|
|
[ Log In ] [ Register ]
 means the user is online now!
believe me there was no grammatical errors. believe me. I used a spell/grammar checker.
At 12:12:34 AM on 1/21/2003, JPJunkee said:
A few grammar problems, and a few unrealistic moments. But I still liked it. It was entertaining, and that's what counts.
-- JPJunkee
At 11:40:36 AM on 1/18/2003, Vader said:
Just finished reading. A good beginning, you did a good job of making it feel like the movie and I like the concept you've started.
Keep it up!
At 11:37:10 AM on 1/18/2003, Vito_The_White said:
That was interesting. I agree with Yvonne though. Some of it didn't seem realistic. However, it was a nice start. I'm going to read the next part now.
At 12:22:28 PM on 1/17/2003, yvonne said:
That was pretty good! So, the helicopter passing over, was the JP survivors going home?
I can see why he would put the can the freezer, since it was already apparently very cold to the touch, but giving it to the goverment ... that could be a stretch.
My small problem with the story: I'm just not sure why he would dock on an island where he heard animals sounds that made him shiver.
Overall, though, this was a nicely written story and it entertained me so far. Going to read Chapter 1. :)
At 5:44:50 AM on 1/17/2003, Strider_Aragorn said:
Hey, youre right ... why did he want to hand it to the government? He shoved it in the freezer cause it was unusually cold, but i suppose it was a bit suspect that an unknown island was right next to a floating, freezing muddy shaving cream can. I dunno, nice spotting drucifer67. Don't worry, I'm like that when im tired too. btw, if you could tell the rest of the world, id be pretty grateful. cheers
At 11:29:30 AM on 1/16/2003, drucifer67 said:
LOL looks like I botched the font color code. *sigh* Apparently I'm not machine compatible!
And the last line was supposed to say "looking forward to more"...I should never sit down to do this sort of thing when I first wake up...
At 11:28:04 AM on 1/16/2003, drucifer67 said:
You're off to a good start!
Bits of descriptive text like this:
"the ridge they had clambered over was standing ominously over them; a forest to their right harboured squawking birds; behind them, a valley stretched out."
...are good--they can be the difference between life and death for a story.
Now, I don't want to sound like I'm nitpicking...but I feel like I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't offer just one <font color=yellow>small<font color=white> point...and it's minor:
I can't put together what motivates Enrico to put the can in the freezer, or why he feels it's necessary to deliver it to the government. It's a small thing, but it kind of stood out for me, just a little.
Anyhow, don't let one minor point slow you down--keep moving! I find I am compelled to know more, and that's really the mark of successful writing, anyway. Nice work! Looking forward to it.
Sorry, you must be logged in to post a comment
|
|
Add DJP3P to your newsreader!
|
