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DJP3P: Members United - Part 1
By Carnotaur3
INT. JAIL CELL – DARK
SPINO144, dazed and confused, looks up and see his captor, SGD.
SPINO144
Okie day!
SGD
You give us spammers a bad reputation, you know that?
SPINO144
Oh la wen ga!
SGD
You really are an idiot, aren’t you?!
CUT TO:
EXT. DAN’S JP3 PAGE - HOME PAGE– DAY
BEN stands around the aisle’s handing out cool looking advertisements.
BEN
Hehe, don’t forget to pick up Ben The Flooder Slayer, your favorite… flooder slayer! You think that was the end? No siry, Bob! I’ve been on my 50th book for months!
AGENT MALCOLM steps behind him and taps him.
AGENT MALCOLM
You might be a mod, but your self promoting is getting annoying.
BEN smiles and hands him a flyer.
BEN
But it’s the 20th season!
AGENT MALCOLM grins and takes the flyer.
Up ahead, CARNOTAUR3 and JPJUNKEE enter the HOME PAGE, seeing hundred’s of members in their seats, waiting for DAN to arrive.
CARNOTAUR3
I’ve never seen this many here before.
JPJUNKEE
Yeah, I bet their all newbies.
CARNOTAUR3
You thinking what I’m thinking?
JPJUNKEE
Initiation?
CARNOTAUR3
Bingo!
As CARNOTAUR3 and JPJUNKEE find a stick on the floor, ICEBREAKER and CARNA enter the HOME PAGE. They’re smiling and watching the mayhem all over the place.
ICEBREAKER
Ah, the good ole’ times are back.
CARNA
Oy, indeed they are.
ICEBREAKER
Now, where’s Dan?
CARNA
I don’t know.
ICEBREAKER
Where’s my sniper?
CARNA
Sniper?
ICEBREAKER
Yeah, and is there a place I can hide?
CARNA pushes him up against a wall.
CARNA
You can’t assassinate the owner of the site?
ICEBREAKER nods in disagreement.
ICEBREAKER
Sure you can, all you have to do is be quiet. Since when did you become Bible boy?
CARNA
Bah!
ICEBREAKER
Ok, can I at least… you know.
CARNA
Tickle him?
ICEBREAKER
(Looks around)
Yeah…
CARNA
He would think your gay, but go right ahead.
ICEBREAKER runs off. CARNA hears screaming coming from behind him. He turns to find DAC running around, guarding his butt with his hands, CARNOTAUR 3 and JPJUNKEE start to chase him around the bleachers with a stick.
DAC
I swear I’m not a newbie!
JPJUNKEE
We know, Dac, just stand still, it doesn’t hurt if you stand still.
CARNA smiles with delight.
CARNA
Things haven’t changed.
Up ahead, DAN pops up from behind the podium. He looks around, seeing the number of members throwing beech balls and Frisbees through the air.
DAN
Hello all!
Everybody quiets down.
DAN (cont’d)
I’m sure you are wondering why I called you guys here.
BEN stands beside him.
BEN
You tell them, Dan!
DAN
A member that you all know and love has an announcement to make.
BEN
An announcement, you shit heads, so pay attention.
DAN
That’s enough Ben, go advertise your Flooder Slayer.
BEN
Ohhh, sounds good!
BEN jumps off the stage.
DAN
May I present to you my enemy in politics, Carnotaur3.
CARNOTAUR3 smiles and slowly walks to the stage’s stairs.
MEMBERS talk amongst themselves in the bleachers.
RAPTORHISS
Did he say Carna?
SPIELBERG1213
Isn’t he that amateur porn film maker?
JURASSICLAW
Gah, he’s so mediocre.
CARNOTAUR 3 approaches the podium as DAN jumps off stage.
CARNOTAUR3
(Through the microphone)
Argahabba COUGH!
His vocal sounds echo and the microphone suddenly falls off the stand and hits DAC in the eye.
EVERYONE laughs.
BEN
Haha, dickhead!
DAC rubs his eye around with his fingers. CARNOTAUR3 grabs the chord of the microphone and leans against the podium to reel it in. But the podium creaks and gives way, all the pieces falling on DAC as he’s getting off his bench.
JURASSICLAW
He’s also really chiche’d.
CARNOTAUR3 finally just holds the microphone.
CARNOTAUR3
Well, it’s me, Carnotaur3, and I have a proposition for you guys. It seems a member here, SPINO144, has been kidnapped from DAN’S JP3 PAGE. I want to send a rescue operation to retrieve our “joke of the page”.
EVERYONE turns to each other and laughs.
BEN
Haha, beyoch!
CARNOTAUR3
Seriously guys, here me out!
CHEETAH
What the –
AMBROSE
Oh, there’s too much stupidity here, I’m leaving – again – and never coming back this time.
CHEETAH
(Sarcastically to Ambrose)
Sure.
CARNOTAUR3
Ok, listen, I know he’s only been here for laughs, and he did spam, but guys, seriously, he was a member here, so didn’t harm us in anyway. A member is always a member and that means we stick together. And who ever tries to mess with any of us, has to pay the ban button.
JPJUNKEE
And who’s going to lead this suicide mission?
CARNOTAUR3
Well, I guess me. I was the one who came up with the plan. But I’ll need a lot of help. So, if you are willing to come, please stand.
CARNOTAUR3 waits. ARAGORN stands up.
ARAGORN
I’m always with you on anything, C3!
CARNA stands.
CARNA
You crack me up with stupidity, so, I guess I’m in.
CARNOTAUR3
Anyone else.
Suddenly, CARNOTAUR3 here’s DAN’S squealing. EVERYONE turns to see ICEBREAKER tickling DAN’S feet. DAN runs away, ICE looks up.
ICEBREAKER
I wouldn’t miss any action!
JPJUNKEE props himself up.
JPJUNKEE
You’ll need a doctor, trust me.
CARNOTAUR3 smiles.
CARNOTAUR3
Then, we’re all set.
CARNA
I guess, but where do you think SPINO144 is? We can’t go searching for an idiot without knowing where a kidnapper would take an idiot.
DARK HUNTER
I vote Chucky Cheese!
CARNOTAUR3
I have sources that say it’s an inside man from UFXN.
JPJUNKEE runs around, waving his hands in the air.
JPJUNKEE
Dan’s rules, UFXN drools.
YVONNE trips him as he rounds the corner of a bench.
YVONNE
That fight was fought years ago, Doc.
JPJUNKEE
Oh, yeah. So, Carno, how do you think we can get there? It’s all the way on the other side of the net.
CARNOTAUR3
I’ve hired a really good pilot from a good friend. May I present Launch-Pad McQuack.
LAUNCH-PAD comes out from the curtains, pilot suit already on.
LAUNCH-PAD
I prefer just Lauch Pad.
JURASSICLAW
Hold the phone, that’s a toon!
LAUNCH-PAD
Yeah, we don’t die.
JPJUNKEE
No, no, Carno, he’s going crash us, I’ve seen the episodes.
CARNOTAUR3
Relax guys, Launch-Pad has now gotten a degree with flying huge cargo plans for the U.S. government, he’s all set. See, he even brought his diploma.
LAUNCH-PAD holds up the diploma.
DAC
I don’t trust anything Scrooge McDuck gives us, I mean, what the fuck happened with that genie in the lamp?
CARNOTAUR3
We don’t have time for this bickering, we need to head on out now, before it’s too late.
8/17/2003 1:07:57 PM
(Updated: 8/17/2003 1:23:44 PM)
(Updated: 8/17/2003 5:23:36 PM)
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