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Yo' Mummy p7
By CeratosPit
“Hey, dad!” Fuzzy called as he found his way back to the chamber his father and the Calamaris were in. “Dad I put on the condom and I started hallucinating and I saw a Pyramid with a huge Diamond on it and there were all these bright flashing lights and these voices in, like, German or something!”
O’Conartist eyed his son cautiously and reached into his right pocket. He pulled out a bag of weed. “Son, what did I tell you about this?”
Fuzzy rolled his eyes. “Marijuana will stunt your growth if you smoke it before your thirteen. I know. But dad, I didn’t--” And before the boy could finish his sentence, a great, bright light emanated from his swollen crotch. He still had the golden condom on! The same hologram he saw it the bathroom had filled the room. Complete with Pyramid and foreign voices Fuzzy sPoke of. It was all over within a few seconds and it ended with sPonsorship ads from Exxon and Coca Cola.
“Wow, ancient Egypt was worse than corporate America!” O’Conartist said smugly.
“Indeed.” Juanathan agreed. “The sPhynx was actually just an ad to sell to sell running shoes! Wasn’t it, Neevy? Neevy?” Juanathan sPun around to search the large room, but his sister wasn’t their. “Gentlemen, where is sister?”
“Oh yeah, a bald guy in a skirt with rotting skin patches and that whiny little guy in the genie hat that dad doesn’t like came by and took her while you guys were watching that, uh, holograndma!” Fuzzy told them.
“What in blazes--?” Juanathan asked.
“Oh no, Juan! Puny must have come here with a skinhead drag queen and kidnapped Nevessa!” O’Conartist explained in an alarmed tone, reloading his assault rifle. “And it ain’t the first time!”
“Well, that is two things off my list of stuff to do!” Impotent laughed, carrying the tied up Nevessa over his shoulders as he walked down a corridor with Puny by his side. Impotent was more or less entirely human now. His features were the same as they were back in ancient Egypt. Bald head, big ears, pasty skin complexion. The only signs of him being undead were a few holes and rotten patches of skin scattered around his body. “She will make a sPlendid sacrifice, my subordinate! I have done well to trust your decision!”
Puny blushed a little bit. “Aw shucks, master! You are too kind!”
“I beg your pardon,” Neevy interrupted, “But what does he mean when he says ‘sacrifice’?”
“Well, my dear,” Puny began, “You have just been abducted by a decomposing Egyptian high priest who will kill you and use your body to resurrect a long dead Princess that will rule the world by his side!”
“But I already did that in college!” Neevy protested. “It took ages to get that molasses out of my braided hair!”
Suddenly, from behind them, ten gunshots rang out in succession and Impotent found himself covered in even more holes than before! “Sorry, Mr. Clean!” O’Conartist yelled as he fired away at the mummy. “But the lady’s staying with us!”
Impotent didn’t even drop Nevessa from his shoulders. That he was shaken by the bullets is true, but the holes healed up in seconds and he wound up more angry than hurt. “That…stung.” the Mummy grumbled. O’Conartist couldn’t believe his bullets had no effect on the man. “Now let us see how well you do against my…ARMY OF MUTANT CYBORG ZOMBIES!” He raised his hand, and out of the ground came the reanimated and anatomically rearranged corpses of Impotent’s servants with metal coating in certain areas.
“Mutant Cyborg Zombies!?” O’Conartist cried. He then looked to Juanathan who was casually reading a book entitled ‘Supernatural Endangered sPecies Act of 1937’. “Dude what the hell are you reading?”
“Just making sure killing Mutant Cyborg Zombies won’t get us thrown in jail again.” the hisPanic Brit explained. Then he closed the book and lowered the American’s rifle. “Sorry, old boy. I’m afraid that there’s a $2000 fine for killing these things…well, re-killing them.”
“Damn It!” O’Conartist whined, just before the Mutant Cyborg Zombies ganged up and put a beat down on the three guys.
“Juanathan! O’Conartist! No!” Nevessa cried as she wriggled in her ropes.
“Excellent work, master!” Puny praised the Mummy. “They will never be able to escape the clutches of your Mutant Cyborg Zombies!” And then, his expression turned into one of worry. Impotent’s army just stopped, one by one and O’Conartist, Fuzzy and Juanathan crawled out of the pile. “Hey, why are they escaping?”
“Yeah, we just unplugged them.” Fuzzy said, holding up a bunch of extension cords.
“Damn It!” Impotent whined in the exact same way O’Conartist did moments before. “Oh well, I will just have to telekinetically strangle you all!” And with that, he raised his hand again but this time he lifted the three guys into the air and squeezed their throats without even touching them. The grim smile crossing his face was short lived when Neevy started kneeing his head with her tied up legs.
“You let them go, do you here me?” she demanded while giving the mummy a headache.
Impotent relinquished her from his shoulders and dropped her into Puny’s arms. “Here, hold my booty-licious bride to be while I crush these INFIDELS!” He continued suffocating the three dangling adventurers as their lives began slipping away. “You are, how do you say, Really Screwed Now!”
“Yo, Mummy!” cried a voice from behind the Mummy. Impotent turned his head to see this new nuisance. It was an Egyptian man in black robes and little “Z” tattoos on his cheeks. “Let us see you screw to this!” He held up the O’Conartist’s open wallet and disPlayed the photo of Fuzzy’s mother, Harriett Ballz. Quite possibly the ugliest woman in the world.
Appalled and scared shitless by the photograph, Impotent screamed like a girl as he dropped his victims and turned into a huge dust devil. He sucked up Neevy and Puny and flew out through an opening in the ceiling. They were all gone in an instant.
“Well that…was jolly good fun.” Juanathan gasped.
“All this for a book.” O’Conartist grumbled. “We should’ve just gone to Barnes & Nobles.”
“Did you read from the Book of the Dead?” the stranger asked.
“Dude, manners!” Fuzzy said. “Don’t be asking us questions before you introduce yourself! Don’t you know that that’s rude?”
“Forgive me.” begged the stranger. “My name is Mardeth Booyah. I am the chieftan of a secret society of desert warriors known as the Mo-Djo. We are dedicated to preventing the resurrection of the Mummy Impotent. The Mummy you just unleashed upon a helpless and unsusPecting world. THAT was rude.”
“This Mummy is impotent, you say?” Juanathan giggled.
Mardeth groaned. “That is his name. He is not actually sterile. He is--”
“He was probably beaten up by all the other little mummies on the playground!” O’Conartist said.
“Look, if we don’t stop him he will--” Mardeth continued.
“Hey dad!” Fuzzy interrupted. “You fired ten shots at a guy who was named after shooting off blanks!”
“Oh!” O’Conartist high fived his son.
“Are you all quite done?” Mardeth asked impatiently. “Because the guy with the funny name is going to conquer the world! Now then, did you--”
“No, Mardy, we didn’t read from the book of the dead.” O’Conartist answered. “We didn’t even find it. All we found was some ferocious gerbils and golden condoms.” He indicated fuzzy who knocked on his crotch and replayed the hologram.
“But the mummy could only be resurrected by a reading from the book.” Mardeth said, confused.
“Perhaps that Puny chap read from the book.” Juanathan told Mardeth. “He was the unsavory little fellow at Impotent’s side, holding my dear sister.”
“Sister?” Mardeth asked. “Wait a second, you’re a british, what, Puerto Rican? And she--”
“Yeah, just forget about that.” O’Conartist advised. “I still don’t get it myself. But here’s a question for you. Why is that thing afraid of Fuzzy’s mom?”
“Why wouldn’t he be?” Mardeth asked back. “That has to be the most heinous creation in Allah’s kingdom.”
“She wasn’t that bad…” O’Conartist mumbled to himself.
2 B Continued...
4/17/2003 11:59:12 AM
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