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The plot is a fair mixture of the book and the film of TLW. With a dash of Seth in there too.
Engaging - but slightly marred by bad grammar.
Take another look at paragraph 1 of the second chapter. Every single sentence (bar 2) begins with the word “She”.
She opened the door…. She walked in….. She then took her jacket off … She undressed… She then lay on her bed… She had just come back… She worried about her mother… She seemed to be getting worse…
This is where your grammar falls down – you seem to be in such a hurry to get the story across that you are putting very little into the writing style. I think if you proof read it or better still get someone else to do it mistakes like this could be eliminated. Unfortunately this sort of writing style is a bit amateurish and pulls the reader right out of the story. back to being in front of a computer with Dan’s JP3 page on the screen.
There are other grammatical errors that I won’t go into here. This is worth going over and thoroughly correcting as it will lift the story to a higher level. Oh and the place in China is “Peking” not “Peeking” that made me laugh out loud.
All of which is correctable with a little time and research. Don't be in such a hurry to get to the island that you destroy character development along the way.
I shall look forward to the next part.
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