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Yo' Mummy p2
By CeratosPit
ANCIENT EGYPT
.……TODAY…….
O’Conartist was a ruggedly handsome young man with brown hair down to his shoulders, and stubble that came from a week without shaving. He sat in his dank, Egyptian jail cell talking to his only fiend; a five pound Gambian Pouched Rat. “They don’t know you’ve come back to me, Mr. Tinkles. And they can never know. So we’re just going to have to be quiet. As quiet as a mouse.”
Just then, the fat slob of a Warden walked by his cell. “Hey, O’Conartist! You can play your perverted little rodent games on your own time! You have visitors.”
O’Conartist smiled and turned to his rodent friend. “Did you hear that, Mr. Tinkles! Our pizza’s finally here!” He then turned to the warden. “It had better not be cold! I sPecifically requested a piping hot pepperoni pizza with pickled peppers, peppered pickles and pieces of pineapple as my last meal!”
“Yeah, it’s not the pizza guy.” said the warden. “He came by earlier, and me and the rest of the guards ate it and made jokes at your expense. No, your visitors are some Puerto Rican guy and a South African chick.”
“Hmm. Friends of yours, Mr. Tinkles?” O’Conartist asked his Rat who shook his little head. “Well, I have no clue who they are either, but if they say they’re my parents then I’m gonna die a very confused young man. Send them in, warden!”
With a wave of the warden’s hand, the aforementioned visitors walked into O’Conartist’s view. The first was a young, clean cut hisPanic male wearing a white suit that clashed with the dank surroundings of the prison. The young lady wore a black dress, had the face of a Nubian goddess and…Oh! Such an ass! The warden handed the young man a stun gun. “If he gives you any trouble,” he explained, “I suggest you aim for the testicles! Or the nipples! Or the eyes or mouth or any facial area that would cause irreversible damage! It’s cool, because he is going to be executed in an hour!”
“I appreciate the sentiment, my good man…” the Puerto Rican said in a surprisingly crusty British accent. “However I don’t believe I shall put this gentleman through anymore torture than has already been bestowed upon him! Take a look at the poor soul! All his months of incarceration have rendered him an atrocity to behold!”
“Hey! Buddy!” O’Conartist interjected. “First of all, I’ve only been in prison for three days! Second of all, who in the Hell are you?”
“Ah, yes. Please forgive me. My name is Juanathan Calamari.” Juanathan introduced himself. “And this is my little sister, Nevessa Calamari.”
“It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. O’Conartist.” Nevessa smiled.
“Yeah, it’ll be even more of a pleasure when you acquaint me with that fine, Cherry Bomb Ass of yours!” O’Conartist said as he licked his lips.
“I beg your pardon!?” Nevessa demanded.
“Oh, you’ll be begging for a lot more than that, baby, yeah!” O’Conartist said while making pelvic thrusts.
“That does it!” growled the warden, taking back his stun gun. “Consider your genitals fried!”
“Now listen here!” Juanathan demanded. “Nobody is frying anybody’s…genitals. And Mr. O’Conartist, I demand you apologize to my little sister at once!”
“Yeah, listen, I’m really sorry, baby!” O’Conartist apologized. “It’s just that I’ve been in this terrible prison for so long, that I barely remember how to act in front of a lady as lovely as yourself. Let alone compliment one!”
Nevessa giggled like a schoolgirl at the compliment. “Yes, well, I suppose that it’s all-- wait one moment! You said you were only here for three days!”
“Well, yeah! Physically!” O’Conartist explained. “But, you know, mentally it’s felt like years! Sometimes I swear I can hear the rat talk!”
“You swear?” Mr. Tinkles asked him.
“Every Goddamn, motherfucking shithole of a day!” said the prisoner. “But, I stray from the point. And the point is, what do you people want from me?”
“Well, we understand that you’ve recently came across the ruins of the ancient city, Hamburgalaroptera.” Juanathan elucidated.
“You mean, Hamenothebomaptra?” O’Conartist corrected. “Yeah, I’ve been there. Just last week. I was driving to Sudan, but my bastard friend, Puny gave me the wrong map! I realized later that it was a treasure map from the back of a Capn’ Crunch box! So, anyway, I stop by this place called Hamenothebomaptra, but there weren’t any gas stations. Just Pillars and tombs and skeletons. Lots of skeletons. One of them even tried to attack me!”
“Oh my word!” Nevessa gasPed.
“Yeah, it looked like friggin’ Joan Rivers. Sounded like her too. Even said it had an untalented daughter named Melissa.” O’Conartist continued. “So I snapped it in half like it was a twig, and the next thing I know, this grease ball throws me in jail!”
“Hey!” protested the warden. “Listen, buddy, killing living skeletons is a crime punishable by death under Egypt’s Supernatural Endangered sPecies Act of 1937. There’s only about a thousand left in the wild, and not even a hundred left in captivity! And because of that, you are going to die, my friend.”
“Let me ask you, Mr. O’Conartist.” Nevessa asked. “If we were to bail you out, would you be able to lead us back to the ancient city?”
O‘Conartist thought for a second. “Turn around.”
“Excuse me?” Nevessa asked.
“Do it.” O’Conartist told her.
And once she complied, he reached through the bars and grabbed a handful of that ass. Before she could turn around, the warden took out his stun gun and zapped O’Conartist’s left nipple! “That does it!” roared the warden. “Screw fifty five minutes, you are going to be executed now!” And with that, he unlocked the cell door and grabbed O’Conartist by the shoulder.
“Alright, alright!” O’Conartist said. “Just give me one more minute!”
The warden loosened his grip. “Alright! One more minute!”
O’Conartist turned to the Calamaris. “Sorry ‘bout that. But you can consider it my fee. Get me out of here and I’ll take you to Hamenothebomaptra. And Mr. Tinkles?” O’Conartist turned his attention to his intesPecies friend. “This is your home, and you wouldn’t want to go with me. I’m afraid I have to leave you now.”
“I can take care of Mr. Tinkles for you if you want.” said a large, black inmate in the cell across from his.
O’Conartist smiled and nodded at Mr. Tinkles. The huge rat ran across the hallway and into the large prisoner’s cell, who held him fondly. O‘Conartist shed a tear. “Thank you, Michael Clark Duncan. Take good care of him.”
“I will, O’Conartist.” Michael said. “Live free.”
“Die well.” he replied.
“Okay, okay, minute’s up!” the warden interrupted. “You go die, now!” He dragged O’Conartist out of his cell and down the hall.
Juanathan turned to his sister. “So what do you think Nevessa? Should we free him?”
“I could tell that he was a man of his word when he grabbed a hold of my shapely buttock.” Nevessa explained. “He may be a scoundrel, but Heaven help me, I trust him.”
“Then we haven’t a moment to sPare. Come, Neevy!” And the two siblings followed the warden.
Meanwhile, Michael Clarke Duncan was tickling Mr. Tinkles’ forehead. “Hey, little fellow. I have some cheese hidden somewhere in my body, and it’s all yours if you want to go find it.” Mr Tinkles looked up at him. “I’ll give you a hint.” the giant whisPered. “It’s in my butt!”
2 B Continued...
3/30/2003 12:05:20 PM
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