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Well, I finely got my ass to read this, and I must say, I'm glad my ass was willing to move:)
I love the way you started off with the zoom on the pilot's face, and then the cockpit, outwards untill you see the entire huge fleet
Genius at work(and I mean that literally), there was almost nothing wrong with the first part:)
Now on to the second part...
At 3:17:41 PM on 12/30/2002, Cheetah167 said:
Brilliant. You are gifted my friend.
At 1:17:10 AM on 11/29/2002, JPJunkee said:
Once again, Host. This was very good. Down right incredible in fact! Looking forward to reading the next installment.
-- JPJunkee
At 11:23:31 PM on 11/26/2002, Chavez said:
Very good!! A truly good story so far!
At 4:39:21 PM on 11/26/2002, tobycompy2.0 said:
Very cool, I liked this alot, there was so much good descriptive storytelling in here, I need to work on the descrviptive stuff, I'm very glad you recommended this to me, and I will read the next installment. Very cool.
7.5/10
At 9:00:23 PM on 11/25/2002, The Host said:
I just used the font face="Courier New" tag.
As for the preopnderance of description, in this case it's actually mainly to maintain the page-to-minute ration, as this is a very visual portion of the film. Much of the second act is dialogue-heavy; you don't see this level of description between pages fifteen and eighty. But thanks a lot for your comments! And I'd love to turn it into a novel, but I will *never* find the time to do that. . . Too bad.
Thanks again!
-Host
At 8:32:28 PM on 11/25/2002, Jurassiclaw said:
Very fucking good (And that's saying alot considering most fanfics here suck). I think you're confusing novel form with script form a bit (i.e too much fat). Usually, paragraphs remain under four lines for better rythm. It also allows a better story flow and a better page-to-minute ratio accuracy.
What I especially enjoy is the dialogue. It's very lifelike, very convincing and you're able to say alot with little words. Don't get me wrong; the description is quite good too, but it seems as if the story is crying out loud to be penned in novel form - just a thought.
8/10 - Excellent (MUCH better than average (5/10)).
BTW - How did you include "Courrier New" font in there? I'm really curious.
At 5:01:24 AM on 11/25/2002, dark hunter said:
Well.
What can i say, that little installment, or whatever you call it had me breathless. The description in this fic so far is astounding almost perfect, you can see everything as clear as day, the way you write, this is fantastic. Kept me reading very quickly, very carefully, not wanting to miss a moment of the intense action that was your story. The best thing about starting a story with action is that it grabs peoples attention, you've done that.
The character development in this one chapter alone is amazing, you can see what they think, how they think, Jack davies, nervous at first, scared then when the action starts suddenly caught up in it all - with adrenelin, fantastically written.
Basically this piece would get a near perfect score from me - 9.5/10
~Dark Hunter
PS - cannot wait for the rest of the installments.
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