell are you guys doing!?” Alan asked with his teeth clenched as if trying to scream and whisPer at the same time.
“We were taking a break.” Cheryl said.
Before Alan could turn back outside, the curator walked into the tent next to him. He was facing the green lump on the floor through his dark sunglasses. “So this is it, eh? You‘re giant T-rex skull?”
Alan didn‘t know what to say. “Yes, well I realize from this angle and in this shade it doesn’t look like a T-rex skull, but--”
“Dr. Grant, you needn’t say anymore.” He took off his sunglasses. “Now, I may be blind, but I can tell by the sincerity in your voice that there really is a gigantic T-rex skull in here.”
“Uh, beg pardon.” Billy interrupted. “You’re blind?”
“As a mole!” The Crow finished. “In fact I’m almost as blind as I am sorry for accusing you of lying, Dr. Grant. And I’m so sorry, I’m just gonna take your word for it. I’m not even gonna go up and feel it or anything. You show little Alonzo this skull tomorrow. I’ll swing by around the same time to pick it up. And be careful that nobody steals that thing! That’s been going on a lot lately.”
“What do you mean that’s been going on a lot?” Cheryl asked.
“Well haven’t you heard the news? All the T-rex fossils in the world have been disappearing over the last few days! Good evening to you all.” And with that, Alfred guided him back to his limo.
“Whose Alonzo?” Billy asked.
“Never mind that now!” Alan said. “What did he mean, all the T-rex fossils in the world have gone missing?”
The trio ran back into their trailer and went over to the TV. The home movie still played, but this time it featured Alan, Cheryl and a bunch of other paleontologists trying to pull the porcupine out of Billy’s butt. “I remember that day!” Cheryl said with a smile. “That was the best game of porcupine baseball ever!”
Billy just grumbled at her. Alan stopped the tape and luckily, a news report featuring the T-rex story was on. “Nobody knows who is behind this mass crime wave of fossil filching, but one piece of evidence gathered reveals this picture of half of a man’s face.” said the anchor. He then showed the image of only half a face. A face Alan Grant found very familiar. “Apparently, whoever it was wore clown makeup on at least that half of his face.”
“I know that design anywhere!” Alan said. “It’s Jack Horner!”
“But I thought you said he had that tattoo removed?” Cheryl said, confused.
“I know. This doesn’t make sense.” Alan pondered aloud. “What does make sense, though is Jack’s hatred for the T-rex. I’ve got a feeling something terrible is about to happen to those fossils!”
“Are you gonna call the police?” Billy asked.
“No. Jack Horner controls the police, the FBI, maybe even the white house.” Alan explained.
“You’re saying the most powerful criminal in America is also a paleontologist?” Cheryl asked.
“No Cheryl, that would be silly.” Alan said solemnly. “He’s the most powerful criminal in the world! The law won’t touch him. So in order to save all those T-rex fossils, we’re going to operate outside the law. Cheryl, where did you put all those weird outfits?”
“They’re in the walk-in closet.” she told him. “Why?”
“Jack Horner is a superstitious cowardly sort.” Alan said as he stepped into the closet and closed the door behind him. “So in order to defeat him, I shall have to use the very thing he fears against him.”
“What’s he afraid of?” Billy asked.
“Bats.” Alan replied from inside the closet. “Since high school, Jack Horner has always been afraid of bats.” He finally stepped out of the closet in a bizarre, black and gray outfit. Black boots, trench coat, gloves, mask and boxers which he put on over his gray sPandex leotard and beneath his utility belt. He didn’t bother changing his hat, though. “By day, I shall be mild mannered paleontologist, Alan Grant. But by night, I undergo the psychological metamorphosis to become the nocturne vigilante…” he whipped out two wooden baseball bats from his trench coat. “…BAT-GRANT!”
4/24/2003 8:05:20 PM
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