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fordprefect's 'Dans JP3 Page - The Parody'
By fordprefect
Chapter One
The World has changed….I feel it in the water….I feel it in the Earth…I smell it in the Air.
Much that once was is lost…For none who live now remember it…
It began with the forging of the great Access Codes…
Three were given to the authors – wisest and fairest of all members.
Seven to the Regular members – great miners and craftsmen of the message boards.
And Nine…Nine Access codes were given to the moderators…who above all else desire POWER.
For within these Codes was bound the strength and the will to…uh…enter the site.
But they were all of them DECIEVED.
For another Code was made.
In the land of FAN-ART, in the fires of Mt. Dom, The DARK LORD Spino_goin_down forged in secret a master Code.
And into this Code he poured his cruelty, his malice
and his will to dominate all life.
One Code to rule them all.
One by one, the free lands of Dans JP3 Page fell
to the power of the Code.
The Code was lost for ever and SGD retreated to his fortress of drawings in the dark land of FAN ART. Which bring us quite nicely to Dan. A regular guy who just led a regular life…
*********
Dan crept up to the rock pedestal. The ominous cave walls surrounding him made it difficult to see. He fixed his eyes upon the Access Code on the pedestal as he sneaked up the stairs. The rock crumbled gently beneath him. He took from under his fedora a bag of sand and in a fluid movement swapped the sand for the access code. A bead of sweat fell from his forehead. He waited in silence. Nothing. His rouse had worked, there had not been any notice in the difference in weight. Dan was a twenty year old, strong and nimble as a fox. His khaki trousers and shirt ripped to ribbons in some places and a fedora on his head. His trusty whip tied loosely around his belt and his steel tipped boots rang with the voices of a thousand adventures. Here in the long forgotten ‘You Review JP3’ area, he had dedicated his life to finding beautiful relics. As he turned from the pedestal, the Code safely tucked into his pocket, the floor began to tremble. Dan turned slowly. To his horror the cave was collapsing. He side stepped a falling boulder and ran down the steps, skidding into the hall. Darts flew furiously from one side of the room to the other as Dan rolled across the hard stone floor. Dan through himself bodily into his comrade, Dino_Dude, a young Australian with a passion for science and relics. Grabbing Dino_Dude, Dan ran through the foyer as the rumbling of the cavern grew steadily louder. They screeched to a halt just short of falling into a deep pit in the floor. Dan used his whip to anchor against a beam across the ceiling. With a slight push, Dino_Dude swung from the whip falling inches from the pit. The whip fell with a crack at his side.
“ Dino_Dude! Throw me the whip!” Urged Dan
“ Right, mate, you throw me the Code and I’ll throw the whip,”
Dan looked hesitant. Could he trust Dino_Dude?
“ There’s no time!” yelled Dino_Dude, “ you have no choice,”
Dan threw the Code at him.
“ Muahahahaha!” Spat Dino_Dude. Four huge metal tentacles sprang from under his trench coat and caught the Code in the air. “ Adios,”
Dino_Dude scuttled away laughing manically, his tentacles smashing the stalactites as he passed.
Dan swore. He took a running jump over the pit but didn’t make it, falling instead into a lake. Dan had the sense to fill his lungs before he broke the surface and in a clash of spray was engulfed by the waves. Dan exhaled a cloud of bubbles and swam swiftly to the shore. His lungs burned as he rolled on the sand gasping for the cool air. He got to his feet. Searching his pockets for dry matches, he swaggered across the beach until he collapsed on a pile of rocks. He lit the match on the rocks and could dimly make out the dark shapes of an underground cellar.
“ Hello?” Called Dan tentatively. The word echoed around the cellar. There was no reply.
This was why Dan was surprised when a man tapped him on the shoulder.
Dan yelped in alarm as he turned fists raised ready for an assault.
“ you want to get out of here?”
“ who the hell are you?” breathed Dan slowly.
“ My name is unimportant. I am Carna.”
“what do you want?”
“ you want to get out of here?” repeated Carna
“ of course I do.”
“ Hold on,”
“what?”
There was an explosion of light and Dan flew three hundred feet into the air. Carna pulled him through the thick stone wall and Dan found himself staring at rolling green fields against a blue sky.
“whoa! Who are you,” Dan reeled. The dust rose in clouds as the wind lapped against his clothes.
“ I think the question is…Who…are you?”
“ I thought I knew…now I’m not so sure,”
“ I know who you are…you are Oviraptors boy.” Chuckled Carna
“ You knew my father?”
“ correction, I am your father,”
“really?”
“no,” Spat Carna, “ of course not, I am a wizard,”
“ wha-?”
“ yes a great wizard. I am head of Pigwarts, school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.”
“right,”
“ Come Dan, We must get that Access Code back!”
“ I’m with you Carna!”
Carna hovered inches above the ground and started floating towards the mountains in the distance. Dan eagerly follwed, but he was sure to scatter bread crumbs behind him.
***********
Miles away in the mountains Dino_Dude was pondering his next move.
“ Now that Dan is dead, this code will enable me control of DANS JP3 PAGE!!!11111!1!11!!!1!!,” He took the Code and rotated it in his fingers. His tentacles batted the mountainside lightly. He roared heartily and continued up the mountain.
“SZTOP!”
Dino_Dude spun around. A short man stood in the snow, his jet black clothes covered in frost. He had a crow perched on his shoulder.
“ I am the Crow,”
“go figure,” muttered Dino_Dude, “ what do you want?”
“ You are crossing the border from JP3 FAQ into Links. Anything to declare?”
Dino_Dude clasped the man in his tentacles and threw him off the mountain.
“ Yeah…Six arms and an Access Code.”
The Crow’s cries pierced the air.
Dino_Dude collapsed the mountainside with great waves of his arms sending a torrent of rocks after The Crow. Dino_Dude leapt off the mountainside in the opposite direction, landing uneasily in a riverbed. Grasping both banks with his tentacles he shifted along the river making every effort to keep his tentacles dry.
************
The Crow hit the Earth hard. Cursing under his breath he got up to start to make his way to a hospital when he was hit by what he naturally assumed was a freight train.
Carna observed this and levitated the avalanche or rocks clear of the limp body of the Crow.
“ Hey, are you OK?” asked Dan uneasily, running to the scene.
The Crow peeled his face off the floor.
“ Yeah, I’m fine,” He wheezed, using grass to halt the flow of blood from where he had wounds.
“ Who did this?” Asked Carna.
“It was some freak with six arms,”
“ Dino_Du-” exclaimed Dan with a hint of hatred in his voice.
“ Ha ha ha…the poor fool is headed to a dead end,” Grinned Carna, “ We shall teleport to where he is to fight him,”
“ That’s a good idea,” said Dan
Carna changed The Crow into a portkey and they each touched his arm to be carried off towards Dino_Dude.
They fell with a splash on the river. Dino_Dude was towering above them , his tentacles firmly attached to the cliff face.
“ I had a feeling I’d see you again Dan,” he said.
Carna turned Dino_Dude into an octopus and took from him the access Code.
“ Ha ha!” exclaimed Carna, kicking the bloated sack of Dino_Dude into the river.
“ What the hell’s that?” asked Crow.
“ Just an old relic,” said Dan.
“ No, this is the one Access Code to rule them all.” Cried Carna as thunder lit up the sky. “ If this get’s into SGD’s possession then all of Dans will fall. You must get it to the Cast+Crew section. It will be safe there. I must confront the head of my order. He is both Wise and old. Adieu!” Carna disappeared in a wisp of smoke.
There was a deadly silence.
“ the one access code…nothing more than a myth. That’s what I thought.”
“ Me too,” said Crow, who was hollowing out the octopus for use as a bag. “ Come…we must quick if we are to do as he says.”
“ What? The hell I’m going to Cast+Crew! It’s my relic,” said Dan.
“ It’s power is consuming you!” yelled Crow, “ We must move quick,”
After much arguing, Dan agreed to go with Crow to cast+crew. They moved swiftly over the land pausing only to rest and eat. There was danger in this Access Code. It was up to Dan to save Dans Jp3 Page from it’s fate of doom.
**********
Miles away, Aragorn sat in a bar in ‘Latest News’. He was a tall man, heavily scarred with the wounds of many battles for he was the heir to the throne of Dans. His beard engulfed his face giving him a slightly wild look that made people perceive him as both dangerous and powerful. The bar was dark and cold, drabbed in shades of grey and purple. The stone slabs on the floor were stained with the blood of men who did not pay their way. The lamps of fire swung, dangling over the heads of the bar customers. Aragorn sat on a moth - eaten stool at the front.
“ Bartender!” He yelled.
“ Coming your Highnesty,” whined the bartender, scampering over to Aragorn’s aid.
“ where’s my drink?”
“ It’s coming your majesticness,”
“ shut up,”
The bartender shot away picking up bottles and pouring their contents into glasses that seemed to have been washed once in two years.
“ what’s your name?” questioned Aragorn, rolling his head so that his hair fell in a fringe over his eyes. He looked like an idiot but he was not to know this.
“ Carnotaur3,” replied the nervous bartender, “ Just a lowly bartender and I…”
“ your life bores me. Away with you,”
Carnotaur3 dropped his head and began to put the bottles back onto the shelves. A single tear dropped from his eye to the stone floor.
At that moment a man burst into the bar. His spurs clicked the ground with every step and his jacket bore a single red emblem – ‘FedRex – tomorrows mail today!’
He bristled towards the front, fixing a cold stare at Aragorn.
“ Hey Dac!” he yelled, “ I thought I told you never to come in here!”
Aragorn turned slowly.
“You’re not Dac,” said the man, “ you look like him though,”
“ Who are you?”
“ Vinsfield, FedRex postal employee,” said the man, “ And I have a PACKAGE!”
An eerie silence fell across the bar. The floorboards creaked ominously.
“ Is there a man here called Aragorn?”
“ That is me,” said Aragorn.
“ this here package,” drawled Vinsfield, “ It’s for you,”
Aragorn took the package from Vinsfield and ripped open the brown wrapping. The bar was in silence. All eyes fixed on Aragorn and the mysterious entrant. Carnotaur3 had been pouring into the same glass for three minutes and it had overflowed and begun seeping into his shoes.
Aragorn tossed aside the paper. A shiny Nokia phone gleamed in the midday sun.
“ It’s a phone,” said Aragorn peering at his own reflection in the screen.
He put it to one side. Then inexplicably; it began to ring.
“ wha--?”
Aragorn flipped the phone into his hand and pressed the flashing green button.
“ hello,” he muttered.
“ Hello Aragorn, do you know who this is?”
“ the Host?”
“ Yes. I've been looking for you, Aragorn. I don't know if you're ready to see what I want to show you, but unfortunately, you and I have run out of time. They're coming for you, Aragorn, and I don't know what they're going to do."
“who’s coming for me?”
“stand up and see for yourself,” said Host.
“ what, right now?”
“ yes right now,”
Aragorn stood up and shifted his head so he could see the entrance. Six people in black walked through the bar doors. One by one, they turned to look in his direction.
“ Run Aragorn, run away and never return,” came the tinny voice of Host on the phone.
“ CRAP!” Aragorn dived behind the bar onto his knees. He slid along to the fire escape and slammed it open. Cold air stung his face. He ran into the face of the unknown, along the dark corridor towards the roof.
*********
“RaptorVinny500 the White,” Said Carna, “ long time no see,”
“ always a pleasure,” returned RaptorVinny500, “Carna the gay,”
“ It’s Carna the grey,”
“ sorry,”
“ I bring news Vinny,” breathed Carna.
“ What news?”
“ News of the code,”
“ the code?”
“ The great Access Code, forged by SGD in the fires of mount Dom!” proclaimed Carna.
“ I am aware of it,” hissed Vinny, “ look,”
RaptorVinny threw a blanket off the central pillar of the room.
“ A magical seeing stone!” Said Vinny, “ I found it,”
“ uh…Vinny, that’s a bowling bowl from Walmart,”
“ silence!” spat Vinny, “ look…tell me what you see…”
“ It’s just my reflection,”
“ no…look harder,”
Carna stared into the bowling ball. A gust of wind lashed against his face. Then inexplicably a voice…
“ Carna…”
“ Dad?”
“ Carna…”
“DAD?”
“Carna! Will you shut up!” Yelled Vinny, “ I’ve called you three times now.”
Carna sighed.
“ what?” he asked.
“ Carna. You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to Dans Jp3 Page!”
“ Ok,” Started Carna, “ First, how do we go about destroying the access code?”
RaptorVinny500 smiled.
*******
“ Where is Aragorn?”
“ I tell you I don’t know!” trembled Carnotaur3.
“ You were conversing with him,”
“ He disappeared ,” said Vinsfield.
Carnotaur3 and Vinsfield were cornered by six people dressed in black. Their sunglasses gave an impression of cold, hard calm and terror.
Aragorn looked in from the skylight. His phone pressed to his ear.
“ Who are those people?”
“ They were once moderators,” Said the scratchy voice of Host, “ Great Kings of Moderators. Then SGD the deceiver gave to them six codes of access. Blinded by their greed, they took them without question. One by one they've fallen into darkness. Now they are slaves to his will. They are the Agents, neither living nor dead. At all times they feel the presence of the Code, drawn to the power of the One. They will never stop hunting you.”
“ But I don’t have the code,”
“ You are the heir to the throne,” continued Host, “ you must be killed,”
Aragorn sat up.
“ What of the bartender and postman?” Asked Aragorn.
“ You can do nothing for them. I must go now, meet me at the ‘Upcoming Events’ motel.” The Host hung up.
Aragorn leapt off the roof onto the dusty pavement. He started running.
“ Did you hear something?” asked one of the men in black.
“ Yes,” replied another, “ He was on the roof,”
“ Come,” said the first, “ let us not allow him escape,”
All six glided from the bar, their hands firmly clasped over their rifles. All of them embossed with the words: BAN – GUN.
“ Whoa,” said Vinsfield, “ who were they?”
“ I don’t know,” said Carnotaur3, regaining composure, “ but I’ll tell you something: something big is gonna happen. And it’s gonna happen soon.”
“ What’s your point?” asked Vinsfield, his eyes narrowing and fixing upon Carnotaur3.
“ We must go to cast+crew. They will know what to do. If the monarchy is in peril...”
“ The Monarchy resides in ‘message board’.”
“ Yes but cast+crew is closer. We’ll be able to gain transportation as well,”
“ My life is over,” muttered Vinsfield.
“ Hurry, the King might already be dead!”
Without another word, they slipped out of the bar and into the darkness. The remaining customers thought nothing of this but did notice the lack of staff. They proceeded to loot the bar. Three men walked into the bar.
" ouch," they said collectively.
TO BE CONTINUED...
7/30/2004 1:09:54 PM
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