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means the user is online now! At 5:22:15 PM on 5/13/2013, dieterstark said: Thanks for reading Neo.
At 10:36:15 PM on 12/13/2012, Neo The 1 said: RIVETING.
At 3:35:56 PM on 6/13/2012, dieterstark said: Thanks Martin, I appreciate criticism much more than compliments. Thanks for reading the story.
Now on to brainstorming ways to make it better. Your advice and comments are golden.
At 3:16:27 AM on 5/24/2012, MartinRandle said: Well I read it all. There are some weaker points, like we never know what Destry has done so it is hard to see him as a misunderstood loner, or a callous villain. Maybe that is a deliberate attempt to make the character mysterious - like Stephen King's Gunslinger. But ultimately in a story this short - it ends up making Destry seem rather neutral. I think you could add a little extension to the scene of Destry dying to allow us a sense of time passing between the kid going to fetch his ma and sister and them having that conversation. Some emotional response perhaps, some argument among the townsfolk. Perhaps a paragraph of flashback to give us some sense of pacing.
“Kid, go fetch his ma and sister. He aint got much time left,” the saloon owner said. The kid rushed out of the room. The men crowded the table and examined the dying man, him stay alive long enough to say his goodbyes to his ma and sister."
See what I mean 2 sentences and a couple of very important hours have passed.
I'd have liked to see Bob hanging from that big old tree by his own gunbelt. Without all the explanations for how he died - otherwise - you might as well have shown the sister killing him.
Maybe something in there could show that Destry was a man covering up for his twisted little sisters wayward and some times murderous ways.
In summary - I dunno, it reads ok but it didn't get me excited or chilled, ot angry or saddened. I had no emotional response whatsoever. - it feels like there should be so much more underlying the story. A twist or two, a few double back alleys.
Hope this helps, I write this not to belittle what you have done as I doubt any effort of mine would be as good, just to give you a readers perspective.
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