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The CarnaRaptor Project
By Carna
THE CARNARAPTOR PROJECT
Dino_Dude skipped along the sidewalk and sang totally hip Vitamin C songs as he was coming back from another exciting day at school. It was already night time here in Whothefuckville and generally a good, disciplined student like Dino made his way home at the echo of the bell. Of course, he ran a little late today on the count of him being thoroughly beaten and harassed by Panos, the school bully, for not doing his homework. Dino_Dude was elusively the personal bitch of every tougher kid at the school – which was pretty much everyone else. He never understood this, he never did anything to them.
“…as we go on…..we remember…all the times we….spent to- OUCH” Dino’s personal joyfulness was cut short by a long, slender object that ricocheted off his giant head.
“What is this?” ,he beckoned, “Who did this!” Tears of pain ran down his cheecks as he looked around both sides of the street trying to find the guilty party. Dino than turned to his direct right and noticed an old lady dressed in all leather waving her hands valiantly at Dino_Dude.
“You wretched shit! That Vitamin C crap is over. Nobody likes her or her gayass ‘du!”
“What the hell did you throw at me?” Dino_Dude shot back
“It’s a dildo you deprived monkey! Jesus” said the old lady, laughing aloud.
“A what?” a puzzled Dude exclaimed.
“A dildo! You know……that….thing” replied the old lady. She continued. “Ah hell, here’s all you need to know – stick it up your ass you punk!’
Dino was appalled by this statement. He had never sworn before or done anything bad, but this old lady pushed his nerves to the limit.
“How can you say such a thing? Vitamin C’s contribution to the entertainment industry is legendary. And “Graduation” is a cult classic you old whore!!” Dino_Dude bellowed, sweat breaking out all over him, and his face was beginning to shine red.
The old women had a puzzled look on her face. “Why do you talk so….gay?” she proclaimed.
“For the last time you wretched little souls of hate……..IM…NOT…GAY!” Dino_Dude’s sanity was overboard and he want insane. He wasn’t going to stand up for any insulting anymore. He dropped his books, lifted his Bugle Boys to his chest and marched towards the old women who had cursed him on the porch. The lady seemed to be expecting this. She got in attack position and awaited Dino_Dude’s arrival.
“You picked the wrong crab-infested, AIDS carrying, transsexual whore to mess with” she whispered as he was just a few feet away from her porch steps.
“Ok grandma. Lets da-“ By the time he finished speaking, the old lady had already landed two jabs into his abdomen and sent him sprawling to the floor. Dino_Dude cried and moaned for forgiveness.
The old lady lit a cigarette and discarded the ashes upon Dude. “Ah kid, just get the hell outta here.”
Dino_Dude struggled to catch his balance and finally stood up straight.
“T-t-thank you ma’am. You’re……so nice…..And…..so beautiful.”
The old lady started to blush and her eyelashes began to flutter. She giggled a little and let out a reply in a schoolgirl tone. “Really?”
“Y-Ye-Yes” They slowly moved forward towards each other. Before they knew it, their lips were tied together in a passionate kiss. Dino felt a strong feeling inside of him. It was almost unbearable to keep in. This whole embrace was making his insides jump around. The feeling was uncontrollable now. Something was going to blow, and he knew it. Hopefully it’s not that stuff I learned in Sex Ed, he thought to himself. And then it happened……
~Fart~
The old lady pulled away from him her eyes stared blankly back at his.
“I-I’m sorry. I couldn’t hold it in” The old lady continued. “Please forgive me”
Suddenly, the frogs of the Budweiser commercials hopped onto Dino’s shoulder and said in unison…
“Butt…
“Fuck…”
“Her”
“Gross!” ,shouted Dino_Dude. Another surprise sprouted out of nowhere – it seemed as if Robin Hood and a couple of his marry men had come to kill the frogs.
Dino_Dude was very confused now. “Are you….Robin Hood?”
The man dressed in green tights replied in an old English matter. “But of course! I am Robin Hood, and these two fair people are my marry men. Men, introduce yourselves”
“I’m Little John” said a big husky fellow with large, wooden swords to his side
“And I’m George W. Bush” said a cross eyed, elderly looking fellow to his left.
Dino_Dude was trying to calculate all of this. “And you guys are here to….” Exclaimed Dino as he waited for an answer.
“We’re here to kill those three wretched shits on your shoulder. They stole all our Bud. And now….” Robin Hood paused for a second to hand out a couple bottles of Coors Light to his marry men. “….They will pay!” By that point, all three of the old-English fools began to pour Coors Light all over the frogs. Oddly, they began to fizzle – as If they had some kind of allergic reaction to other beers.
“I’m…”
“Mel-“
“-ting”
Dino couldn’t take this ruckus any more. “That’s it! All you people are very, very sick. I can’t take this ruckus anymore!” Dino ran away from them all and by now he was hysterical. He chased himself into a nearby forest. Dude stopped to take a breather, and to regain full consciousness. He could hear wolves howling in the distance, and other typical forest sounds. He shouldn’t be here, especially at night. His mother would take away his masturbation privileges if he wasn’t home for dinner.
“Where have I gotten myself now? He said in disbelief and self pity.
“Oh you’re just in the one place in the world you should never be because there’s probably some psychopathic killer out to kill you right now” shouted a raccoon on a nearby rock.
“Did you just talk?” said a bewildered Dino, bundles of leaves being scraped away as he continued on his search for greener pastures.
“No” the raccoon replied.
“Good”
At that moment, more leaves could be heard rustling off in the distance somewhere. Dino_Dude became very cautious. Then, as if it were a scene from the Twilight Zone, his ears began to pick up the sound of something near by. A pleasant sound. It was the sound of his favorite *N SYNC track.
Dino_Dude followed the beating of that great tune, he started doing “the sprinkler” out of enjoyment.
“It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with you……but when we are ap-“ his horrible voice was cut off, along with his head, as a giant a chainsaw decapitated him clean. The bellowing roar of the chainsaw than began to saw his limbs off one by one. Blood was everywhere, along with Dino_Dude. At that moment, the shadowy figure with the boom box walked off into the depths of the unknown, his chainsaw still churning away – as if he was trying to send a message to the forest. A message telling them to beware.
The raccoon once again perched itself on some foliage, and grinned at the death bed.
“I told ya you were gonna die you fucking idiot” he then scurried away off to his female companion, it was mating season after all.
Detective PunkNerd kneeled down and examined the ravaged limb of the victim. This crime scene was a horrifying site. Even O.J. couldn’t out-do this homicidal mastery. Not only was the victims body torn apart, but each piece of limb had a nude picture of Martha Stewart taped to it. PunkNerd has seen this kind of thing before, though he could never imagine it being so ruthless.
“Martha Stewart is not very attractive. I would have totally gone for a more Kathie-Lee Gifford type” Punk said aloud to himself, shaking his head . A temptation of interest had led him to a peculiar figure near a tree. The other detectives didn’t notice or care for Punk’s action much – he was the new recruit. Lead Detective WOLF-X was busy questioning a raccoon who claimed he was at the scene of the crime.
“…so yeah I told the stupid fucker that he was most likely going to be killed yesterday.” The raccoon said, chomping down on a meal.
WOLF-X was quickly scribbling notes down on his notepad. He was writing and questioning at the same time. “And your saying you were not at the crime scene at the time?”
“No. The old lady was chirping for a ride on the train if you know what I mean. Hohoho” the raccoon said humorously.
WOLF-X quickly became misunderstood and offensive. “Are you saying you fucked my wife?”
“Huh?” said the puzzled raccoon.
“My wife you little……raccoon. You said you fucked my wife right?” WOLF-X exclaimed.
“No. I was talking about my g-“
“I know what you meant you little shit! You think that just because I lived Alabama and fucked ducks and collected Digimon cards that I’d be too stupid to understand? Well let me tell you something mister, I am smart! I’m forty years old and my IQ is that of a ten year olds. My psychiatrist said I have made tremendous strides. You got that?” WOLF-X bellowed.
The raccoon resisted laughing his ass off at the goof. “Detective, I believe you have a crime scene to investigate” said the raccoon, quickly leaving back into the forest.
Detective WOLF-X turned around and went back to work. Though the crime scene was very gruesome, WOLF-X had a hard stomach and took it all in. Then, as he turned to his left, he noticed a figure near the tree laying face down and slowly going up and down. WOLF-X was in sheer disgust.
“PunkNerd! You sick bastard! Get your goddamn dick outta that evidences ass!”
PunkNerd wasn’t cooperating. His necrophilia couldn’t be controlled.
“..PunkNerd! I’m warning you!” said WOLF-X jogging over to him with a hand at his waist. PunkNerd still didn’t do anything. WOLF-X had no choice. He pulled out his handgun and shot the demented soul twenty-seven times all over. Other officers at the scene turned and stared at WOLF-X.
“That little bastard deserved to die! Get back to work men!” shouted WOLF-X, referring to the ground officers who were also at the scene. Slowly, to WOLF-X’s surprise, the supposedly dead PunkNerd began doing it again.
“What the hell…..Oh well” WOLF-X then took his automatic and pumped hundreds of rounds into PunkNerd. Blood scattered everywhere, and PunkNerd looked like swiss cheese. WOLF-X was exhausted from all the shooting, so he leaned up against a tree to catch a breather.
“He’s…definitely…” continued WOLF-X “…dead now” he said to the officers, who had left their positions and stood parallel to WOLF-X. He didn’t like their presence at this moment. Not now.
“Beno_yo and Bob. I suggest you get back to photographing the crime scene.”
Beno and Bob exchanged glances. Then Bob stepped back and pointed to PunkNerd, who sure enough was once again raping the mangled ass. “Me and Ben will help you out this time sir”. On cue, all three of the men started shooting blindly and rapidly at PunkNerd. They were using everything. Shotguns. Elephant rifles. Even rocket launchers.
Beno screamed a message to WOLF-X over the blaring the sight and sound of ammunition and flames. “Sir! I have no choice. I’m throwing an acid bomb in this mother fucker!!”
Beno reached into his pocket and pulled out the small, yet monstrously-destructive bomb.
“Officer Beno!!! Waaaaaaiiiiiitttttt!!!” shouted WOLF-X in a dramatic tone.
It was too late. Thanks to Beno’s stupidity, the entire forest and its inhabitants were blown to bits. Dust clouds filled the air. It was a catastrophe that could have been avoided. Now all that was left alive in the forest was PunkNerd, who was still churning away.
***
The psychopathic killer fixed himself a drink at the bar in his cabin. The lights were dimmed and his figure was just an outline. Right behind his bar, a couple of unfortunate souls awaited their fates on earth. The psychopathic killer poured himself some chocolate milk and gracefully chugged down a gallon or so. He tilted his head back forward and licked his lips for the last drops of residue. He let out a sigh of delight and put the chocolate milk away.
“Ah, milk does the body good doesn’t it folks?” said the psychopathic killer chuckling. He then walked over to his knife rack and gleefully grabbed a couple of skews. He examined them. The long, sharp spine of the skew and the glimmer of it’s metal simmering in the very dim light excited the killer. He began to skin the skews against each other, readying them for usage on the five petrified souls before him. He walked out from behind the bar and towards the victims who had been tied to five separate chairs.
“So who should be the first to be skewed huh? Hehehehe” he lazily walked back in forth, staring down at the teary and horrified people. He pointed the skews at each one of them.
“Should it be YOU MegLives!? After all, you are the bastard who voted for Carnosaur at the Academy Awards”
“Or maybe its YOU Yvonne! Why is it so hard for you to understand that Titanic only benefited from an endless run at the cinemas en route to its box office record total”
“How about Malcolm? How could one possibly believe that giant pandas aren’t an endangered species. You goddamn liar! LIAR! DIE!!!!” said the demonic psychopath. He went ballistic and tore Malcolm apart. The skews were painted red with Malcolm’s bloody innards.
He took a couple of deep breaths and continued on. “Whew, that was fun. And how about you? The old lady who couldn’t keep her ass shut or realize that she shouldn’t be flirting with young kids like Dino_Dude - Who I had to kill just because of you plaguing him with your poison. You know what – your heffer ass doesn’t belong on this planet no more. DIE!!!!!” he skewed the old lady in the same fashion as Malcolm. Though she was quite a bit easier to cut through.
At that moment, the door to the cabin could be heard slowly being opened. The psychopathic killer could hear the dangling of keys coming through. He knew this wasn’t good news. He had to think fast.
“Shoot. Meg, Yvonne, and RaptorHiss. Quick. Get your asses out of here. I’ll find you guys and gut you tomorrow. My mom’s home.”
And so the three victims were free – for now. They hurried out the back door. The psychopathic killer now had about ten seconds before his mom saw this bloody shamble. He did the only thing he could think of. He took the last remaining dildo and approached his mom.
“Oh hey sweetie, Listen I-AHHHH” the mother dropped her grocery bags and was tackled to the floor by the psychopathic killer. He pinned his mother to the floor and thoroughly smacked her face with a dildo. Her screams were deafening, but it only made things worse for her. Finally, with one last giant slap, he had convincingly killed his mom with the dildo. Now all he had to was clean up this mess.
The psychopathic killer decided it would be best if he’d just spend a couple hours relaxing with the in-crowd. He hopped in his deceased mothers station wagon and made his way into downtown Whothefuckville, looking for a crowded hotspot to blend in. The killer ended up at the Cowboy Boytoy Bar. A large, dimly-lighted sign at the base of the establishment read “Couples Night. Bring your partner and come on in and hoedown!”
“Whatever the hell that means”, he said to himself.
Before he could pull into the parking lot, a skimpy-dressed young lady approached the drivers side window and waved to him. The killer felt a bit awkward, but he obliged and rolled down the window.
“Hey sugar” said the lady in a very hoarse tone. “My names Aussie_Embryo, Whothefuckvilles most accomplished transsexual whore and stripper.”
The killers eyes lit up, “I’m the psychopathic killer. I’m just out here trying to blend in with you downfalls of Western Society so I won’t be suspected of murdering half-a-dozen people within the last couple hours.”
“Ooh kinky” replied Aussie_Embryo.
“If you say so. I also am going to agree to let you come into my car where I will trick you into believing that I’d actually want to have sex with you and then proceed to slice you up and use your mangled skin as a seat cover.”
Aussie_Embryo’s blood was racing. “Oh baby, talk dirty to me more!”, the unsuspecting and stupefied bitch sat down in the passenger seat of the station wagon and began to peel of it’s clothes.
The killer was appalled. “Holy shit dude! You’re a dude! How bizarre! Imagine that! A he-she! A Michael Jackson wannabe! A George Bush gonnabe! A-”
“I GET THE POINT!” the whore bellowed.
The killer reached behind into the backseat to get something. In the next instant, he unveiled a machete and, before the bitch could open its mouth and scream, began to skewer and hack away at the transsexual. The whole interior was painted in blood.
“I like this color, I think I’ll keep it” he said aloud. He popped in a mix-CD and began to groove to the beat.
Just then, a homeless man came up to the car and began to beg for change.
“Pl..Please…Sir. Spare me some loose change.” said the old man.
“Hmm, lemme think about it. Ok thought about it” The killer reached into the backseat again, only this time he had a bag full of money in his grasp.
“Here kind old man, take this for your own leisure”
The old man was bewildered. “Really?”
“Yes”
“I love you”
“No you don’t”
“No really, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.”
“Why? Ever since that tragic day atop the bluff, I could never bring myself to love another ever again”
“What the fuck are you talking about, son.” the old man shot back.
“I dunno”
“So do you love me?”
“No, now skid addle”
“Alright”. And so the old man turned and walked away. Off to greener pastures. The old man turned back to say one last thing…
“Oh by the way, there’s a mangled dick hanging from your rearview mirror. Just thought I’d let you know.”
The killer grunted, “Thanks for noticing”
“No problem. See ya around JPLuNaTiC”
The killer’s skin turned pale, his brows flickered as beads of sweat whistled down his face. He let out a quick a burp and a fart and managed to squeeze out a couple words from his now-heavy throat.
“H…How’d you know my name?”
Just then, the old man reached into one of his dirty pockets and pulled out a thin, rectangular object. He threw it to JPLuNaTiC and walked away into the beyond. On his way out into the beyond, some hoodlums decided to jump him and beat the shit out of him and take his Air Force Ones and his load of cash. He was left bloodied and twitching in a ditch.
Back at the station wagon though, JPLuNaTiC ducked under the dashboard to pick up the object thrown his way by the old man. It appeared to be a photo. He turned on the overhead light and looked in horror.
It was a somewhat old picture of a family. And JPLuNaTiC was able to identify who all the people were.
“Hmm…there’s the old man in the back, Malcolm adjacent to him, and the old lady…and Yvonne…and MegLives!…and Raptorhiss. Whoa”
The picture showed them all smiling and looking down at a young little boy holding a dildo and a Charizard 1st Edition card.
“Holy shit” said a panting JPLuNaTiC.
“That’s me!”
THE END
Is a sequel in the works? Who knows...
Comment please.
2/18/2004 1:39:20 AM
(Updated: 2/18/2004 1:48:29 AM)
Comment on this fan fiction!
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