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I liked the way JP3 was incorporated too. And I think it's feasible that Billy worked for Biosyn. It makes for a cool alternate universe thing.
The rest was a bit on the slow side, I'll have to admit, Vito. Dodgson isn't a favorite of mine, and that's probably why. Just a personal thing. But this Bobby seems okay, so I'll keep tabs on him. I'm having a hard time figuring out why that lady scientist had to go in the sub, but maybe that'll be explained later.
I do think some of the sentence structure was a little off, and every now and then you went back to present tense, like a script. Might want to reread what you post a few more times before you post it, so that you can catch those things beforehand.
I'll read more when I have time.
At 11:14:32 PM on 10/15/2003, JPJunkee said:
Boring, slow, and uninteresting. I had to try very hard to sit through and read the entire chapter. There's just not really anything here that's intriguing or original enough to hold my interest.
The dialogue itself, doesn't seem real, except for perhaps that from Katrina. But stuff with Dodgson, Tom, or some other characters seem forced and unrealistic, especially in the scene where Dodgson and Mike are speaking in private about Sorna and stuff. Things are being said that don't need to be, because usually everyone already knows the reply, but yet it's made out to be an interesting and informative conversation. It's not.
Oh, and in dialogue, questions end in question marks not commas. And sometimes it's good to have shouts, yells, screams, whatever, end in an exclamation points, and not commas.
There were also spelling and grammar errors here and there, but I didn't take the time to write them down to point them all out. Sorry.
And what's this? Dodgson smoking? My, my, wasn't it you that told me that Dodgson would never smoke and that it "pissed you off" that I would write him as a smoker in that trailer for the JP:TE story I'm working on? Well, I believe it was! In fact, I'm sure it was. Hmmm, interesting. . . . .
I do like, however, the tie-ins to JP3, like the stuff about Billy working for Biosyn. As far-fetched as it really is, it was kind of cool, no less.
The action with the lipleurodon was okay, but some of the descriptions were a little bit odd. Example; 'The Lipleurodon missed the first snap, but to hell if it didn't miss the second one as it managed to pull half of it's body up onto the deck of the ship and snatch the man up in his mouth swallowing him instantly' That's just plain weird, and doesn't work well to describe the scene taking place. It sounds more like a piece of dialogue, or something, with the 'but to hell' line and such in it.
The bads overshadow the goods, sadly. I'll try more chapters, but if future stuff -- like this chapter -- fails to capture my interest and attention, I'll stop reading the story, I guess.
-- JPJunkee
At 10:37:53 AM on 9/8/2003, Amber said:
that was interesting...
i just don't really like how u go stright into the plot from the start and give it all away in the first chapter...
but still good stuff...
oh, and by the way... in a story like this... you usually refrain from using the term "wife beater", and instead tank top... lol...
At 9:25:47 PM on 9/7/2003, Vito_The_White said:
Thanks Mr. Camel:)
At 9:24:47 PM on 9/7/2003, Mr.Camel said:
Great work!
At 8:30:03 PM on 9/7/2003, Vito_The_White said:
Thanks guys:) I'm glad ya liked it. The second chapter will be out soon.
At 7:34:14 PM on 9/7/2003, MartinRandle said:
Yeahhhh great start love the way you have incorporated JP3 into it. More please!
At 6:34:03 PM on 9/7/2003, Crisco said:
that was awesome, very original, good characters, looking forward to your next post
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