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Yo' Mummy p5
By CeratosPit
O’Conartist, Juanathan, Nevessa and Fuzzy ran for their lives through the ancient hallways, as the throng of carnivorous gerbils chased them. There were no visible avenues of escape from the little devils, until our heroes came to a fork in the road. Or tunnel or hallway or whatever. “Look!” cried Nevessa pointing to a hieroglyphic sign over the left tunnel. “It says ‘Anti-Gerbil hallway’!” Finding no reason to do otherwise, the gang ran into the left tunnel while horde of rodents ran into the right.
Further along, in another part of the underground chamber, Puny and Alex were rummaging through a room filled with useless artifacts of ancient Egyptian knick knacks. “I tell you, Alex.” Puny told Alex. “All we have found so far are some ancient Egyptian can openers and bicycle pumps. I am beginning to wonder whether or not there really is a golden, jewel encrusted Book of the Dead.”
“I will tell you this much, Puny.” Alex told that much to Puny. “We certainly did not bring you down here to throw you a surprise birthday party if that is what you are thinking!”
Puny proceeded searching for the book when he opened up an unlocked chest. A golden glow emanated from inside and shown on the little weasel’s face. “Alex! Come quickly, I have found it! I have found the Book of the Dead!” he cried as the picked up a solid gold, jewel encrusted cover.
“Uh, Puny?” Alex enlightened his friend. “That is not the Book of the Dead. It is just a golden, bejeweled copy of ‘The Great Gatsby’.”
“Oh.” Puny said putting the book back inside. He then pulled out another. “What about this one?”
“That one’s ‘Lord of the Flies’.”
“Oh. This one?”
Over in a nearby chamber full of useless artifacts, O’Conartist and the gang continued their search for the Book of the Dead. No one had any luck. Fuzzy however, happened to stumble across a small box filled with golden condoms. “Daddy! Daddy!” Fuzzy turned around, calling his father from the other side of the room. “Lookit! I found golden balloons!”
O’Conartist squinted to see what his son held back their. He laughed at the scamp’s childish deduction. “No, son, that’s not a balloon! It’s a condom.”
“What’s a condom?” Fuzzy asked.
“It’s what you slip on your penis when your having sex with a prostitute so that you don’t become infected with any yucky venereal diseases!” the father explained.
“Oh, you mean like cooties?” Fuzzy tried to understand.
“No, I mean like crabs and herpes and genital warts!”
Juanathan and Nevessa, by the way, seemed very disturbed by this conversation.
“Ohhhhh, awesome! Does that mean I can go have sex with a prostitute?”
“Now son, you’re much too young for that!” O’Conartist tried to explain. “And I wouldn’t be much of a father if I didn’t try to protect you from those kinds of things. But I suppose it‘s never to early to be ready for adulthood, so why don’t you go off to the bathroom and practice trying them on?”
“Yaaaaaaaayyyy!” Fuzzy screamed as he ran into the little pharaoh’s room on the right side of the chamber.
His father’s eyes began to tear up. “They grow up so fast, these days.” He than wiped his face and continued delving through the artifacts. Juan and Neevy gave each other a confused look.
Back in the other chamber, Puny and Alex continued searching for the book of the dead amid the various other golden, bejeweled editions of classic literature…
“‘Animal Farm’.” said Alex.
“Oh. This one?” asked Puny.
“‘Atlas Shrugged’.”
“Eww. This one?”
“Ah, finally! You’ve found the Book of the Dead!” Alex congratulated his cousin. “But I must tell you, that there is a warning written on the cover…”
But before Alex could say anything, the hungry swarm of gerbils entered the room, climbed up his pants and forced themselves into his anus! Alex screamed aloud as he felt his insides being eaten up by a hundred gerbils while another hundred tried to force themselves inside! He writhed in pain as the gerbils visibly burrowed beneath his skin. “Yo, Alex.” Puny said. “You wanted to tell me something?”
Alex just screamed. He could feel the gerbils begin to gnaw their way into his lungs. “Don’t read from the book!!!”
“Book? What book?” Puny asked. “Atlas Shrugged? Because don’t worry, I had no intention of reading that one at all!”
“No, you fool!!!” Alex growled with gerbils chewing away at his vocal chords. “You must not read from the Book of the Dead!!!”
“What was that you said, Alex?” Puny asked. “Your voice is breaking up. Did you say that I must read from the Book?”
“Noooooooo…!!!” Alex choked his last words as a gerbil chewed it’s way out of his neck. A few seconds later, the gerbils had all finished eating his internal organs and large patches of his skin. They ran back out of the hallway they entered the room from with full tummies. Once they left, Puny’s three other friends walked in from the same hallway wearing party hats.
“Hey, man. Happy Birthday!” said Francois, holding a sandwich in one hand and a present in the other. He than pointed to Alex’s corpse. “What’s with him?”
“Wow, you guys remembered! That is so awesome! Oh, the gerbils all crawled up his ass and ate him up from the inside.” Puny explained.
“Bummer. That’s gross.” Francois said, eating his sandwich.
“I’m Jon!” said Jon.
“Say, where did you get those yummy sandwiches, bro?” Puny asked.
“Oh, we found these, uh, ancient ruins of an Egyptian Deli.” said Paul. “They’re actually kind of stale.”
“I’m Jon!” said Jon.
“Hey, man, is that that Book of the Dead you were looking for?” Francois asked.
“It sure is!” Puny said. “And before Alex here was so gruesomely eaten, I got the distinct feeling that he wanted me to read from it.”
“I’m Jon!” said Jon.
“Uh, Congratulations?” Puny told Jon. He then opened the book and began reading the ancient Egyptian text. “Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya da da. Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here. Mocha Chocolata ya ya. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir.”
Elsewhere in the underground chambers, in the tomb of the high priest Impotent, a sarcophagus began to shake violently! And within moments, the rotten, mummified corpse of the aforementioned Impotent burst out of it’s manmade shell and roared, “HONKY SCREW-- I mean, uh, RRRAAAAAAGGGGHHHHRRRR!!!”
“Did you guys hear that?” O’Conartist asked from the other underground room.
“Oh, terribly sorry.” Juanathan apologized. “I had a couple of those Gorditas myself…”
4/4/2003 10:50:18 AM
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