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Thanks for your incisive remarks, and for your honesty! I'm also really glad you're reading this; I always receive good criticism from you.
That said, I think you're absolutely right about the first chapter. I think I have to re-work the way it starts -- maybe add in some hint about what is yet to come. (In the screenplay -- which, incidentally, covers only the second half of the novel -- I open with political advertisements for American presidential candidates and then say that my film is about how they got started on the road to politics. Perhaps something similar would be a better way to begin this.)
As for character interaction and such, that's coming. I'll probably post the second chapter, which is longer than the first, in two segments. The first half is similar to this first chapter but hopefully a little more interesting -- it was written several weeks after the first chapter, when I had a better idea of what I wanted to do with my book, and it borrows liberally from the screenplay. The second half of chapter two, however, is an extended scene (or sequence of scenes, really) which introduces the protagonist, one of the other main characters, and two important supporting characters. You'll be disappointed to know, however, that Mike Shantz makes only a few appearances in the book, although he is talked about more and more as the thing goes on. I'm also considering writing him in -- basically using him to replace another less colorful character. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Read on and let me know what you think.
Oh, and as for In Support of the Academy -- I was writing it just as events portrayed in this book were taking place. I decided to combine the two, and the main parts of Academy are actually worked into the second half of Internal Affairs through flashbacks, and are an important factor in driving the novel toward its climaz.
At 7:41:04 PM on 3/2/2005, JPJunkee said:
Ah, a new story by The Host. Pretty good stuff. It's good to read a new story of yours in the novel format again. You're really good at scripts, but novels are just more enjoyable to read, I think. I never read the script version of this one, so this is all new to me, I think.
Now, I really don't like posting comments on first chapters (though I always tend to, I think). I find that first impressions usually end up being a little bit wrong, and I either look like an ass for changing my views after a couple more chapters, or something else happens (usually that other something also includes me looking like an ass, I bet). But, I've not read a fanfic here in some time, so I'm gonna post a bit of a long comment. . . Or a very long comment. . .
This is some really good writing, Host. You've always had a good way with words, something that borders on dry humor and a stubborn self-awareness (or something). To me, the way this story reads, it's like In Support of the Academy all grown up (though Academy was an enjoyable read, too. Whatever happened to that one? Hmm). Still though, while your writing is good, I really don't find the story all that interesting . . . yet.
As an example of your writing abilities, this is right up there with some of your best stuff. As an example of your storytelling, though, it's a bit below, I think. I mean, you said it's partly based on your own life, and I understand that. So, you need to tell the story according to how it happened. But I can't help but feel distanced. Like, I'm getting to know you and the back story of the school and stuff, but I like to get drawn into a story. You've painted really good pictures of who you and the other characters are, but it sucks to not get to know them with actual scenes and settings. I know it's still the first chapter (so I may look like an ass later on). I know you can't cram everything into the first chapter. But I feel it's important to grab the reader at the beginning. And while your writing is certainly something impressive, the story you're beginning to tell doesn't interest me. Not yet. You can put a reader through an endless barrage of descriptions and background, but compared to character interaction or an actual scene, it's not going to be as interesting. Not to me anyway. I'm hoping that future chapters will have an equal amount of inner thoughts of the main character and actual scenes and stuff.
The best part in the whole thing you posted here, I think, was your description of Mike. It's over the top (talking about how charm oozed out of his every orifice, and so on), but I think that's what made it really work. Usually for a character like Mike, it's hard to capture their essence on the page. But here, I've not even read a piece of his dialogue or seen a scene in which he is present, but I think I have a pretty good grasp as to what kind of character he is. Just a real nice character description. Good stuff.
In closing! . . . I look forward to more. I do like almost all of your stories, so I'm hoping this becomes something really cool to read. I hope my comments don't seem too negative. I trust you'll turn the story into something really good.
Keep writing! I'll try to keep reading.
- Kyle
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