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Again, a little heavy-handed in your descriptions. For example:
"Probably too emotionally off balance at the time. . ."
This phrase should be omitted. Unless you're describing your immediate emotion (ie, at the time), and furthermore unless that emotion was very great, you shouldn't provide such cut-and-dried explanation for your actions. That makes it seem more like a testamonial than a publishable work of non-fiction.
As a rule of thumb, if your character's actions don't speak for themselves, then you're doing your job poorly. And if they *do* -- and I think, in your works, that's usually the case -- then you needn't speak for them.
Still, I can't stress this enough, this is an extremely good story. I'm duly impressed.
-H
At 1:25:23 PM on 1/5/2003, Harding said:
Man, it's good and all, but can you restrain yourself from posting so much at a time?[/sarcasm]
At 1:05:24 AM on 1/4/2003, Cloner said:
Wow, amazing, very detailed, Im impressed how much you make a person, an, well, actual person rather than a simple 2d character. Im impressed.
At 12:42:13 AM on 1/4/2003, JPJunkee said:
Emanuel freaked me out. He was cool, but if you fear for your life every time you speak against him. . . . what kind of friend is he?
Ehh. . . . I know I shouldn't judge, but I guess I already did. Oh well.
Anyway, that was an interesting chapter, Vader. I like this new Luke guy, he seems friendly, and nonviolent.
Oh, and good luck on your test! :)
-- JPJunkee
At 9:20:25 PM on 1/3/2003, yvonne said:
Emanuel seems like the type of person that expects people to be grateful for his friendship. It was nice of him to help you out, but he only made the situation worse. Why can't he see that!
You've got me hoping that you did well on your first test, too. :)
At 8:27:34 PM on 1/3/2003, RaptorVinny500 said:
Great work again, Vader.
At 1:47:30 PM on 1/3/2003, Majestic-1 said:
Good.. but Emanuel seemed pretty cool to me.
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