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Aqua Teen Hunger Force
By AlanGrant5
AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE
Episode 1: OPEN HOUSE
Written by Devin Da Graca
It's late at night. Frylock and Meatwad are sound asleep, while Shake sits in the living room watching television. He's flipping through channels.
SHAKE: Damn it! Why can't there be anything good on TV at 3 in the morning.
Passing through channels, Shake comes across a scrambled station with pleasurable moans sounding in the background. His eyes survey the living room with caution before he leaves his chair to have a closer look at the television, where he stares with patience. His eyes light up.
SHAKE: Wait, whoa, was that – that was a boob. Sweet.
Shake hears a noise and quickly turns the volume on mute. Frylock walks into the living room.
FRYLOCK: It's three in the morning Shake. What the hell are you doing up?
SHAKE: Is it three in the morning? I didn't notice… wait a second, what are YOU doing up?
FRYLOCK: I came out here to see where all that noise was coming from.
SHAKE: Oh, well, noise is gone, nothing to see here. Now go back to sleep. Guy as ugly as you needs his beauty sleep.
Frylock glances over at the television screen and sees a moderately, yet visible, scrambled sex scene. His eyes widen then stare at Shake with utter repulsiveness.
FRYLOCK: Scrambled porn? Come on Shake, that's pathetic. We've got a perfectly good computer in the den capable of downloading ten times better quality porn.
SHAKE: Yeah? What of it? Some people like their eggs scrambled, some like their eggs sunny side up… I like my porn scrambled.
FRYLOCK: Whatever, just go to bed Shake, it's late.
Frylock heads back for his room.
SHAKE (turning off the television): What? It's like piecing a puzzle together… only instead of some lame picture of a tree turning up, you get to see a bunch of naked ladies touching each other! It's a beautiful thing.
FRYLOCK: Mmm hmm…
SHAKE: It's the thinking man's porn is what it is.
Suddenly the house shakes and a loud crash is heard. Both Frylock and Shake are unnerved by the sound.
FRYLOCK: What the hell was that?
SHAKE: I dunno, might have been me. I ate some of that bean casserole you made for lunch; I tell ya I haven't been the same since.
FRYLOCK: No, that came from outside.
Meatwad rolls into the living room with his nightcap on.
MEATWAD: Now what in sam-hell was that noise? I was having me a nice dream about wienie smoothies, mermaids, and wienie smoothies. Do you know how long it's been since I've had a dream about wienie smoothies?
There is a knock at the door.
FRYLOCK: Who could be knocking on our door at this hour?
Frylock heads over to the door.
SHAKE: No, don't open the door! It's probably some cross-country rapist suffering from insomnia or something.
Frylock opens the door, his eyes bulging momentarily. We see Oglethorpe and Emory standing outside the door. Oglethorpe is holding a cup.
OGLETHORPE: Oh, hi there... neighbor.
SHAKE: Oh, never mind, it's just those damn Mormons. Go away, we don't want your Bibles!
Shake heads back for the chair and begins to watch TV.
OGLETHORPE (giving SHAKE a mean look): We were jahst wahndering if we could borrow a cup of… fuel because we're out of it and accidentally landed on your neighbor's house.
FRYLOCK: Say what?
OGLETHORPE: Yah, I told Emory to fill up zee tank before I took a nap. Stupid fool puffed a fatty and fuhgot everyting I had instrahcted him to do. You're a real stupid face you know dat?!
EMORY: Dude, you smoked a fatty too, that's why you went and took a nap in the first place.
OGLETHORPE: Nye! Take sahm responsibility fuh what you have done. I took uns'nap because I was tired and my head felt like it was floating around like a fart.
FRYLOCK: Look, it's 3 AM, we don't have any damn fuel for your ship.
MEATWAD: Yeah, dream killers!
OGLETHORPE: Dream killers? Vee don't kill dreams – we only kill species with souls. Do you have a soul?
MEATWAD (confused): Soul? What's dat? I have a pogo stick.
OGLETHORPE: Oh, yah, really? Does your soul bounce on it when it's bored?
MEATWAD (still confused): Frylock, what's he talking about?
FRYLOCK: Nothing, don't talk to them. Look, it's late, we have no fuel for your guy's ship, and even if we did, we're in no position to lend you guy's favors either, so goodnight.
EMORY: Well, will you at least let us use your guy's phone? If we could just call quadruple A and have them give us a lift back, that'd be great.
OGLETHORPE: Yah, otherwise you'll be leaving us out here in zee cold, suffocating on your planets sucky air supply.
Frylock just stares at Oglethorpe and Emory.
EMORY: Actually, he has trouble breathing anywhere, even on our home planet.
OGLETHORPE: That is true, but it's not because I'm fat…
FRYLOCK (rolls his eyes): Fine, one phone call, then I want you guys to leave.
Oglethorpe and Emory quickly make themselves at home.
OGLETHORPE: Yes! Thank you and we promise to not invade and take over your planet… today.
FRYLOCK: Oh, trust me, no worries here about you two taking over the world.
OGLETHORPE: Oh, you're so nice. Emory remind me to make the box of French fries third in command of our yet-to-be-formed army of doom.
EMORY: Sure, whatever.
Oglethorpe and Emory walk past the television, obstructing Shake's view.
SHAKE: Whoa, hey, let's download some manners the next time you ignoramuses decide to block the T-vision.
EMORY: Oh, sorry dude.
SHAKE: Damn right you are. Look before you cross, haven't you fools ever heard that before? Look before you cross and if there is a television, televisioning around, you just don't cross. It's that simple.
While Oglethorpe and Emory are in the background using the telephone, Meatwad rolls up to Shake.
MEATWAD: Well, I ain't sleepin' now. Shake, turn it to channel 47, they're showing reruns of "MacGyver".
FRYLOCK: "MacGyver"? You watch that crap?
MEATWAD: Yes I do. MacGyver is the smartest man alive in fictional television. He can do and escape anything using household appliances. Hell, I bet you he could make me a wienie smoothie without even using any wienies. All the man needs is a toothpick and people will die.
Meanwhile, Oglethorpe and Emory are huddled around the house phone, away from Frylock, Shake, and Meatwad.
OGLETHORPE: Yes, our plans fuh making long distance calls without getting billed have vorked!
EMORY (on the phone): Uh… that was a plan?
OGLETHORPE: Duh, you freaking idiot. Why do you think I stabbed the fuel storage bin, allowing all our fuel to pour out across the galaxy? Jahst so we could crash-land here fuh poops and giggles?
EMORY: You stabbed the fuel storage bin?
OGLETHORPE: Stab is such a vicious vord. I prefer to say I gave the fuel storage bin a hug… WITH A BUTCHER'S KNIFE!
EMORY: Did you really have to do that? I mean, we could have just landed here and said we ran out of fuel and then used their phone to make long distance calls.
OGLETHORPE: Oh, Emory, your logic works in such piece of crap ways, it's not even funny. But to answer your questions… yes, yes I had to do that.
There is another knock at the door.
FRYLOCK: You've got to be kidding me. What the hell is going on here?
Frylock opens the door only to find Carl behind it. Next to Carl is an overweight biker woman with a pink Mohawk. She's chewing gum, but other than that she's generally expressionless.
FRYLOCK: What the hell do you want Carl, it's 3 AM?
CARL: Oh, yeah, is it really? I'm sorry about that Fry-man, but uh… I wanted to run this joke by you real quick, see if you think it's funny. There's this guy and uh… he's coming home from the Jersey Tavern with this really banging broad he met playin' darts. So, uh, he's comin' home ready to give this chick a taste of paradise, when low and behold, there's a spaceship on top of his house. And uh, yeah, that's it.
Frylock just stares at Carl.
FRYLOCK: That was… pretty lame Carl.
CARL: Heh, I know right? Yeah, that's because, uh... IT'S NOT A FRIGGIN' JOKE. There's a spaceship on my damn house.
FRYLOCK: Yeah, well there's nothing I can… wait, is that the really 'banging chick' from your joke?
CARL (looks over at the large woman with the pink Mohawk, then back at Frylock): Yeah.
FRYLOCK: Is that a joke?
CARL: You know, you're lucky she's deaf or else that woulda been a real mean thing to have said there Frylock. But, uh, so long as we're not doin' sign language over here, I know she's a little below my league, but I mean, check out those bazoongas, uh?
FRYLOCK: Yeah, they look about the same size as yours.
CARL (eyes moving around insecurely): What… what is that supposed to mean. What are you trying to say?
FRYLOCK (eyes bugging out with irritation): What I'm trying to say is… GET OFF MY DAMN PORCH AND GO TITTY FUCK YOURSELF!
Frylock slams the door on Carl.
CARL (on the other side of the door): I'm coming back here with a bottle of ketchup asshole! Make you disappear, you hear me?!
Frylock turns away from the door and as soon as he does, his eyes bulge out of his head in surprise.
He sees Shake tying Meatwad down to a toy train track. A train strapped with explosives rests nearby.
FRYLOCK: Oh my God! Shake, what the hell are you doing?
SHAKE: Relax Frylock, I'm just giving Meatwad here a quiz on MacGyver to see if he's learned anything... from watching that stupid crap.
MEATWAD: Yeah, see, this here train, the one with all the sticks of dynamite in it, is gonna come rushing into me, only not into me 'cause I'm gonna bust outta here before it does with this here spatula Shake gave me.
FRYLOCK (unimpressed): Shake, how in the hell is Meatwad supposed to stop that train with a spatula when he's all tied up?
SHAKE: MacGyver could do it. Hell, he wouldn't even need a spatula. He could stop a train with his mind.
MEATWAD: Really?
SHAKE: Oh, yeah, easy.
Meatwad tosses the spatula into the background and rests confidently on the tracks.
MEATWAD: Shake. Pull the switch.
SHAKE: Ada-boy!
FRYLOCK: Don't you pull that... wait a second... where'd the Plutonians go?
Following an extended telephone chord into Meatwad's room, we find Oglethorpe and Emory making long distance calls like school girls at a sleepover.
OGLETHORPE (to the operator): Yes, hallo, operator? Connect me to China please.
EMORY: Um... do we even know anyone in China?
OGLETHORPE: Emory, could-- could you do me a huge favor and... SHUT YOUR FREAKING PIE HOLE.
OGLETHORPE (continued): Oh, hi, yes, hallo, China could you get me Steven Seagal please... who's calling?
Oglethorpe whispers to Emory, then giggles before returning to the phone.
OGLETHORPE (continued): Um, yes, my name is... Hunt.... Michael. Michael Hunt.
EMORY: Dude, you said it wrong.
OGLETHORPE (to the operator): No, it's Michael, not Mike, what is wrong with you are you deaf or samthing? Open your ears!
EMORY: It's Mike, say Mike.
OGLETHORPE (to the operator): MICHAEL! M-I-C-K-A-H-L!
OGLETHORPE (to Emory): Emory-- the idiots-- they're not getting it.
Frylock busts the door open.
FRYLOCK: And just what do you think you're doing?
STEVEN SEAGAL (on phone): Steven Seagal speaking.
OGLETHORPE (to Steven Seagal, quickly): You smell like crap.
Oglethorpe hangs up immediately.
OGLETHORPE: French Fry man, dooooood, what's happening?
Frylock raises an eyebrow at Oglethorpe. Meanwhile, an explosion sounds somewhere off screen. Behind Frylock, we see fragments of meat splatter onto the hallway walls.
FRYLOCK: You were making prank phone calls weren't you?
OGLETHORPE: Whaaat? I was not.
As the camera cuts back to Frylock, we see Shake sweeping Meatwad-parts into a tray in the background.
FRYLOCK: Get out.
OGLETHORPE: Whaaat? I don't like your tone--
FRYLOCK: OUT!
OGLETHORPE: Okay, that's it, you just got yourself demoted from the army of doom I hope you realize.
FRYLOCK (sarcastically): Yeah, my loss. Now leave.
Frylock leads Oglethorpe and Emory out the front door.
OGLETHORPE (muttering): Samone's life won't be spared in zee forthcoming invasion.
Frylock slams the door shut.
FRYLOCK: I hate those guys.
Once Frylock turns around, he notices Meatwad is missing. He looks at Shake.
FRYLOCK: Shake, where the hell is Meatwad?
SHAKE: Sleeping. Forever.
Frylock looks down at the floor and finds chunks of Meatwad in a dust pan.
FRYLOCK: Oh my God! Meatwad, are you all right?
Two weary eyes pop out of the chunks of meat. They struggle to look up at Frylock.
MEATWAD: Am- am I in heaven?
SHAKE: Yes, Meatwad. You are in heaven. And I am God.
MEATWAD (drowsily): Say what? No you're not. I know for a fact you're not. You wanna know how I know you're not? 'Cause God has himself a white beard, a little red hat, with buttons, and a reindeer-
FRYLOCK: Meatwad, that's Santa.
MEATWAD: I know what his first name is, I'm not stupid.
There's a knock on the door yet again.
FRYLOCK: That is it!
Frylock's eyes begin to glow with electricity as he hovers to the door. He slams the door open.
FRYLOCK: STOP-
Frylock's eyes return to normal and loses his angry expression.
FRYLOCK: Steven Seagal?
Steven Seagal, bloated and pony-tailed, stands ominously on the front porch.
STEVEN SEAGAL: Yes, that would be me. Now would you be the person who called me and said I smelled like crap?
FRYLOCK: What? No, I would never! I'm a fan. I've got all-
Suddenly, Steven Seagal begins to shake in place, his face turning bright red, until relief... Frylock and Steven Seagal just stare at each other, until an aroma begins to twitch Frylock's nostrils.
FRYLOCK: Uh... did you just-
STEVEN SEAGAL: Yes.
FRYLOCK: Why?
An awkward moment of silence 'causes Steven Seagal to retreat without response. He closes the door behind him.
Meanwhile, back on the Plutonian space ship...
OGLETHORPE: Ha, did you see Emory? How peesed Steven Seagal was when he walked up their driveway. I bet he kicked thayuh assholes.
EMORY: Yeah, that was pretty funny.
Carl intrudes on the Plutonians, standing stark naked.
CARL: Hey, uh-
OGLETHORPE (frightened, he jumps behind Emory, and closes his eyes): Ah! Mistah Seagal, it wasn't me I swear, it was Emory! He said you smelled like crap, please, don't use your taekwando magic on me to kill me please! Oh, God, please, I laugh your movies, pleasssse!
Carl and Emory look at Oglethorpe.
CARL: Yeah, uh, whateva, you guys got any lube up in here? I looked everywhere and I-
EMORY: Bottom drawer in the room to your right.
CARL: Oh, yeah.
Carl retreats off screen.
CARL: Hey, baby, good news! We can do anal!
OGLETHORPE (opening his eyes): Emory, is it safe? Is Mistah Seagal gone?
THE END.
5/9/2007 9:26:26 PM
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