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300 Dalmatians part 2
By CeratosPit
*Flashback to four horsemen riding dramatically into Zadar, capital of Dalmatia. All are dressed in black with gaudy silver jewelery and ridiculous amounts of eyeshadow. Their leader, Chifus, halts his horse in front of some unflinching Dalmatian soldiers and pulls the heads of Triton, Stephen and other Disney kings from his coffin-shaped man-purse. Cut to a terrified Mowglis running away from the Royal Courtyard only to have Herculidas grab him by the hair and slam him into a pillar. Pocahontasas watches proudly*
Mowglis: Please! *slam* Stop! *slam* Father, I beg you! *slam* Dalmatia’s passed some very strict child welfare laws since you’ve been--!*slam*
Herculidas: Listen, my boy, I know I haven’t been around for the first 8 years of your life but I pledge to make up for all the manliness lessons you missed out on. Your late Grandfather wouldn’t have it any other way! He made me the man I am and we must all honor his memory.
*cut to Belle making out with Phoebus on a terrified looking Beast-skin rug. Cut back to the courtyard. Captain Tarzanas enters*
Tarzanas: My king, there is a Goth messenger and his entourage seeking an audience with you.
Herculidas: In broad daylight? This must be serious. Son, why don’t you run along and play with your friends?
Mowgli: Maybe because you BROKE MY FUCKING LEGS IN HALF!!!
Herculidas: Ha Ha! They’ll grow back. *to Pocahontasas* Come, darling. I’ve never met a real Goth before. *Herculidas, Tarzanas and Pocahontasas head to mainstreet where they find Gastonus bringing the Goths over* Assistant to the Regional King Gastonus, I thought I smelled an Italian shower and the tears of ten year old boys.
Gastonus: Oh, goodness, my Lord are you still mad that I shot your father in that hunting accident?
Pocahontasas: You shot him on the toilet.
Gastonus: He wasn’t wearing orange.
Herculidas: Goth messenger, welcome to Zadar. What is it that you have come to sPeak with me about?
Chifus: Goth Topic.
Pocahontasas: Well, of course it’s a Goth topic, retard. You’re the one with the message.
Chifus: Curb your sex toy, Herculidas. You would do well to teach your wife to hold her tongue in the presence of men.
Pocahontasas: I would if I saw any.
Herculidas: Ohhhhh Snap! Oh Snap! I’m sorry, man, do you want some Aloe Vera for that WICKED BURN!? *high 5s Pocahontasas* Up top! *back to Chifus* I’m sorry, you wanted to discuss some Goth topics?
Chifus: *sigh* No, no. Goth Topic. *takes a scale model of a department store from his lackey Claytonus* The Goth King’s chain of gigantic department stores. He wishes one be built on this location and sent us to survey the land. Imagine our surprise when we found your armpit of a city exactly where he drew a red X on the map.
Herculidas: Heh. Yes. Surprised indeed. I was under the impression that the Goth King Alaric was dead.
Chifus: Aye, he is. The crown now belongs to his angsty teenaged son, Kuxco The Infallibly Esoteric.
Herculidas: Well then, clearly there must have been some sort of mistake.
Chifus: Yes, clearly.
Herculidas: So you go and tell Couscous the autoerotic we wish him good luck in finding a new location for his little shop and--
Chifus: Oh! Ho ho no! No, we’re still building here. Your people will either have to vacate or find employ.
Gastonus: Will there be managerial positions available?
Herculidas: Quiet, you! I see. And suppose we don’t let him?
Chifus: Good king, you are too funny! You have no authority anymore! The Roman Empire has fallen! The Goths now rule all but this little Podunk backwater country and even that will change when the Goth King, and his massive united army of Goths, Huns, Vandals and scene kids sweep through here in three days.
Herculidas: Three days? That…warped…tour you just described will be here in three days?
Chifus: Indeed. I suggest you forget this nonsense about dissuading His Royal Highness and accept the inevitable.
*Herculidas thinks about it. He looks around to see his countrymen, women and children watch him in anticipation. Thinking no more, he pulls out his sword and holds it to Chifus’ neck while other nearby Dalmatian men hold theres up to the Goth entourage before they can lift there crossbows*
Herculidas: Goth Topic indeed. You’ll have plenty of…Goth topics to…talk…about…down… ah, crap, I had a really clever joke and I forgot it.
Chifus: Madman! You are a madman! No man, Dalmatian or Goth, no man threatens the land scout of a King’s construction crew!
Herculidas: You bring the heads and crowns of conquered kings to MY city steps! You insult my queen! You threaten my people with minimum wage retail jobs pedaling what will doubtless be overpriced knick knacks for shallow posers!
Gastonus: How are the chances for job advancement by the way.
Chifus: Pretty fair, depending who you know.
Herculidas: I treat my land with resPect, Goth. Perhaps you should have done the same!
Chifus: This is a wasteland! This is a crap-hole!
*Herculidas looks back at a snickering Pocahontasas*
Pocahontasas: *whisPers* Go on! Do it! Do it!
Herculidas: *turning back to Chifus* A wasteland? THIS! IS! DALMATIA!!!
*Herculidas kicks Chifus backwards over Tarzanas who bent over behind him. Everybody points and laughs as Chifus falls down*
Chifus: This is an outrage! I shall see to it that every Dalmatian in this city, man, woman, and child are killed, stuffed and used as mannequins in the disPlay windows! *He and the other Goths mount their horses and ride out* And your little sPotted doggies too!
Herculidas: Captain?
Tarzanas: Yes, my king?
Herculidas: How many men does it take to deliver a message?
Tarzanas: *puts on his war hood and pulls out his sword* One.
*Tarzanas runs off after the Goths and Herculidas and his wife walk off ignoring the sounds of swords clashing, death gasPs and the victory cry of a bull ape that followed*
Pocahontasas: Darling, as awesome as that was, I’m afraid we’ve only sealed our fate. The Goth King and his army are but a few days away.
Herculidas: Worry not, my love. I’ll see to it that they never set foot in Dalmatia. *kiss* No harm shall ever come to those I love.
*a large official looking black man walks up to them*
Cobrabubblus: Excuse me, are you King Herculidas?
Herculidas: I am. And who are you?
Cobrabubblus: I’m agent Cobrabubblus of social services. We’ve been receiving reports outrageous child abuse coming from your home.
Herculidas: Huh. Ah, yes, we should discuss that. Would you care join me in my study?
*Herculidas gestures downwards to an open manhole surrounded by yellow tape. Cobrabubblus looks down inside*
Cobrabubblus: This is a sewer.
Herculidas: THIS IS DALMATIA!!!
*Herculidas kicks him down into the endless depth of that particular manhole*
Cobrabubblus: Daaaaaang iiiiiiiiiiiit!!!
2 B Continued...
9/7/2008 12:11:19 AM
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