300 Dalmatians part 7|
*That afternoon, goths dressed like pirates in black rags carry a litter modeled after a ship on top of which stands the dandiest goth pirate of all, cracking his whip and barking orders as his men walk past their king's impaled scouts*
Captain Emissary: Move! *cracks whip* Move! *cracks whip*
Litter-bearer: Ohhh! Harder, captain!
Captain Emissary: Stop enjoying the delicious pain! *cracks whip* Stop here! *cracks whip*
*The Goth Pirates stop at the sight of the muscular Dalmatian warriors building a wall of rocks and Goth corpses and pouring sPorts drinks over themselves in slow motion over one side of the fork in Thermopantolones divide. Clopinos takes a look a the dapper pirate in black looking down at them*
Captain Emissary: Who commands here!? *is ignored* You all! Scantily clad bronzed demigods who are in no way giving me boner! I asked you a question!*still ignored* Don't you know who I am? I am the Goth King Kuxco's emissary and by that authority, the second highest ranking official in the world! Now answer me! Who commands here!? *still ignored* Listen! Do you think that we are at all intimidated by the fact you've been using our scouts as mortar in your little wall?
Clopinos: Technically it's a dam. We're blocking the river on the other side too.
Captain Emissary: Wall, dam, it's might as well be a little white picket fence. My point stands that we only have more expendible scouts with which to...to...
*The captain looks at the wall and notices his mother, son and family dog lining the wall*
Tarzanos: Actually, could you send more of those our way? See, we ran out of sPies so we ran a background check on some high ranking Goth officials, sent our own scout to YOUR homes, had YOUR family members killed, and used THEM to build this wall. Hope you don't mind.
Captain Emissary: That...is so...NOT COOL!
*As Captain Emissary swings his whip back, Tarzanos unsheaths his sword, leaps out from a rocky outcropping and chops off the Goth's whipping hand. The Goth Pirates drop the litter and run off*
Sweetus: Oh! He Supermanned that ho!
Captain Emissary: My hand! My whip! My new watch!
*The hand lands in the parallel river coming from the other side of the fork. A crocodile eats it*
Tarzanos: They're not yours anymore. *motions for a torch to be passed to him and uses it to cauterize the bloody stump, ignoring the Emissary's screams* Now then...why don't you be a good little emissary and run along back to your king and tell him we've got a whole lot more high profile Goth's to stuff in this wall?
Capatain Emissary: You son of a bitch! The first thing I'm going to do is have a nice sharp hook placed over this stump so I can pimp-slap your face off! And as for that wall, it is going to seem humane compared to what will happen to YOUR women and children!
Tarzanos: *nonchalant* Go on, now. Before I decide to add you to the family reunion.
Captain Emissary: Mark my words, Dalmatian. Before this day is through, a thousund cannonballs will rain down upon you!
Tarzanos: Then we will fight in your balls.
*Up near the caves, Mulanos comes across Herculidas shaving his legs*
Herculidas: Ah, Mulanos! Do me a solid, my good man and shave my back.
Mulanos: ...Um, but I...er, alright...your majesty.
*pulls out her razor and gets to work*
Herculidas: I normally ask my wife to do this but it slipped my mind what with all this getting my war on. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that you were feminine in any way. Quite the contrary, you're one of the most strapping bucks with silky smooth thighs here.
Mulanos: Thank you, my king. I wax routinely.
Herculidas: One can tell! I admire any warrior with such a tenacious dedication to remaining streamlined and aerodynamic in battle. Why I find that after a good scrotum shave--
Mulanos: SO ANYWAY...! How about our position, huh? You don't suppose the Goths will find a means of getting past our phalanx, do you?
Herculidas: No, dear boy, I'm fairly confident our enemies will have no way of getting around us.
Quasimodus: *emerging from a cave* That's not entirely true, my good king.
Herculidas: Oh crap, it's talking to us. Just pretend you're--
Mulanos: Uh, I have to go do...manly stuff. Laterz.
Herculidas: No wait! Don't leave me with--! *she leaves, he groans* Ah crap.
Quasimodus: I apologize for my appearence good king. My botox is wearing thin.
Quasimodus: But I must warn you that there is a way around your position. There is an old monorail that runs over the mountain and leads behind you.
Herculidas: That sounds, like, ridiculously out of place.
Quasimodus: I know, right? There's alot of that going on.
Herculidas: Mm hmm. Tell me, hunchback--
Quasimodus: My name is Quasimodus, sire.
Herculidas: How great for you. Tell me, Hunchback, you wear the weapons and sPotted garments of a Dalmatian.
Quasimodus: Aye, sir. They are my father's. When I was born deformed, he and my mother took my out of Dalmatia so that the monkey wouldn't toss me off the cliff. *He shows Herculidas a picture of Molieres and Yzmas holding him as a baby* I'd like to reclaim my father's honor by serving with your troops and fighting the Goths.
Herculidas: Well, I can barely stand the sight of a poster boy for the necessity of eugenics such as yourself, but you did tip us off about that monorail so I suppose I can grant you this request. Can you fight well?
Quasimodus: Not at all, sire! In fact I have trouble maintaining balance even while standing.
Herculidas: Can you throw a sPear?
Quasimodus: A good 3 to 4 feet behind me!
Herculidas: Can you hold up a shield?
Quasimodus:...I can lean against one.
Herculidas: *sigh* Are you good at anything?
Quasimodus: I can dig a hole quite well!
Herculidas: Riiiiiiight. Hmm. Well, you don't leave me with alot of options. I suppose you can care for the wounded and help maintain weapons.
Quasimodus: What? No! That's girly stuff! I wanna prove to you that I'm just as capable as any able bodied man, except for doing the necessary things that are physically impossible for me to accomplish.
Herculidas: Dude, I'm trying to be nice but you're negating your own logic.
Quasimodus: Up yours! Wahhhhh!!! *runs off crying back into the cave*
Herculidas: Wow, that was really awkward. *earth rumbles* What the hell? Is that an Earthquake?
Tarzanos: No, sire. The Goths are coming.
2 B Continued...
10/10/2008 7:44:15 PM
Comment on this fan fiction!