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I really got absorbed in this chapter. Even got goose bumps reading that last part there. Wow.
The Sullivan intro was very impressive. Like JPJunkee said, you really have a good understanding of the details about the harbor and the tugboats. I'm really enjoying this so far.
The second part (with Sullivan driving) was a tad confusing, but I think I might have a grasp on what's happening, so write more! Oh, and connecting the two parts by making the two main characters related was unexpected (to me anyway) and a cool sort of twist. When I first began to read the Isaiah part, I was like wtf? hehe. But then I got it.
I like your style of writing. Keep it up. :)
At 2:14:30 PM on 5/2/2004, Darth Chicken said:
Ok, when it comes to any errors or grammical stuff I'm all ears. Infact I see almost everything your saying and I respect your opinion and take the critisim as a tool for construction. But the one thing you need to relize is it is suppose to be confusing at this point. I suppose the best thing I could probaly do is maybe write more then when chapter at a time. In this sense you'll be able to see what the previous chapters overall meaning was.
Again I want to thank you again for the comments, because I'm still new at the whole writing thing.
-DC :)
At 1:32:49 AM on 5/1/2004, JPJunkee said:
I like where this story's going. You really seemed to show confidence in the beginning stuff with the talk about Sullivan and his crew, it seemed like you really knew what you were talking about, it was cool. And the thing about the ghost ship appearing and then disappearing was nifty. But. . . now I'm going to get a little critical here, only in hopes that future chapters may be improved. I'm sitting here, having just finished reading that stuff, and I'm left a little confused. This wasn't as well written as the first part of the story, things seemed to be all over the place in a sense, and it was perhaps moving too fast for its own good. The narrative got ahead of itself. All was going well until they got to the dock and Sullivan started his drive home. I mean, Sullivan walks into the kitchen, gets some drinks, and then poof he's on the road again. Where was he going? How'd he get in the car when he was just in the kitchen? Had time elapsed since him getting the drinks and entering the car again? It just seemed to jump ahead without telling me. Perhaps I missed something, but I don't think so. The radio playing and fading out as Sullivan dies or blacks out was also a neat little thing. But again, it just seemed to come out of nowhere – granted he was inebriated, or so I gathered, but even so. . . the writing seemed off there. Like it talked about the results of him hitting the tree before actually talking about the initial crash. Also, one small thing in your punctuation that I'm noticing. You're adding an unneeded period or comma after a line of dialogue and stuff. For example:
“What's your position?”.
Or
“Trident, this is The Bornox, is there anyone on standby?”.
Or
“Hey! I understand your (** your should be you're actually **) distressed, but I have to file a report. Now lets go over this. You say he called you from a cell phone that we can’t seem to find. Also there were no signs of the body moving at all. Which suggests that he was unconscious the whole time.".
Those periods and commas that come after the quotation marks aren't needed. (Also this line of dialogue; “Paul!, Get on deck!” I don't think there should be a comma after the exclamation point after Paul). There were also other small spelling errors here and there, but . . . hell, I've been too nit-picky already. I don't want too seem overly critical, because that's not fun for me or you. But really, the confusing stuff and small errors can take a lot away from the otherwise potentially very entertaining story. Maybe with the next chapter, try reading over it more closely or something, trying to eliminate errors and make it more consistent. Besides all this though, I did like it, and I'm still interested to keep reading onward. . . so. . . write more!
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