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Monki beat me to it -- but I'll echo his comments. You needn't be so obvious in your statements. AGain I'll quote E.B. White's great maxim: 'Omit needless words.' That single phrase has taught me a lot. Unless you're a true poet, a master with the language, it'd be best not to digress; if you *are* a poet, then constant explanation and explication should be unnecessary.
The other thing I would suggest is this: while obviously this is a story based on your own memory and perspective, it might be better if you fleshed out Scott's character more. As it stands he doesn't seem to me threatening more than simply an ass. WHy is he such a jerk? Even if you don't know, you might do well to subtly suggest why he is the way he is.
And, finally, where the hell are other people? I know that if a fight broke out anywhere on my campus, in broad daylight, there would be a dozen people running to break it up.
Still well-written, though. The fight was well-paced.
-The Host
At 1:01:08 PM on 1/2/2003, yvonne said:
Ahh, fights. They cleanse the soul. lol.
Anyway, I think that might have been the shortest chapter yet, but very enjoyable.
It probably would have been better for you, if you and Scott would have just fought it out, one on one, without all that help. But what can you do when a bunch of people want to beat someone up? You can't do much, that's for sure ... except to watch and then wait for Scott's revenge.
Bummer for you, but great for the dramatic twists that are bound to come up in the story. :)
At 2:12:20 AM on 1/2/2003, JPJunkee said:
Woah dude, what is up with everyone protecting you? Do you give off some weird supernatural vibe or something?
Odd, whenever people try and beat the crap out of me, I always have to win the fights on my own. Granted, these fights are against elementary students, but the rules are the same!
Sorry, time to get back on subject.
Your writing abilities cannot be denied, you are truly gifted, Vader. And your ability to write a story about your life, and have people actually entertained, is quite an amazing feat in itself!
I applaud you in all your accomplishments; on the story, on your writing, and for getting to college before I did.
hehe
-- JPJunkee
At 1:52:21 AM on 1/2/2003, Chavez said:
Wow. This story is powerful. I didn't expect a fight whatsoever. If I was in your shoes I would have seen that group of people that beat up scott as angels from heaven.
At 1:18:30 AM on 1/2/2003, Monki said:
Pardon the html, apparently you can't use html in here.
-Monki
At 1:18:00 AM on 1/2/2003, Monki said:
Jesus Christ, what kind of college do you go to that there are fights like this out in the open???
Man... anyways, I like your stories.. you sometimes point out the obvious and sometimes run on. Example:
"'Looks like Jack will need to be taken to the morgue after class!' she smiled with a wink, to indicate she was joking, nearly cut off at the tail end of her sentence by a small buzz."
<i>to indicate she was joking</i> I think we realize that already, ya know? And the sentence just keeps going.
Don't get me wrong, I can't write for crap, but I enjoy constructive criticism on my work, and I hope you do as well.
-Monki
At 12:57:05 AM on 1/2/2003, -Chaos Edge said:
Suprisingly good.
At 11:45:00 PM on 1/1/2003, RaptorVinny500 said:
lol, yeah!
At 11:36:52 PM on 1/1/2003, Majestic-1 said:
C'mon, what are you waiting for? Kick his ass!
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