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Yes, this story is great because it is like one of mine...and all my stories are great.
At 3:17:16 PM on 9/19/2003, The_Shniz said:
And some of us should consider being unbiased...
At 11:50:47 PM on 9/18/2003, Icebreaker said:
PS: Everybody who criticized this story...STFU, it is badass...And some of you should look at your OWN work before criticizing others
At 11:49:07 PM on 9/18/2003, Icebreaker said:
Fuckin CooL...Dude Colin that is some good shit, maybe you should write a longer version of this and turn it into a larger story, it would be pretty CooL
Good Shit. Semper Fi
~ICeBReaKeR
At 10:48:31 PM on 9/18/2003, drucifer67 said:
Dammit...I forgot to mention this:
The title confuses the heck out of me. What "Unity" is "Gone" exactly? Maybe I'm just confused :)
At 10:47:13 PM on 9/18/2003, drucifer67 said:
I'm going to be completely honest here...hope that's not a problem.
I almost didn't read past the first sentence, because it was a run-on, and I'm a little anal about things like that. I'm a grammar whore--sue me :)
But--getting past that, I found the concept highly interesting. There is potential here, for certain. My advice would be:
1) Sit down and re-write the story from word one. Sounds like a lot, sure, but it's the best way to get a fresh perspective. Look into the characters a little more deeply--make the ones you hate a little bit likeable, and the ones you like a little bit nasty. Explore their thoughts, rather than just their actions. Let the reader know who the main character is and what makes him tick. Even in a short story, it's important for the reader to give a shit.
2) Explore the possibility of expanding on some of the ideas in the story--maybe a flashback showing what assholes Darrel and the others are. It might help to add a little addition like extending the sequence where he arrives in hell. Perhaps a "waking up" sort of sequence where Jack has no idea where he is, with some nice surreal descriptions, before contacting the other men who have joined him in hell.
This little story has promise, there's no doubt about that. If you have the time to rework it, I'd love to see the end result.
At 9:39:16 PM on 9/18/2003, Parasaur.w said:
Disturbing and anti-climactic. I liked it until the end.
...Pete
At 6:55:38 PM on 9/18/2003, SpinoMonkey said:
what everyone below me said...
At 6:42:18 PM on 9/18/2003, The_Shniz said:
Eh... ending totally ruined it.
At 6:27:48 PM on 9/18/2003, Seth Rex said:
Good story. Not the best but no story truly is the best.
At 5:32:26 PM on 9/18/2003, DarialLongsword said:
Em...
This looks like one of those things you write when you're bored and have 5 minutes to kill.
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