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Very well-written. It could use some editing -- several grammatical errors; also, the story seems a bit wordy and even a little pretentious. Some of your similes are a little silly. Stilly, these are smaller complaints. On the whole, it's great -- very evocative; particularly it builds tension well. YOur dialogue is pretty good and characterization great. I also really appreciate the repeat performance of your alarm clock, and hope they keep up -- it adds a great touch of light humour.
On the whole, again, very well-written.
-The Host
At 1:20:22 AM on 12/14/2002, JPJunkee said:
This Scott guy sounds like a real punk, want me to pay him a visit?
hehe
Great work, yet again Vader. You really gave each character their own special characteristics, it makes it such a joy to read! You've made your storytelling into an art. Keep it up!
:)
-- JPJunkee
At 12:27:54 AM on 12/14/2002, yvonne said:
First day, new friends .. and a new enemy it looks like. lol.
I'm sort of surprised about how uncomfortable you were the first day. In college, there's always a lot of people that don't know each other, so that makes almost everyone equal. Is it a large or small college? From the room number you gave, it seems like it's pretty big, but I don't know much about Mesa.
But reading about how you felt before you got there was very enlightening. And ... wow! Your family gets up early. lol.
At 11:14:24 PM on 12/13/2002, Chavez said:
I really extremely like this. I really like this Emmaul(cant spell for balls) friend of urs. DAMN, i just can't write in words what I think of your story. I am utterly speechless.
At 9:02:59 PM on 12/13/2002, Majestic-1 said:
Mmmm... Natalie Portman...
Yea. You'd think this would be really boring but somehow its not... weird..
At 7:13:34 PM on 12/13/2002, Seth Rex said:
great story man...wish i could meet the girl :P
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