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October Patriots
By Dac
DJ: That was the Partridge Family’s Doesn’t Somebody Want To Be Wanted, followed by Eddison
Lighthouse’s Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes, as K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the 70’s just
keeps on…truckin’.
Entrance. PATRIOTS walk between camera and wall. Camera is at 45 degree angle. After the last walks past, camera focuses on each in turn: MR HERMES, Mr PHIL, MR DANTE, MR TIM, MR LITTLE, MR KUHN, MR SAUER and MR LEE. After MR LEE, camera watches them from behind, and title scrolls up.
CUT to group seated around a around table, each eating or drinking something. Camera sometimes focuses on the individual who is speaking, but for the most part will pan around the outside of the group.
Mr Hermes: Let me tell you what Shrek was about. It was about how politicians are all fucking wankers.
Mr Tim: How’d you come to that conclusion?
Mr Hermes: It’s all in the main characters. Every one of them with some form of power is a cockbite.
Mr Sauer: Like who?
Mr Hermes: Look at the bad guy from the first one, Lord Farquaad. A diminutive midget, thus an obvious
reference to Napoleon. His entire goal is simply to crush all the lower class, represented by
fairy tale creatures, and to do that and gain more power he has to unceremoniously pick up and
force the princess to be his bitch.
Mr Dante: He was a villain, that’s what they all do.
Mr Hermes: No, let me finish. The ogre is another example. By marrying the princess, he’s another symbol
of power. In Shrek 2, he becomes more popular as a human, but is still essentially an ogre,
thus symbolising that people associated with power are, underneath their public exterior, are
twisted, ugly, hideously deformed excuses for people.
Mr Little: You’re reading too much into an animation, Mr Hermes. Shrek was all about a guy trying to find
someone to love, and he got someone. Then he had to deal with her in-laws. That’s it.
Mr Lee: You make sound like such a fucking chick flick.
Mr Little (irritated): Oh, I’m sorry, Mr Lee, but some of us take enjoyment in mindless fun.
MR LEE shrugs and says nothing.
Mr Kuhn: What does it matter what Shrek was about? It was funny, that’s all I care about.
Mr Phil: Amen, brother.
Mr Little: See, Mr Kuhn gets it.
Mr Hermes: Nah, I gotta go with Mr Lee on this one, when he says you make it sound like a chick flick.
Mr Little: Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me.
Mr Hermes: No, trust me, I know a lot about chick flicks. My ex dragged me to heaps of them.
Mr Sauer: You broken up with that chick now, have you?
Mr Hermes: Yeah, that puts me on two in the last year.
Mr Phil: What happened with the first one?
Mr Hermes: Well, it goes like this…
CUT to title screen. Title reads:
Mr Hermes
‘Will You Go Out With Me’
CUT to MR HERMES talking with GENIE. MR HERMES is no longer in Patriot gear.
Mr Hermes: I remember a few months ago, when I last summoned you, Genie of Golfob.
Genie: Oh yeah? Remember what I told you?
Mr Hermes: As a matter of fact, it’s because of the words you said that I summoned you now, buddy.
You told me I’d never meet the right girl, but you were wrong. I met someone who I can spend
the rest of my life with.
Genie: Is that so. Have you slept with her yet?
Mr Hermes: Yes, multiple times.
Genie: Has she told you she has syphilis yet?
Mr Hermes: …no…
Mr Hermes (V/O): So that was why I broke up with the last one. The first one was a bit more simplistic.
CUT to MR HERMES with GIRL. He approaches her holding a package.
Mr Hermes: Since I won’t be seeing you at Christmas, I decided to give you your present now.
Girl: Oh, that’s sweet.
GIRL unwraps package. It’s a bizarre brown sack…thing.
Mr Hermes: It’s third base. I was hoping you’d give me the same thing.
BLACKOUT. Biff is heard. Picture comes back…MR HERMES has the base on his face. He’s lying on the ground. MR SAUER walks in behind him.
Mr Sauer: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-RIKE!
CUT back to present. PATRIOTS are once again seated around the table.
Mr Phil: Could you have used a worse pick-up line?
Mr Hermes: The hell do you mean, ‘pick-up’ line? I already picked her up, I was trying to get down with her.
Mr Dante: Like you’ve done any better, Mr Phil?
Mr Phil: Well, in a manner of speaking…
Mr Kuhn: Oh, bullshit, you spend too much time sitting around with Mr Little discussing comic books.
Mr Lee (cynical): Don’t knock it, those conversations are fuckin’ hilarious.
Mr Kuhn: To you, maybe. They scared the piss out of me.
Mr Little: You have no imagination, you know that?
Mr Phil: Damn right you don’t, Mr Kuhn. You should spend an arvo with me some time, I’ll show you how to
have fun.
CUT to title screen. Title reads:
Mr Phil
‘Sit Back and Have Fun’
CUT to MR LITTLE and MR PHIL seated at a table drinking Coke with some comic books.
Mr Phil: So what d’you think of Kevin Smith’s Green Arrow?
Mr Little: I’m not into new superheroes.
Mr Phil: Green Arrow’s not a superhero. Would you call Batman a superhero?
Mr Little: Yep.
Mr Phil: Batman and Green Arrow are not superheroes.
Mr Little: Oh come on, Batman kills werewolves and shit with his bare hands. Sounds pretty super.
Mr Phil: So, he’s just a beefcake. Trained up, worked out at the gym. Any asshole can do that.
Mr Little: So by your logic, only pussies who get hit with radiation or something can become superheroes.
Mr Phil: Exactly, but I wouldn’t call them pussies. They have full on superpowers. Superman is a superhero.
Spiderman is a superhero. Even fucking Ant-Man is a superhero.
Mr Little: Didn’t you just say only people who get hit by nuclear fallout or bitten by a contaminated animal can
be a superhero?
Mr Phil: Yeah, so?
Mr Little: Superman’s an alien. He was born with his powers. He didn’t get caught in an atomic blast, or get
bitten by a fucked-up spider, or fall into a mystic pit. All he did was fall out of his mum’s vagina.
Mr Phil: Putting it a bit light, aren’t you?
Mr Little: The only new thing he’s acquired while on earth was his persona of Clark Kent, this pussy, nerdy
douche bag. How the fuck can he be a superhero?
FREEZEFRAME.
Mr Kuhn (V/O): You sat there talking about superheroes for ages. You talk nothing but shit.
Mr Phil (V/O): How do you figure?
Mr Kuhn (V/O): Remember that time you interrupted my private conversation with my friend?
CUT to MR KUHN and MR KUHN’S FRIEND playing Game boys.
Mr Kuhn: Dude, you suck at tiles.
Friend: I’m colour-blind, jackass. They all look the same to me.
MR PHIL appears behind them.
Mr Phil: Oh, don’t feel bad. Lots of people can’t see things. Like, people with green eyes can’t see dogs.
Friend: …what?
Mr Phil: It’s true. All they hear is the barking.
Awkward silence.
CUT back to PATRIOTS seated around the table.
Mr Kuhn: It’s simple, Mr Phil, you need to find yourself a girl.
Mr Phil: Go fuck yourself.
Mr Dante: Or a job.
Other PATRIOTS all begin to laugh harshly at MR DANTE.
Mr Little: Oh, you’d know all about that, wouldn’t you, Mr Dante? Lost how many jobs now?
Mr Dante: Hey, I lost those jobs owing to unforseen circumstances. No one could’ve known they were coming.
Mr Sauer: Face it, Mr Dante, you have a long, colourful history of jobs and failures thereof.
Mr Dante: They weren’t my fault. I got caught up in some unfortunate events that didn’t resolve well.
Mr Tim: Yeah, I wonder why? Incompetence, per se?
Mr Dante: Oh hell no, my business partners were a bunch of cockbites.
Mr Hermes: Didn’t me and Mr Sauer used to be some of them?
Mr Dante: Yeah, in that failed Dungeons and Dragons scheme. What the fuck do you turds know about my
business history, anyway?
Mr Lee: More than you might think.
CUT to title screen. Title reads:
Mr Dante
‘Get a Job, Ya Bum!’
CUT to two shady guys standing outside a locked door.
Shady #1: Why in the hell is there a man tied up in there?
Shady #2: He’s my gold farmer. He’s an import.
Shady #1: What did you…How did you…
Shady #2: I just cut out the middle man. Business 101.
Shady #1: You BOUGHT a PERSON. That’s Slavery 101!
Shady #2: Hey, Dante loves it here, don’t you, Dante?
Shady #2 taps the door. Mr Dante’s voice is heard within.
Mr Dante: HAP! HAP!
Shady #2: See, he’s saying how happy he is.
Shady #1: Sounds more like he’s calling for help.
Shady #2 (condescending): What, do you speak Asian now?
FREEZEFRAME.
Mr Dante (V/O): After I got away from those bastards and learned English, we tried that Dungeons and
Dragons scheme.
Mr Sauer (V/O): Oh yeah, that fucking blew up in our faces.
CUT to a room with a whiteboard and two chairs. MR HERMES stands next to whiteboard, MR SAUER and MR DANTE are seated.
Mr Hermes: Our profits seem to be failing, so I’ve called this review session to work out why.
Mr Dante: Some of the complaints mentioned something was left out.
Mr Hermes: OK, so do we have Dungeons?
MR HERMES points to word ‘Dungeons’ on whiteboard.
Mr Sauer: Yeah.
Mr Dante: Yep.
Mr Hermes: OK, good. What about Dragons?
MR HERMES points at word ‘Dragons’ on whiteboard. PAUSE. MR HERMES, MR DANTE and MR SAUER look confused.
Mr Hermes: Oh god, don’t tell me we left out Dragons!
Mr Dante: Mr Sauer was on Dragons!
Mr Sauer: No, I was on Dungeons!
BLACKOUT.
Mr Dante (V/O): After that I was joint-author of a low-budget comic strip, but my so-called business partner
sold me out.
CUT to MR DANTE and PARTNER standing together. MR DANTE is looking at a file.
Partner: So as you can see, we’re re-aligning our resources. Yours will be collected from the welfare office.
Mr Dante: You’re firing me?
Partner: I’ve got a studio in Korea that will do all the work for 25 cents a strip.
Mr Dante: You can’t do this, I own half the rights to this comic!
Partner: Actually, I acquired your half in a hostile take-over.
Mr Dante: What hostile take-over?
PARTNER punches MR DANTE in the face. MR DANTE falls over backwards and out-of-screen. BLACKOUT. CUT back to PATRIOTS seated around the table.
Mr Dante: So since then I’ve been trying new business ventures. I’m sure I’ll get somewhere soon.
Mr Kuhn: So you hope. Whether or not you will is a different matter.
Mr Tim: I’m not sure what you’re bitching about, personally.
Mr Dante: What makes you say that?
Mr Tim: Well, look at you now. You’re still doing OK. You’re wearing the same get-up as the rest of us, you’re
eating good foods, you’re enjoying some luxuries. There are worse off people than you.
Mr Phil: Who, Mr Lee?
Mr Lee: I should kill you for that.
Mr Tim: No, not Mr Lee. I’m talking about homeless people. They don’t have the chances you do.
Mr Little: Oh Jesus, here he goes again…
Mr Tim: No, I’m serious, they need help. I ran into one the other day…
CUT to title screen. Title reads:
Mr Tim
‘Social Classes’
CUT to MR TIM. He’s skipping down the street, happy as can be. Happy music (Solsbury Hill; Peter Gabriel) plays in the background…which abruptly cuts off when he encounters a HOBO with a long beard, wearing a paper bag as a hat. HOBO stands there, oblivious to MR TIM’S presence. MR TIM stares at him. He waves his hand in front of HOBO’S face. No response. MR TIM looks at the camera and shrugs.
Mr Tim (tentatively): …um…sir?
Hobo (abruptly): MAH JACKET IF ON FIRES!!!
MR TIM jumps backwards in fright. HOBO rips off jacket and hurls it on ground.
Hobo: NOW IT ON MAH PANTS!
HOBO raises beer bottle and throws it. CUT to close-up, slow-motion, of beer bottle falling and breaking. CUT back to HOBO. MR TIM stands in background looking bewildered. HOBO wipes his forehead and sighs in relief. Then he realises what he has done and reacts in horror.
Hobo: DA HOOCH!
HOBO jumps onto the ground, off-screen. Slurping noises are heard. Then he rears back up in pain.
Hobo: AAAAAAAAHHHH!! GLAFF IN TEEFF!!
HOBO staggers around. MR TIM finally has the good sense to run. BLACKOUT. CUT back to PATRIOTS sitting around the table. EVERYONE is laughing.
Mr Phil: Man, what a dumbass!
Mr Sauer: Gotta hand it to him, he’s devoted to his alcohol.
Mr Tim: Scared the crap out of me at the time, though.
Mr Little: Did you find out what happened to him afterwards?
Mr Tim: Nah, I can only hope he had the good sense to get to the hospital.
Mr Lee: If sucking beer off the ground amongst broken glass is anything to go on, he’s a dead man.
Mr Dante: Sounds reasonable.
Mr Kuhn: Well, that’s just a lesson everyone must learn: don’t eat or drink off the ground.
Mr Phil: What d’you mean?
Mr Kuhn: You can’t trust edible objects that have been on the ground. I learned that the time I found that
donut.
CUT to title screen. Title reads:
Mr Kuhn
‘Finders Keepers’
Cut to extremely bad animation of STICK FIGURE standing in field. Donut drops from sky. STICK FIGURE turns head and waves arms in excitement.
Stick Figure: Yay, donut!
CUT back to PATRIOTS.
Mr Hermes: What the hell? That was like the shortest flashback ever! What did you do with the donut?
Mr Kuhn: Well, sure, I was excited at first, but then I realised it not only was on the ground, but it fell out of
the sky. There was no way in hell I was gonna touch that thing once I realised that.
Mr Dante: So…you didn’t eat the donut?
Mr Kuhn: Of course not!
Mr Tim: So, was there any point to your flashback at all?
Mr Kuhn: Not really, we just needed an animated segment.
Other Patriots: (noises of assent, such as “Ah”, “Of course”, “That makes sense”)
Mr Little: You worry too much about consequences, Mr Kuhn. It’s not a good thing to do.
Mr Kuhn: Mr Little, if there’s one thing your escapades have taught us, there is nothing wrong with worrying
about consequences. Your destruction has yielded nothing but…but destruction…uh…yeah.
Mr Little: Hey, the consequences are, in hindsight, laughable.
Mr Lee: Tell that to the McDonalds employees.
CUT to title screen. Title reads:
Mr Little
‘Crime and Punishment’
CUT to MR TIM and MR LITTLE sitting at a bench. Various McDonalds food containers lie around them.
Mr Tim: You almost done, I want to get out of here.
Mr Little: Not just yet, I want to pour Coke on the bench and set fire to it.
Mr Tim: Oh, don’t be an idiot, Coke isn’t flammable.
Mr Little: Is so!
Mr Tim: Is not!
Mr Little: Is so!
Mr Tim: Is not!
Mr Little: Wanna bet?
Mr Tim: FINE! You’re on!
BLACKOUT. Title reads “Five minutes later…” CUT to brief shots of fire. CUT to MR TIM and MR LITTLE sitting outside. They look like they’ve been through hell and back.
Mr Tim: Well I’ll be damned…you were right.
Mr Little: They should really put a warning on the labels.
BLACKOUT.
Mr Little (V/O): Oh, one time I did that. One time.
Mr Hermes (V/O): What about that time you had that run in with a figure of authority.
CUT to MR LITTLE sitting on the couch with a mobile.
Mr Little: Well, let’s just say the pool in the Justice Hall ain’t exactly that sparkly blue any more, and the bats
have left a few presents on their man’s car after I slipped them laxatives. Yes, it was so worth it!
Knocking is heard on door.
Mr Little: Uh oh, gotta go.
CUT to outside. SUPERMAN is standing there.
Superman: Mr Little, we need to have a talk. Everyone in the Justice League is displeased with the yellow tint
that you left in the pool, and Batman is irate about the guano you left on the Batmobile.
CUT to inside. MR LITTLE very quietly gets up and hides behind the couch.
Superman (off-screen): I have X-Ray vision, you know.
Mr Little: FUCK!
BLACKOUT. CUT back to PATRIOTS.
Mr Little: Just like what I told you, Mr Phil, Superman is a douche bag.
Mr Tim: Did you expect any less? You took a whiz in his pool!
Mr Little: I know, Mr Tim, I told you on the phone. And I still say it was fucking worth it.
Mr Sauer: See, Mr Little, your problem is your fun has consequences. Mine does not, mine is highly enjoyable.
Mr Kuhn: Oh, here he goes…
Mr Sauer: I’m serious, man, playing X-Box Live is great.
Mr Dante: You still playing Halo 2? That game was released ages ago.
Mr Sauer: You say it like I care. I don’t. I still enjoy playing multiplayer. But the single player shat me off.
Mr Lee: Oh, this is about the ending, isn’t it.
Mr Sauer: Damn right!
CUT to title screen. Title reads:
Mr Sauer
‘There’s Something About Gaming’
CUT to final Halo 2 cutscene, where MASTER CHIEF and LORD HOOD are talking.
Lord Hood: Master Chief? You mind telling me what you’re doing on that ship?
Master Chief: Sir, finishing this fight!
CUT to Mr Sauer holding an X-Box controller. His face is lit with gaming fervour.
Mr Sauer: All right! No more Arbiter crap, yessir, time to get down to kicking some Covenant ass as that lean
green fighting machine!
CUT to X-Box. It suddenly ejects the Halo 2 Disc. CUT back to MR SAUER. AUTOMATED VOICE begins to talk. As it does, MR SAUER’S eyes grow wider and his jaw drops.
Automated Voice: Please insert Halo 3. Halo 3 release date: 2007.
Pause
Mr Sauer: …n…NOOOOOOOOOOO! DON’T RUIN THE DREAM!! CHIEF!!! CHIIIEEEEEEEEEF!!! LEAN AND GREEN!!
LEAN AND GREEN!!!
FREEZEFRAME.
Mr Lee (V/O): See, here’s what I don’t get. When The Empire Strikes Back came out, everyone rejoiced at the
cliffhanger ending. But movies these days, or in this case games, are shunned for cliffhanger
endings.
Mr Sauer (V/O): You can’t tell me the ending didn’t shit you off.
Mr Lee (V/O): I bloody well can, you know.
Mr Sauer (V/O): You have no taste.
Mr Lee (V/O): Well I was smart enough not to go looking for alternate endings on X-Box Live.
CUT to Halo 2 gaming session, ported from Red Vs Blue. RED SPARTAN is MR SAUER. ORANGE SPARTAN is MR PHIL. MAROON SPARTAN is MR KUHN. Their speech co-ordinates with the SPARTAN head movements.
Mr Sauer: Wow, so if I get all the explosive cans and repeatedly blow myself up I get the alternate ending?
Mr Phil: Yeah, that’s right.
Mr Sauer: All right, I’m gonna go try it!
RED SPARTAN runs off.
Mr Kuhn: So how long do you reckon before Mr Sauer figures out that was bullshit?
Mr Phil: A few weeks, maybe.
BLACKOUT.
Mr Hermes (V/O): As if that wasn’t bad enough, you then lost your grip at less complex games.
CUT to close-up of Mr Sauer. All that is visible is his head and torso. His arms are held out as though holding a gaming controller, but his hands are offscreen.
Mr Sauer: Oh, bullshit! I demand a rematch!
Pause.
Mr Sauer: Oh, come on! Mario Kart cheats less than you!
Pause.
Mr Sauer: No wonder you’re winning, I’m only using one hand! (Raises other hand)
Mr Hermes (offscreen): What? We’re playing scissors paper rock!
FAST ZOOM OUT. MR HERMES is revealed holding ‘rock’. MR SAUER is holding ‘scissors’.
Mr Sauer: …I knew that…
CUT back to PATRIOTS.
Mr Tim: You spend too much time on your X-Box, Mr Sauer. Get out into the world.
Mr Lee: You’re wasting your time, Mr Tim. I’ve been trying for a while. Nothing gets him off the games.
Mr Sauer: Oh, this is where he blames me.
Mr Lee: Your antics set my mind into a downward spiral, Mr Sauer. You and your gaming. Now I’m part
psychotic, cynical, and my voice sounds like a chain smoker’s.
Mr Dante: Wait, how come we never heard about this?
Mr Lee: I covered my ass. It seemed to work for me, though, it got me some jobs.
Mr Hermes: Part psychotic? You always just seemed like a really weird guy, in a good way.
Mr Lee: You want to know what happened to me? It started when we were roommates.
CUT to title screen. Title reads:
Mr Lee
‘A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste’
CUT to MR LEE sitting on a couch, watching TV. MR SAUER walks behind him and pulls on a coat. When MR LEE talks, his voice is normal, not so much a raspy croak as before.
Mr Lee: Where are you going?
Mr Sauer: To Mr Dante’s. We’re linking up some X-Box 360’s, and Mr Tommy is bringing Perfect Dark Zero.
MR SAUER walks away. MR LEE springs up in disbelief. He stares silently after MR SAUER.
Mr Lee: OH, FINE! GO PLAY YOUR PRECIOUS PERFECT DARK ZERO! WHY DON’T I JUST CRAWL UP IN A
CORNER AND DIE SOMEWHERE, THEN?!
Mr Sauer (offscreen): Sounds like you’ve got your night planned. Don’t wait up.
Door slams. MR LEE looks enraged. He turns and storms offscreen in the other direction. BLACKOUT.
Mr Little (V/O): So your general eccentricity is basically attributed to not being invited to play Perfect Dark Zero.
Mr Lee (V/O, raspy voice): Yeah, pretty much. There were some other factors but that was the main one.
Mr Kuhn (V/O): That’s just fucking weird.
Mr Lee (V/O): Well I’m just fucking weird.
Mr Kuhn (V/O): That’s true.
Mr Lee (V/O): Besides, it started to work out for me. I got a job as an Internet Law Enforcer not long after.
SLOW FADE TO PICTURE. MR LEE stands looking at camera, which is obviously from PETROL VICTIM’S point of view.
Mr Lee: About time you woke up.
Petrol Victim (groggy): Unh…who are you?
Mr Lee: Just call me Mr Lee.
Petrol Victim: Aaghh…my head hurts.
CUT to view looking at both men. PETROL VICTIM is tied to the chair. Blood runs down his cheek.
Mr Lee (twisted grin): Oh, that. I got bored of waiting so I pistol-whipped you a few times. Plus I slashed your
cheek.
Petrol Victim: OH GOD! WHAT THE HELL FOR?!
MR LEE holds up posting from Internet Message Board. A post under the username BOSS WEASEL reads ‘lol rly htat is fcuking wak!!!111’.
Mr Lee: This is yours, is it not?
Petrol Victim: Well, yeah, but it was just a forum post!!! OW!!!
Mr Lee: ‘Just’ a forum post? No, Mr Weasel, that was syntax genocide. You brutalised a language that day. And
the Internet does not hold fair trials. My employers pay me to carry out an eye for an eye. So you will
receive that which you have given. Wait right here.
MR LEE walks out the door; the camera follows him to his car. He pulls out his key and unlocks the boot. CUT to trunk shot; that is, the camera looks out the boot at MR LEE as he reaches in to grab something. When he reaches back, we see it’s a Jerry Can. Cut to behind MR LEE as he shuts the boot. He walks back inside, and the camera follows again. He sets the Jerry Can down on the floor.
Petrol Victim: What the hell is that for?!
Mr Lee: A blatant rip-off of an infamous scene. Be glad I left your ear on. Now for the last touch…
MR LEE presses a button on the CD player. Stuck In The Middle With You begins to play. MR LEE picks up the Jerry Can and begins to dance around slowly, singing along, unscrewing the cap. Camera alternates shots between MR LEE and PETROL VICTIM. Abruptly, MR LEE begins to splash PETROL VICTIM with the contents of the Jerry Can.
Mr Lee (while splashing): This is for the English language.
CUT back to PATRIOTS. The OTHER SEVEN stare in astonishment at MR LEE.
Mr Hermes: …do we really want to know what happened next?
Mr Lee: I didn’t kill him.
Awkward silence. The PATRIOTS look around at each other uneasily.
Mr Lee: What happened, did I kill the conversation?
Mr Tim: No, we’re just out of flashbacks.
Mr Phil: What the hell are we going to do now?
All PATRIOTS look thoughtful, pondering in silence. Camera CUTS between each member, taking in each expression. It then CUTS to a behind shot. After a few moments of silence, all PATRIOTS rise.
Patriots (gleefully, as one): FIST FIGHT!
The PATRIOTS begin to brawl for no apparent reason, laughing all the while.
THE END
8/11/2006 6:54:32 AM
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