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Yo' Mummy p6
By CeratosPit
After being dead for millions of years, the bandage wrapped cadaver of Impotent stepped out of his casket as though he was only in for a few hours. Grumpy and groggy, he picked up his clock radio and looked at the time. “Whhhhaaaat!? A Million Years!?” he screamed in disbelief. “Unacceptable! Room service will pay with their LIVES for their unpunctuality!” Impotent then turned and saw the ancient skeleton of a bellhop lying in a corner. He paused. “Well, that’s been taken care of. Very good. NOW! Onto The BATHROOM For My Monster PISS TAKING!!!”
The mummy walked over to the adjoining bathroom. He hurried to unzip his ravaged pants as he stepped to the urinal and relieved himself. Meanwhile, a nearby toilet stall suddenly glowed with flashing lights and images, hosted by ancient voices. Impotent was too preoccupied with his leak to take any notice. In about twenty seconds, the light show stopped, and young Fuzzy O’Conartist stepped out of his stall with a huge lump in his crotch. “Whoa.” he sighed. He walked out of the bathroom paying little attention to the animated corpse taking the longest leak ever at the urinal.
A few seconds passed by, and Impotent was still pissing. Fuzzy just walked back in and headed for the sink. “Oops.” he said. “I almost forgot to was my hands!” to which the mummy just grumbled.
Meanwhile, Puny continued reading the book of the dead in his chamber while friends ate their old sandwiches. “Mecha Lecha Hi, Mecha Heiny Heiny Ho. Oh man, I do not even know what this crap means. Let’s just get out of here and pawn this book, already.”
“Hey, hold up, man.” Francois said, digging through various items. “There’s some other cool shit in here. Like, check out this oil lamp. Hmm. There appears to be an inscription on it…” Francois vigorously rubbed the dust off the lamp. “Aw, man, I still can’t read it.”
“You’re right, it’s too dark in here.” Paul said. “Hey Jon, hit the lights!”
“I’m Jon!” said Jon as flicked the switch of an ancient Egyptian lamp in the corner of the room. But instead of light, a puff of smoke came out and a hairy, blue Genie appeared above them.
“I am the Genie of the Lamp!” the Genie announced. “The wrong lamp, granted, but what am I gonna do? My real estate agent’s been pushing up daisies for so long, there’s probably an oasis over his grave by now! Hey-Yo!” He swung a golf club to add effect to his joke, but it was wasted on this audience of four. “Hey, these are the jokes, folks! What is this, an audience or a hieroglyph?”
“I’m Jon!” said Jon.
“Where did that golf club come from?” Paul asked.
“Why, from my good friend, Tiger Woods of course! Isn’t that right, Tiger?” The Genie then made a duplicate of himself that appeared in Nike gear and squealed, “I’m Tiger Woods! I’m Tiger Woods!”
“Yes, save it for open mic night.” Puny lied. “Listen, do we get three wishes now or what?”
“One wish!” the Genie said as he turned into a number one and looking at Jon. “And only he gets the wish, because he liberated me. In fact I think I’ll sing a song about it!”
“Please don’t.” Francois said in a worried voice.
An upbeat melody began filling the room, and the Genie began to sing. “Well, I’ve finally gotten out of my lamp, and now I’m as free as a little dove! After a million years, I have a cramp, so I’ll turn into things I shouldn’t have any knowledge of!”
Back in the bathroom, Impotent was still pissing away for a good twenty seconds. Distracting him was the music of a singing Genie in a nearby room, but at least he couldn’t see it transform into the things it was singing about.
“Bowl of Jelly, Flat-screen TV, Cadillac Escalade! Boba Fett action figure and a Glass of Lemonade! With me as your friend you’ll have it made in the Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaade!” And the music stooped. “So, what’ll your wish be, Master?” the Genie asked with a wide open grin.
“I’m Jon!” said Jon.
Without changing the expression on his face, the Genie turned to the others and shrugged his shoulders. “He says he wishes you would disappear forever and never bother anybody again!” Francois lied to get the Genie to go away.
“But--” and the Genie disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Impotent finally finished peeing and washing his hands…in the sink…with water. He put his bony hands beneath the dry blower and rubbed them together. “GAH! I Care Not If These Be More Environmentally Friendly, They Take FOREVER To Dry My Hands! Hands Which Will Strangle The INFIDEL That Invented Them!” Finally, his hands were dry and the machine shut it’s self off. Impotent pulled a checklist out of his pocket. “Let us see now, what needs to be done now that I, IMPOTENT, High Priest of Hamenothebomaptra, have been brought back into the realm of the living!
“Regenerate body parts and regain superpowers. Find sacrifice to resurrect into Princess Labloop-De-Doop-De-Dooren into. Pick up laundry. Battle The GERBIL KING! Take over the world. Buy Apple Juice.” Impotent finished reading his list. “Then so it shall be done!” He walked into the room occupied by Puny and his friends and flicked the lamp switch on and off. Nothing happened. He now noticed the four tomb raiders watching him with raised eyebrows. “Attention, Infidels! Have any of you released a powerful Genie around here!?”
“You mean the hairy, blue, annoying one?” Francois asked. “Yeah, he’s gone forever pal. Sorry.”
“Infidels!” the mummy scolded. “Now I shall have to regenerate my features in the really ICKY way!” Impotent grabbed the scalps of Jon and Paul and sucked the life force out of them. When he was finished, seconds later, three quarters of his body was covered in a fresh, new skin while their forms were reduced to nasty skeletons. “There now, that should almost do it. I require only one more sacrifice to restore myself to my former GLORY! So which one shall I absorb and which one shall I keep as a man-slave?”
“Ooh! Ooh!” Francois raised his hand. “I’ll be your man-slave! I’m very useful! I have a bachelor’s degree in Egyptology and I can sPeak thirteen different languages!”
“A tempting offer.” Impotent considered. “And you?”
“I have an X-Box at my house.” Puny said.
Well, this was no big decision for Impotent. The High Priest of Hamenothebomaptra walked off a minute later with his arm around Puny’s shoulder, leaving behind the skeletal remains of Francois on the ground. “You know, master, I have a feeling this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!” said Puny.
2 B Continued...
4/5/2003 4:25:03 PM
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