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First Draft: Jurassic Park
By BRM
FIRST DRAFT: JURASSIC PARK
[FADE IN: Costa Rica, some people are being transported to an island]
ALAN GRANT
So, where are we going again?
JOHN HAMMOND
To a biological preserve.
IAN MALCOLM
And why?
JOHN HAMMOND
Because I need you people to endorse my park, to get the lawyers who represent the families of the people who’ve been killed there off my back.
ELLIE SATTLER
I’m hot.
DONALD GENNARO
I’m a lawyer.
AUDIENCE
We’re bored. [snooze]
[CUT TO: Cute cartoon character explaining science to the dumb audience members]
CUTE CARTOON CHARACTER
Hi you idiots, millions of years ago there were dinosaurs.
AUDIENCE
Oooh, cool.
CUTE CARTOON CHARACTER
And there were also mosquitos who drank the blood of dinosaurs. They got trapped in Amber and then we found them in the Dominican Republic trapped in the amber.
SMART AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Hey, the Dominican Republic only has amber dating 3 million years back, no where near old enough for dinosaurs.
[The smart audience members walk out in disgust]
DUMB AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Cool.
IAN MALCOLM
Is it safe to run a multi-billion Dinosaur dollar park with only minimal staff and technicians during a typhoon?
HAMMOND
No.
DENNIS NEDRY
I’m evil.
AUDIENCE
Oooh, he’s so evil.
[Dennis steals embryo’s and then dies]
GEEKY NITPICKERS
Ha, ha, they spelled a dinosaur name wrong in the embryonic storage capsule.
ALAN GRANT
Well, here we are on the tour. Now the power has gone out.
TIM MURPHY
Ooh, I hear a noise. It sounds like a deep rumbling. Hurry, lets turn on a big light to attract the attention of whatever is out there.
DONALD GENNARO
Wouldn’t whatever it is then notice us?
[DONALD GENNARO gets eaten, and subsequently dies because lawyers are evil]
LEX MURPHY
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
ALAN GRANT
I know, I’ll save the kids from the CGI T-Rex with this puny little flare!
IAN MALCOLM
Ooh, pretty light. Let me try!
[IAN runs with the light, his juvenile mind enjoying the colors. He breaks his leg.]
ELLIE SATTLER
Alan? Ian? Kids? Jack Horner?
ROBERT MULDOON
Hey! I found the tour vehicle, it went over this big drop. Look! There are footprints in the mud, heading in that direction. Everyone must still be alive.
ELLIE SATTLER
I think I hear the CGI dinosaur again!
ROBERT MULDOON
Wait a minute, how did this big drop get here when only a few minutes ago it was solid ground?
[ROBERT MULDOON dies]
RAY ARNOLD
I’m black
[RAY ARNOLD dies]
HAMMOND
Ellie, you need to turn the power back on. However, I’m a man.
ELLIE
Good point, but I want to do it anyways so the pre-pubescent males in the audience can watch me bounce over logs and puddles.
PRE-PUBESCENT MALES IN THE AUDIENCE
Oooh....
ALAN GRANT
Well Tim, even though you were electrocuted, I think your fine enough to be left alone inside a building infested with raptors.
TIM MURPHY
Yay.
[TIM and LEX eat food, and then hear CGI raptors]
LEX MURPHY
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Both run away to the saftey of ALAN GRANT and ELLIE SATTLER’s bosom. Only to be confronted with more CGI dinosaurs]
ALAN GRANT
What possible solution is there to escape a pack of hungry CGI raptors?
[Suddenly, a CGI T-Rex appears and lfings raptors around the room]
AUDIENCE
Oooooooh!
JOHN HAMMOND
Well, I hope you all enjoyed your weekend at JURASSIC PARK, don’t forget to buy some merchandise!
[John Williams score blasts our eardrums with sickeningly sweet swelling in his music]
STEVEN SPIELBERG
I’m gonna make a fortune with this franchise!
[END]
5/12/2002 10:49:40 PM
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