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Thanks! I know the story hasn't really begun yet, and the chapters will probably get longer. I really appreciate all the feed-back!
At 1:29:51 AM on 5/20/2004, Rez said:
Nothing to go apeshit over, but it was fluent and comprehendable- which is more than I can say for most others. You didn't give us anything plot wise, but you can write, so there's promise.
At 5:19:59 PM on 5/19/2004, sithraptor! said:
Jurassiclaw, thanks for the feedback. I get what you're saying about Dodgson; personally, I always felt good ol' Lew was sort-of the Emperor Palpatine to Nedry's Darth Vader, (although I can't see Wayne Knight making eyes at Natalie Portman). What I mean to say is, Nedry was working for the good guys, (InGen aren't really the good guys, but they're better than BioSyn), and was lured away by Dodgson's promise of power and wealth. Although, of course, Nedry doesn't exactly throw Dodgson down a conveniently-placed vent at the proper moment.
The idea of a redeemable Dodgson is a cool one, indeed. I'll have to ponder that for a while.
In some ideas for JP-realated stories, I've considered Dodgson mellowing out in the face of rampaging dinos. A scene for a story I ended up not writing had Dodgson giving a presentation to BioSyn board members on the mainland, when a T-Rex head bursts through the wall and narrowly misses him.
As for spaces in the chapters, I'll have to incorperate that as the chapter will probably get longer.
At 4:47:15 PM on 5/19/2004, Jurassiclaw said:
It was quite short, so there really isn't that much to say. The writing is competent, workmanlike, and it gets the job done but I wouldn't go nuts.
Note: This isn't a critisism, it's a suggestion: I would suggest trying to make Dodgson a nuanced character, if you want your portrayal of him to stand out, as opposed to the regular "Pure evil greedy CEO" cliché he was in the novels. There's more ambiguity if he isn't irredeemable.
Also, as Stryderman said, it needs to be spaced out (both between paragraphs and paragraphs/dialogue). It's an old screenwriting rule that can also be aplied to novels; shorter blocks of text are more likely to get read. Here it wasn't a problem, due to the extra shortness, but in later chapters it might become a problem - you'll get more comments that way, trust me. Everybody's lazy nowadays.
At 10:49:00 AM on 5/19/2004, sithraptor! said:
Well, if Cyros had given some sort of critisism about the story, what he liked, didn't like, etc. etc., and some actual advice, I wouldn't mind what he had to say. However, when someone just posts two words, (well, one word, really), it's obvious that the someone, (namely Cyros), is just trying to be annoying. Anyway, thanks to the everyone else for taking a look!
At 10:45:03 AM on 5/19/2004, sithraptor! said:
Stryderman, thanks for in the input. As it turns out, McMarkson is a pretty petty guy, but I know what you mean about the reltionship being kind-of bad. Something I might change in latter drafts. I'll have to try the the double-enters thing. Thanks again, and look for chapter 1 soon!
At 10:43:42 AM on 5/19/2004, Aragorn said:
Ignor him, Sith. Cyros is one of the most hated and immature members on this site.
At 4:33:12 AM on 5/19/2004, Stryderman said:
Not too bad. It was clean and organised, which is good. The relationship between McMarkson and his secretary is kind of petty, though. Try using double-enters to space out paragraphs and speech, it helps to break up the solid rush of words. I'm interested.
At 2:48:01 PM on 5/18/2004, sithraptor! said:
Care to state why? Or are you merely stating that becasue I recently dissed most of the fan-fic on the net?
At 12:28:56 PM on 5/18/2004, Cyros said:
Awful awful
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