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Great story. i finally got around to reading it after a month.
At 11:58:48 AM on 7/5/2002, Vader said:
Very nice story, well laid out, and professionally written. I'm glad you chose to weave a message into the story to get a point across to the audience about the danger of weapons. However, I must agree I was slightly dissapointed with the end - it seemed like you spent a while working on the rest, but then quickly just hurried to end the story for the release.
Still, very nice story. :)
At 8:55:42 AM on 7/5/2002, dark hunter said:
Okay lets see where to begin, okay it was crap.... just kidding.
Completely different, that gave to an upper hand, you had something to work with, the start was good, it started off very well but slowly the story lost what it could have been, parts were rushed, the colour was dissorienterring (sp?) and there wasn't that mcuh character development, characters were introduced too quickly and killed off as quick. Some subtitles telling us how far apart from the beggining different parts were could be useful as well.
enough of the bad parts.
The whole idea was awesome, a walking gun that held the power to kill the world, good idea, the main character was unexpected which made it even better, the girl has to be good looking or the most beautiful...doesn't she? YES! hehe you did this well, the cop as another good guy, but who died, was a good edition, though why the walking gun kept him alive is a mystery.
all up the story had a lot of potential and was good but lost ground on the fact that the story was a bit confusing and looked to be rushed, still a good story.
C+
~Dark Hunter
At 1:07:05 AM on 7/5/2002, Hero(Raptormark said:
Toby..Very good work. The beginning was probably the best way to start... an action sequence to suck the reader in ASAP.
I hope to read more of your works in the reading.
At 10:06:42 PM on 7/4/2002, PunkNerd said:
very nice toby. an interesting story with social commentary
At 6:41:36 PM on 7/4/2002, Icebreaker said:
<font color=steelblue>Exceptional story...though I do have complaints about the coloring in some of the sections (which I could barely see) Some sections of the story DID feel a bit rushed but nothing to complain about, an awesome story and a very enthralling read! I recommend this story...Nice Work</font>
At 12:47:12 PM on 7/4/2002, Symbiote Spider said:
It was cool. But chapter 5 looked like it was rushed. And some of the coloring was sort of not visible. But over all, pretty good. B+, A-
At 11:49:44 AM on 7/4/2002, tobycompy2.0 said:
<font color=Brick red>Yeah, I've been trying to improve on that. I know Chapter 5 was definately kind of rushed. Everyone always says I'm a good writer and good storytelling I just need better character development. Thanks for the CC, Dino Dude.</font>
At 10:56:20 AM on 7/4/2002, Dino_Dude said:
It was entertaining, at the most. It had a rushed feel to it, which isn't good, especially Chapter 5- I felt that was the most rushed of all, no development at all.
Perhaps you should have considered releasing this in parts, instead of all as one, that way you could have spent all the time up until now working on the start, adding development and working on the main characters alot more.
This is the first work I've read of yours Toby, and it was average. Think of what i've said as constructive critisim, and I hope you're not one to get pissed at comments that aren't all good. (I doubt you are)
Now, don't fret, now for the good stuff;
Overall, it is good entertainment, worth to read because of that, and I'll give you top marks for originality too, <i>very</i> original plot. And nice little statement at the end too, about guns in American homes and all, quite shocking that such a high percentage of homes in America carry guns.
Well that's all from me. :)
Cheers,
<i>Dino_Dude</i>
PS- When writing dialouge, the word 'said' after someone speaks does not need a capital 'S'. LoL, just a little thing I noticed. :)
At 8:23:56 AM on 7/4/2002, TyrannoRex112 said:
To tell you the truth. It was pretty cool. I was a little bit better than what I expected. But I'm not into that kind of stuff anyway. So B on the story line.
A on the fantastic writing though. Good job with that!
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