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Yo' Mummy p1
By CeratosPit
“Millions of years ago in ancient Egypt, a terrible scourge known only as the Gerbil King and his vast hordes of warriors ran rampage through the ancient city of Hamenothebomaptra…”
A scrawny, blond, Russian geek wielding a kitchen knife and a Gerbil shaped shield ran barefoot through the scorching sand dunes of the desert outside of Hamenothebomaptra with twenty of his buddies behind him. Ahead of them, the gates of the city opened and out poured 1,000 hulking soldiers mounted on great horses, wielding the most gnarly swords ever made. Within a minute, they reached the Gerbil King and his men.
“…The battle that ensued between The King of All Gerbil’s Men and the Hamenothebomaptran army was their longest ever. And while the mighty Gerbil King fought valiantly, he saw his following fall beneath overwhelming numbers. And so, the last of his own, great legion, he retreated into the desert…”
Seeing the forces he was up against, the Gerbil King fell to his hands and knees and buried his head in the sand. Within seconds, the Hamenothebomaptran army made mincemeat out of his buddies, and returned to their city. Later, The GK picked his head up and took a look at all the blood and gore painting the sands around him. “Oh, sheet.” he said.
“…Outraged by his defeat, the Gerbil King wandered the vast deserts in search for some way to exact his revenge on the Hamenothebomaptrans. Finally, he came across the root belonging to the god of the dream realm. Beseeching the great god, he threw his head back and cried the sacred name into the heavens…”
When he got back up, the Gerbil King tripped on a lone sProut of weed and fell down again. He then rolled up the Ganja and lit it. “Cannabis!” he yelled, summoning the God of Weed. “Yo, geeve me a army to beat Hamenothebomaptrans, dog!”
“…Smiling upon the gall of the lone warrior, Cannabis sent forth an army in his likeness to the Land of the Living. The sands around the Gerbil King came to life and took the horrifying shape of their creator…”
As the Gerbil King got high, the desert puked up thousands of giant, ebon warriors with Furbies for heads. They mumbled things like, “Me So Happy!” and “Ah-Choo!” The GK was a tad disappointed. He expected gang bangers or something. “I wanted some Crips, yo. Gangsta!”
“…And so, led by their new general, the Cannabian warriors descended upon Hamenothebomaptra and decimated it’s inhabitants in a vicious rage! High on Bloodlust, the Gerbil King broke into the palace and stabbed Princess Lasuba-Kan-Mazu-Shivaren through the chest! Little did he know, he was watched…”
Okay, yeah, that’s pretty much how it all went down.
“…Leaping from behind the curtains, High Priest Impotent charged the Gerbil King with a sword in hand and fury in his heart! He would avenge the death of his beloved by slaying the man who had sent her into the next world…”
“Dude!” exclaimed Impotent. “You just killed, my sister/cousin/wife! That’s totally not cool! I’m gonna kill your ass now!”
“…But before his blade could meet the throat of the Gerbil King, the latter had disappeared into the air, courtesy of the interfering hand of Cannabis. For you see, when he gave the King of All Gerbils his army to defeat the Hamenothebomaptrans, the price was his eternal service. And now that the task of the Cannabian warriors was fulfilled, the time had come for the Gerbil King to carry out his end of the bargain…”
Impotent sliced through the air where the Gerbil King once stood. But he was gone. And Princess Lameva-Korup-Zifa-Fakaren was left unavenged. “GERBIL KIIIIIIIING!!!” Impotent screamed. But the GK was gone.
“…With good reason too! Had Impotent slain the Gerbil King, he would have gained full control over Cannabis’ army! Yet still, the High Priest swore undying revenge on his wife’s murderer…”
“I shall avenge thee, Princess Lating-Tangwalla-wallabing-bangren!” Impotent said. “Even if I must return from the dead to do it!”
3/28/2003 2:41:05 PM
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