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DJP3P: Members United - Intro
By Carnotaur3
DJP3P: Members United
STORY and SCRIPT by CARNOTAUR3
OPEN ON:
INT. VEHICLE – DAY
The bright sun shines through the windows of the station wagon which is riding on a lonely road. The road’s edges are connected to hot desert and blue sky above. The man driving in the vehicle is PUNKNERD. His passenger is CARNOTAUR3.
PUNKNERD
We’re days behind schedule. Dan’s members will be worried.
CARNOTAUR3
What about? What have we contributed to the site?
PUNKNERD
Two bans.
CARNOTAUR3
Oh yeah, that puts us as the bad guys. Everybody likes bad guys, especially bad girls.
PUNKNERD
It was the only thing I could think of, Mother Fucker.
CARNOTAUR3
Hey, I’m a red light right now, don’t you be putting me on green.
PUNKNERD
What the fuck does that mean?
CARNOTAUR3
It means you don’t put me on green, that’s all I’m saying.
Long uncomfortable silence ensues.
CARNOTAUR 3 laughs hysterically.
PUNKNERD
What the fuck you laughing about?
CARNOTAUR3
Have you ever visited India?
PUNKNERD
No, I had a chance to, but I didn’t want to eat any of there food. I’ve heard it sucks.
CARNOTAUR3
Are you kidding me? They have fast food restaurants in ever corner.
PUNKNERD
Are you shitting me?
CARNOTAUR3
No, every corner. Every little India boy is running down the hill to pick up a Big Mac and some fries. No shitting. You know what they call a Whopper in India?
PUNKNERD
Uh… beats the hell outta me.
CARNOTAUR3
They call it a big penis.
PUNKNERD
No they don’t, they do not fucking call it a big penis.
CARNOTAUR3
Yeah they do, I swear they do.
PUNKNERD
Ok then, what do they call the fries?
CARNOTAUR3
Potato on a stick.
PUNKNERD
Man, you are such a fucking liar. When are you going to stop lying?
CARNOTAUR3
I’m not lying. I tell what I see. You know what they put on those fries?
PUNKNERD
You know I don’t want to know what they put on those fries.
CARNOTAUR3
They put their own feces on it. I swear they do. They fucking drown them in that shit.
PUNKNERD
You are absolutely the worst fiber I’ve ever seen that graced this website.
CARNOTAUR3
I swear I can take you down to India right now. I swear I could prove it. I mean, most of those Indians take a dump in the middle of the street why wouldn’t they take a dump on their fries?
PUNKNERD
You are an idiot; those are Arabians that do that, not the Indians.
CARNOTAUR3
How about you just go turn on the little REAL AUDIO PLAYER you have in your host room and check discovery channel, I’m sure they are playing something that relates to this on there.
PUNKNERD
Whoah, hold up a second.
PUNKNERD looks out his window and notices POLICE OFFICERS hanging around DAN’S JP3 PAGE.
PUNKNERD stops the vehicle right at the front of the yellow tape and proceeds to the officers. CARNOTAUR3 follows.
PUNKNERD (cont’d)
Hey, what’s going on here?
ROBERT PATRICK looks around towards PUNKNERD.
CARNOTAUR3
Oh, shit, I’m expecting him to morph into the ground any second.
ROBERT PATRICK
Relax boys. That was just a roll I played.
PUNKNERD
Sure it was, T-1000. Why are you wearing a cop suit?
ROBERT PATRICK
I recently retired from being an actor. I’m now fighting crime, to protect everyone who needs protecting.
CARNOTAUR3
Who needs protecting here?
ROBERT takes out a photo of SPINO144. The little member in the photo is curled up into a ball in a corner of a wall sucking his thumb.
ROBERT PATRICK
Spino144 disappeared from the MB about two nights ago. We have reason to believe he’s been kidnapped.
PUNKNERD
Who is paying you to find him?
ROBERT PATRICK
That’s classified information.
PUNKNERD
Well if he’s paying you a lot, I’ll triple that for you to stop on the case.
CARNOTAUR3
Hey, PN, what the hell? He’s still a member here; he can’t just be kidnapped without saying goodbye in a post.
PUNKNERD
Fuck that, he was a three year old with a serious spamming problem.
CARNOTAUR3 can’t convince PUNKNERD, so he shrugs and looks inside the cruiser only to see a picture of a 10 year old boy.
CARNOTAUR3
Hey, who is this?
ROBERT PATRICK
Oh, I’m also looking for John Connor. Have you seen him?
CARNOTAUR 3 and PUNKNERD exchange glances and then run down the street towards the message board.
CUT TO:
INT. MESSAGE BOARD – DAY
CARNOTAUR3 opens up a post.
CARNOTAUR3
How my members doing?
RICK ARNOLD
Ah, shit, man, doing fine.
They HAND shake, PUNKNERD just pokes up a FONZE THUMB.
CARNOTAUR3
So, SPINO144 is missing?
RICK ARNOLD
Yeah, dude, but that’s not the bad news. Come in.
CARNOTAUR3, RICK ARNOLD, and PUNKNERD walk to the CHAT ROOM.
CUT TO:
INT. CHATROOM – DAY
RAPTOR HISS is standing and comforting ICE BREAKER is who sitting down in a chair with his feet propped up on a stool.
PUNKNERD is in disgust.
PUNKNERD
Is this what I think it is?
ICE BREAKER
Yeah, my feet were violated.
CARNOTAUR3
What are you talking about?
RICK ARNOLD
I don’t think he wants to talk about it.
RAPTOR HISS intervenes.
RAPTOR HISS
SGD came in and gave him a foot massage.
CARNOTAUR3
Oh, shit, you ok Ice?
ICE BREAKER
No, man, I’m pretty fucking far from ok.
RAPTOR HISS
Alright, nothing to see here, back. Get back.
PUNKNERD and CARNOTAUR3 go into a dark spot in the corner to talk.
CARNOTAUR3
This is serious man.
PUNKNERD
Tell me about it, a man giving a man a foot massage is just as bad as going on a date with ROSIE O’DONEL.
CARNOTAUR3
I think we need to find this guy.
PUNKNERD
No, man, it’s best we let Dan take care of it.
CARNOTAUR3
Dan can’t do this alone. I have a feeling this is bigger than we think.
PUNKNERD
Who would work for SGD?
CARNOTAUR3
Do you not remember the other alias names he had? Do you think everyone of them were him, really?
PUNKNERD
Oh, shit, you may be on to something.
CARNOTAUR3 is just about to turn around when he notices PUNKNERD with a booger hanging out of his nose.
CARNOTAUR3
Hey, man, you have a – um –
CARNOTAUR3 makes signals and then rubs his nose.
PUNKNERD
What?
CARNOTAUR3
Uh, it’s right –
CARNOTAUR3 rubs his nose again. PUNKNERD licks his upper lip with his tongue and the booger is gone.
PUNKNERD
Yeah, I’m messy when I eat at Wendy’s.
CARNOTAUR3
Yeah, I believe you-
(Shakes his head)
-you got it.
7/16/2003 10:14:11 PM
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